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Sick offensive twisted jokes.

Thresh

Thresh

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Know any extremely outrageously twisted sickening offensive jokes?

Post them up!


How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coat hangar.
#
What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
#
What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.
#
Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
It couldn’t live with the name “aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa” any longer.
#
Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old girl in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.

What's better than that?
Turning her around and pretending it's a boy.

What's even a better feeling than that?
Feeling the pelvis crack.
#
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.
#
What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
#
What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
#
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
#
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.
#
How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
#
A clown is walking through the forest, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
“I’m scared,” moaned the boy.
“You’re scared!” he replied. “I have to walk out alone.”
#
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
#
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
#
What’s the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re twelve.
#
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can’t tell anyone.
#
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
#
If you are raping Helen Keller in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, it is still fucking hilarious?



5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”
“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.
#
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”
#
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
#
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.
#
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son’s dick tastes funny.
#
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
#
What’s the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don’t lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I’m masturbating.
#
What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
#
A man calls into work and tells the boss he can’t come in because he’s sick.
“How sick are you?” asks the boss.
“Well, I’m currently screwing my daughter.”
#
Why don’t women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.
#
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
#
Nigger walks into a store and buys something...
#
What’s the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
#
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.



5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.
#
What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
#
What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
#
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”
#
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
#
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”
#
What’s the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don’t like smear tests.
#
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
#
What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
“I bet she was nice when she was younger.”
#
What do you do when your girlfriend tells you she has AIDS?
Act surprised.
#
What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can’t gargle sand.



5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
What sucks about being black & Jewish?
You have to go to the back of the oven.
#
What do you call a daddy, who is ready to fuck his little 4 year old girl, for the 1st time?
Lucky Bastard!!!
#
Whats The Main Cause Of Pedophilia?
Sexy Kids
#
It's so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person.

The other day I wrote a message, "Hey babe, thinking of U makes my cock hard, can't wait to sex U up 2night" and sent it to my 10-year-old daughter.

Imagine how embarrassing it would have been if I'd sent that to the wrong person.
#

Just saw a Facebook group: "Hi, I'm a bra. I touch your girlfriend's boobs every day... Jealous yet? ;D"

Joke's on them, my girlfriend doesn't need a bra yet.
#
They say one in 5 men are gay. That means one of my friends are gay.

I hope it's Johny, he's super cute.
#

Didn't help myself in court yesterday.

I was arrested for child porn charges and the Judge said, "How does 5-6 years sound?"

I said, "Sexy."
#

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."




5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
How do you get a diabetic in a wheelchair?
Piece of cake
#
I applied for a job at Childline the other day.

Apparently, "I like listening to children's rape stories" is not an acceptable reason for employment.
#
My wife said to me, "I've just heard some great news, apparently the police know who the local paedophile is and they are going to arrest him tonight."

I said, "That's brilliant news. Let's celebrate by moving to Australia."
#
I got fired from work today for creating a photo-shop picture of the boss's 15 y.o. daughter sucking on my eleven inch cock and emailing it to everyone in the department.

A few people thought it was funny, most were disgusted but I'm just confused.

What's photo-shop?
#
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
#
My girlfriend just broke up with me. She found my collection of child pornography on my laptop.

I tried to explain to her that it wasn't mine. She didn't believe me and asked me if I thought she was born yesterday.

"I fucking wish." probably wasn't the best response.
#
People who are scared of paedophiles need to grow up.



5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"

Kinky bitch.
#

Who here wants to play a game of rape?

No? That's the spirit!
#
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
#
A friend of mine was complaining that there's no real comedic merit to sick jokes; that there's too much reliance on a relatively offensive or risqué punchline.

Anyway, we argued about it for a while and then I raped her.
#
My wife was gang raped by a troupe of mime artists.

They performed unspeakable acts on her.
#
After strangulation, which organ in the female body remains warm after death?

