find your farting soul mate
Aries
(21st March to 20th April)
??? Competitive
??? Adventurous and energetic
??? Pioneering and courageous
??? Enthusiastic and confident
??? Foolhardy and daredevil
Arien subjects are courageous leaders and as such they are the
first in a room to let rip. As followers they can be troublesome
and will sulk if someone beats them off the mark. In their
personal relationships, Ariens are frank and direct and make
food friends. If you are too shy to fart first, get together with
an Aries who will lead the way for you.
Taurus
(21st April to 21st May)
??? Practical
??? Artistic
??? Idealistic
??? Patient and reliable
??? Persistent and determined
??? Jealous and possessive
??? Resentful and inflexible
??? Self-indulgent and greedy
The Bull, and boy, do these people want you to know they
are the dog's bollocks when it comes to farting. Even his or
her farts have got to be bigger and smellier than anyone else's.
Female Taureans even boast to their friends that their fanny
farts are the loudest in the kingdom. They also take pride in
their farts lingering longer. If you enjoy the smell of farts,
hang around a Taurus. But remember, they are jealous and
self-indulgent, so do not try to compete. These people usually
work in marketing or some other aggressive job. They should
live miles from anyone and not on the fifth floor of a block of
flats, as when they start to blow off, buildings shake and young
children hide under their blankets. If this does not put you off
then nothing will.
Gemini
(22nd May to 21st June)
??? Well-informed
??? Adaptable and versatile
??? Communicative and witty
??? Intellectual and eloquent
??? Superficial and inconsistent
??? Cunning and inquisitive
Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is two-faced, elusive, complex
and contradictory. On the one hand it produces the virtue of
versatility, and on the other the vices of two-facedness and
flightiness. Therefore, they usually fart in crowds so they can
pin the blame on someone else and run away. Since Geminis
are great communicators they can fart a whole range of
sounds with different intensities. Their pitch and tone is music
to our ears.
Cancer
(22nd June to 23rd July)
??? House-proud
??? Clan-conscious (basically maternal)
??? Intuitive and imaginative
??? Shrewd and cautious
??? Protective and sympathetic
??? Changeable and moody
??? Over-emotional and touchy
The Cancerian character is the least clear-cut of all those
associated with the signs of the zodiac. Among farters they are
the most charming exponents of this art. They are very at ease
with their bodily functions but can be moody sometimes. This
leads to them getting upset when members of their family let
loose with a blaster. A Cancerian will also come to your
defence if somebody else takes the fun out of your farts. They
are most relaxed in the company of Taureans and should seek
out this star sign if looking for a soul mate.
Leo
(24th July to 23rd August)
??? Confident
??? Dignified
??? Intimidates others easily
??? Generous and warm-hearted
??? Creative and enthusiastic
??? Broad-minded and expansive
??? Pompous and patronizing
??? Bossy and interfering
??? Dogmatic
The Leo type is the most dominant, spontaneously creative
and extrovert of all the zodiacal characters. They are the
monarchs among humans as the lion is king of beasts. They
love to be the centre of attention, which makes for a fun time
if they are surrounded by Taureans.They love it when one of
their farts gets people talking and will patronize anyone whose
fart does not measure up. Leos do have a generous side and
enjoy being asked to perform. If you ask politely to smell it
they will love you for ever.
Virgo
(24th August to 23rd September)
??? Body-conscious
??? Modest and shy
??? Intelligent and analytical
??? Fussy and a worrier
??? Over-critical and harsh
??? Perfectionist and conservative
Virgo is the only zodiacal sign represented by a female. On the
surface Virgoans are cold and some may say anally retentive.
Because of this they are the last in a room to drop a fart. If you
can convince a Virgo to drop one you are in for a treat.
Because they are shy and are worried by what their bodies do,
they tend to hold them in far longer than they should.
Consequently the smell of their farts will wake the dead.
Libra
(24th September to 23rd October)
??? Diplomatic
??? Attractive
??? Fair
??? Urbane
??? Romantic and charming
??? Easy-going and sociable
??? Idealistic and peaceable
Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac. Librans have
elegance, charm and good taste, are kind, very gentle, and
lovers of beauty. Because of this they tend not to get involved
in rowdy farting contests but do their farting in private. They
absolutely die of shame if accused of dropping one and feel
that the whole farting process is practised by other people.
However, in a long-term relationship their guard goes down
and they unload the sweetest farts imaginable. They are most
at home with Virgoans.
Scorpio
(24th October to 22nd November)
??? Powerful
??? Passionate
??? Intense
??? Jealous and resentful
??? Compulsive and obsessive
??? Secretive and obstinate
Scorpios are the most intense, powerful characters in the
zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there
is a seething well of emotional energy underneath the placid
exterior. They are like volcanoes and their farts reflect this.
Their farts have a sting in the tail and you never know when
they will let one out. Never hold a contest between Leos and
Scorpios. They will fart to the death.
Sagittarius
(23rd November to 21st December)
??? Adventurous
??? Funny
??? Knowledgeable
??? Eternally optimistic
??? Freedom-loving
??? Jovial and good-humoured
??? Intellectual and philosophical
Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of
enterprise, energy, versatility and eagerness. They enjoy
travelling and exploration. They are always looking for new
thrills and will be the first in a room to light their fart and tell
you exactly what they ate to cause such a firestorm. They can
smell a fart and tell you what you have eaten and will know
everything about the composition of the fart. If you want to
find someone who will show an interest in your farts then this
star sign will make your perfect partner. Their philosophical
side is immense and their favourite saying is 'I fart, therefore I
am'.
Capricorn
(22nd December to 20th January)
??? Patient
??? Practical
??? Ambitious and disciplined
??? Humorous and reserved
??? Fatalistic
??? Miserly and grudging
The Capricorn is one of the most down-to-earth and serious
of the zodiacal types. These independent characters have many
qualities, although admittedly some of these are dull. A
Capricorn's fart slips out of his or her arse more smoothly and
more slippily than an eel on a hook. Because they are
disciplined they will not fart at will, but store them up and
only release one so as to achieve the maximum effect. This star
sign is prone to anal leakage and you should be aware of this
if you intend to spend much time in bed with one. They are
full of surprises, however, and very funny.
Aquarius
(21st January to 19th February)
??? Unusual
??? Well-intentioned
??? Stubborn
??? Friendly
??? Honest
??? Original and inventive
??? Intractable and contrary
??? Perverse and unpredictable
The Water Bearer, like Capricorn, suffers from wet farts that
will test the absorbent nature of their underwear to the hilt. If
male they never wear light trousers, and female Aquarians
never go far from home without finding out that there are
toilet facilities en route beforehand. They have a breadth of
vision that is quite awe-inspiring. If you are looking for farts
that are totally unique then this is the sign to watch out for.
Pisces
(20th February to 20th March)
??? Sensitive
??? Imaginative
??? Hopelessly sentimental
??? Potential for mind-altering drug addictions
??? Exaggerates everything
Pisces is one of the less flashy signs and their farts are more
ordinary than those of, for example, Leo, Scorpio and
Aquarius. However, they have an addictive nature and indeed
some people swear that they get a high from sniffing one of
their explosions. The magic-mushroom fart is a favourite and
if the donor has eaten baked beans as well, the results are like
having an LSD trip. Strange colours and strange objects float
by those who are downwind of these farts. As long as you go
with the flow then no long-term damage is sustained. Be
warned that Piscean farters are genuinely fishy farters, and are
prone to embellish the truth and just love sitting around
telling tales of their farting exploits.
