Funny sex stories...Post here

[Flex]

I just finished college, so i have a million, although many are kinda hazy since i'm a rockstar and spent many-a-nights blacked out.

Anyhow, what are your funny sex stories? or ones that you've heard?

we're talking TRUE ones people, not ones you made up.

This should be iiiiiiiiiiiinteresting.

 

[Flex]

Where to start?

I have over a million, since my buddies were the biggest scumbags alive, but they'll come to me slowly.

I'll start with this one....

My boy finally had sex with this chick he liked who lived next door. As their lying in bed, she asks "since we're probably gonna be sleeping together, i'd like to know how many girls you've been with".

Obviously my buddy is feelign awkward as hell, so he's like "uhhhh, not sure." She asks "over ten?" He says "yes". She asks "over twenty?". He says "yes". She is now starting to get real weirded out and asks, "over thirty?" He says "well, i've been to Cancun". She gets outta bed without saying a word, puts her clothes on, and doesn't talk to him again hahaha.

 

[Flex]

Not that funny?

well, there's more.

So my buddy is derailing this other chick in the living room of his college apartment. He has her bent over and doing her doggystyle, when 3 heads poke in through the wall of his living room. (they broke a huge whole in the wall while partying, and covered it with a poster. aparently he didn't know, and wouldn't you know it, the girl from the above story is one of the chicks who peeks in)

 

[da jock]

1. Me & my wife had sex sort of standing doggie sex in our claw-foot bathtub /shower last summer. We kept slipping and sliding, when she came her legs sort of gave out and she banged her knees up, when I came I pumped too hard and lost my balance & smacked her head against the wall & bruised my elbow! We should of just jumped into bed.

2. (5 years ago or so) When we were dating we were banging doggie (again) on her couch. I had one leg on the floor & one bent on the couch arm, she had one leg on the flloor & one arm on the coffee table. When we started cumming her arm slipped off the table & she tumbled forward I fell backward. So she was groaning/laughing finishing her self off on the floor & I had shot cum everywhere & banged my head on the floor! We had to clean up before her roomies came back! We laughed hysterically!

3. Just a funny thing. when I was like 13? I jacked off with vaseline, it of course felt awesome! But, it took literally like a week to get my package totally clean again,that stuff never comes off! I was afraid somehow someone would find out my dirty secret!!

 

[Mudge]

One of my favorites was a guy talking about slipping in the shower while trying to have sex and falling through a glass door.

 

[Mudge]

He says "well, i've been to Cancun".

"...and I took the town, they never knew what..... screwed em..."

 

[448448]

I have these two friends(a couple) they went to cancun, and had a few threesomes. they have had hiv for a few years.

 

[MaxMirkin]

I have these two friends(a couple) they went to cancun, and had a few threesomes. they have had hiv for a few years.

Damn, that is hilarious!!!

 

[ponyboy]

When I was in school I lived in a frat house on the same floor as a guy that was kind of a freak - he always had these weird goth chicks in and out all the time. One day as I'm walking to the bathroom I hear a voice calling out from his room. I knock on the door and hear a girl's voice quietly asking for help. Opening the door, there is a girl handcuffed to this guys' bed naked - he had gone to class and left her there sleeping chained up! She couldn't reach the key!

Funny thing was she wasn't pissed about being left there. She just needed to go to the bathroom. She was pretty hot too. Freaking weirdos.

 

[Goodfella9783]

I went to the movies with a buddy and his girlfriend to see the movie "Phone Booth." In the middle of the movie he gets the idea he wants to bang his girl right there in the seat next to me. So he asks my permission first (what a nice guy), and of course I'm not gonna cock block. So he and his girl then go at it in the seat next to me in a half full theater. Don't ask me how they didnt get caught.

 

[ALBOB]

When I was in school I lived in a frat house on the same floor as a guy that was kind of a freak - he always had these weird goth chicks in and out all the time. One day as I'm walking to the bathroom I hear a voice calling out from his room. I knock on the door and hear a girl's voice quietly asking for help. Opening the door, there is a girl handcuffed to this guys' bed naked - he had gone to class and left her there sleeping chained up! She couldn't reach the key!

Funny thing was she wasn't pissed about being left there. She just needed to go to the bathroom. She was pretty hot too. Freaking weirdos.