My cock.
#
some men prefer blondes over brunettes, or skinny over fat. I don't mind, just aslong as they're unconscious.
#
The awkward moment when a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer.

Killer: "Ya, just turn down that dark road right there."
Rapist: "I was planning on it ..."
#
I saw a female protester hand-cuffed to a fence with a little sign which read, "Say NO to RAPE!"

So I said, "NO!"
Then raped her.
#
I was walking down a street when the woman in front of me dropped her bags. She asked me for help.

"Of course I'll help," I said to her, "With how beautiful you are, I bet you can get a man to do anything."

She giggled and flirted back by touching my arm and saying, "With how strong you are, I bet you can get a woman to do anything."

I laughed and said, "Yes, I can actually."

Then I raped her.
#





5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
Thank god for padded walls eh bro?
 
I stopped a woman from being raped last night.

I stayed in.
#

I got gang raped last night.

I wonder which of the nine didn't enjoy it.
#

Duct tape is silver... Silence is golden.
#
I was about 14-years-old when my dad caught me drinking.

I said, "Dad, honest it's the first time."

"That's a lie" he replied, "No one ever gets caught at doing anything the first time."

So later that night, I went out and raped someone.
#

My favourite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
#

On behalf of all the feminist's (and my victims) I'd just like to remind everyone that rape is no laughing matter...

Unless of course you're raping a clown.
#

What's the difference between rape and murder?

My mood.
#

Good news for terminal cancer patients...

Clocks go back this weekend so that's an extra hour.
#

I read in the paper that there are up to 100,000 battered women in the UK each year.

And all this time I've been eating them raw.
#

What's the difference between a baby and a Mars Bar?

About 500 calories.
#

As a parent of a boy with Downs Syndrome, I am sickened by all these jokes about the condition. So is he.
In fact I told him one of the jokes yesterday. You should have seen the look on his face.
#
If god didn't want us to have sex with children with down syndrome then why did he make drool such amazing lube?
#

I had a parcel delivered and it was covered in drool and crayon.

That's the last time I pay for a special delivery.
#

How bad must the rest of the sperm be if the one with Downs Syndrome wins the race?
#

I'm one of those who loves to have a good laugh at work.

Which is why I work with disabled children.
#

I don't seem to get along with downs syndrome people... they're a bit big headed.



5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
The morning after Christmas, two brothers are in front of the tree.

"So what did you get?"

"I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten action figures, the new playstation 3, 10 games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts and clothes. And you?"

"I got a pair of socks and a spiderman toy."

"Is that it?"

"Well yeah, but I don't have leukaemia."
#

Kicked the shit out of 4 skinheads who were looking at me funny.

Turned out they were blind leukaemia patients but a win's a win.
#

There's a charity bike ride in London on 26th May next year for Leukaemia sufferers.

If I shave my head I think I have a good shot at winning this.
#

My poor dyslexic son thinks he's getting an emu called luke.The doctor told him he's getting leukaemia.
#

I told my wife that she has to buy me a Father's Day present.

I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarriage?
#

My wife fell asleep on the sofa. Feeling a little naughty, I took a marker pen and wrote 'World's Worst Mum' on her forehead.

The next morning when she looked in the mirror she went mental.

I had no idea that having a miscarriage affects your sense of humour.
#

What's ten inches long with a big red head, that makes my girlfriend cry when I force it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.
#

I called my son a bloody disappointment today and the wife burst out in tears.

Apparently, she's sensitive over her miscarriage.
#
I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying. Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby.

I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.
#

My wife miscarried last night.

She really needs to brush up on her long division skills.
#

What do you say to a woman who has just had a miscarriage?

For fuck's sake, can't you do anything right...?
#
I read a sign outside my local primary school saying: "Slow children playing."
I thought, fucking hell that can't do much for their self-esteem, but then I realised that they probably won't be able to read it.
#

Raping kids with downs syndrome is fucking retarded
#

"Dad..."

"Yes son?"

"Am I ill?"

