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The Ten Signs of Positive Qualities (and Four to Avoid) in a Potential SO.
The Psychopath Check List is a helpful list that criminal psychiatrists use to determine whether someone could be a hardcore psychopath capable of committing repeated evil and violent crimes.
Pychopaths generally display these negative character traits: gibness (smooth talker), extreme charm, feelings of high self-worth, pathological lying, being prone to boredom and emotional unavailability.
This list can be used to help us understand the need to evaluate a potential mate: the importance of sound intrinsic character values, useful for avoiding persons incapable of forming a solid, lasting relationship - when compared to judgement soley based on physical appearance and sexual aptitude.
Theres a difference between romance and intimacy. Romance is about personality, and intimacy is about character. Romance is about the lure of surface chemistry, a superficial bond of lust between socialized self playing with somebody elses socialized self. In other words, everybody's got their party face on and is having a good time today, not thinking about tomorrow, thanks.
The problem is that this interlude of early infatutuation is not necessarily long-lasting. This period of attraction may span days to months, waning as a lack of a deeper match between personality / character fails to materialize, and the first tinges of boredom and criticism emerge, as one or both realize that their presumed main attraction is no as longer desirable as once thought.
Intimacy is about connecting beneath our pretty exterior, character-to-character. It's the slow unveiling and sharing of your inner self with someone elses real self - and that's a necessary starting point for a solid, long-lasting relationship. To make this transition takes trust and respect. You're not about to share facts about yourself, your past, your feelings....if that basis is not in place. Along with trust and respect, comes honor, that the person who is doing this telling is truthful in these inner revelations.
Trust, honor, respect. The three fundamental pillars of support for a long-term stable and rewarding relationship with a significant other (SO).
Say you've been in the dating game for a while, and you're tired of the more trivial dating intertudes that end in dissapointment. You're wanting to know of the positive character traits, and a few negative ones to help clue you in on those inner characteristics.
Answer the following questions honestly, and youll save yourself a lot of time by avoiding the wrong type of partner.
1. Is your date kind, respectful to others? Do you hear a lot of negativity in their comments and judgements of others? Are they hypercritical of others, do they complain about small, trivial issues? Remember also, while your date may be displaying signs of questionable ability to respect others, they may be socially stressed by the date itself, keep this in mind as you observe them.
2. Has your date confessed to immoral behavior: cheating, stealing, lying, inappropriate aggression? If so, how much reflection on this and desire to change has this person shown since then? Not all who morally transgress are bad people; they may have learned their lessons. However, it may also be an indicator of low self-esteem and a problem with extending trust and respect to others.
3. Does the person youre dating have any addictions: Drinking, gambling, shopping? Does he or she want to changeand is he or she working to make change happen? These addictions are signs of more pressing psychological issues with stress, and compulsive (OCD) disorders that may or maynot lapse into deeper problems of chronic depression and mental illness. These psychological issues are treatable, but they come with a steep price tag.
4. Does your date have a lot of lasting friendships or hardly any? This is the indicator of the presence of social support networks that are the hallmarks of a healthy ability to form long-lasting stable associations with others. There are caveats, personal situation that may explain exceptions...so once again, measure with a grain of salt...social interactions have changed dramatically with insular (segregating) adaptation to the Internet and the physical realities of frequent changes in location for job or family.
5. Does your date always tell stories about bad dynamics he or she experiences with other people? Or does he or she seem to get along easily, even swimmingly, with others? Again, these are indicators of the capacity for positive association with others, lack of overt criticism, arrogance, and tolerance. Where these traits are missing - watch out.
6. Does your date comment on stories or the experience of others with a sense of empathy and awareness, or is he or she low on expressing compassion for all that is going on in this world? In other words, is this person self absorbed and overly preoccupied with themselves? They may not be supportive, giving / sharing individuals as partners.
7. Have you witnessed your date doing small acts of kindness (leaving a very big tip for no apparent reason, helping someone with his or her shopping bags)? This is a sign of generosity, of "other directed behavior" that is important to a relationship, because they must be willing to make small personal sacrifices in the forming of long term intimate partnership. If they make a big deal out of these acts of generosity, pay attention. It maybe more for self-agrandizement than a true indicator of the ability to share and act spontaneously with kindness and compassion.
