Arnold Schwarzenegger's Bodybuilding Tips

[ASchwarzenegger]

Hello all you noodle kegs,

This shall be my thread of revealing my secret training tips, because as I'm getting old and senile I may not recall everyting precisely.

Here is some tips on how to work out when your not around a gym. When I was shooting the movie Twins, I did not have time to go to any gym. So I improvisied by using Danny Devito as a barbell curl. He got mad sometimes when I started to bench press his bed while he was sleeping in it.

Also I took my morning nude dip in the nearby pond when I saw a pervert taking pictures of me. So I did a cardiovascular workout punching his stomach until he shit out the fat from his keg.

Also in 1984 on the set of Preditor I looked over at Carl Weathers and said "Why do you have 8 foot long arms?" he then replied "Why do you have an 8 foot chest?" HAHAHA, we bothed laughed for 5 hours after that.

When I was training in 1980 for a body building contest I started to flex my huge calves in the mirror, I turned to Franco and said " How do you like my huge calves?" Franco just stared at my legs with a sad face because he knew he only had noodle legs, and he knew the only reason he was in a body building competition is because hes a giant leach on my ass. Thats why I cut him off of Austrian steroids, and hes turned into a fat noodle keg.

Here are some photos for your collection.

Mee a age 12

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Me one day after taking Austrian brand steroids.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is the best routine I know of for building titanium glutes.

1st Set: Squat 1000lbs x 50reps x 50sets



Here is another secret Arnold Schwarzenegger story that happened to me on the set of Predator in 1986. I was standing next to Jessie Ventura and during a scene I turned to him and asked him "Why do you have a 300lbs body with no cut and chicken legs?" He then examined my body with a sad face because he knew he had a huge keg that overlaped his belt. Then later that night I was bench pressing an 800lbs tiger carcass I found in the jungle in my tent when I noticed Jessie Ventura peeking in my tent with his huge chin. He was taking notes of my perfect form, so all of a sudden I picked up the tiger carcass over my head and screamed "GEET OOOOOOUUUUUTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!" and whipped the tiger carcass at him but he blocked it with his huge chin.

Here is a picture of Jesse Ventura balancing awkwardly on his noodle legs.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is another of his gigantic keg flapping around in the ring.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is the most revealing secret of all. On the set of Commando I was shooting the scene where I was hiding in the shed. I jumped out, accidenly tripped and flung a saw blade at the director's neck, cutting his head clean off. I then said with a plain face, "That's not a way to get ahead in life." Everyone laughed. But unfortunetley that scene was deleted for some reason.

In Jingle All the Way I had to do a fight scene with the Big Show. I said angerly to the Big Show "Big Show?, more like Keg Show!" I then started to dance around him mockingly singing his theme music, "Well its the Keg Show!, yes its a huge keg of fat tonight!" He then attempted to punch me with his fat fist 1mph, so I blocked it with my pectorial and picked up a huge candy cane and punched it through his gut.


Here's my most secret story of all, I was posting messages on a body building website one time when the fat kids on it did not believe it was acually Arnold Schwarzenegger. So one day
I appeared naked at the foot of one of their bed's. They awoke with a shocked fat baby face at the site of my enormous muscles. I picked up a their monitor that was in their room and smashed it into their horrified face. I then placed their mouse into my mouth and then spit it like a bullet, piercing their soft skin, making that person stick into the wall. "Stick around". I said as I made a protien shake with all of their food and supplements in the kitchen and left.

Atay tuned for many more of my body building tips and life stories.

 

[Stickboy]

 

[MaxMirkin]

Ok Var, identify this.

 

[Var]

Oh Jesus...

 

[Var]

...and

 

[Arnold]

interesting thread...I guess it's kind of funny, but I am an Arnold fan.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a bicep routine that you should do if you want to have mountainis peaks like mine.

1st set: super set 300lb concentration curls with 550lb close grip bench press. Do 25 sets of these.

Here is a true story that will inspire you to be a body builder.

