Deep Thoughts - by Jack Handy

[Mudge]

http://www.erikandanna.com/Humor/DeepThoughts/index.htm

If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.

There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.

 

[maniclion]

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.

 

[maniclion]

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

• A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• Put on your seatbelt..... I wanna try something.
• The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
• There's no future in time travel.
• Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Smith and Wesson: The original point and click interface.
• Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Are some of these from George Carlin?

 

[maniclion]

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

 

[JJJ]

Red text on black/white background? The guy needs to take a lesson.

Btw, doesnt Mudge look strange in his new avi?

 

[gococksDJS]

I think it's a good idea to always carry around two sacks of something. Then if anyone asks you for help, you say "Sorry, got these sacks".