Greeky's Baby Steps

[Velvet]

you know hun, I have heard that for some sugar alcohols will cause bloat... perhaps try and cut back on them more? It would be worth a shot to see how you respond, they all certainly cannot be that good for you anyways.

and cheer up YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

Hi Greeky! Ya, I'm with Jen on this one, I know for myself, sugar alcohols cause bloating and just bad gassiness all around. A lot of folks just can't digest that stuff!

 

[greekblondechic]

TY uncle tony (whats the word for uncle in spanish?) i am definately hurt easily and i always wonder what i did to those people. i hate it that not many people are nice and i dont even want to go to work anymore because somebody is always saying something to hurt my feelings

jilly i do know its about fixing my inside but i just dont know HOW to do that and the only way ive found to make any progress internally is by making progress externally. which right now, isnt happening

velveteyes, i wish they didnt put sugar alcohols in so many sf things!

yesterday (was up since 4:30- no i didnt work out after work)
m1 1/2c oats sf syr lc yogurt
m2 egg beaters w mushrooms. ketchup coffee w milk
m3 cup of soup, mints, tons of coffee w milk
m4 chicken salad w dressing coffee w milk, couple bites cake (too sweet)
m5 half a lc granola bar, a lil ice cream a sf pop (yuck)
m6 pork chops, spinach, light frap, coffee w milk
m7 3 big handfuls lc cereal, some more ice cream (not a lot, maybe a few spoons) this felt almost like a binge, i had some control but didnt like that it happened

i am very cranky. i swear up and down there is a curse on me to not get enough sleep,. the more i need it, the less i get. somebody or something ALWAYS keeps me from falling asleep or wakes me up early its very agitating

went to doc, gettin some bloodwork, going to go on accutane

 

[fantasma62]

TY uncle tony (whats the word for uncle in spanish?) i am definately hurt easily and i always wonder what i did to those people. i hate it that not many people are nice and i dont even want to go to work anymore because somebody is always saying something to hurt my feelings

jilly i do know its about fixing my inside but i just dont know HOW to do that and the only way ive found to make any progress internally is by making progress externally. which right now, isnt happening

velveteyes, i wish they didnt put sugar alcohols in so many sf things!

yesterday (was up since 4:30- no i didnt work out after work)
m1 1/2c oats sf syr lc yogurt
m2 egg beaters w mushrooms. ketchup coffee w milk
m3 cup of soup, mints, tons of coffee w milk
m4 chicken salad w dressing coffee w milk, couple bites cake (too sweet)
m5 half a lc granola bar, a lil ice cream a sf pop (yuck)
m6 pork chops, spinach, light frap, coffee w milk
m7 3 big handfuls lc cereal, some more ice cream (not a lot, maybe a few spoons) this felt almost like a binge, i had some control but didnt like that it happened

i am very cranky. i swear up and down there is a curse on me to not get enough sleep,. the more i need it, the less i get. somebody or something ALWAYS keeps me from falling asleep or wakes me up early its very agitating

went to doc, gettin some bloodwork, going to go on accutane

Tio, that's the word in spanish for uncle....
I'll be by later....Loads of work since we had the hurricane and missed 2-3 days (including labor day)

 

[Velvet]

TY uncle tony (whats the word for uncle in spanish?) i am definately hurt easily and i always wonder what i did to those people. i hate it that not many people are nice and i dont even want to go to work anymore because somebody is always saying something to hurt my feelings

jilly i do know its about fixing my inside but i just dont know HOW to do that and the only way ive found to make any progress internally is by making progress externally. which right now, isnt happening

velveteyes, i wish they didnt put sugar alcohols in so many sf things!

yesterday (was up since 4:30- no i didnt work out after work)
m1 1/2c oats sf syr lc yogurt
m2 egg beaters w mushrooms. ketchup coffee w milk
m3 cup of soup, mints, tons of coffee w milk
m4 chicken salad w dressing coffee w milk, couple bites cake (too sweet)
m5 half a lc granola bar, a lil ice cream a sf pop (yuck)
m6 pork chops, spinach, light frap, coffee w milk
m7 3 big handfuls lc cereal, some more ice cream (not a lot, maybe a few spoons) this felt almost like a binge, i had some control but didnt like that it happened

i am very cranky. i swear up and down there is a curse on me to not get enough sleep,. the more i need it, the less i get. somebody or something ALWAYS keeps me from falling asleep or wakes me up early its very agitating

went to doc, gettin some bloodwork, going to go on accutane

Nice people always get their feelings hurt hon, because they care so much about others..and you are a very nice person..that's something to be proud of!