When I was 7 years old in Austria, I was sitting at the table with my father for breakfast. He flexed his arm and said to me "How do you like my huge biceps son?" I replied with a plain face by saying "They are very mountainis peaks. But why do you only train your arms and nothing else daddy?" My father laughed and said, "Because I am not a big fat body builder son." I then replied "One day I am going to be the greatest body builder of all time and move to America to become the greatest action hero movie star of all time." My father looked at me and laughed and said "Better start traning those 18" baby biceps and 4 foot baby chest son." But how could I do this, I was seven and I only had a 4 foot chest and 18" biceps? My fathers 10 foot chest and huge arms intimidated me. My father then slammed a container of Austrain Steroids on the table and screamed at me "EAT THIS SON!" So after that I made sure to poor a huge bowl of Austrian steroids for breakfast every day. We then got ready to go to the local gym. As my father left the kitchen and stuggled to fit his 10 foot chest out the front door I quickly finished my steroids and felt the instant energy boost. I then strapped my family on to my back as I normally did every morning, but this time I felt stronger so I decided to run even faster than before. It only took me 2 hours to run up the 10 mile mountain to the gym with my family on my back. Hahaha. Thats how I turned my 4 foot baby chest and 18" noodle biceps when I was 7 into my 8 foot chest and huge arms today.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

I shall now reveal to you my secret body building diet I used in 1975 while preparing for a body building competition. I warn you not to try my ultimate gigantic muscle diet.

Here is a true story why not.

One morning my training partner Franco Columbu and I were headed down to the gym only to find out that it was closed down for renovations. So I said to Franco, "Hey Franco, let's go back to your place so I can pump up my huge muscles." Franco said, "But how Mr. Schwarzenegger, I do not have any equipment there." So I said, "Do not worry, I will show you how to train your baby muscles even when you do not have equipment." So when we arrived at Franco's little baby apartment, I changed into my work-out clothes and then performed my ritual pre-workout 60 minute Austrian howling, shaking the entire building, and causing everyone to scream in fear. I then raised Franco's sofa over my head and began to perform military presses. On my 20th set I accidently smashed it through his ceiling, causing the above apartment to come crumbling down on top of us, and destroying everything in Franco's apartment. I then picked up two huge 100lbs pieces of cement in my gigantic hands and performed 20 sets of lateral raises. Then to finish my workout I went down outside and deadlifted the entire building over onto Franco's car. I said to Franco, "Now that's what I call smashing good fun." At my house I opened up my 20 foot fridge and put the ingredients into my huge blender, and then gave it to Franco. He asked me, "What's in it." I said, "My personal post-workout mix." After taking a drink of it Franco's stomach immediately exploded because his baby stomach was unable to handle it. The ingredients are listed below in my post-workout shake.

Here is a picture of Franco's car which he only used to drive to the gym

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Meal 1:
20 Raw Eggs
2 Loaves of Bread
1 Bowl of Austrian Brand Steroids + 4 Litres of Milk
1 Apple
1 Ostrich

Post-Workout Shake:
1 Bottle Austrian Brand Steroids
10 Scoops of Protien Powder
25 Gallons of Milk

Meal 2:
1 Buffalo Head
5 liters Oatmeal

Meal 3:
20 Chickens
10 Baked Potatoes + Sour Cream
1 liter of milk

Meal 4:
1 Cow Leg
10lbs of Raw Salad
25 Bananas

Meal 5:
5 Live Salmon (Swallow Whole)
5lbs Peanut Butter
1 Coconut

Meal 6:
1 10lbs Austrian Peanut



This is what I ate on an average day. Do not try this or your baby stomachs will explode.

 

[Var]

Its almost like he doesnt even see our posts.

 

[Arnold]

Meal 1:
20 Raw Eggs
2 Loaves of Bread
1 Bowl of Austrian Brand Steroids + 4 Litres of Milk
1 Apple
1 Ostrich

Post-Workout Shake:
1 Bottle Austrian Brand Steroids
10 Scoops of Protien Powder
25 Gallons of Milk

Meal 2:
1 Buffalo Head
5 liters Oatmeal

Meal 3:
20 Chickens
10 Baked Potatoes + Sour Cream
1 liter of milk

Meal 4:
1 Cow Leg
10lbs of Raw Salad
25 Bananas

Meal 5:
5 Live Salmon (Swallow Whole)
5lbs Peanut Butter
1 Coconut

Meal 6:
1 10lbs Austrian Peanut



This is what I ate on an average day. Do not try this or your baby stomachs will explode.