Come on, you didn't blackmail her? "Sure bitch, I'll unlock the cuffs......................for a price." And don't even try to tell me she was too ugly. You were school age and she had a heartbeat. (At that age, if it's been too long, even the heartbeat isn't mandatory. )

 

[da jock]

As far as things I've seen (I wasn't the one having sex); I was a DJ @ college and was spinning @my best friends frat mixer (for free to meet girls & drink!). Around 4am I was wrapping things up & I noticed a Frat pledge was sitting over in a dark corner on a spent keg with a girl on his lap, figured they were prolly making out/what ever no big deal. A few minutes later they really started thrashing around and I noticed they were actually f**king. Somewhere in somebodies trunk there's a picture of him giving a thumbs up about a minute after busting with her still on his lap & his pants around his knees! Booze & hormones! What a mix!

 

[Carpe Diem]

I used to date this girl that liked to go to parties at peoples houses and have butt sex in thier bedrooms. One night we had snuck into someones bedroom for the usual when she only had a little Ky jelly left in her tube. It wasn't going well so I looked for somethig that might take the place of the KY.

I saw this big container of clear looking gel setting on the counter so I grabbed a handful of it. It worked fine for a couple of seconds then she started squirming and then finally going crazy.

The stuff I had used was hairgel and it had Alcohol in it as a drying agent.

We left right away and when we got to her apartment I went into the other bedroom to wash the stuff off my dick. My package had dried to my underwear and I had to tear it off like a big bandage.

 

[ALBOB]

My package had dried to my underwear and I had to tear it off like a big bandage.

Ummm..........what to say?...........ahhhhhhh..............what to say?...........errrrrrrr..............what to say?..................hmmmmmmm.........................FUCKING OUCH!!!

 

[ponyboy]

Come on, you didn't blackmail her? "Sure bitch, I'll unlock the cuffs......................for a price." And don't even try to tell me she was too ugly. You were school age and she had a heartbeat. (At that age, if it's been too long, even the heartbeat isn't mandatory. )

I think I was too weirded out and kind of disturbed. Tends to be a turnoff. Her "boyfriend" also probably had every STD known to man and I wasn't going near anything he touched with a ten foot pole. Plus I tend to not be into raping defenseless women. I think they are all good reasons.

 

[Vieope]

Hot goth handcuffed naked women on bed and you did what pony?
You should have seduced her. Btw she was completely naked or she was under a sheet?

 

[JLB001]

I used to date this girl that liked to go to parties at peoples houses and have butt sex in thier bedrooms. One night we had snuck into someones bedroom for the usual when she only had a little Ky jelly left in her tube. It wasn't going well so I looked for somethig that might take the place of the KY.

I saw this big container of clear looking gel setting on the counter so I grabbed a handful of it. It worked fine for a couple of seconds then she started squirming and then finally going crazy.

The stuff I had used was hairgel and it had Alcohol in it as a drying agent.

We left right away and when we got to her apartment I went into the other bedroom to wash the stuff off my dick. My package had dried to my underwear and I had to tear it off like a big bandage.

 

[UrinalCakeEater]

funny sex story

just the other night i was with my boyfriend. i think we all know where this ones headed. oops



so, where was I? i invited my boyfriend over for some candle lit dinner and a raunchy dick session. and let me tell you, we were in for a surprise. we started with dinner and a bubble bath. then we turned on some music (the new nickleback) needless to say, that led to some finger banging. he got me off once or twice just doing that. oh man! then we headed to the mall. i needed a comforter on my new bed. so we went to jc pennys. we were looking at the sheets when we saw a display bed. and right at that moment the new nickleback came on the loud speaker. the song was "photograph". no joke. my dick started to tingle a little bit. we ran hand in hand and jumped on the bed. we got in another fingerbang session that led to duel man explosions all over the place. boy, was it hot? me oh my.



the next day i missed my period. and now we are both 7 months pregnant

 

[tallcall]

just the other night i was with my boyfriend. i think we all know where this ones headed. oops



so, where was I? i invited my boyfriend over for some candle lit dinner and a raunchy dick session. and let me tell you, we were in for a surprise. we started with dinner and a bubble bath. then we turned on some music (the new nickleback) needless to say, that led to some finger banging. he got me off once or twice just doing that. oh man! then we headed to the mall. i needed a comforter on my new bed. so we went to jc pennys. we were looking at the sheets when we saw a display bed. and right at that moment the new nickleback came on the loud speaker. the song was "photograph". no joke. my dick started to tingle a little bit. we ran hand in hand and jumped on the bed. we got in another fingerbang session that led to duel man explosions all over the place. boy, was it hot? me oh my.



the next day i missed my period. and now we are both 7 months pregnant

Stop teasing me!!!

