The Man Laws

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    The Man Laws

    1. No wasted beer in the name of humor.

    2. It has been made official that under no circumstances should the male have to pay for birth control

    3. If your best friend is dumped by a girl it is a 6 month waiting period till she can be touched. If he breaks up with her its a 6 day waiting period.

    4. If two or more males arrived at a party by a single car, and the driving male is hooking up with a girl, it is the responsibility of the other males to find other ways home.
    (The exception to this law is if the driver is hooking up with his own girlfriend, the law is then void and the driver still holds full resposibility of driving his frinds home)

    5. Short shorts have been banned.. unless in a participating in a sporting event that demands shorter shorts. Also no real man should be allowed to pop his collar.

    6. Every man shall allow one empty urinal of separation in a bathroom with three or more urinals, law is void if there are dividers in between each urinal.

    7. If a girl and a guy are not officialy dating then it can't be considered cheating. However...if the guy cheats with a girl that is less attractive to the one he is originally interested in then he is either... A) Drunk or B) Dumbass. This then gives the original girl the right to either get mad or laugh at you.

    8. No one should ever steal a man's alcohol from that man's cooler...this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death.

    9. When bringing condoms to a party it is a man's responsibility to pack two in his pockets and one in his car as a spare incase a friend is in desperate need.

    10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.

    11. No man shall every use a rolling backpack. If you can't carry the bag then your not a man.

    12. If another man's fly is down, you didn't see anything and may not make a comment about it.


    13. When a man is borrowing a buddies tool or other equipment, if the borrowie puts any scratches or brings it back with any noticable wear, then he is required to do one of the following: If the item costs under 50 bucks, you are required to replace it. If the item costs over 50 bucks, you are required to give him a case of beer, because hey...who wants to spend more than 50 bucks on something that isn't yours.

    14. When your friend picks up a hot girl...however the hot girl has an ugly friend...it is only right that you operate as a wing man doing whatever it is you gotta do to help your buddy have some time alone with the hot girl. As men we are obligated to sacrifice and pay it forward for each other knowing that the favor will one day be repayed.

    15. When calling shotgun, all riders of the car must be outside, and shotgun can only be called when the car is in view. Riders in the car are not allowed to run to shotgun and steal it before the person who called and deserves it arrives there. The driver of the car has no authority to decide on who gets shotgun. If a legitimate confrontation comes up where the rightful owner of the shotgun can not be determined then it will be decided by one round of paper rock scissors (with no shoot). If the two contenders tie 5 times in a row then the rightful owner of the shotgun is to be decided by a UFC cage match in which the first blood drawn decides the rightful owner of shotgun.

    Addendum to Man Law No. 15:
    If at any point during the process of determining the shotgun rider a hot girl hints that she would like to sit up front the driver has the sole right to declare her the shotgun rider and depending upon the situation may even deny rides to all other passengers. However, if said hot girl is an ex of any passenger they may overrule the driver's decision and make her ride in the back. Additionally, if all passengers happen to be female then revert back to original method of deciding shotgun rider substituting mud wrestling for UFC cage match. The winner then gets either a cold water hose down or shotgun the next ride unless the car is really ****ty and the owner doesn’t care about muddy seats.

    16. It is PAPER, ROCK, SCISSORS with no shoot. If you must say shoot, it has to be agreed upon by both men and a witness has to be present and somewhat sober.

    17. When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom.

    18. You poke it you own it.

    19. The head nod is an acceptable way to greet another guy when simply walking past. No words are needed to be said. An upward nod is for friends, a downward nod is for fellow men.

    20. If a man is on vacation to a state that does not border his own, or any other country, it is not considered cheating if he so chooses to engage in sexual activity with a girl other than his girlfriend. Although he should be fully aware that his girlfriend may not see eye to eye if she was to ever find out.

    21. A man should not masturbate more than 3 times in a day to insure being ready for any unknown or known late night action. Assisting Girls does not count.. rule is in exception if male party is in a bet to set a record of number of times in a day.

    22. A man shall never wear any article of women's clothing (I.E .. Girls Jeans/Pants!) unless they are the loser of such a bet.. or if a man is figuratively in a girls pants.. (or any other article of clothing).

    23. No man in any circumstance, unless mocking a violater of this law, should pop his collar.

    24. A man should never be denied the right to adjust himself or place his hands down his pants under any circumstances.

    25. BEING GAY IS NOT ALLOWED... EVER, NO EXCEPTIONS. All gay "people" lose the title of man, and should never be referred to, in any context, as man.