8. Does this person donate time, money and energy to good causes/charity? Are they active in community service? Do they donate their time to worthy causes? Same as above, another angle, this time a less spontaneous and more of a practice or habit. A telling sign of deeply instilled traits of habitual compassion, generosity, empathy and kindess. This is also a sign of social maturity and selflessness - both necessary for longterm relationship stability.
9. Does your date value self-growth and show this by being open to hearing your grievances, accepting responsibility for problems when merited, and sharing with you how much he or she values learning lessons in life? This is an important indicator of personal maleability...of adaptability to the changes in habits and preferences, the sharing of self, that must take place for two people to cohabit relatively peacefully, without constant strife or feelings of being manipulated or forced to change. Some change is inevitable. Feelings of loss of privacy and some control, especially for those past early adulthood are inevitable. How we react to these subtle and overt pressures to adapt to the needs of living, giving, and sharing as we settle into twosome life will determine our willingness to bend, relent and identify with a potentially contrary position of your SO when necessary, to avoid strife.
10. Does your date truly value open communication and know how to listen? When you're upset or need nurturing / support and empathy, does this person deal with the problem at the speed of life... or shut down / stonewall / attack / condescend? A relationship will survive -- not based on how well you get along --but by how well you dont get along - basic failure to identify with the position and feelings of others. A relationship bond is only as strong as the elasticity of give-and-take between two individual at their weakest and most trying moments together.
From this list, you may have surmised that there are also four negative character traits that may indicate personality and social issues that makes a potential candidate for SO unsuitable. They are:
defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt
As you evaluate your date for these attributes good and bad, consider also the signs that you youself project to others.
Like has a tendency to attract like, and form a stable relationship, once the luster of infatuation dulls and we begin to peer deeper, beneath the exterior self of a potential mate.
What we see, and how well we recognize these tell tale markers of a healthy stable personality - this is one of the important measures of our own ability to identify key interpersonal compatability and capacity for pair bonding within the many, many possible character combinations we may come across during our quest for a suitable mate.
Its a crap shoot. The odds are high - that without a set of descriminators, a rule set, you are going to fail.
The Psychopath Check List is a helpful list that criminal psychiatrists use to determine whether someone could be a hardcore psychopath capable of committing repeated evil and violent crimes.
Pychopaths generally display these negative character traits: gibness (smooth talker), extreme charm, feelings of high self-worth, pathological lying, being prone to boredom and emotional unavailability.
This list can be used to help us understand the need to evaluate a potential mate: the importance of sound intrinsic character values, useful for avoiding persons incapable of forming a solid, lasting relationship - when compared to judgement soley based on physical appearance and sexual aptitude.
Theres a difference between romance and intimacy. Romance is about personality, and intimacy is about character. Romance is about the lure of surface chemistry, a superficial bond of lust between socialized self playing with somebody elses socialized self. In other words, everybody's got their party face on and is having a good time today, not thinking about tomorrow, thanks.
The problem is that this interlude of early infatutuation is not necessarily long-lasting. This period of attraction may span days to months, waning as a lack of a deeper match between personality / character fails to materialize, and the first tinges of boredom and criticism emerge, as one or both realize that their presumed main attraction is no as longer desirable as once thought.
Intimacy is about connecting beneath our pretty exterior, character-to-character. It's the slow unveiling and sharing of your inner self with someone elses real self - and that's a necessary starting point for a solid, long-lasting relationship. To make this transition takes trust and respect. You're not about to share facts about yourself, your past, your feelings....if that basis is not in place. Along with trust and respect, comes honor, that the person who is doing this telling is truthful in these inner revelations.
Trust, honor, respect. The three fundamental pillars of support for a long-term stable and rewarding relationship with a significant other (SO).
Say you've been in the dating game for a while, and you're tired of the more trivial dating intertudes that end in dissapointment. You're wanting to know of the positive character traits, and a few negative ones to help clue you in on those inner characteristics.
Answer the following questions honestly, and youll save yourself a lot of time by avoiding the wrong type of partner.
1. Is your date kind, respectful to others? Do you hear a lot of negativity in their comments and judgements of others? Are they hypercritical of others, do they complain about small, trivial issues? Remember also, while your date may be displaying signs of questionable ability to respect others, they may be socially stressed by the date itself, keep this in mind as you observe them.