LMAO, now that was pretty funny.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is another true story that will inspire you to become a body builder.

While I was training for the Mr. Olympia in 1975 I noticed that when I wore my magic sunglasses I could bench press 1000lbs. You can purchase them from me for 80 million dollars.

Here is a picture of me bench pressing with my magic sunglasses.

 

[Arnold]

classic pic!

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is another true story.

While I was training in 1980 I was surrounded in the gym by noodle arms, constantly talking to each other about their baby routines. It got so loud I couldn't concentrate, so I stood in the middle of the gym and let out a huge Austrian roar, "SSSSHHHUUUUUUUTTTT UUUUUPPPP!!!!" Which shattered all the mirrors around me causing everyone to run out of the gym, so I could have the place to myself. But there was one fat keg using my favorite 200lbs dumbell, struggling to do deadlifts with it for some reason. So I simply came up and stared at him with an enraged face until he left. I then whipped a 45lbs plate like a frizbee at the back of his head as he left, 100 feet across the gym, that snapped his neck forward into his chest. I then said, "He'll never be the head of a major corporation." And continued to do 200lbs pinky curls with my favorite dumbell.

Here is another secret story of my life.

One time I was walking around the gym smoking a huge cigar. I walked up to Franco Columbu as he was doing squats and said, "This smoke represents how pathetic you are." And I blew smoke from my giant cigar into his fat ugly face, and put it out on his baby chest. I then kicked the back of his legs and he then collapsed under the weight. I then said, "If you can't handle the pressure how the hell do you expect to win a body building competition?" I then cracked up a huge keg of beer in my hands like a can of pop, and poured it down his throat with a funnel, with some protien powder.



Another story of when Franco and I where 10 years old, and at steroid band camp.

I noticed Franco playing with a baby flute. So I said, "Why are you playing with a baby flute? You must play a huge tuba like me." And I blew the tuba in his face, sending him flying 50 feet off a cliff.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a true story.

While I was training in the gym one day, Franco Columbu was following me around constantly asking questions about everything I did, with a little baby notepad. It got so annoying so I loaded a bar with weight to do barbell curls, after my last rep I yelled "SHHHHUUUTTTT UPPPP!!" and through the bar at Franco, as he grabbed it in his baby hands, I came up and broke his neck. Luckily for him it was only a fracture.

Here is another true story when I first came to America, which will inspire you to grow gigantic lats like me.

I was on a plane, and they didn't have enough protien. So I asked the stuardess for more peanuts, because the peanuts were too small. But she said they didn't have any left because I ate all of them. So I started to scream, "GIVE ME SOME PEANUTS!!! GET ME SOME PROTIEN!!" Everyone started crying. I took huge Austrian stomps towards the back of the plane and started eating everyone's food. I then noticed a mother breast feeding her baby on the other side of the plane. So I ran towards them with a happy face screaming, "AAAAHHH!!!" I picked up the baby and said move aside baby cheeks. I grabbed and squeezed the milk out of her like a hose into my mouth. I then began searching the plane for more protien. I noticed people's pets locked up in cages in the storage area. I saw a squirrel in a cage eating a peanut. "THIS IS MINE NOW!" I attempted to grab the peanut from the squirrel but it escaped towards the cockpit, I chased it down while stomping, jiggling the plane, and started smashing all the controls trying to capture the squirrel. The plane started flying around out of control, so I jumped out of the plane and used my huge lats as a cape and glided down to safety.


Here is another true story of my first time working out in an american gym.

While I was about to bench press 1000lbs, I noticed my magic sunglasses were stolen. I noticed Franco in the corner using them. So I stood up, and floated towards him 100mph screaming, "GIVE ME BACK MY SUNGLASSES!!!" He was staring at me with the most horrified face. All of a sudden everything turned red. And I levitated 10 feet into the air, pointed at him and said, "YOU!" And continued to float towards him with an enraged face, then pinched his cheek. "Phew..." Said Franco. "HHHIIIIIIYYYYYAAAA!!!!!!!!" I screamed as I punched a hole through the wall 1/2 from his head, and grabbed the sunglasses from his hand. "NEXT TIME ASK IF YOU WANT TO USE THEM!" Then a security guard came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder, "Excuse me." "EEGGNNNNAAAGH!" I screamed as I turned around and punched off his head.

