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Xmas in Louisville

Rob_NC

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This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner.
This won first prize.


As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted
was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'stockings were
overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those
things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in
my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd
only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price
scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll."
 
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