Question for Women

[bigsahm21]

My girlfriend just came back from her freshman year of college, and it is apparent she's suffering from an eating disorder...presumably anorexia. She's acknowledged it, and is seeing a therapist and doctors/nutritionists to get better both physically and emotionally.

Naturally though this has changed things between us in terms of the physical nature of our relationship/time spent together. She has litle energy, and spends her days this summer at home resting for the most part...doctor's orders. She's told me she feels embarassed about what's going on and that she feels like a burden to me...that I spend time with her (which is just sitting around at her home, watching movies or something...nothing exciting) just becuase I feel like I have to, not because I want to...which isn't the case at all. I love her and anything I can do to help her out I'll do in a heartbeat...and it doesn't matter to me at all what we do it's never boring for me. Spending time with her is always a priority, and her health and well-being is obviously a priority as well...I want to be there for her any way that I can.

I've expressed this sentiment to her as much as I can, but she has a complex about the whole "burden" thing (which she's told me) and still feels like all of this is kind of a pain in the ass for me...to the point where she almost avoids me so I don't feel obligated to spend time with her. Make sense? And obviously she's in a fragile state of mind, so I don't want to crowd her or pry or pressure her to make her spend time with me or anything like that.

So I guess my question is (for anyone who's dealt with an eating disorder) from a boyfriend's perspective, how can I be there for her? Time together is going to be limited for reasons I stated above, which I could care less about it's not like I feel neglected or anything, but is there anything else I could do or say? Should I just give her space?

 

[Jodi]

Part of anorexia nervosa is actually pushing those you love away. People with this disorder find it easier to be left alone and completely shut themselves off of the outside would. This actually feeds the disorder.

Everyone should have space but not the extent that she is after. It's part of the disorder. You need to be there for her. Visit her even if you spend it in another room from her. Show her you aren't going away no matter what. You really should do some reading on anorexia nervosa as well to help you understand what you are up against. It's a nasty disorder and the likelihood of relapse is very high.

 

[KelJu]

I am not a chick, so I don't really understand the nature of the beast, but your heart is in the right place, so good luck.

 

[Blooming Lotus]

My girlfriend just came back from her freshman year of college, and it is apparent she's suffering from an eating disorder...presumably anorexia. She's acknowledged it, and is seeing a therapist and doctors/nutritionists to get better both physically and emotionally.

Naturally though this has changed things between us in terms of the physical nature of our relationship/time spent together. She has litle energy, and spends her days this summer at home resting for the most part...doctor's orders. She's told me she feels embarassed about what's going on and that she feels like a burden to me...that I spend time with her (which is just sitting around at her home, watching movies or something...nothing exciting) just becuase I feel like I have to, not because I want to...which isn't the case at all. I love her and anything I can do to help her out I'll do in a heartbeat...and it doesn't matter to me at all what we do it's never boring for me. Spending time with her is always a priority, and her health and well-being is obviously a priority as well...I want to be there for her any way that I can.

I've expressed this sentiment to her as much as I can, but she has a complex about the whole "burden" thing (which she's told me) and still feels like all of this is kind of a pain in the ass for me...to the point where she almost avoids me so I don't feel obligated to spend time with her. Make sense? And obviously she's in a fragile state of mind, so I don't want to crowd her or pry or pressure her to make her spend time with me or anything like that.

So I guess my question is (for anyone who's dealt with an eating disorder) from a boyfriend's perspective, how can I be there for her? Time together is going to be limited for reasons I stated above, which I could care less about it's not like I feel neglected or anything, but is there anything else I could do or say? Should I just give her space?

To ease her load about the burden she is to youu, I recommend that you make her understand that having you there for her to feel like that is a burden to her right back. .. it's all a burden.. right down to what's going on sexually between you both.. but that iis the point and the superfical deception to see through of what's really going on... because if you get throough it to a better situation togther - then it wasn't ever a burden after all , no matter howw hard it got and you both end up better off than if you never tried and one or both bailed for someone or thing else. .. sometimes between cpls there come times when it's nott fun and it's virtually alll work and it's just something to ride out.. and the abilty to be at peace wiith riding
out the shit times together is what decides who you're going to make it with. it 's ignorant and unrealistic to believe that that's not part of a good relationship sometimes.