 

[greekblondechic]

I am mad mad mad at myself today!

I got up cranky due to being woken up a few hours early, and have been lying around my house feeling depressed. I dont even want to go out to get a cup of coffee

so far I've eaten

m1 3/4 c oats sf syr lc yogurt
m2 cinn raisin bagel w condensed sweetened milk, watermelon, few spoons ice cream and a TON of choc chips
m3
m4
m5

i really need to get out of this funk, i am only gettin more depressed by the day

 

[Jill]

You DO need to get out of this rut, and eating crappy deff isnt helping.

Tell me exatcally why you are depressed.

What did you do with the condensed milk?

 

[fantasma62]

You DO need to get out of this rut, and eating crappy deff isnt helping.

Tell me exatcally why you are depressed.

What did you do with the condensed milk?

OMG, not condensed milk. That and cheesecake are my two weaknesses. I really don't have a sweet tooth, but those too....Oh man...why did you bring it up Greeky.....
Listen little niece, I agree again with Jill, you need to get out of the rut, and who's waking you up early? Throw a shoe at them or something.
Maybe what you need is to slowly change things around. First investment would be to sound proof your room, second blindfolds and rope to tie everyone up in your house so that they let you sleep, third, now I am serious, change your attitude toward yourself. You get mad at yourself when you should really look carefully at you and loving you. Be selfish. Don't put anyone else ahead of you

 

[Velvet]

Chipper up hon! Did the condensed milk trigger the choco chip bag attack? Lol...I've had those days, but Jilly and Tony are right, it'll just make you feel worse. Is it nice outside? I know a walk in nature always does the trick for me!

 

[greekblondechic]

jilly i think mainly im depressed cuz a) my weight is now higher than my previous top weight at the doc's office and i look fat, i have gained a lot of weight since last summer like at least 20lbs none of my nice clothes fit me, not even close b) my skin looks horrrrrible, i am breaking out like crazy and its never been this bad til maybe the past year or less and i try to cover it up but i still look like shit c) people are mean to me and i let it get to me, even though i shouldnt d) havent been sleeping well and that always makes me crankier and miss workouts which makes it even worse e) fighting with parents (i guessed this caused me to fall moreso into my rut when i had a fight with my dad the other day) f) pms? maybe, hopefully, as some kind of explanation for my madness

i guess those are my main reasons..

i took the condensed milk and spread it over the cinn-raisin bagel, yum!

tio, the problem is i share a room with my sis, not much i can do about that, but i knoooow i need to love myself but that is so much easier said that done! i mean how exactly does one change their mind just like that? HOW? this is what i need work on most but i need a little more guidance as to how to go about doing this! i know how to work out i know what im supposed to eat but i dont know how to love myself

i am not sure if thats what triggered it, quite possibly velvet, cuz sugar makes you want MORE sugar. i was feeling depressed and tired and i didnt even want to sit at my computer i was watching tv, thats how lazy i felt (i almost never watch tv)

luckily for me, i got off my ass, took a shower took care of some stuff, and went to the gym, did 1 hr 10min cardio

m3 1/4c oats, 1/2 banana, sf syr, tuna, salad, a bit of lf french

im back on track already, yay for me...
should have a derm appt soon but cant make one til i know when i can get blood work and results back, i hope i can get on accutane soon but i am kinda scared of the possible side effects

 

[atherjen]

im back on track already, yay for me...

:bounce: ups and downs make us stronger!

hun, you are a BEAUTIFUL SMART woman!! I totally agree that learning to love YOU is essential! we luvs ya for who you are!! stay positive and remember how wonderful you are!

