The Top 5 Smart-Ass Comebacks of 2006

[Gazhole]

Smart Ass Answer ..5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
***************

Smart Ass Answer ..4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************

Smart Ass Answer ..3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******************

Smart Ass Answer ..2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
*******************

..1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR.......
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

 

[MeatZatk]

Number 4 is great!

 

[DOMS]

Number two is from Bill Engvall.

It didn't happen this year, but I'll include it anyway.

I was over at a friend's house. One of his children wanted to do something (I can't remember what), and the mother kept telling the child "no". The child persisted, and the mother, in exasperation, said, "What part of 'no' don't you understand?"

Before I could stop myself, I said, "The 'K'".


That doesn't translate so well into text.

 

[Burner02]

yet its still funny!
did mom find it funny?

 

[Triple Threat]

"What part of 'no' don't you understand?"

We were at a pool party during the past weekend, and my daughter said that to me. My answer was "the part where you get out of the pool for the next half hour."

 

[KentDog]

#3 is my favorite. #2 is a close second. I've heard #1 before a long time ago.

 

[DOMS]

yet its still funny!
did mom find it funny?

Not at first. She gave me one hell of an angry look. But later on, she admitted how funny it was.

 

[DOMS]

We were at a pool party during the past weekend, and my daughter said that to me. My answer was "the part where you get out of the pool for the next half hour."

I don't remember who I was talking to, but I said, "What part of 'shut the fuck up' is such a mystery to you?"

Another time, I was on the phone with Netgear's tech support in India. The guy wouldn't actually listen to me. He just kept reading his script. I finally lost it and yelled into the phone, "I'm looking all over the phone for the button that kills you, but I can't find it!"

He hung up.

 

[maniclion]

I think Stephen Colbert is the best smart-ass on television these day's:

"I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq." --Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD

 

[maniclion]

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

​

 

[maniclion]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought, and stepped on the gas. The needle hit 90, 100, 110, 130, and finally, 150 with the lights still behind him.
"What in the devil am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like
more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I
haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

 

[KentDog]

When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

​

 

[oaktownboy]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought, and stepped on the gas. The needle hit 90, 100, 110, 130, and finally, 150 with the lights still behind him.
"What in the devil am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like
more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I
haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night", said the officer.

good one

 

[shiznit2169]

No, the best comeback of all time is this ...


Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Reinwald, what

things are you going to

teach these young boys

when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD:

We're going to teach them

climbing, canoeing, archery,

and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting!

That's a bit

irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD:

I don't see why, they'll be

properly supervised on the

rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a

terribly dangerous

activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD:

I don't see how. We will be

teaching them

proper

rifle discipline

before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to

become violent killers General!

GENERAL REINWALD:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to

be a prostitute,

but

you're not one, are you?



The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines!

 

[Gazhole]

^

I've heard that before but it's still fucking excellent!