Don't Fart In Bed

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  1. #1
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    Don't Fart In Bed

    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
    The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
    loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
    the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
    morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
    was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was
    perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
    one day he would blow his guts out.

    The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
    Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
    dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
    she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
    spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and
    went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling
    back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
    underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
    which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
    footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
    herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
    years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
    bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

    She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

    He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
    and I didn't listen to you".

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
    out, and today it finally happened.

    But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got
    most of them back in.


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  2. #2
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    Robert...

    That is enough of the toilet humor, consider this your warning. The next one is via PM, and the final one will be total banishment. The dick and fart jokes need to go.
    If sense were common, everyone would have it.

    4/2007-Current 75th Ranked most popular image 1 spot behind Prince's bulge...

    Check out my world famous Bob Loblaw's Law Blog at http://www.synergyhw.blogspot.com/...Just kidding, it's a health and wellness blog.

  3. #3
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    What a coincidence...I have explosive gas at the moment. Just gotta close my office door and it'll be sweet release.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robert DiMaggio
    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
    The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
    loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
    the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
    morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
    was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was
    perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
    one day he would blow his guts out.

    The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
    Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
    dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
    she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
    spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and
    went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling
    back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
    underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
    which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
    footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
    herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
    years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
    bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

    She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

    He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
    and I didn't listen to you".

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
    out, and today it finally happened.

    But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got
    most of them back in.
    Quote Originally Posted by kbm8795 View Post
    Oh, I think Americans understand that the one thing conservatives hate the most is the idea of spending American tax money on Americans. . .in America.


    Your tax money is safe. . .in Iraq.
    Total ownage.

  5. #5
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    Coarse edged youth, the irish pendants string from their smiles
    not yet plucked as to slacken the seams
    and drag down the features of age,
    no folds or creases from unkempt wear
    eyes of tranquilty, crystalline-beads
    no sign of despair in their hair, nor their hearts
    but oh they have yet to be experienced and that makes aging so very worth it...ML circa2012

  6. #6
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    I'm single , and sleep on my own in a 'single' bed. Presently, I appear to be dribbling from my mouth when I sleep.How disgusting.

    Why is this happening is it: A) Because lack of sex B)??? C)!!!

    Please enlighten me.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nick+
    I'm single , and sleep on my own in a 'single' bed. Presently, I appear to be dribbling from my mouth when I sleep.How disgusting.

    Why is this happening is it: A) Because lack of sex B)??? C)!!!

    Please enlighten me.
    It's your saliva trying to crawl out of your mouth towards the wine bottle laying on the floor next to you.
    Coarse edged youth, the irish pendants string from their smiles
    not yet plucked as to slacken the seams
    and drag down the features of age,
    no folds or creases from unkempt wear
    eyes of tranquilty, crystalline-beads
    no sign of despair in their hair, nor their hearts
    but oh they have yet to be experienced and that makes aging so very worth it...ML circa2012

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dale Mabry
    Robert...

    That is enough of the toilet humor, consider this your warning. The next one is via PM, and the final one will be total banishment. The dick and fart jokes need to go.
    lol

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dale Mabry
    Robert...

    That is enough of the toilet humor, consider this your warning. The next one is via PM, and the final one will be total banishment. The dick and fart jokes need to go.
    I agree, Robert acts like he owns this place.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vieope
    I agree, Robert acts like he owns this place.

    I know, he is completely inappropriate.
    If sense were common, everyone would have it.

    4/2007-Current 75th Ranked most popular image 1 spot behind Prince's bulge...

    Check out my world famous Bob Loblaw's Law Blog at http://www.synergyhw.blogspot.com/...Just kidding, it's a health and wellness blog.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robert DiMaggio
    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
    The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
    loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
    the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
    morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
    was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was
    perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
    one day he would blow his guts out.

    The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
    Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
    dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where
    she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
    spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and
    went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling
    back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
    underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
    which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
    footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
    herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
    years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
    bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

    She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

    He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
    and I didn't listen to you".

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
    out, and today it finally happened.

    But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got
    most of them back in.





















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































  12. #12
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    My girlfriend eats kim-chee sometimes, all I can say is spicy pickled cabbage makes for the smelliest farts in the world. She makes the dogs whimper.
    Coarse edged youth, the irish pendants string from their smiles
    not yet plucked as to slacken the seams
    and drag down the features of age,
    no folds or creases from unkempt wear
    eyes of tranquilty, crystalline-beads
    no sign of despair in their hair, nor their hearts
    but oh they have yet to be experienced and that makes aging so very worth it...ML circa2012

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by maniclion
    My girlfriend eats kim-chee sometimes, all I can say is spicy pickled cabbage makes for the smelliest farts in the world. She makes the dogs whimper.
    She doesn't release them while your down there...does she?

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by min0 lee
    She doesn't release them while your down there...does she?
    I stay away from her as much as possible those days.
    Coarse edged youth, the irish pendants string from their smiles
    not yet plucked as to slacken the seams
    and drag down the features of age,
    no folds or creases from unkempt wear
    eyes of tranquilty, crystalline-beads
    no sign of despair in their hair, nor their hearts
    but oh they have yet to be experienced and that makes aging so very worth it...ML circa2012

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by maniclion
    I stay away from her as much as possible those days.
    Except for when he tosses that salad.
    Quote Originally Posted by kbm8795 View Post
    Oh, I think Americans understand that the one thing conservatives hate the most is the idea of spending American tax money on Americans. . .in America.


    Your tax money is safe. . .in Iraq.
    Total ownage.

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