Married...with Children

[DOMS]

Marcy: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.

Al: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.

 

[DOMS]

Peggy: You're going too fast, I can't... what was that? What was that? What was that?

Al: A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargeant as Darrin, a Gilligan where the gorilla comes to the island, a Full House Christmas special where they get snowed in at the airport, and the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe, not Jacques Cousteau.

Peggy: You can see all that, but you can't see the rim around the toilet?

Al: I see what I want to see.

 

[DOMS]

Peggy: This is George Washington, the father of our country.

Kelly: I thought that was James Brown.

Peggy: No, he was the Godfather of soul.

Kelly: I thought that was Don Corleone.

Peggy: I think we've had enough for one day.

 

[DOMS]

Steve Rhoades: Al, I don't see any spot marked off for a sink.

Al: Hey, this is a man's bathroom. You know, when you share a bathroom with a woman, or in my case Peggy, you got nylons hanging on the curtain rod, you got Nair where the toothpaste should be, a bottle of vinegar lying around. I mean, what do they do in there, make a salad? In my bathroom there's only gonna be men's things: Rolaids, Milk of Magnesia, Tums, a spot for my razor.

Steve Rhoades: Why have a razor if you don't have a sink?

Al: Oh, it's not for shaving, Steve. It's for peace of mind.

 

[DOMS]

Al: Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.

 

[Bazooka Tooth]

 

[min0 lee]

Peggy: You're going too fast, I can't... what was that? What was that? What was that?

Al: A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargeant as Darrin, a Gilligan where the gorilla comes to the island, a Full House Christmas special where they get snowed in at the airport, and the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Phillipe, not Jacques Cousteau.

Peggy: You can see all that, but you can't see the rim around the toilet?

Al: I see what I want to see.

 

[min0 lee]

I loved that show.

 

[maniclion]

Al: Look, Steve. Why don't you do this? Go home, wake up Marcy and say, "Hey, I lost my money. I screwed up, it won't happen again, and what's for supper?" That's what being a man is all about, Steve. Making mistakes and not caring.


Al: Son, let this be a lesson to you: never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

 

[min0 lee]

I love his version of the night before chrristmas....classic.

 

[min0 lee]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Al Bundy Night Before Christmas[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Posted to that hour-long episode with Sam Kinison by Unknown on 1996-12-08.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
not a piece of food was stirring, not even a mouse.
The children were sleeping, all tucked in their beds
while the wife's constant whining was drilling his head.
The stockings were hung round daddy's neck like a tie
with a note attached that read, "Presents or Die!"
But this year daddy had money all locked in the bank
but they closed early. Now dad's in the tank.
When all of a sudden, Santa appeared.
His big pot belly and booze in his beard.
"Ho ho ho!" As he laughed merrily,
I said,"Santa, you do so much for others, do something for me."
"Give it up Bundy, you only sell shoes.
Your son is a sneak thief. You daughter's a flooze.
Not only your children, but how 'bout your wife.
Hair like an A-bomb, nails like a knife."
He went back up the chimney, that fat old bum
He mooned me 2 times and stuck out his tongue.
He got back on his sled, and as he broke wind with glee,
he said, "You're married with children. You'll never be free."

[/FONT]

 

[maniclion]

Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner, baby.

 

[min0 lee]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Al Bundy Night Before Christmas[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Posted to that hour-long episode with Sam Kinison by Unknown on 1996-12-08.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
not a piece of food was stirring, not even a mouse.
The children were sleeping, all tucked in their beds
while the wife's constant whining was drilling his head.
The stockings were hung round daddy's neck like a tie
with a note attached that read, "Presents or Die!"
But this year daddy had money all locked in the bank
but they closed early. Now dad's in the tank.
When all of a sudden, Santa appeared.
His big pot belly and booze in his beard.
"Ho ho ho!" As he laughed merrily,
I said,"Santa, you do so much for others, do something for me."
"Give it up Bundy, you only sell shoes.
Your son is a sneak thief. You daughter's a flooze.
Not only your children, but how 'bout your wife.
Hair like an A-bomb, nails like a knife."
He went back up the chimney, that fat old bum
He mooned me 2 times and stuck out his tongue.
He got back on his sled, and as he broke wind with glee,
he said, "You're married with children. You'll never be free."