 

[fantasma62]

Nena, I'll help guide you toward loving yourself. It's not the easiest thing to do as I also have had to learn to do the same.
I also think that there are a lot of really good people here, who's imput you'll love to hear and who are willing to help out too...

Many hugs.....

 

[Sapphire]

Viv.. I can bet you there is literally nobody on this site who hasn't or doesn't look in the mirror and think YUCK!! It's human nature to want what we don't have.
I think you are totally normally for a young woman, you are a baby, when you get a bit older you will realize how beautiful you are. We can keep telling you but you don't believe us. That is also normal.

I have always hated my body, but ya know what, I think I have finally learned to accept myself, I am stuck in this bod forever and I will do the best I can with it. No other choice really.

Please realize that you are just going through a tough time now. You are so gorgeous and sweet and modest we all love you to death. GOD with your looks you should be conceited!! BUT you are not, thankfully.

Go to the skin doctor, get some sleep, relax and live your life. You are so young and have so much adventure and good times ahead of you!!

 

[greekblondechic]

jen its just hard for me to love myself when i hate what i see in the mirror! hate how my body feels! hate how i cant even go shopping anymore bc nothing looks good

tio please help if u can, that is my biggest issue and im sure that many others here are dealing with it as well

sapphire im sorry beautiful but every time u say that i just cant take u seriously bc u have my ideal perfect body and i cant believe u hate it! i know its a tough time and honestly for me depression comes and goes but i just want it to go and not come back!!!!

m4 roast chicken, salad w lf french, 1.5 fried flower meatball thingies (wouldnt even know how to explain this---dont usually eat them but they smelled good this time)
light frap, coffee w skim

overall the day turned out ok i think

 

[greekblondechic]

ugh, still depressed about the usual plus some additional stuff id rather not talk about

wondering if i have a hormone imbalance

ate a lot of lc cereal, and a handful of frosted flakes, and no i dont fuckin feel any better so why did i, i dunno

 

[Velvet]

luckily for me, i got off my ass, took a shower took care of some stuff, and went to the gym, did 1 hr 10min cardio

m3 1/4c oats, 1/2 banana, sf syr, tuna, salad, a bit of lf french

im back on track already, yay for me...

Way to go Viv!! That's the way to pick yourself up...you go girl!

 

[Sapphire]

jen its just hard for me to love myself when i hate what i see in the mirror! hate how my body feels! hate how i cant even go shopping anymore bc nothing looks good

tio please help if u can, that is my biggest issue and im sure that many others here are dealing with it as well

sapphire im sorry beautiful but every time u say that i just cant take u seriously bc u have my ideal perfect body and i cant believe u hate it! i know its a tough time and honestly for me depression comes and goes but i just want it to go and not come back!!!!

m4 roast chicken, salad w lf french, 1.5 fried flower meatball thingies (wouldnt even know how to explain this---dont usually eat them but they smelled good this time)
light frap, coffee w skim

overall the day turned out ok i think

I am soooooo FAR from perfect .. but thanks.

I understand being depressed.. I really do, just keep your chin up and know that you have lots of people who care about you and want you to be happy!
Is there anything I can do to help you????

 

[greekblondechic]

thanks velvet, if u read later on, i had a bunch of lc cereal and some regular, but overall i didnt do as much damage as i couldve, lol

sapphy- make me look like you!!!!

m1 3/4c oats sf syr lc yogurt
m2 roast chicken on 2 slices lt mg bread, 1.5c lc skim w sf syr, a few choc chips (finish off the bag so theres none around lol)
m3 apple, coffee w milk (i know no protein, tryin to normalize my life here)
m4 1/2c oats w sf syr, 1 pork souvlaki, "fat dandelions"
m5

so far doin good, yay

 

[fantasma62]

jen its just hard for me to love myself when i hate what i see in the mirror! hate how my body feels! hate how i cant even go shopping anymore bc nothing looks good

tio please help if u can, that is my biggest issue and im sure that many others here are dealing with it as well

sapphire im sorry beautiful but every time u say that i just cant take u seriously bc u have my ideal perfect body and i cant believe u hate it! i know its a tough time and honestly for me depression comes and goes but i just want it to go and not come back!!!!