    26. All men must eat meat. A ****load of meat. If not borderline carnivore. For no reason should a man ever be a vegitarian, or eat sick **** like tofu. Also no man should consume any food with the terms "diet", "fat free", or any other healthy suggesting terms for the sake of "watching his weight" or dieting.

    27. Every man is required to learn some form of Poker before he dies.

    28. If a man ever does something wrong a simple "OOPS", "My Bad", or any variations of cuss words that get the point across will suffice, no need to say "I'm Sorry"

    29. No man should ever hook up with his best friend's girl, no matter how hot she is. This is in effect while they are dating or "together." If they are seperated refer to Law 3 for the proper way to handle the situation. (Side Advice: Less guilt is involved if she comes on to you.

    30. Under no circumstance should any one man cockblock another mans attempt at getting some tang. Lets just leave that up to the tangs fat friend. Please note that cockblocking will result in a suspension of your Man status and its privileges, and will result in the title Manbitch.

    31. Every man should watch sportscenter at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recomended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day.

    32. Under no circumstances shall any man lay a hand on a female or a child in violence. Spanking of a woman's ass or pulling of the hair is permitted if done on request. Corporal punishment is permitted excluding obvious extremes.

    33. If a woman is present whether family or friend no man under any circumstances shall make their own food or pour their own drinks unless it is a special holiday such as, Mother's day, Birthday's, or St. Patrick's day or if the woman cannot keep up with the pace you want your drink poured. Law is void if significant grilling is involved.

    34. No man shall ever watch a soap opera ever! Period! If this law is broken, it will result in the lowering of status from man to manbitch and the questioning of the liking of opposite gendered relationships.

    35. Women can't drive.

    36. In the court of Man Law the statement "I was Drunk" will have the same effect as an insanity plea (reduced punishment) in standard court provided the defendant's blood alcohol level exceeds .10.

    37. If any male is caught violating a Man Law in serious context, as a form of punishment he should be disowned of his manly name, only to receive the title of "Manbitch" from his peers and colleagues. Forgiveness is pending the severity of the broken law...or a case of beer to all his offended peers as a token of respect to what is manly...and what is not.

    38. Any man that is old enough and is not in the army should at least support the troops, even if you dont agree with the war they are your country men fighting to protect you and you should show them your support

    39. No more crushing of empty beer cans or your forehead. modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.

    40. If you take beer to a party the tuck rule is in play when leaving, you may take one beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

    41. Do not have a conversation at a urinal.

    42. A man will not live in his parents house past the age of 27 unless they are ill or he is in the war.

    43. All men have the right to remain silent when asked by a woman "do you like this". and the right to leave the room.

    44. Sex is more important then talking

    45. No man under any circumstance shall use lip balm.

    46. Grilling regardless of weather is always the first choice for cooking.

    47. No man shall ever own a dog smaller then a housecat

    48. Men will invite other men to Man Law

    49. No man shall ever turn down free beer because "its not their brand."

    50. No man shall be shamed if they are passed out with their shoes off in your place. If the person passes out outside of the house, then they are fair game shoes or not.

    51. It is acceptable for a man to publicly situate and/or scratch himself in the region of the gonads. If at a formal conference, then do so discretely. If at a football party, scratch away, just no handshakes.

    52. The morning after, if a beer has been left on the table, no matter the temperature, it is acceptable to consume this item with food, such as its counterpart, cold pizza.

    53. If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup.

    54. Nursing a beer is unacceptable. The bottle/can/cup should never reach lukewarm temperature with beer still in it. If you cant drink it in said time, don’t open it. If you cant drink it in said time, your man status will be up for review.

    55. Always accept beer from a stranger, but only if unopened/capped.
    56. It is never a man’s responsibility to empty the trash while drinking. Beer cans may be staked or crushed while the bottles may be thrown into neighbor’s lawn.

    57. A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer.

    58. It is acceptable for a man to break man laws, if no other option is humanly possible, in the pursuit of the opposite sex. His actions will be given leeway.

    59. The bachelor’s party is exclusively male. (except the entertainment).

    60. No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. Its understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality.