Another time, I arrived at the gym too late, and it was locked. I was extremely mad. I started shaking the doors off their hinges screaming, "LET ME IN!!" I then just simply flexed my pectorial, smashing the doors open.

 

[myCATpowerlifts]

omfg

all of these are fuqing hilarious!

 

[pmech]

The diet one was good

 

[PreMier]

Oh jeez.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a new true story that will inspire you to become an actor like me.

During the movie Twins, I was studying the noodle keg habits of Danny DeVito, secretly following him around. He would get up in the morning, eat a bag of chips, then go back to bed. So one day while filming I asked him, "Don't you care that you have a giant keg?" He responded, "No." And took a bite of a huge Klondike bar. The next day we filmed the scene where I was to deadlift the car. But the secret is that I was actually deadlifting Danny DeVito's keg.

Here is a picture of Danny DeVito trying to balance with his huge keg.

 

[P-funk]

this is by far the best thread i have ever seen.

 

[rule62]

It is so cool that Arnold has joined IM! I would have thought he was too busy now that he is Governer of California. I love that bench pic with the "magic" sunglasses.

 

[Vital Signs]

I've been waiting 27 years for my magic sunglasses to arrive. I still have $79,973,000 left to pay on my loan!

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

This is another secret story of my life.


Once, In 1973, I got in a fight with Bruce Lee. I simply stood there as he attacked me for 25 minutes and was unable to penatrate my massive muscle tissue. He attempted to kick me in the groin but his foot got stuck between my massive thighs. I squeezed my thighs together, breaking his leg and then I simply blew him away with a massive scream, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!".


Here is a story on how important sleep is.

One morning at 5am, I was sleeping, and a fat bird woke me up with it's constant fat cheeping for 30mins. So the next morning I was prepared, and waited with a huge shotgun, and when it landed on my windowsill and started to cheep with it's fat face, I had a change of heart as I noticed it's bird legs. So I started to train it with little birdy aerobics, and called him Tweety, and invited him into the gym with me. One time I gave the bird to Franco to hold onto in the gym, and it was contstantly cheeping in his ear while he was doing squats. He got so annoyed he let it go, I screamed at him to find Tweety. We searched the city all day, until I finally noticed it pearched 20 feet on top of a statue. Then I said, "Come here my little friend." And I inhaled him towards me with my giant lung. And accidently swallowed it.

 

[Vital Signs]

Totally ignored my post! $80 million bucks down the drain (in his pocket),... probably spent keeping his feet pampered. I at least deserve a life-time supply of Austrian Steroids..!

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a true story about my quest for an Ostrich egg.

One morning, I noticed I was out of Ostrich eggs. So I went to my backyard farm to get some, but Franco had stolen my flock of Ostriches. So I travelled out to the country to find an Ostrich, I finally found one, guarding an egg. I couldn't go up and take it, because I would have got cut by it's huge Ostrich claw. So I dressed up as an Ostrich and started walking towards it. The ostrich caught a glimpse of my giant steroid legs poking out of my costume, and was afraid because it knew it only had noodle bird legs. I stood up and started flapping my huge Ostrich wings and screamed, "GIVE ME THE DAMN EGG!!!!!!" The wind from my flaps flew the bird away into the sky. I then cracked open the gigantic egg and drank a half underdevolped baby ostrich.

When I came back to my ranch, I noticed the World Wildlife Fund had found out about my farm, and had confiscated all of my animals. I could no longer eat my precious silver back gorilla meat. And they had taken my only living dodo, which lays me it's precious egg every morning. Then I noticed my pet bird Tweety's cage was empty, they had taken him. "NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!! TWEEEEEETTYYYYY!!!!" But I then noticed he was only at the bottom of the cage taking a dump.

 

[Var]

This guys starting to give me a DERELICTE/ASSPUNCTURE vibe.