Jokes, jokes and more jokes

[GFR]

My dick is so big; it has bark.

My dick is so big;it puts John H's imagination to shame

My dick is so big; it can only be measured in theory.

My dick is so big; it has a horizon.

My dick is so big; I can fuck the ocean.

My dick is so big; sometimes it jerks me off.

My dick is so big; god hand worships it as his Lord.

My dick is so big; FedEx won???t insure it.

My dick is so big; it was impeached by Congress.

My dick is so big; it???s got its own gang sign.

My dick is so big; it could eat a horse.

My dick is so big; Florida had to measure it twice.

My dick is so big; it snubbed the Oscars.

My dick is so big; it has a north pole.

My dick is so big; it has gaskets.

My dick is so big; it killed its ex-wife and got away with it scott free.

My dick is so big; I rent it out for weddings and Bar-Mitzfahs.

My dick is so big; I run three-legged races by myself.

My dick is so big; my urologist is a Sherpa.

My dick is so big; it???s not just famous, it???s IN famous.

My dick is so big; it has a stunt double.

My dick is so big; you must be at least 48 inches to ride.

My dick is so big; that I look like its dick in front of it.

My dick is so big; one side never sees the sun ??? it???s the dark side of my dick.

My dick is so big; it has a vanity plate that reads 1 BG DK.

My dick is so big; it has nostrils

My dick is so big; I can fuck a car wash.

My dick is so big; it has a nucleus.

My dick is so big; it has a drink named after it. It???s called Slow Gin Dick.

My dick is so big; that there???s not enough earth to bury me with it.

My dick is so big; ???Oh Yeah??? is its theme song.

My dick is so big; it was framed for murder as part of an intricate prescription drug scandal.

My dick is so big; the Pope has blessed it.

My dick is so big; compasses do not function properly around it.

My dick is so big; VH1 is letting it host an episode of ???The List???.

My dick is so big; Al Gore invented it.

My dick is so big; premature ejaculation takes ninety minutes.

My dick is so big; I???m listed as an organ donor twice on my driver???s license.

My dick is so big; black holes fall into it.

My dick is so big; it was on a Wheaties box.

My dick is a VIP, Very Important Penis.

My dick is so big; the Romans named their God, Simplyvs Hvges Giganticvs Erectia Dickvs, after it.

My dick is so big; it has a commemorative stamp.

My dick is so big; it has its own entourage.

My dick has a sunrise and sunset.

My dick is so big; sperm banks pay interest.

My dick is so big; it puts out 300kW ??? Standard!

My dick is so big; I have to sell it wholesale.

My dick is so big; it has stretch marks.

My dick is so big; it???s wanted in nine states, and Canada.

My dick is so big; they cold run the Indy 500 on it, with no turns.

My dick is so big; it???s getting its own State Quarter.

My dick is so big; it sleeps with one eye open.

My dick is so big; it has training wheels.

My dick is so big; someone once used it as a lifeline on, ???Who wants to be a Millionaire????

My dick is so big; my erections cause a total eclipse.

My dick is so big; black people say ???He???s got a big ass dick.???

My dick is so big; I use it to spear fish.

My dick is so big; VH1 did a ???Behind the Music??? about it.

My dick is so big; I lost my legs in Vietnam and can still drive a manual.

My dick is so big; they ride it in rodeos.

My dick is so big; the LAPD used it to beat Rodney King.

My dick is so big; when I get aroused, the Earth develops an elliptical orbit.

My dick is so big; it???s in a boy band with four other big dicks.

My dick is so big; it???s a government scapegoat.

My dick is so big; it has its own seat in Congress.

My dick is so big; it???s worshipped as a Pagan God.

My dick is so big; I can change channels without the remote.

My dick is so big; I can smuggle 14 kilos of crack, 9 stolen cars, and 5 illegal immigrants across the border in it.

My dick is so big; it has its own zip code.

My dick is so big; it sank the Titanic.

My dick is so big; it???s the opening act for KISS???s farewell tour.

My dick is so big; the great wall of China is just a guide rail for me to tour the country.

My dick is so big; Saddam was found hiding in it.