..on the actual anorexia though, maybe she got innto that position by not feeling good about herself - or love worthy unless she fit into some asthetic model.. which somehow too often in ppl in this state equates to skinniness and deprivation.. but she caan have her cake - look good - feel worth being loved aand maintain her good health.
it's all well and good imo to want to be slim, but it's usually at that point that the health of acheiving that state comes down to how well educated a person is about how to look after their body ( diet / exercise / lifestyle) and look good - however the idea of what exactly that looks like differs from person to person - and further how good they feel about how they're structuring their daily and long term lives otherwise toooo be able to facilitate room to take good care.
i think it's also important to let her know that it might take a long time to put all those pieces together and it couuld look like anything as that unfolds and that thats okay and worth going through to resolve for whats down the track of that picture.
I can empathise with both of you.. it's rough when you hit the phsycological garbage togther that one person or the other shares or carries at any given point either way.. but I think you should just be honest and tell her that it's shit it's like that but it's cool nonetheless and reassure her that if you just hang in with however it feels and looks until then at least and both work honestly enough to sort her head and heart and body out about it - then it only gets better once it's done , it miight be your turn to work on some shit of your owwn later down the track which you might need herr to be there for and support youu through and that will be worth having hung in and worked for together...
partners going through crap like that need shiiit loads of support and often they'll find every way they can to test whether or not youu think it's worth it so they can keep working on their bit.. it's rough but just keep supporting her where you think she needs it - don't be affraid to get herr to dig deep to get her to let youu know she thinks youu are worth wearing her superficially otherwise embarressing self-confrontation in front of and good luck to you both.
I can't promise you that will actually worrk, but it's the best ii have for you and I hope it helps.

Blooming tianshi lotus.

 

[bigsahm21]

Thanks guys...it all seems like good advice.


Jodi - so I should be adamant about spending time with her? I haven't backed off or anything...I'm always asking how her day's going or if she wants to do this or that, but when she seems a little touchy or distant I've tended to back off a little bit...I guess because I don't want to pressure her or make her feel obligated to talk/hang out with me because clearly she doesn't need anything like that on her plate in addition to what she's already dealing with.

I'll go with your advice though, in addition to doing some reading about the disorder. I've found most of your input to be spot on during my time at IM (except the food insensitivity thing, my stomach is still a mess!!)

 

[Jodi]

Your stomach problem could be a numerous of health issues. The sensitivities was just one thing to look into

Definitely do some reading. I'm not an expert in it at all nor have I experienced it for myself. I had a friend that had the disorder and I've done some reading so that's my only exposure. You may try and see if you can convince her to shadow one of her therapy appointments if she is comfortable with it. That may give you some good insight.

 

[The Monkey Man]

You have to be the confident captain in whatever you do with her...

If you show weakness or say "I don't know" she will lose all faith in the help you are trying to provide her

 

[The Monkey Man]

Jodi has myspace!?!??

OMG we have to move you back over here into the real world

www.myspace.com/jllaz

 

[Jodi]

LOL, I've had it for 2 years

 

[The Monkey Man]

Bullshit!, You didn't convince me!

 

[KentDog]

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like an ex of mine who would never eat. When she did eat breakfast, it would be a yogurt. I can't say I have any advice, but I can tell you how I handled her. I tried to get her to eat right, cooked for her whenever I ate and she was over, etc.. In turn, she gained a lot of weight fast (went from 115 to 140 lb in a matter of seveal months), blamed me for the weight gain, I lost attraction, and we broke up.

 

[Jodi]

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like an ex of mine who would never eat. When she did eat breakfast, it would be a yogurt. I can't say I have any advice, but I can tell you how I handled her. I tried to get her to eat right, cooked for her whenever I ate and she was over, etc.. In turn, she gained a lot of weight fast (went from 115 to 140 lb in a matter of seveal months), blamed me for the weight gain, I lost attraction, and we broke up.

You know I think you are a good kid.....err....young man, but this is really different than a girl not eating enough food. Anorexia nervosa is a serious condition both physically and mentally and it can kill this poor girl without proper medication and therapy. Not the same situation at all and what bigsahm21 feels about his girl is definately more than physical attraction. It has to be, because at this point, this poor girl probably look like a sickly rail Anorexia nervosa is probably the scariest of all eating disorders because it's truly a mental disorder.

 

[bigsahm21]

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like an ex of mine who would never eat. When she did eat breakfast, it would be a yogurt. I can't say I have any advice, but I can tell you how I handled her. I tried to get her to eat right, cooked for her whenever I ate and she was over, etc.. In turn, she gained a lot of weight fast (went from 115 to 140 lb in a matter of seveal months), blamed me for the weight gain, I lost attraction, and we broke up.

Lol yeah. We're exactly like you and your ex...

 

[goob]

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like an ex of mine who would never eat. When she did eat breakfast, it would be a yogurt. I can't say I have any advice, but I can tell you how I handled her. I tried to get her to eat right, cooked for her whenever I ate and she was over, etc.. In turn, she gained a lot of weight fast (went from 115 to 140 lb in a matter of seveal months), blamed me for the weight gain, I lost attraction, and we broke up.

There's support for people like you.....Fantasy Feeder






just kidding....