m4 roast chicken, salad w lf french, 1.5 fried flower meatball thingies (wouldnt even know how to explain this---dont usually eat them but they smelled good this time)
light frap, coffee w skim

overall the day turned out ok i think

Hi kid, I will promise to try my best once we get out of this hurricane trifecta that we are going thru now....I'll be by later when I have a little more time.
I know I don't know you much, other than by reading, but do remember that you are loved here a lot. Everyone here loves you and wants you to feel for yourself exactly what we feel for you. Ask anyone here, you'll see....
I'll elaborate later......Many hugs.....Tio Tony

 

[greekblondechic]

thanks tio, im sorry ive not been in ur journal much, im not really up for too much posting right now, ive been making myself post here

 

[fantasma62]

thanks tio, im sorry ive not been in ur journal much, im not really up for too much posting right now, ive been making myself post here

Don't worry kid. I know you are down at this moment. I understand.
The first tidbit that I am going to give you is this. If you really want to love yourself, you have to begin by accepting the fact that you are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. You don't like your body, you don't like your face, you don't like your eating habits, etc. You are nitpicking nena. You need to look at the bright side of you. The side that your friends see and the side that you show us here. You know the one that makes us love you lots. The one that makes us hurt when you hurt. The one that makes us happy when you succeed. You are not too far off in that loving uncle thing. I have gotten attached to you because you are kind and nice. I am not going to talk about looks because as an uncle, that would put me in jail. However, if you look anything like your pictures and I was younger (and thinner, and lived in Jersey, and....) and not your adopted uncle, I have to tell you, I would have tried to ask you out, etc. Why? Because I think you are attractive, sexy, pretty and a smile that can stop traffic. Would I have been turned down? Absolutely, I know my limitations (my voodoo only worked on one beautiful woman, that's it).
I'll give you something else. Go over to your gallery and take a look at the picture in which you are sitting with your little sister and you are smiling. That picture shows that you have a spark about you. You like to, and know how to have fun and be happy. Don't take your eyes off that picture. Don't look at the mirror. Just stay with me here. Look at your eyes and tell me what you see...YOU ARE HAPPY!!!!
How do I know? babe, the grin sometimes may be fake, but the eyes never, ever lie....Don't you feel good when you look back to that moment in time? Try revisiting it.
On another front, if people tell you this or that, laugh. People expect you to cry and crack now that they saw they can get to you. If you laugh at them after STUPID-ASS comments, they may not be as inclined to do it again. If they do, then let your Greek temper out. Don't keep it in. You'll feel so much better.....How do I know that? About laughing? Dear, I have been fat for the better part of 12 years. People laugh at you when you look like me. I had someone here call me a whale in my gallery (which Pepper kindly erased). Did it bother me? Absolutely, for a split second, then I came back with a funny comment of my own and it made it better for me. Not a comeback, in fact I remember it: Lankster said: "Someone save that poor kid, that whale is going to eat it", or something like that. All I said was: "don't worry, my kid is safe, I already ate the whale", or something like that. That made me laugh and feel better at the same time.....

Just a few ideas to help you out a little...
Sorry for the long post, but I felt compelled to do it now.

 

[BritChick]

Viv.. I can bet you there is literally nobody on this site who hasn't or doesn't look in the mirror and think YUCK!! It's human nature to want what we don't have.
I think you are totally normally for a young woman, you are a baby, when you get a bit older you will realize how beautiful you are. We can keep telling you but you don't believe us. That is also normal.

I have always hated my body, but ya know what, I think I have finally learned to accept myself, I am stuck in this bod forever and I will do the best I can with it. No other choice really.

Please realize that you are just going through a tough time now. You are so gorgeous and sweet and modest we all love you to death. GOD with your looks you should be conceited!! BUT you are not, thankfully.

Go to the skin doctor, get some sleep, relax and live your life. You are so young and have so much adventure and good times ahead of you!!

Wow Sapphire you so totally nailed it with this post.
I know that you can't believe it Greeky but everything that Sapphire says is so true!
It's only now that I am in my 30's that I have some clarity and perspective... I spent many years in my 20's beating myself up emotionally that I wasn't good enough, it can reek havoc with your mind!
You are a beautiful young woman with so much to offer... I wish you could see it as clearly as we all can.