My dick is so big; it makes the Grand Canyon scream ???NOOOOOOOOO!!!!???

My dick is so big; the government is suing it for anti-trust violations.

My dick is so big; if I were a porn star, I could only make movies in Widescreen.

My dick is so big; it has its own fraternity, Delta Theta Cock.

My dick is so big; it has an ego.

My dick is so big; it has its own line of hip hop clothing.

My dick is so big; I have to stand in the hall when I take a piss.

My dick is so big; it won the Nobel Peace Prize.

My dick is so big; Scott Adams writes a cartoon about it. It???s called ???Dickbert???.

My dick is so big; it played Daddy Warbucks on Broadway.

My dick is so big; it gives me an allowance.

My dick is so big; it IS the government.

My dick is so big; it is a tax write-off.

My dick is so big; when in Leno???s mouth you can???t see his chin.

My dick is so big; it was a bouncer at Studio 54.

My dick is so big; it???s sectional.

My dick is so big; the man always be tryin??? to keep it down.

My dick is so big; it hangs out on the set of ???Friends???.

My dick is so big; I can play mailbox baseball while driving.

My dick is so big; Alan Greenspan uses it to raise interest rates.

My dick is so big; I decorate it at Christmas time.

My dick is so big; if I didn???t sleep on my side, planes would crash into it at night.

My dick is so big; the doctor had to use a chainsaw to circumcise me.

My dick is so big; they use Sequoias to test my condoms.

My dick is so big; Calvin Klein named a fragrance after it. It???s called CK My Dick.

My dick is so big; I have to use a complex irrigation system just to take a piss.

My dick is so big; it used to be a Harlem Globetrotter.

My dick is so big; it stormed the beach at Normandy.

My dick is so big; it affects the weather.

My dick is so big; it???s my boss.

My dick is so big; it gets manicures.

My dick is so big; it has an axle.

My dick is so big; it has a brain.

My dick is so big; it has a reinforced foundation.

My dick is so big; many consider it the Eighth Wonder of the World.

My dick is so big; it is the internet.

My dick is so big; it is Santa Claus.

My dick is so big; it has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

My dick is so big; it can stand up.

My dick is so big; I can fuck a volcano.

My dick is so big; I have to stow it in the overhead bin on planes.

My dick is so big; it has it???s own time zone ??? Central Dick Time.

My dick is so big; it was recently split into two area codes.

My dick is so big; it was part of the human evolution.

My dick is so big; it could feed Ethiopia for a month.

My dick is so big; it has a moon.

My dick is so big; it has branches.

My dick is so big; movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and my dick.

My dick is so big; it graduated a year before I did.

My dick is so big; a homeless family lives underneath it.

My dick is so big; there was once a movie called Godzilla VS. My Dick.

My dick is so big; we use it at parties as a limbo pole.

My dick is so big; I was once in Ohio and got a blowjob in Tennessee.

My dick is so big; Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.

My dick is so big; I entered a big-dick contest and it came in first, second and third.

My dick is so big; the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.

My dick is so big; I???m already fucking a girl tomorrow.

 

[GFR]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[GFR]

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

 

[GFR]

Yo momma so poor...

Her face is on the front of a food stamp.

That your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

When I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

She waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

Burglars break into yo momma's home and leave money.

When I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

The building society repossessed her cardboard box.

She watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers

She can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

When I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked yo momma what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.

I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

When I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'

I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."

I visited yo momma's house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"

I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."

Only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...

When I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."

She hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

Closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...

She had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

Even Beggars give you money.

She bounces food stamps.

She can't even afford to pay attention.

She uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.

She uses chewing gum as a band aid.

She lives in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.

She uses white-out as a tooth filler.

She can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor...

Her idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the 'yellow snow'...and yo loved it, didn't ya!

Yo momma so short she can hang glides Doritos.

Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy.

Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like shit.

Yo momma's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs.

Yo momma so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Yo momma's so short, she does back flips under the bed.

 

[GFR]

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

 

[MyK]

^^either that or they just asked their sugar daddy fro money!

 

[TheCurse]

my favorite joke of all time:





whats black white and red and cant get through a revolving door?














a nun with a spear through her head.