Twins

[mmafiter]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old
dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One
day he rented out his boat to a group of
out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all
day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day
and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his
brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up
a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there
mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your
loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said,
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her
bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old
dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad
crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she
smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn
fools tried to get in her all at one time and she
split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

 

[Tank316]

you're on a roll friend.

 

[mmafiter]

15 Things to do in Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner/significant other is taking his/her good sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares" ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, " NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

And last but not least:
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly...."Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

 

[mmafiter]

This once again confirms that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level.

Wisdom

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. And the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said,


"Son, don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your dick look smaller."

 

[CRASHMAN]

good stuff

 

[irontime]

Those were great, thanx man

 

[cornfed]

I'd like to shake yer hand bud... those were gr8

 

[ZECH]

I think you have done this at McDonalds!!!!!!!!

 

[CLPgold]

tee hee

 

[irontime]

Originally posted by mmafiter
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, " NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

I did that in the grocery story yesturday. Fuq was my girlfriend embarrassed, thanx for the idea bro.

 

[david]

Those were great!