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[david]

OK, here is some Homer Simpson's quotes!!!!

 

[david]

Homer : "Kids, Kids! I'm not gonna die! That only happens to bad people!"
Bart : "What about Abraham Lincoln?"
Homer : "Err...He sold poisoned milk to school children!"

 

[david]

Lisa : "... World domination???!!!"
Homer : "Oops! That must be a mistake."

Brain to Homer : "Mental note -- the girl knows too much."

 

[david]

Homer (to brain): "Uh, oh. It's time you told Marge your secret."

Homer : "Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom."
Marge : "Oh, my gosh!"
Brain : "No, the other secret."
Homer : "Marge, I never passed high school."
Marge : "That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does."

 

[david]

Marge : "But, Homer! You're a Nuclear Technician."
Homer : "Marge! Icksnay on the Uclearnay EchnicianTay."
Marge : "What did you say?"
Homer : "I don't know. I flunked Latin, too."

 

[david]

Homer : "I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very
scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see,
there are some cry babies out there, religious types mostly, who
might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn
off your set now. Come on! I dare ya! Buwack buck buck buck buck
buck buck buck Buwack buck buck buck, Chicken!"

 

[david]

Homer: "How much does this job pay?"
Lenny: "Nothin'"
Homer: "D'oh!"
Lenny: "Unless you're crooked."
Homer: "Woohoo!"

 

[david]

Burns : "We don't have to be adversaries Homer, we both want a fair Union contract..."
Homer (To Brain) : Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?"

Burns : "...and if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!"
H Brain : "Wait a minute, is he coming onto me?"
Burns : "I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?"
H Brain : "Oh my God! He is coming onto me!"
Burns : "After all, negotiations make strange bed-fellows,
[Friendly Laugh]
H Brain : "Arggh!"
Homer : "Sorry Mr Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor
shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious,
but the answer is no!

 

[david]

Mr Burns is a Vampire Episode

Lisa : "You must drive this stake right through his heart"

[Sounds of Homer Opening coffin]

Homer : "Take that vile FIEND!"

[Homer plunges stake into body, repeatedly hammering]

Lisa : "Ah...Dad, that's his crotch."
Homer : "Ho Ho Ho, Sorry!"

 

[david]

Mr Burns is a Vampire Episode

(Lisa tries to convince Homer that Burns is a vampire)

Homer : "Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!"

 

[david]

Homer & Bart : "I saw the spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball..."
Marge : "If you don't mind!?!, we're on our way to a funeral."

Homer : "Ding Dong, the witch is dead..."
Bart : "Which old witch?"
Homer : "The wicked witch!"

 

[david]

Just before the last piece of donut disapears down Homer's throat

Homer : "Hey, wait! If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my
soul, do you?"

Devil Flanders : "Uh, technically no, but..."

Homer: "I'm smarter than the devil! I'm smarter than the dev..."

Devil Flanders : "YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON!"

 

[david]

Someone : "Take this object, but beware! It carries a terrible
curse..."

Homer : "Ooh, that's bad!"
Someone : "...but it comes with a free frogurt..."
Homer : "That's good!"
Someone : "...the frogurt is also cursed..."
Homer : "That's bad!"
Someone : "...but you get your choice of topping..."
Homer : "That's good!"
Someone : "The toppings contain potassium benzoate..."
[Silence]
Someone : "That's bad!"
Homer : "Can I go now?"

 

[david]

Bart vs. Moe

I never realized how bad Moe threaten Bart over the phone until actually reading these!

Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic
here?
Wait a minute...
Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever
find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!

Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute...
Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you,
you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half



Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap
It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a
hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!

 

[david]

Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey,
everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
Oh, wait a minute...
Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my
hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!

(Principal Charming)
Bart (in Principal Skinner's
office)
Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer says "Don't look at me!"
Oh, no...
You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into
your cheek and rip your face off!
Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what, young man?"

 

[david]

Mike Rotch!
Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm
going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice
pick!

Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!


Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have
a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney says "You sure do!"
Oh...it's you, isn't it?
Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use
your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!

 

[david]

Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm
going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!


Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put
down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!

Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh All right, settle down. Anita Bath here? More laughs All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that! Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list

 

[david]

Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name
Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

 

[david]

(Bart on the Road)
(Homer) Hello, I'd like to speak
with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura
(Moe) Eura Snotball?
(Homer) What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!


These were great!

 

[david]

CHALKBOARD sayings in the beginning of each episode.

I will not waste chalk

I will not aim for the head

I will not skateboard in the
halls

I will not barf unless I'm
sick

I will not burp in class

I will not expose the
ignorance of the faculty

I will not instigate
revolution

I saw nothing unusual in the
teacher's lounge

I will not draw naked ladies
in class

I will not conduct my own
fire drills

I did not see Elvis

I will return the seeing-eye
dog

 

[david]

Funny noises are not funny

I will not call my teacher
"Hot Cakes"

I will not snap bras

Garlic gum is not funny

I will not fake seizures

They are laughing at me, not
with me

This punishment is not boring
and meaningless

I will not yell
"fire" in a crowded classroom

My name is not Dr. Death

I will not encourage others
to fly

I will not defame New Orleans

I will not fake my way
through life

 

[david]

I will not prescribe
medication

Tar is not a plaything

I will not bury the new kid

I will not Xerox my butt

I will not teach others to fly

It's potato, not potatoe

I will not bring sheep to class

I will not trade pants with others

A burp is not an answer

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy

I am not a 32 year old woman

Teacher is not a leper

I will not do that thing with my tongue

Coffee is not for kids

I will not drive the principal's car

I will not eat things for money

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart

I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call

I will not sell school property

The principal's toupee is not a frisbee

I will not cut corners, " " " " " " " "

I will not squeak chalk

I do not have diplomatic immunity

I will not charge admission to the bathroom

I will not get very far with this attitude

Goldfish don't bounce

 

[david]

I will not make flatulent noises in class

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups

I will not belch the National Anthem

No one is interested in my underpants

I will not sell land in Florida

I will not sell miracle cures

I will not grease the monkey bars

Underwear should be worn on the inside

I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment

The Christmas pageant does not stink

I will not do anything bad ever again

I will not torment the emotionally frail

I will not show off

I will not call the principal "spud head"

I will not carve gods

I will not sleep through my education

I will not spank others

 

[david]

I am not a dentist

I will not bribe Principal Skinner

Spitwads are not free speech

I will finish what I start

Nobody likes sunburn slappers

"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender

High explosives and school don't mix

Hamsters cannot fly

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy

I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle

I am not
delightfully saucy

 

[david]

Organ transplants are best left to the professionals

I will not send lard through the mail

I will not use abbrev.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal

Indian burns are not our cultural heritage

There are plenty of businesses like show business

I will not dissect things unless instructed

I will not hang donuts on my person

No one wants to hear my armpits

I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

I will not strut around like I own the place

Next time it could be me on the scaffolding

The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far

I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist

I am not a lean mean spitting machine

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan

I will not whittle hall passes out of soap

Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things

I do not have power of attorney over first graders

Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does

I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr

I am not certified to remove asbestos

"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball

I will remember to take my medication

The boys room is not a water park

Beans are neither fruit nor musical

Nerve gas is not a toy

"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism

The First Amendment does not cover burping

Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough

 

[david]

One funny song done by Sideshow Bob


"Very well Bart, I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell. And a-two and a-three: We sail the ocean blue, in a saucy ship of beauty. We are sober men and few, and attentive to our duty."
We now go through a series of scenes where Sideshow sings different songs from the H.M.S. Pinnafore.
"I'm poor little buttercup, poor little buttercup though I could never tell why..."
Bart even joins him in one:
"What never? No never! What never? Hardly ever! He's hardly ever sick at sea!"
And finally:
"For he himself has said it, and it's clearly to his credit, that he is an English Man. He remains an English Maaaaan!"

 

[david]

 

[david]

I've gone to look at something Pornal... BRB!

 

[Dero]

OK...
I don't know if I'll be gere still,I'm at work today.

 

[david]

Gere? As in Richard Gere?