[/FONT]

 

[min0 lee]

Al: You think I'm a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, and a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every day when I wake up in the morning, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep. So I get up. I have my watered-down Tang and my still-frozen Pop Tart. I get in my car with no gas, no upholstery, and six more payments. I fight honking traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I wanted to. I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I'll never know the joy of driving through the city without a bag over my head. But I'm not a loser. Because, despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what they wanted to be, is out there, being what we don't want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn't put a gun in my mouth years ago - that little fact makes me a winner, baby.

 

[min0 lee]

Five Days of Christmas
from It's a Bundyful Life (Part 1) (412)

Bud: 5 bowls a-flushing
Peg: 4 'roids a-throbbing
Kel: 3 nosehairs waving
Bud: 2 children starving
Peg: 1 untouched wife!

 

[min0 lee]

Psycho Dad original theme song
from Al... with Kelly (501)

Who's that riding into the sun.
Who's the man with the itchy gun.
Who's the man who kills for fun!
Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad. Psycho Dad!
He sleeps with a gun, but he loves his son.
Killed his wife 'cause she weighed a ton... Psycho Dad!

 

[min0 lee]

Psycho Mom theme song
from Teacher Pets (621)

Who's the gal who needs no man?
Killed him dead with the frying pan.
Did it 'cause he missed the can.
Psycho Mom, Psycho Mom, she's Psy-cho Mom!

 

[maniclion]

I wish I had a gif of him loading his fake gun, cocking it and then shooting himself, I do that all the time when my girlfriend is driving me nuts.

 

[min0 lee]

I wish I had a gif of him loading his fake gun, cocking it and then shooting himself, I do that all the time when my girlfriend is driving me nuts.

Same here....but I actually saw Carrol O'conner do it first in All In The Family.

 

[DOMS]

Al Bundy - Twas The Night Before Christmas

 

[DOMS]

I wish I had a gif of him loading his fake gun, cocking it and then shooting himself, I do that all the time when my girlfriend is driving me nuts.

This reminds me of another good quote (this one from memory):

(Peggy is anoying Al.)
Al: (Turning and prending to talk to someone else): Really your Honor, I don't know where the shotgun came from.

 

[topolo]

man down

 

[DOMS]

Tell DoubleBase to get up, wipe his chin off, and go home.

 

[Decker]

Al: " I'm sorry, honey, I didn't hear you. I was just thinking of
killing myself."

Al: " Feet and the return of warm weather sure makes for a deadly
combination."
I miss that show. Here in Milwaukee the damn reruns are monopoplized by Friends and Frazier.

 

[ZECH]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Al Bundy Night Before Christmas[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Posted to that hour-long episode with Sam Kinison by Unknown on 1996-12-08.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
not a piece of food was stirring, not even a mouse.
The children were sleeping, all tucked in their beds
while the wife's constant whining was drilling his head.
The stockings were hung round daddy's neck like a tie
with a note attached that read, "Presents or Die!"
But this year daddy had money all locked in the bank
but they closed early. Now dad's in the tank.
When all of a sudden, Santa appeared.
His big pot belly and booze in his beard.
"Ho ho ho!" As he laughed merrily,
I said,"Santa, you do so much for others, do something for me."
"Give it up Bundy, you only sell shoes.
Your son is a sneak thief. You daughter's a flooze.
Not only your children, but how 'bout your wife.
Hair like an A-bomb, nails like a knife."
He went back up the chimney, that fat old bum
He mooned me 2 times and stuck out his tongue.
He got back on his sled, and as he broke wind with glee,
he said, "You're married with children. You'll never be free."

[/FONT]

And in walks Jessica Hahn and her big BREASTeses!

 

[maniclion]

Pastrami-Player

 

[ZECH]

Still makes me laugh!

 

[min0 lee]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-qRJM5750A

 

[DOMS]

"Just a second Judge Cheeto..."

 

[MeatZatk]

"I'd talk behind your back, but my cars only got half a tank of gas"