    61. A man purse is still a purse.

    62. No man shall dance for fun unless its to increase his chances with a member of the opposite sex.

    63. Body paint is onlly acceptable on a man if its on gameday and to support his team.

    64. No man shall bring a woman to the guys night out. this is punishable by verbal abuse for life.

    65. If you do not sweat, its not a sport.

    66. If a large snake catches a man offguard and bites, said man is allowed to scream once.

    67. No man shall wear a beret unless its for his military service.

    68. When lifting weights, it is acceptable for a man to wear compression shorts under the regular shorts. No man shall ever wear compression shorts alone.

    69. No man shall ever, under and circumstance, share an umbrella with another man.

    70. No two men are allowed to enter a revolving door together. Unless it involves a race were the winner receives a combination of the following: beer, food, sex.

    71. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    72. Keeping beer from other's by hiding it in the fridge is not permissable. Besides, sharing is caring.

    73. Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only.

    74. A man may publicly rebuke another man only if the first man has the man law and number memorized. Otherwise the rebuke must be in private. Furthermore, any man who has the man laws memorized will be deemed a "higher" man.

    75. In no situation is it acceptable to sit cross-kneed. You either sit with feet-crossed, no cross, or stand.

    76. Men are allowed to lick the plate when done but only when alone or with other men.

    77. A man should be able to determine a diesel engine by sound alone.

    78. While smiling, no man shall stick his tongue between his teeth.

    79. It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, and it is perfectly accepted to watch.

    80. If a man is punched, and the hit is rubbed, he is punched again in the same area twice.

    81. A man should be able to lucidly explain the rules of one or more of the following sports: Football (not the European kind), Baseball, or Ice Hockey.

    82. The dressing of any pet for any reason is not acceptable...any garment that is not a part of the animal shall not be allowed to be attached to that animal...exceptions are collars, leashes, etc. exception to this rule are monkeys.

    83. Under no circumstances shall any man drink wine cooler...ever...unless beer or liquor is completely unattainable. This includes anything (non liquor) fruit flavored that comes in a bottle.

    84. Under no circumstances shall a man ever defer control of the television remote to a female.

    85. There are three reasons for which a man is allowed to cry.
    1. He is hit in the genitals with anything traveling over 10mph.
    2. Your date is using her teeth.
    3. Anna Kournikova gets married.

    86. When watching a "catfight" it is perfectly acceptable to choose sides. It is also perfectly acceptable to pray for rippage of clothing.

    87. When in a public shower, no man will look below the shoulders. Also, no eye-to-eye contact for more than one second is allowed. If eye contact occurs, nod upwards, and look away.

    88. No man under any circumstances should have to explain the use of a power tool to another man.

    89. Never should man give a woman the credit card. No exceptions.

    90. No man should talk on a telephone to a girl longer than he will have sex with her.

    91. Every man should smoke at least one premium cigar in his life. Not any swisher sweet crap either. Cohiba, Monicristo, CAO (Cade Mayo).

    92. No man shall ever read an instruction manual. If the man does not know how to use the item trial and error shall be used until the correct function is determined (Eric Gartenberg).

    93. No man shall be held accountable for any promise he makes while drunk unless it was a bet. (Boots Jones)

    94. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

    95. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

    96. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

    97. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bull****!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

    98. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

    99. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

    100. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

    101. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

    102. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

    103. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

    104. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

    105. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. You should know such things.

    106. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

    107. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

    108. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours... unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

    109. You can not rat out a friend who show's up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way down so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

    110. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly "just a friend", go at it, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

    111. Man-hugs must involve a meeting of thumbs, into a handshake position, and a chest bump. Any man who durates a man-hug for more than 3 seconds is subject to review.

    112. All men must stand while urinating. The only exceptions to this are if you ill and can't stand or you have no legs. Anyone that violates this will be demoted to Man Bitch and your gender will be questioned.
    http://www.getlifting.info

    Disclaimer: All health, fitness, diet, nutrition, anabolic steroid & supplement information posted here is intended for educational and informational purposes only, and is not intended as a substitute for proper medical advice from a medical doctor. We do not condone the use of anabolic steroids (AAS), all information about AAS is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you choose to use AAS it's your responsibility to know the laws of the country that you live in. Consult your physician or health care professional before performing any of the exercises, or following any diet, nutrition or supplement advice described on this website.

  2. #2
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    noice!

    I've had the unpleasant task of #14...still has not been reciprocated yet!

    and #19, I've never thought about it until I read it, but I give guys who I sort of know the "down nod" and my good friends the "up nod."

  3. #3
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    You'd think it would be funny that #15 is by far the longest law, but it really isn't. Calling shotgun is totally abused and should be monitored and controlled by an independent organization of some sort.

