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Beware the Monkeys ya'll

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  1. #1
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    Beware the Monkeys ya'll






    Stuart XIII - Pork, the Other White Meat. By Mark January 19, 2001

    pocket and shout “IT’S PORK YOU FILTHY APES!!!” and then watch them scatter like cockroaches when the lights are turned on. Their mission to silence me, and I’ve found that stuffing my pockets with raw Bacon is a rather useful weapon in the ongoing battle against the swarm of Government mind controlled monkeys that follow me wherever I may go. It seems they have an aversion to Pork and any Pork product; when they start getting to close I just take the bacon out of mymy knowledge of “Frosty Melon Boy” is proving to be most futile.

    I am now searching for a 55-gallon drum of Silicone Thermal Compound to begin work on my stealth project for the Yugo. I’ve also noticed that when I tape my Mr. Microphone to my radio that it puts out a high pitch squeal that seems to strike fear in most animals within a 1000FT radius. This could prove to be most useful when the time comes. I am also collecting bottle caps that will be glued onto the car for radar deflection; the monkey’s flying machine has radar that can find me anywhere I may go. I am also thinking of setting up a fuel system that runs on MetaboQuil for an alternative fuel.

    It seems the Pastor at my parent’s church has decided the accusations of child pornography and beastiality are not tolerable at his parish. They’ve been kicked out of that church organization, this makes the sixth one in three years. The Postmaster General is also threatening prosecution on Child Pornography charges, it seems that somehow most of the items they confiscated have my dad’s signature on them J this should teach him not to talk about my best friend Bill and his company. “YOU HEAR THAT DAD!!!! YOU’RE PAYING NOW!!!! I BET YOU WISH YOU WOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR BIG ANIMAL LOVING MOUTH SHOUT!!!!”

    Many have wondered about my friend Betty; where she is, what she is doing, who she’s thinking about and is she thinking about me? I am not sure what happened, about two months ago there was a note on the Hyundai that only read:

    My Dearest Stuart,
    Monkey bad, Canada good.
    Yours forever,
    Betty

    When I went across the street to her house I found it to be empty, with the mark of the monkey on the wall, the blood red monkey handprint. I just hope to god she made to the great tundra that is, Canada.

    I have finally received a message from Bill via our communication through the Microsoft Optical Mouse. It was a bit choppy but I’ve deciphered the following from it:
    “Bush paid off, anti-trust over…Everyday is a holiday another mother f…holiday… Holes in socks… Monkey on roof… Rubbing lucky banana… your father must be silenced… Change red LED to blue for further instructions.”

    My brain waves are getting through!!! Even though they try to silence us, our friendship will never die Bill!!! It’s me and you buddy… forever!!!

    I am off to change my LED light so I may receive further transmission from Bill, and to pick up my 10 cases of Krylon spray paint so I may begin “Operation Stealth: the Hyundai project.”

    Until next time,
    Stuart

    Coarse edged youth, the irish pendants string from their smiles
    not yet plucked as to slacken the seams
    and drag down the features of age,
    no folds or creases from unkempt wear
    eyes of tranquilty, crystalline-beads
    no sign of despair in their hair, nor their hearts
    but oh they have yet to be experienced and that makes aging so very worth it...ML circa2012

  2. #2
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    Stuart VIII - Aces High
    By Mark September 08, 2000


    Mr.Frisky Kittens is up to two boxes of Twinkies and a six-pack of Mountain Dew a day. If I don’t give him a Twinkie every hour and a half he hisses and bites my ankles. I had to get four stitches from the last incident; if he doesn’t stop I’ll have to file his teeth down. I think the crazy chick across the street has been feeding him Taco Bell. I can smell the Chicken Burrito Supreme on his breath and the large amount of Diarrhea he’s having can only mean one thing, Taco Bell.

    I guess the crazy chick works there or something. She keeps leaving Nachos Bell Grande outside my basement window with a candle stuck in it and a Rose sitting next to it. I went out to take the Yug (my 1987 Yugo) for a spin and there was a Taco Supreme that had writing all over the wrapper placed under the windshield wiper:

    Dearest Stuart,

    Though I’ve only lived here a short time I feel as if I’ve known you forever. I’ve known from the first day I saw you that we would be together forever. I am the one that has been making the Burrito Supremes’ for you, the ones you tell the Manager are “Exquisite”. I secretly pretend it’s you I’m squeezing Bean sauce all over, then smothering you with toppings. Yummy. Drop that Chalupa I’ll be a Manager one day just wait and see. That will teach those punk kids, they shouldn’t have been laughing at me. I told them to stop but we’ll show them, won’t we Stuart. Sweetheart. It’s you and me forever. I’ve taken fingerprint samples from your car door. I figured we should start having children soon. I took your Spark Plugs. I made a love necklace out of all three of them. Come get ‘em. Tiger. Our neighbor is a Russian spy. If I put cheese in my bra the Monkeys won’t get me.

    I love you forever and ever,

    Betty

    She knows about the Monkeys. She’s also found out about our neighbor, Mr. Kirov. Who is this mystery woman?

    My investigation into “Frosty Melon Boy” has now put my life in danger. The Monkeys are growing in numbers and I can hear them outside the basement window at night; Cackling and smearing the fruit covered hands all over the window. I am glad I put Foil over the windows, at least now they can’t see in, to watch me. It’s all because of the fact that I know the real truth. Now they want me dead.

    I should warn Bill. I’ll email him and then try to send him the Osa9.Exe error code (translated means: Monkey bad. Hide from Monkey)

    Dear Bill,

    The Spider Monkeys are trying to kill me. I am afraid that, because of the knowledge you now have about “Frosty Melon Boy” they will soon come for you. I knew I told you too much and now it’s too late. I think I’ll have to sell some of my PEZ collection so I can buy Gas and Spark Plugs for the Yug. I’m coming to pick you up and we’ll try and make it to Canada, we should be safe there. I’ve been told that Alanis Morisette runs a safe house for people hiding from the U.S. Governments’ group of mind controlled Monkeys. The Monkeys explode when they hear her voice; her music is the weapon of choice for people running from them. I would take it with you everywhere. Tell your wife to put cheese in her bra. I keep my lucky banana in my pocket. I bought a Christmas tree and a lamp at a garage sale. A hair on one of my toes is five inches long. Call me ASAP!
    Coarse edged youth, the irish pendants string from their smiles
    not yet plucked as to slacken the seams
    and drag down the features of age,
    no folds or creases from unkempt wear
    eyes of tranquilty, crystalline-beads
    no sign of despair in their hair, nor their hearts
    but oh they have yet to be experienced and that makes aging so very worth it...ML circa2012

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