2. Has your date confessed to immoral behavior: cheating, stealing, lying, inappropriate aggression? If so, how much reflection on this and desire to change has this person shown since then? Not all who morally transgress are bad people; they may have learned their lessons. However, it may also be an indicator of low self-esteem and a problem with extending trust and respect to others.
3. Does the person youre dating have any addictions: Drinking, gambling, shopping? Does he or she want to changeand is he or she working to make change happen? These addictions are signs of more pressing psychological issues with stress, and compulsive (OCD) disorders that may or maynot lapse into deeper problems of chronic depression and mental illness. These psychological issues are treatable, but they come with a steep price tag.
4. Does your date have a lot of lasting friendships or hardly any? This is the indicator of the presence of social support networks that are the hallmarks of a healthy ability to form long-lasting stable associations with others. There are caveats, personal situation that may explain exceptions...so once again, measure with a grain of salt...social interactions have changed dramatically with insular (segregating) adaptation to the Internet and the physical realities of frequent changes in location for job or family.
5. Does your date always tell stories about bad dynamics he or she experiences with other people? Or does he or she seem to get along easily, even swimmingly, with others? Again, these are indicators of the capacity for positive association with others, lack of overt criticism, arrogance, and tolerance. Where these traits are missing - watch out.
6. Does your date comment on stories or the experience of others with a sense of empathy and awareness, or is he or she low on expressing compassion for all that is going on in this world? In other words, is this person self absorbed and overly preoccupied with themselves? They may not be supportive, giving / sharing individuals as partners.
7. Have you witnessed your date doing small acts of kindness (leaving a very big tip for no apparent reason, helping someone with his or her shopping bags)? This is a sign of generosity, of "other directed behavior" that is important to a relationship, because they must be willing to make small personal sacrifices in the forming of long term intimate partnership. If they make a big deal out of these acts of generosity, pay attention. It maybe more for self-agrandizement than a true indicator of the ability to share and act spontaneously with kindness and compassion.
8. Does this person donate time, money and energy to good causes/charity? Are they active in community service? Do they donate their time to worthy causes? Same as above, another angle, this time a less spontaneous and more of a practice or habit. A telling sign of deeply instilled traits of habitual compassion, generosity, empathy and kindess. This is also a sign of social maturity and selflessness - both necessary for longterm relationship stability.
9. Does your date value self-growth and show this by being open to hearing your grievances, accepting responsibility for problems when merited, and sharing with you how much he or she values learning lessons in life? This is an important indicator of personal maleability...of adaptability to the changes in habits and preferences, the sharing of self, that must take place for two people to cohabit relatively peacefully, without constant strife or feelings of being manipulated or forced to change. Some change is inevitable. Feelings of loss of privacy and some control, especially for those past early adulthood are inevitable. How we react to these subtle and overt pressures to adapt to the needs of living, giving, and sharing as we settle into twosome life will determine our willingness to bend, relent and identify with a potentially contrary position of your SO when necessary, to avoid strife.
10. Does your date truly value open communication and know how to listen? When you're upset or need nurturing / support and empathy, does this person deal with the problem at the speed of life... or shut down / stonewall / attack / condescend? A relationship will survive -- not based on how well you get along --but by how well you dont get along - basic failure to identify with the position and feelings of others. A relationship bond is only as strong as the elasticity of give-and-take between two individual at their weakest and most trying moments together.
From this list, you may have surmised that there are also four negative character traits that may indicate personality and social issues that makes a potential candidate for SO unsuitable. They are:
defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt
As you evaluate your date for these attributes good and bad, consider also the signs that you youself project to others.
Like has a tendency to attract like, and form a stable relationship, once the luster of infatuation dulls and we begin to peer deeper, beneath the exterior self of a potential mate.
What we see, and how well we recognize these tell tale markers of a healthy stable personality - this is one of the important measures of our own ability to identify key interpersonal compatability and capacity for pair bonding within the many, many possible character combinations we may come across during our quest for a suitable mate.
Its a crap shoot. The odds are high - that without a set of descriminators, a rule set, you are going to fail.