    IACS = The International Authority of Calling Shotgun.
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazhole View Post
    You'd think it would be funny that #15 is by far the longest law, but it really isn't. Calling shotgun is totally abused and should be monitored and controlled by an independent organization of some sort.

    IACS = The International Authority of Calling Shotgun.
    I have been citing the existence of this organization for many years, but my friends still continue to make up stupid rules like "blitz!" or piss and complain if they beat the rightful holder of shotgun to the door, or otherwise break #15 and expect no reprimand.

    This is my journal. Click it and such

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    Whats scary is that a lot of those laws are totally accurate to reality.
    http://www.getlifting.info

    Disclaimer: All health, fitness, diet, nutrition, anabolic steroid & supplement information posted here is intended for educational and informational purposes only, and is not intended as a substitute for proper medical advice from a medical doctor. We do not condone the use of anabolic steroids (AAS), all information about AAS is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you choose to use AAS it's your responsibility to know the laws of the country that you live in. Consult your physician or health care professional before performing any of the exercises, or following any diet, nutrition or supplement advice described on this website.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazhole View Post
    Whats scary is that a lot of those laws are totally accurate to reality.
    And?



    Haha, you're right though.

    Its funny, they are assumed as if they are actual laws that exist and need to be respected, like unwritten rules or something.
    This is my journal. Click it and such

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    tried and true theory on one's self is probably the only non-biased proof that something works for someone." - juggernaut

    http://www.ronpaul.com/

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazhole View Post
    10. No heavy fornication in a friend's bed. Or just wash the sheets.
    Does this mean no fat chicks, or no spraying jizz all over the place?
    Last edited by MeatZatk; 04-18-2008 at 10:16 AM. Reason: how do you spell jizz again?
    I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself

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    No fat chicks.

    full stop
    This is my journal. Click it and such

    "
    tried and true theory on one's self is probably the only non-biased proof that something works for someone." - juggernaut

    http://www.ronpaul.com/

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by MeatZatk View Post
    Does this mean no fat chicks, or no spraying jizz all over the place?
    I think you know the answer to this.

    Im dissapointed in you.
    http://www.getlifting.info

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    ADHD. I conked out at rule 9 - by the way, I'm assuming someone else paid for said birth control, as per rule 2... ?

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    I spend a damned fortune on contraceptives
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    Quote Originally Posted by Built View Post
    ADHD. I conked out at rule 9
    What'd it say?

    Funny, number 5 reminded me of the Englishman (imagine a sinewy, smallish version of Eric Clapton) I did my woodworking apprenticeship under...rather, with....whatever.

    One summer, he showed up in the shop wearing these 1970's-looking, tattered cut-off jean shorts. They fit him like a gay version of Daisy Dukes.
    It was a horrible experience.....just thought I'd share.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazhole View Post
    I spend a damned fortune on contraceptives
    Good for you!

    (And they're cheaper than children!)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Built View Post
    Good for you!

    (And they're cheaper than children!)
    You underestimate just how many of the things i buy
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaMayor View Post
    What'd it say?

    Funny, number 5 reminded me of the Englishman (imagine a sinewy, smallish version of Eric Clapton) I did my woodworking apprenticeship under...rather, with....whatever.

    One summer, he showed up in the shop wearing these 1970's-looking, tattered cut-off jean shorts. They fit him like a gay version of Daisy Dukes.
    It was a horrible experience.....just thought I'd share.


    Haha, how did you not throw him out?
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    Disclaimer: All health, fitness, diet, nutrition, anabolic steroid & supplement information posted here is intended for educational and informational purposes only, and is not intended as a substitute for proper medical advice from a medical doctor. We do not condone the use of anabolic steroids (AAS), all information about AAS is for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you choose to use AAS it's your responsibility to know the laws of the country that you live in. Consult your physician or health care professional before performing any of the exercises, or following any diet, nutrition or supplement advice described on this website.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gazhole View Post


    Haha, how did you not throw him out?
    He was my boss.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DaMayor View Post
    He was my boss.
    The man laws transcend mere personnel structure, DaMayor
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  18. #18
    I like money
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    I got one...

    If you fuck a tranny, you have to kill it afterwards.
    Sorry Min0
    I drive a big truck

  19. #19
    your sisters better
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scarface30 View Post
    noice!

