Jokes, jokes and more jokes

[Triple Threat]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income fivefold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?"

 

[Triple Threat]

A really drunk guy at a party walks up to the host and asks,
???Do you have some green toilet paper that says, ???F*ck you???????
The host, stunned answers, ???No I don???t have any green toilet paper that says, ???F*ck you.??????
???Oh, no!??? the drunk cries. ???I???m really sorry???I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.???

 

[Triple Threat]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he wanted to try one of the pills. His son said, "I don't think you should take one, Dad. They're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa. "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
The next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

 

[Triple Threat]

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

[Triple Threat]

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. "

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take' em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners"

 

[Triple Threat]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[KelJu]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income fivefold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?"

 

[Triple Threat]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.


He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,
whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.


He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.


He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy .... my ass itches."

 

[Triple Threat]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

 

[Triple Threat]

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.

Being pleased with his new look, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled: "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this short note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

 

[Triple Threat]

What did one Iraqi woman say to other Iraqi woman?

"Does this bomb make my ass look big?"

 

[Triple Threat]

How can you tell if you're gay?

When you look down there are four testicles.

 

[Triple Threat]

Miss Adams was explaining multi-syllable words to her
third-grade class. "You all know single-syllable words
like hand, foot, house, and dog, but some words are
made up of more than one syllable," she said. "Now who
can give me an example of a word made up of MORE than
one syllable."

Little Johnny raised his hand eagerly.
"All right, Johnny , go ahead," smiled Miss Adams.
"Autoeroticism," beamed little Johnny.

"My goodness, Johnny, that's a mouthful," marveled Miss Adams.

"No, Miss Adams, that's masturbation," explained Johnny.
"You're thinking of a blowjob."

 

[Double D]

This is right off of Eddie Murphy Delerious.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, but do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies, "Well no".

So the bear wipped his ass with the rabbit.

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income fivefold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?"

Got a family full of lawyers....that comes around in the rotation quite a bit!

 

[TopAdams314]

What's the most useless thing in a woman?




.....A US Marine.

Hope you guys get what the joke means.

 

[KentDog]

Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. "

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take' em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners"

 

[Little Wing]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT??? Body: WHO IS JACK SCHITT??? (who really gives a Schitt)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding nouncement
in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

 

[Little Wing]

Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - WALMART's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-$5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas , Bentonville. She said: "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel)

 

[Little Wing]

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.
Gallagher


"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common -- they both should be changed regularly and for the same reason!"
Unknown

"My education was interrupted only by my schooling."
Winston Churchill

 

[Little Wing]

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

[Little Wing]

World's Easiest Quiz

Passing requires only 4 correct answers....a measly 40%.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?



All done? Check your answers below! Scroll Down













ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?

Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange , of course.



What do you mean you failed???????

 

[Little Wing]

how to stop drinking

 

[Little Wing]

Homeland security.

 

[Yanick]

Got this one from Maxim:

Danny81 says to his doc, "Doc, i don't know what to do, every time i look in the mirror, i get an erection."
"I'm not surprise Danny," says the Doc,"You're a pussy."

They used some gay celebrity's name but i changed it a bit to fit our needs

 

[maniclion]

World's Easiest Quiz

Passing requires only 4 correct answers....a measly 40%.


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

I got 5 right.....1,3,4,8,and 10...though I said red for the purple finch crimson is close enough.......funny that red or blue things in nature get tagged purple or violet even though they aren't must be color blind folks naming them???

 

[tucker01]

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
>Although his English was far from perfect, they got along well untilone
>day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange
>a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend
>on thecircumstances, and asked the following questions:Have you any grounds?
>Yes, acre and half with nice home.No, I mean what is the foundation?
>It made of concrete.I don't think you understand. Do either of you have
>a real grudge? No, we have carport.I mean. What are your relations
>like? All my relations in Poland.Is there any infidelity in your
>marriage?We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.Does your wife
>beat you up?No, I always up before her.Is your wife a nagger?No, she
>white.Why do you want this divorce?She going to kill me.What makes you
>think that?I got proof.What kind of proof?She going to poison me. She
>buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read. It
>say: 'Polish Remover.'

 

[tucker01]

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his
blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench. After the game,

he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" ​

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ​

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'​

​

I'm like...Helloooooo? ​

​

It's only 25 cents!!!!​

 

[tucker01]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif']Ask yourself: Am I Gay?[/FONT][FONT='Arial','sans-serif']

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the
Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog,but
gay it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get
your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a
cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be
framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on
BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, hot sauce nuts, biltong
Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is
his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will
never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy
Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as
well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory
space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out
chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are
faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at
a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his
beer.
[/FONT]

 

[Scarface30]

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his
blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats
right behind their team's bench. After the game,

he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" ​

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ​

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'​

​

I'm like...Helloooooo? ​

​

It's only 25 cents!!!!​