Every now and then I get asked what I'd consider a "classic" question. I don't hear them very often but when I do, I see them as pure gold. Not too long ago I was asked a real doozy:
"Why do you guys want to be big?"
I was so excited about this one that I had to write a whole article in response to it. Listed below are some of the reasons why I feel we all like to get big.
27 Reasons to Be Big
1. I like having to think, "Is this really worth getting up for?" before doing anything.
2. I like having to roll off the bench press instead of sitting up.
3. I like the feeling of having my head filling with pressure, turning bright red and not being able to breathe. And this is just from tying my shoes. I find it best to take a big breath of air, drop as fast as I can and speed tie. I can usually get the job done in four to five reps.
4. I like the feeling of my belly on my upper thighs when I take a dump. Sometimes I even try to sit back further, fill my belly with air and blast away like I would a big squat.
5. I like feeling hot and sweaty when sitting in an air conditioned room with my shirt off and a fan blowing on me. This is how I spend most days at work!
6. I like taking an extra few minutes in my car to catch my breath from walking across the parking lot.
7. I like having to put my belt through my belt loops before I put on my pants. I remember how mad my friend Jim was one time at the airport when he was asked to remove his belt before going through the metal detector. He knew he had two choices. He could either go the rest of the day without his belt, or head to the restroom to take his pants back off and re-loop the belt. He waited until the next time he had to take a dump as it would just be too much of a pain to remove his pants for no reason.
8. I like waking up in the middle of the night with my hands numb. Gives me a chance to eat more food.
9. I like being asked things like:
"Do you lift weights?"
No, I look this way for no other reason.
"Are you a wrestler?"
Yeah, like I have the mobility to jump off the top rope!
10. I like the time I have to spend in business meetings trying to overcome the meathead image all the fat, out-of-shape business executives have of me.
11. I like the feeling I have of needing to take a shit all day long.
12. I like the lower back workout I get from walking across the room.
13. Cell phones are also a treat when you're big. You're sure to cut all conversations very short because you know your arm will get tired within the first two minutes. This is where the headsets are great, but these Shrek-like fingers make it hard to get the damn plug in the phone.
14. On that same note, I like having to retype just about every third word because my damn fingers keep hitting the wrong keys.
15. I like buying a new recliner every year because they all break down.
16. I like the feeling of jeans either smashing my nuts or falling off my ass.
17. I like coming up with excuses to avoid places like the zoo, amusement parks, fairs or any other place that involves a shitload of walking in hot weather. Yeah, let's all go to Disney World!
18. I love speed squat workouts where the only thing that's moving fast is my heart rate.
19. I love leaving work and finding that when I get to my car I forgot something and realize it isn't worth the 20 yards to walk back and get it. The only exception to this rule is when I forget my car keys and then have to stand there pissed at myself for a half hour before I walk back in and get them. I usually try using my cell phone to call in and have someone bring them out to me.
20. I love swimming and finding myself in the deep end where I can???t touch.
21. I always like it when I'm the passenger in a compact car. First you have a hell of a time getting into the car as it feels like you're doing a one-leg squat down to a shoe box. Then when you reach your destination you find you're curbside parked. You go to open the door and you hear the oh-so-familiar scratch of the car door on the curb. This sound runs down your spine like fingernails on a chalkboard.
You then look out the door and see that you're required to do the deepest one-leg squat in history to get out. The only way you'll be able to do this is to arch your back and press your feet into the floor as hard as you can to begin to lift yourself up in the seat as you would on a hack squat machine. If done correctly, you can gain up to six inches before you take the side lunge from hell to get out.
Once you're in the proper position you should be able to take the leap of faith to get out. If this wasn't bad enough, you always know that it's not over after the first step. You know there's a very good chance you'll end up losing your balance as you get out and end up taking a few awkward backward steps once you clear the door. The worst thing of all is knowing once you get out you'll have to find a way to get back in.
"Why do you guys want to be big?"
I was so excited about this one that I had to write a whole article in response to it. Listed below are some of the reasons why I feel we all like to get big.
27 Reasons to Be Big
1. I like having to think, "Is this really worth getting up for?" before doing anything.
2. I like having to roll off the bench press instead of sitting up.
3. I like the feeling of having my head filling with pressure, turning bright red and not being able to breathe. And this is just from tying my shoes. I find it best to take a big breath of air, drop as fast as I can and speed tie. I can usually get the job done in four to five reps.
4. I like the feeling of my belly on my upper thighs when I take a dump. Sometimes I even try to sit back further, fill my belly with air and blast away like I would a big squat.
5. I like feeling hot and sweaty when sitting in an air conditioned room with my shirt off and a fan blowing on me. This is how I spend most days at work!
6. I like taking an extra few minutes in my car to catch my breath from walking across the parking lot.
7. I like having to put my belt through my belt loops before I put on my pants. I remember how mad my friend Jim was one time at the airport when he was asked to remove his belt before going through the metal detector. He knew he had two choices. He could either go the rest of the day without his belt, or head to the restroom to take his pants back off and re-loop the belt. He waited until the next time he had to take a dump as it would just be too much of a pain to remove his pants for no reason.
8. I like waking up in the middle of the night with my hands numb. Gives me a chance to eat more food.
9. I like being asked things like:
"Do you lift weights?"
No, I look this way for no other reason.
"Are you a wrestler?"
Yeah, like I have the mobility to jump off the top rope!
10. I like the time I have to spend in business meetings trying to overcome the meathead image all the fat, out-of-shape business executives have of me.
11. I like the feeling I have of needing to take a shit all day long.
12. I like the lower back workout I get from walking across the room.
13. Cell phones are also a treat when you're big. You're sure to cut all conversations very short because you know your arm will get tired within the first two minutes. This is where the headsets are great, but these Shrek-like fingers make it hard to get the damn plug in the phone.
14. On that same note, I like having to retype just about every third word because my damn fingers keep hitting the wrong keys.
15. I like buying a new recliner every year because they all break down.
16. I like the feeling of jeans either smashing my nuts or falling off my ass.
17. I like coming up with excuses to avoid places like the zoo, amusement parks, fairs or any other place that involves a shitload of walking in hot weather. Yeah, let's all go to Disney World!
18. I love speed squat workouts where the only thing that's moving fast is my heart rate.
19. I love leaving work and finding that when I get to my car I forgot something and realize it isn't worth the 20 yards to walk back and get it. The only exception to this rule is when I forget my car keys and then have to stand there pissed at myself for a half hour before I walk back in and get them. I usually try using my cell phone to call in and have someone bring them out to me.
20. I love swimming and finding myself in the deep end where I can???t touch.
21. I always like it when I'm the passenger in a compact car. First you have a hell of a time getting into the car as it feels like you're doing a one-leg squat down to a shoe box. Then when you reach your destination you find you're curbside parked. You go to open the door and you hear the oh-so-familiar scratch of the car door on the curb. This sound runs down your spine like fingernails on a chalkboard.
You then look out the door and see that you're required to do the deepest one-leg squat in history to get out. The only way you'll be able to do this is to arch your back and press your feet into the floor as hard as you can to begin to lift yourself up in the seat as you would on a hack squat machine. If done correctly, you can gain up to six inches before you take the side lunge from hell to get out.
Once you're in the proper position you should be able to take the leap of faith to get out. If this wasn't bad enough, you always know that it's not over after the first step. You know there's a very good chance you'll end up losing your balance as you get out and end up taking a few awkward backward steps once you clear the door. The worst thing of all is knowing once you get out you'll have to find a way to get back in.
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