 

[KentDog]

You know I think you are a good kid.....err....young man, but this is really different than a girl not eating enough food. Anorexia nervosa is a serious condition both physically and mentally and it can kill this poor girl without proper medication and therapy. Not the same situation at all and what bigsahm21 feels about his girl is definately more than physical attraction. It has to be, because at this point, this poor girl probably look like a sickly rail Anorexia nervosa is probably the scariest of all eating disorders because it's truly a mental disorder.

I'll be honest, I don't understand eating disorders when they get to a serious level. This is why I did not add any advice. I did not mean to come off as superficial, because my relationship had nothing to do with physical attraction, and the breakup was definitely not due to a slide in looks by any means. I cared deeply for this girl, and I spent a year of my life with her. I was only trying to relate my personal experience in that my solution was to try to cook for her whenever possible, to make sure she ate, and ate "healthy." In turn, it caused a drastic weight gain, due to the sudden increase in calories.

Lol yeah. We're exactly like you and your ex...

Again, I did not mean to come off as superficial. I reread your posts, and the way you describe your girl makes her sound a lot like mine, so I don't get the immediate need to jump on my ass with the sarcasm.

 

[bigsahm21]

Okay. But was what I said really all that offensive?

 

[P-funk]

is she seeing anyone for this problem currently?

 

[Blooming Lotus]

You said it was only your assumption she had anorexia right???...

check out a cpl of standrd clinical bmi charts before you lock that in maybe.. it suucks when ppl say that about you and it's not true. I've been pretty tiny ..like 2-5 under "healthy" myself and considering what theyy do to their bodies, I haate that crap.
Anyway, .. maybe you just need to stay sensitive to that a. she needs to feel attractive and love-worthy
and b. that she waaants to be slim to acheive that asthetic ideal she has of babes operating with goodcompetitive sense and maybe just needs more info on diet and exercise of how to have both.
i can personally guarantee you, for whatever it's worth, that if she wants to be slim, she can get everything she needs nutritionally and still maintain that. Try her on a milk and egg white zone for 10-15 gm complexcarb ( bar 1 x every 4 days to 1 -2.5 gm / kg bw and a meat / fish or chicken or good fat serve to stop her from only loosing and help more maintaiin a daintier size more healthily ..but interim get her to bulk with meats and dairy and bread if you can throw in a piece here and there.. go slow on that btw.. and mashed vegie soups .. the supermarket has heeaps of these in a box fresh and ready to go .. and potatoes and yams and pumpkin and small crackers or 1/3 serves of cereal or a tblspn or 3 of oats in protein shake or no fat milk and equal to start and no fat cheeses and so on.. ) / day + soluble produce / vits / fibre supp / lemon juice / tea / juices / yoghurt and shake plan. If I was her in that situation and you made me "fat",.. or feel uncomfortable because I felt pressured to do what you wanted me to when I didn't agree with your logic ,... then we probably wouldn't end up so close very long. get her also doing a pilates and aerobics sesh every day and she might buy.
i used to train 12 hrs a day and have tinny genes .. i used to get accused of that by ignorant less educated idiots regularly .. and flabby overweight ones at that. if you can't put yourself in her shoes about it and be empathetic to what her issue is then you'll stuggle to make difference.
really care.

Blooming tianshi lotus.

 

[Hialeahchico]

your in a touchy spot......this is something that she has to figure out herself regardless of the support you give her, she has to realize that she is been selfish. You still gotta think about youserf dude if her ways arent changin you gotta move on, It seems like you care for this girl so hope she gets over it.

 

[bigsahm21]

P-Funk...yes, she's seeing a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, a doctor who's monitoring her overall health (she had some kidney issues from malnourishment) and a nutritionist who's put her on a controlled weight gain plan. She's determined to get better...it's a fight for her, she still gets anxious about eating and portion sizes/carbs/not exercising (which she is also compulsive about) but forces herself to eat knowing that its good for her, and she's told me that the anxiety is subsiding as she's gaining a little weight and seeing her therapist.

As for whether or not it is defintely anorexia nervosa, I'm not sure. The reason I was inclined to believe so was because I simply overheard her mom saying "anorexia" in a conversation she had with her dad. She hasn't told me that it is, nor do I know enough about the disorder to observe her behavior and conclude whether it is or not...I still want to read more about it.

 

[bigsahm21]

Hiahleahchico - I know. The touchiest part about it is that we're in a long distance relationship - she goes to school in Cali, I'm a student at the U of Texas...so summers are the only time we have together. If it gets to a point where it is just a non-stop burden, and she's not getting better, and it's pulling me down...yeah, I'll have to step back and re-think shit. But like you said I do really care for this girl. I grew up two streets away from her, and have known her since I was five...we've been together for years...she's my best friend...all the corny cliches apply. So I'm not anywhere near ready to end it.