A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some
asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey
players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
"A child does not learn to squat from the top down -- in other words, he does not suddenly make a conscious decision one day to squat. Actually, he is squatting one day and makes the conscious decision to stand." - Gray Cook
My girlfriend was over earlier and she asked me, "MyK, how come you never got me a Valentines gift?" I told her in a cutesy little baby voice,"Aww honeysugar, I'm so sowy pumpkin, I almost forgot baby! Here's your pwesent" And I pulled down my pants and dabbled my dick in her mouth. Naturally, like the snob she is, the girl tried to give me grief over the whole thing. As if she'd rather have a box of sappy chocolates instead of my delicious protein sludge.
I refuse to buy girls chocolates. Not because I'm incompassionate, but because most of them are already fat enough as it is. I ended up getting her a present though. It's a funhouse mirror that curves inward horizontally, making her appear wider than normal. I figured it might be some incentive to lose a few pounds, that fat pig. She's so stupid. I swear she's the dumbest girl on the planet. If my girlfriend were a shoe, she'd be a Nike Airhead.
I'm just kidding, I don't even have a girlfriend. But if I did, she'd be really stupid because I'm ridiculously shallow when it comes to that kind of thing. I think everyone is, but I'm the only one that can admit it. As far as sex goes, looks are what's important. Not intelligence. Sex is a physical thing. Tell me the last time you jerked off to a girl's senior thesis paper. Never. You don't masturbate to a girl's brains or personality. You wank it to porno - girls showing off their body. Sure there are emotions involved sometimes with sex but that's just codependdnt garbage that doesn't actually exist.