 

[Sapphire]

I guess there is truth to the expression with age comes wisdom.
or at least ACCEPTANCE!

 

[fantasma62]

I guess there is truth to the expression with age comes wisdom.
or at least ACCEPTANCE!

Yeah, tell me about it

 

[greekblondechic]

TIO and brit, i cant read your posts right now because i am late to meet my friend.. but i just wanted to post that i went to the gym! (promise ill read them later and respond!)

did back and 1 hr cardio, altho my back workout didnt feel taxing enough, i mighta did the dead's wrong damnit!

also: got my visit from aunt flo a whole week early, but i am SO relieved, it explains some of my extreme moodiness and crying! plus that means some water weight should be going soon, yay!

 

[greekblondechic]

Tio, you are wonderful! I guess I do have a spark, right now it's just running a little dim and I need to get it goin again. I get attached to people who care about me and I care about, I like bein called nena too

For a while, after my worst period of depression, I developed this razor sharp wit, I mean it was ridiculous. I had comeback after comeback after comeback. I alienated some people that way, but humor has been one of my ways to stay sane and lately I haven't been relying on it nearly as much as I used to. I'll admit my wit isnt what it was and I attribute that to not needing it as much, but I definately need to stop boiling inside when somebody hurts me and just let it out! That's why I crack and it sucks when I am at work and I can not stop crying for an hour! That was such a bad day. But I am feeling better now and you are my favorite uncle

Brit and Saph, again I have trouble believing two knockouts with awesome bodies can have had self esteem problems, but I guess we all do to some extent and the truth is I WONT get the body I want til I STOP beating myself up! Thanks for the insights ladies

Add to last night's meals
m5 egg beaters w mushrooms (AND NO TOAST W JELLY ) coffee w milk
m6 more coffee w milk, lc protein bar (starving at 4 in the morning)

Last night me and one of my best friend's went out for coffee (to four separate places so we could talk. And she lectured me on how good I have it and I don't even know it. She made a lot of sense and it was really helpful. I can't say I'll be a different person overnight, but some of the stuff was really making sense. She's right, I do have it good. Weight and skin problems are temporary. My loving family, college education, good looks and great friends are not. And I am thankful. Oh and I am thankful for my toes. I was up so late after we had coffee 3 times we just sat on her driveway and I was very much enjoying wiggling my toes.

 

[BritChick]

Brit and Saph, again I have trouble believing two knockouts with awesome bodies can have had self esteem problems, but I guess we all do to some extent and the truth is I WONT get the body I want til I STOP beating myself up! Thanks for the insights ladies

You nailed it with the comment about not getting the body you want until you stop beating yourself up... that's so true.
Thanks for the 'awesome body' comments... I'd be willing to dig out my 'fat bastard' pics from a little over a year ago to share with you if it will make you feel any better... I made a huge difference in 7 weeks of die hard training once I finally believed that I could do anything I put my mind to and put my focus where it needed to be.
Remember you too ARE a knockout!!!

 

[naturaltan]

You nailed it with the comment about not getting the body you want until you stop beating yourself up... that's so true.

As the ladies said ...

Thanks for the 'awesome body' comments... I'd be willing to dig out my 'fat bastard' pics from a little over a year ago to share with you if it will make you feel any better... I made a huge difference in 7 weeks of die hard training once I finally believed that I could do anything I put my mind to and put my focus where it needed to be.

and that's really all it takes ... the gumption to go hard for a couple of months. You have the motivation miss Greekie

Remember you too ARE a knockout!!!

I said that the first day I saw her ... IMs Greek Goddess.

 

[Jill]

Glad you are starting to feel better hon. I know you can pull through this.

 

[Sapphire]

As the ladies said ...



and that's really all it takes ... the gumption to go hard for a couple of months. You have the motivation miss Greekie


I said that the first day I saw her ... IMs Greek Goddess.

DEFINITELY Greek Goddess!!!

 

[Jenny]

hey hot stuff!

I like the direction this journal is going