"How can I put it... Do you like dolphins?"
#

I've just been a bit naughty and turned a ten year old girl on.

To be fair I shouldn't have turned her life support machine off in the first place.
#
I was telling a few jokes to my mates in the pub last night, when I was approached by a bloke.

He said, "I've been listening to you for the last hour and I just wanted to let you know that my wife has got Multiple Sclerosis, my son is gay and my daughter has been raped."

I said, "I haven't told any jokes about Rape, Gays or Multiple Sclerosis."

He said, "I know, but I'm going home soon, you must know a few?"
#

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger".

M.S says different.
#

I just had a blow job from an autistic Girl.

I have special needs too.
#

Most women say that once they've gone black, they never go back.

Good. I don't want any of those filthy bitches giving me AIDS.



5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.
#
Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
A: One, but you have to throw it really hard.

Q. What's worse than ten dead babies in a barrel?
A. One dead baby in ten barrels.

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.

Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.
#
What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?

The trash can behind the cancer ward.


5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?
Can't fuck a table.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.


How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.

What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?
A baby shot through a snowblower.

Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face.

What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Stopping it with a shovel.

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?
The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth.

What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall?
Ripping them off again.

Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?
I don't know why they didn't either.

What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.

What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

What's red, screams and goes around in circles?
A baby with its foot nailed to the floor.

What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?
Cancer.

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

What do you call a 30week-old preemie?
An Appetizer.

How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?
Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.

What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.

What's grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?
Nailing it to a dead puppy.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Crib death.

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
An erection.

How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is around to hear it,
is it still hilarious?

If you rape Helen Keller in the forest, and no one is around to hear it,
Is it still hilarious?

How do you stop Helen Kelker from telling anyone about the rape in the forest?
Smash her fingers with the log you used on her.



5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
There are two things I hate about my son's new partner:
He's black.

What's the difference between a gay and a microwave?
A microwave won't brown your sausage.

I love going gay clubbing!
My only problem is wiping the blood off my baseball bat afterwards.

Why does everyone think my Dads are gay?

My brother came out of the closet today.
I knew I should have used a better lock.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.


Some people have a problem with me using the word 'gay' all the time, saying that I'm being homophobic.
Thing is, when I say 'gay' I don't actually mean 'homosexual'; I just use the word to describe anything that's bad in the world.
And if you don't like it, you can just jew off and stop being so fucking black about it.

My friends call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute.
I'd like to see them try it with high heels on.

Five fags are sitting in a hot tub. All of a sudden a wad of bubbling jizz floats up to the surface. The five fags all look at each other.
One says: Okay, who farted?

How many fags does it take to keep a fire burning?
All of them.

How do you make a fag scream twice?
Fuck him hard, then go wipe your dick off on his curtains.

How do you know when you are gay?
When you're fucking a guy and you reach around to see if he has a hard on.

So I was fucking this guy and he says "hey, how about a reach around?" then I'm like "what do you think I am gay?" what a fag...

No I'm not gay. But my boyfriend on the other hand, complete fag.

How do you fit four fags on a barstool?
Turn it upside down.

How many fags can you fit on a barstool?
as many as you like they stack like Legos...

What's considered courtesy in a gay bar?
When you ask before pushing someone's stool in for them.

What is the first sign of AIDS?
Sharp pounding sensation in your ass.

What does AIDS stand for?
Asshole Inject Death Sentence

What does gay stand for?
Got Aides Yet?

What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?
Roll AIDS.


5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
Hope someone post one I haven't heard yet :-)


5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
:roflmao:How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?
Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.
Thresh, you've got me dyin. I'll try to leave behind a sexy corpse.
 
Those are funny jokes...
 
withoutrulers said:
:roflmao:How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?
Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.
Thresh, you've got me dyin. I'll try to leave behind a sexy corpse.
Click to expand...

Hahaha :clapping:


5"10
195lbs

Currently cycle:
Cruising on 250mg Test Cyp/week.
 
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
 
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