    I've had the unpleasant task of #14...still has not been reciprocated yet!

    and #19, I've never thought about it until I read it, but I give guys who I sort of know the "down nod" and my good friends the "up nod."
    yeah for #14 i played wing man for 2 of my buddys one night its been 3 months they better fuckin pay be back or they will be demoted to manbitch
    5'7" 173lbsl squat:365x2 11/19/07 bench 225x3 1/11/08
    40 time: 4.51sec march 10th 07
    38" vertical

  20. #20
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    ANother rule I heard: No man should use the word or phrase: " I have to go potty. She went potty, or potty in any sense." HOWEVER, exceptions to the rule:If you are a DAD. Dads/Fathers are exempt, but only when used in conjunction when talking to/of offspring aging less than 8 yrs old.

  21. #21
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    No man shall under any circumstances do curls in the squat rack.

  22. #22
    Bioidentical Bodybuilder
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    Quote Originally Posted by squanto View Post
    No man shall under any circumstances do curls in the squat rack.
    Thank you!

    While we're at it, no man should use the adductor/abductor machine, AKA the "yes-no". (Think for a minute... waits for it... there we go, you got it!)

    Seriously.

    It's shameful enough when women are ill-informed enough to use that thing. When a man does it's unforgivable.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Built View Post
    the adductor/abductor machine, AKA the "yes-no".

  24. #24
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    I'm glad you appreciate the gravity of that statement, squanto.

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    Quote Originally Posted by squanto View Post
    No man shall under any circumstances do curls in the squat rack.
    Amen...or do their crunches or situps. Some little douche bag tied up the squat cage the other day doing crunches and leg lifts for over 40 mins the other day. He actually did the lay on your side, prop up on one elbow with hand on side of head like watching tv on the floor, and did scissor leg lifts. I haven't seen those since the old lady in the silk shorts did them on her morning Geritol aerobic show. The little queer was 25 yrs old doing those in the squat cage. Wanted to beat his eyes shut.

  26. #26
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    hahahaha

    nice.
    little.girl.little.girl.you.should.close.your.eyes .that.view.is.gettin'.me.high

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by biggfly View Post
    Amen...or do their crunches or situps. Some little douche bag tied up the squat cage the other day doing crunches and leg lifts for over 40 mins the other day. He actually did the lay on your side, prop up on one elbow with hand on side of head like watching tv on the floor, and did scissor leg lifts. I haven't seen those since the old lady in the silk shorts did them on her morning Geritol aerobic show. The little queer was 25 yrs old doing those in the squat cage. Wanted to beat his eyes shut.
    Why didn't you ask him to get the hell out of your way so you could do a real exercise?

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    I waited to see if he would take the hint and realize what protocol in the gym was....instead of being the ogre and "that" guy in the gym I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I did some other piddly shit waiting, then after I told him that he needed to be aware that his exercises could be performed anywhere else, and never to tie up a fundamental piece of gym equipment for exercises that are not relevant to that piece. Turning over a new leaf, being a nice guy I guess!!!!

  29. #29
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    That just makes me appreciate my gym that much more.
    We don't have many metro-skinny peckerheads in there doing bs exercises and looking at their "abs" in the mirror every five minutes

  30. #30
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    Ya my "gym" is more of a complex. It has everything under the moon. Free weights are on one side, separated by a full court basketball court closed in in glass. Machines on the other side. There is a olympic pool, men's and women's locker rooms have seperate saunas, steam rooms and whirlpools, seating areas with leather couches with plasma tv's on wall, as well as common area ones out by pool. The pool has a adjustable bottom, being able to raise and lower the depths. There is full juice/shake bar with food as well. Full sap for women, hair , nails, massages, etc. Upstairs is a full 400 m oval running indoor track that encircles the entire structure overlooking the b-ball court, seperate cardio area, seperate aerobic rooms, pilates, yoga, cycling, etc. There is a section upstairs that is for kids, huge play room, tv's dvd's video games, everything a kid wants. It is glass walled so the kids are able to look out and see their mom/dad if need be as to alleviate any anxiety some kids may have. The whole thing works for me as I never have to make time to workout with my son, he can just come along, so it is very convenient. It actually is pretty foo-foo sounding, and it is that, but the free weight section is top notch, and for the most part, it is free of idiots, as they are some what intimidated to venture over as it is completely sealed from the rest of the workout area. So all in all, it isn't a "gym" but more of a full service spa/complex/freaking resort. Suprisingly not too crowded, or so it seems cuz it is soo large and everything is segregated from each other.

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