 

[Smooth=1]

hahaha, some of the post are hilarious...

 

[Akon84]

some good stories here lol

 

[MCx2]

just the other night i was with my boyfriend. i think we all know where this ones headed. oops



so, where was I? i invited my boyfriend over for some candle lit dinner and a raunchy dick session. and let me tell you, we were in for a surprise. we started with dinner and a bubble bath. then we turned on some music (the new nickleback) needless to say, that led to some finger banging. he got me off once or twice just doing that. oh man! then we headed to the mall. i needed a comforter on my new bed. so we went to jc pennys. we were looking at the sheets when we saw a display bed. and right at that moment the new nickleback came on the loud speaker. the song was "photograph". no joke. my dick started to tingle a little bit. we ran hand in hand and jumped on the bed. we got in another fingerbang session that led to duel man explosions all over the place. boy, was it hot? me oh my.



the next day i missed my period. and now we are both 7 months pregnant

Band name.

 

[HornyChick]

Fuckin Funny

1.Was fucking my boyfriend in the ass in his apartment. Then his mom walked in. She joined in.
I was so fuckin' happy that i didnt care and he didn't even notice. When we were finished he and his mom started doin it. I got freaked out and left.
2.New boyfriend. First date. Where in a restaurant and he was freakin' hot. He left for the bathroom and i followed him in. He started doing it doggy style in the mens room. What we didnt no was that the mens room was right next to the kitchen. LMAO.
3. My previous bf's story. Was woken up by someone stroking his dick. It was his 12 year old sister. He through her out of his room and went back to sleep. When he woke up she was riding him.

 

[gordon37]

Where to start?

I have over a million, since my buddies were the biggest scumbags alive, but they'll come to me slowly.

I'll start with this one....

My boy finally had sex with this chick he liked who lived next door. As their lying in bed, she asks "since we're probably gonna be sleeping together, i'd like to know how many girls you've been with".

Obviously my buddy is feelign awkward as hell, so he's like "uhhhh, not sure." She asks "over ten?" He says "yes". She asks "over twenty?". He says "yes". She is now starting to get real weirded out and asks, "over thirty?" He says "well, i've been to Cancun". She gets outta bed without saying a word, puts her clothes on, and doesn't talk to him again hahaha.

I'm still waiting for the punchline that was a horror story

 

[Uba]

Hornychick, those are some scary stories. Thats all i have to say about that.

 

[Hench]

Hornychick, those are some scary stories. Thats all i have to say about that.

She's a troll.

 

[Gazhole]

Once i was fucking this guy in the ass and he turned around and kissed me.

What a fag.

 

[Hench]

^^I lol'd

 

[T_man]

Once i was fucking this guy in the ass and he turned around and kissed me.

What a fag.

Eww?? he kissed u???

U shuda fucked him up

 

[Linda Sun]

hung for lust

Alfred

Alfred was a mistake. My husband and I were running a test and the unexpected results of the test turned out to be Alfred.

I had recently (in 1982), came into my psychic abilities and well, we were running a test on telepathy; that is we were trying to find out if I could read Jon???s mind if he concentrated on a few words and was in another room. I stayed in the living room and he went into the bedroom and tried to clear his mind by going into a light trance. He was to think of one or two words and I was to read them. It didn???t work; and we were interrupted. After trying for about twenty minutes; this ghost comes in the living room and starts to cuss out my husband. He was mad because my husband called him and then wouldn???t talk to him. He just ignored the ghost. Jon, of course couldn???t hear or see Alfred and that made Alfred mad. So he came in the living room and yelled at me. I got the poor dear to calm down. It seemed the two words my husband thought of was Alfred and 1841. Well Alfred is the ghost???s name and 1841 was when he was hung. Anyway he heard and he came.

Alfred is a little person somewhere between four and five feet. He likes to play games and can change his size and shape. He is a way, way, way out of the closet homosexual. Alfred got himself hung by stalking a sheriff???s deputy. Seems Alfred spotted the deputy taking a bath in a pond, and well the deputy was well hung. It was love at first sight for Alfred; unfortunately for Alfred the deputy wasn???t having any of that. After writing many love letters and completely making a pest of himself he was hung on a trumped up charge. Alfred now enjoys being a ghost.


Linda Sonnenleiter