Jokes, jokes and more jokes

[Triple Threat]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

 

[Triple Threat]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[Triple Threat]

A police officer pulls a biker over for speeding and has the following exchange:-

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I've been banned for exceeding 150 mph.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The bike is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
registration in the panniers when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the panniers?

Biker: Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the man
who owns this bike.

Officer: You killed the bikes owner?????

Biker: Yes, mate.

Officer: Hearing this, the officer immediately radios for back up. The
bike was quickly surrounded by police, and the Chief Inspector
approached the rider to handle the tense situation.

Inspector: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure officer, here it is. (It was valid.)

Inspector: Who's bike is this?

Biker: It's mine, inspector. Here's the registration papers. (The rider
owned the bike.)

Inspector: Could you slowly open your panniers so I can see if there's a
gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (Sure enough, there was
nothing in the panniers.)

Inspector: Would you mind showing me where the body is?

Biker: What body?

Inspector: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, shot the owner, stole the bike and had
a gun in the panniers.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, as well.

 

[Triple Threat]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!

 

[Triple Threat]

It was a few minutes before the services started. The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly. Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman. He sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in front of him. Satan walked right up to the old man and said:
"Don't you know who I am?
The man replied: "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked: "Well, why aren't you afraid of me"?
The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied: "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

[Triple Threat]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!

 

[DOMS]

That's one...


A farmer living out in the country decided that he needs a wife. So he takes his horse drawn wagon into the city. After a day or so he finds a woman, marries her, and loads her up in the buggy and starts for home.

Along the way the horse is startled be a rabbit running by and starts, shaking the buggy around. The farmer gets down from the buggy, walks over to the horse and say, "That's one."

The wife looks on, a little confused.

A bit later, the horse trips over a root, shaking the buggy around. The farmer gets down from the buggy, walks over to the horse and say, "That's two."

Again, the wife looks on confused.

A bit later, the horse is surprised by a rattle snake and jumps, shaking the buggy around. The farmer grabs his rifle form the buggy, gets down, walks over to the horse and say, "That's three", and then shoots the horse.

The wife is hysterical. She starts yelling, "I can't believe you shot the horse! How could you do that! That's not right!"

The farmer looks at her calmly and said, "That's one..."

 

[DOMS]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man as given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

He brought in the woman and gave her the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

[KelJu]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man as given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

He brought in the woman and gave her the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

[Witchblade]

That last one is brilliant.

 

[Triple Threat]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Philadelphia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes upand is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I ! feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too.
You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."

 

[Triple Threat]

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims but he swears every word is true.

"Well," asked the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

 

[Triple Threat]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as
the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said; "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied; "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

 

[Triple Threat]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning".

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

 

[puddlechicken]

whats a womans asshole and a nine volt battery have in common
u know its wrong but ur gonna lick them both

 

[puddlechicken]

what do u call a hooker with a runny nose
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