1. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
2. The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.
5. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
6. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
7. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
8. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
9. I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
10. If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
11. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
12. You can't be late until you show up.
13. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
14. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
15. My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
16. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
17. A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
18. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
19. Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
20. books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke
21. As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
22. If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church.
23. Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
24. You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
25. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
26. Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
27. Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
28. Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
29. life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
30. It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
31. You never learn anything by doing it right.
32. It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
33. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
34. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
35. Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
36. If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
37. I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
38. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
39. A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
40. Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
41. Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
42. It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
43. An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
44. It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
45. If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe
46. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
47. It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
48. In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
49. Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
50. If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
51. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
52. The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything
53. I am erotic. You are kinky. They are perverts. We protect. Our allies enforce. Our enemies oppress. Congress appropriates. Microsoft lobbies. Citizens steal.
54. Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
55. To appreciate heaven well, it's good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell
56. Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
57. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed
58. You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
59. Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.
60. Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
61. Power, n.: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
62. Nothing needs reforming as much as other people's habits
63. What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes
only your skin
64. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
65. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field. There is progress.
66. the Five Stages of Acquisition: Infatuation, Justification, Appropriation, Obsession, and Resale
67. The new childcare-screening legislation sends a powerful message to Americans: If you want to harass children, get your own, as no parent-screening legislation will be in the works anytime soon.
2. The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.
5. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
6. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
7. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
8. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
9. I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
10. If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
11. A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
12. You can't be late until you show up.
13. Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
14. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
15. My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
16. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
17. A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
18. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
19. Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
20. books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke
21. As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
22. If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church.
23. Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
24. You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
25. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
26. Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
27. Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
28. Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.
29. life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
30. It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
31. You never learn anything by doing it right.
32. It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
33. The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
34. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
35. Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
36. If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
37. I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
38. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
39. A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
40. Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
41. Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
42. It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
43. An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
44. It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.
45. If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe
46. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
47. It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
48. In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
49. Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
50. If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
51. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
52. The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything
53. I am erotic. You are kinky. They are perverts. We protect. Our allies enforce. Our enemies oppress. Congress appropriates. Microsoft lobbies. Citizens steal.
54. Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
55. To appreciate heaven well, it's good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell
56. Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult.
57. Men marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are disappointed
58. You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
59. Calling an engineer an applied scientist is like calling an artistic painter an applied pigment chemist.
60. Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
61. Power, n.: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
62. Nothing needs reforming as much as other people's habits
63. What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes
only your skin
64. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
65. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field. There is progress.
66. the Five Stages of Acquisition: Infatuation, Justification, Appropriation, Obsession, and Resale
67. The new childcare-screening legislation sends a powerful message to Americans: If you want to harass children, get your own, as no parent-screening legislation will be in the works anytime soon.
