this blog is for everyone who knows or doesnt know about how ive been doing these last few months..
I am dying. Plain and simple. I have less than 6 years to live now.
I have eight known mental diseases and two actual ones which are slowly but steadily and assuredly killing me. There is no medical miracle that will help me survive to my 25th birthday.
Now at first, i felt like shit. Who wants to die? I did everything in my power to avoid doctors or seek help. No news is good news right? Then all of the bottled up emotions made me black out into a siezure on 94E going about 60 mph. I cut through a ditch almost t-boning two cars and then back almost killing myself in a 60 mph head on collision with a cement wall. Thankfully i snapped out of in just in time enough to pull my E-break and slide my car into a lane.
Thinking nothing of it i went to my final destination and proceeded to drive home a few hours later.
I awoke in a drift of snow in my backyard.
I finally caved and saught medical attention. After thousands of dollars and many many tests later, doctors chalked my blackouts to a disease called Hyperactive Hyperventalation Syndrome.
In lamen's terms it means i dont breathe properly and dont notice it.
Not breathing properly leaves too much CO2 in my brain which my off-kiltered chemicals in my brain then turn into CO4. CO4 attacks the critical brain cells needed to keep my lungs breathing and my heart beating regularly.
When too many cells have been killed off.. well you get the picture.
Now roughly 25k in doctor and hospital and testing bills will throw anyone off of their regular monetary living status.
Being so in debt eventually translated into losing my duplex.. leaving me homeless for the third time in my life.
These past 7 weeks ive been in and out of places, sleeping, showering, and eating where i can and when i can.
My job saw me as a risk after a few ambulance rides out of there so they put me on medical leave from work for 2 months after i got back from my best friend's funeral.
I have yet to see a single dime of the medical leave back pay they owe me (which has accrued to become roughly $1700) and to top it off, my liscense was cancelled by the state because i was placed on leave.
So penniless, homeless, jobless, and carless i wander.
surviving on my friend's good nature and a will to carry on. My band, which kept me happy for some time, broke up and went our seperate ways, so now i am searching for musicians to play with and get things going.
Normal people would seek the comfort of the opposite sex, saying a girlfriend would make me happier and feel better.
I on the other hand, have learned many many times, that when shit rains, it pours.
girls aren't exactly faithful or mind-easing in my case..
after being fucked with, fucked over, and fucking plain frustrated so many times in the past, ive decided a step back was definately in order, and a much needed mental break was needed.
aside from the hyperactive hyperventalation syndrome i suffer from, i also apparently am pretty fucked in the head according to multiple well-educated psychiatric consultants.
Borderline Personality Disorder, schizophrenic traits, bi-polar syndromes, depression type 2, anger-management issues, post-traumatic stress syndrome, after-shock syndrome, diassociative syndrome, extreme anxiety, extreme insomnia.. the list goes on.
They think if they give you 7 or 8 different pills in really high doses a day that you'll just be a happier person and start to blend in with society instantly. It doesnt work like that.
ive come to realize that true happiness will be found in good time and by my own means. i dont want sympathy. i want people to understand. im dying. get over it. i have.