Arnold Schwarzenegger's Bodybuilding Tips

[PreMier]

Beat ya to it. See post #22

 

[Var]

Dude, post 22 says "oh jeez". You didnt beat me to shit!

 

[SPIKE1257]

Here's a true story... This thread sucks.. I'm not laughing.. At least write something funny.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here are some more photos from my personal photo album.

Here is a picture of me very happy to receive my 8th grade equivalency diploma at age 53.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a picture of me before I sliced off Lou Ferrigno's head.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

One day I ate pure yogurt, and this is a picture of me uncontrollibly taking a huge yogurt shit while doing reverse preacher curls.

 

[Vital Signs]

your gettin' a little stretched and flabby underneath the chin there, dude. My Mother looked better at 53. And I want my $80 million f*cking bucks back!

 

[Var]

One day I ate pure yogurt, and this is a picture of me uncontrollibly taking a huge yogurt shit while doing reverse preacher curls.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

your gettin' a little stretched and flabby underneath the chin there, dude. My Mother looked better at 53. And I want my $80 million f*cking bucks back!

That was a pic of my twin brother Barnold who did a stand in for me. I was unavailable at the time for photo pic.

 

[Var]

DEREPUNCTURE...you're one funny bastard!

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

One time I wanted to demonstrate the power of my buttocks. But did not know how. At first, I cracked walnuts between my titanium ass cheeks, but that was too easy. So I looked for something harder to crack. So I picked up a 45lbs plate, and cracked it in half. I then searched the city for something harder to crack. I then noticed a telephone pole, and cracked it like a baby twig. I then walked into a steel factory and picked up a huge piece of titanium steel and cracked it while screaming as loud as I could. I noticed my buttocks got an excellent workout from this. I then stood next to a cement wall and began to punch it down with my ass cheeks. But later that night I had a problem, I had to take a huge crap, but my rock hard gigantic buttocks were fused together because of it's muscularity. I did the splits to attempt to spread them, but that just made them tighter for some reason. So I took a laxative, but it did not work, and I did not shit that day. The next day I was doing the abdominator, and I felt a cramp in my powerful stomach. I just ignored it and began to flex my ass in the mirror. I flexed so hard I ripped a hole straight through my pants. Then all of a sudden I could not hold in my cramps, then uncontrobly liquid shit began to leak from my rock hard ass like water struggling to get out of a mountain crack, and it sprayed out in such a fine line, it was like a laser cutting everything it was aimed at.

 

[maniclion]

Just because the glue say's non-toxic doesn't warrant eating your whole kindergarten classes year supply.

 

[Erik]

I was thinking that halfway through skimming the thread.
You have to admit the DIET was funny

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a story to motivate your nutritional habits.

I opened my huge fridge to notice it was empty except for a jar of huge pickles. So I decided to go for my daily groceries. It was a sunny day out, so I decided to run naked down the street, propelling myself 100mph each step with my gigantic legs. I stopped to smell a tulip, and accidently inhaled a bee. I sneezed the bee, like a bullet into a someone's huge keg, popping it like a balloon. When I got to the grocery store, it was locked and I started screaming, "LET ME IN!!!!" while shaking the doors off their hinges. The fat narc security guard beside me started to shit his pants. I then simply walked and smashed through the doors with my 8 foot chest. I loaded my daily 8 shopping cart load, and left a shiny penny on the counter.

 

[maniclion]

Meal 1:
20 Raw Eggs
2 Loaves of Bread
1 Bowl of Austrian Brand Steroids + 4 Litres of Milk
1 Apple
1 Ostrich

Post-Workout Shake:
1 Bottle Austrian Brand Steroids
10 Scoops of Protien Powder
25 Gallons of Milk

Meal 2:
1 Buffalo Head
5 liters Oatmeal

Meal 3:
20 Chickens
10 Baked Potatoes + Sour Cream
1 liter of milk

Meal 4:
1 Cow Leg
10lbs of Raw Salad
25 Bananas

Meal 5:
5 Live Salmon (Swallow Whole)
5lbs Peanut Butter
1 Coconut

Meal 6:
1 10lbs Austrian Peanut



This is what I ate on an average day. Do not try this or your baby stomachs will explode.

Even if my stomach could handle it I think my sphincter would snap like a blower belt in a dragster with Sgt. Bilko's Motor Pool as the Pit Crew.

 

[kvyd]

Can we get an IP check here and see who this fucker is?

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a true story.

After my work-out I was doing my Austrian mediation, which requires complete silence for 2 hours. I was very irratated by a fat man on a stairmaster breathing through his fat nostrils with his fat lungs. So I screamed, "SSHHHHHUUUTTT UUUUUUUUPPP!!!" He couldn't here me because of his fat headphones playing his baby music. So all of a sudden I stompted towards him with an enraged face and picked up the stairmaster with him on it and through it outside into a dumptruck driving by.

The next day as I was meditating again, a fat beaver head was chewing gum with his giant beaver teeth while writing in his baby journal. So I simply rippped off his head and replaced it with a picture of my face.

 

[Luke9583]

If it were Ass-man, he'd have pics in his gallery.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

After that I then noticed Danny DeVito struggling to do 1 sit-up in the corner with an enraged face. I then flew towards him. He got up all out of breath from struggling to do 1-sit up and took a bite of a huge klondike bar and washed it down with a chocolate milkshake, and said, "Whew, what a work-out!" I then clenched his gut with my huge hand. "Ow." He said with a plain face. I then squeezed his stomach like play-doe coming out between my fingers and said, "Can I use some of this fat to add mass to my pectorial muscles?" He then replied, "No, I need my keg." As he was leaving the gym something fell out of his shorts, it was a vibrating dildo. But I did not know what it was at the time and used it to stir Franco's post-workout shake and said, "Hey Franco, look at this schmancy mancy stick." Then all of a sudden a whipped out my huge magnum and screamed, "ENEEEEA!!!" and shot a burgler stealing my 2.5lbs plate with a huge buckshot to the head across the gym. I then said, "That's gotta hurt." Then all of a sudden he floated back up with uncontrollable body twitching, and everyone was screaming, "Save us Arnold!!". So I picked up a barbell and whipped it through his chest like a harpoon.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

One time I met Sylvester Stallone in a secret celebrity gym in Hollywood. I examined his baby body with a disgusted face. He looked at me with a plain face, then all of a sudden my face morphed into his face and I said, "You wish this was your body." And began to flex and said, "You would have died if I was Ivan Draco and I punched you with my giant arm." He looked at me and mumbled something and left. I then whipped a 45lbs plate at the back of his head, but his iron head blocked it. Because on Rocky he absorbed 85 million punches to the head.

 

[Vital Signs]

Can we get an IP check here and see who this fucker is?

Hey dude,... this is the real deal..! The Zeus of all body builders! The icon of steroid abusers!

Hey, Arnie,... did you ever make any porn flicks..??? I would love to see a few stills of you hammering Vanessa..!

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a true story.

One time I noticed Franco doing baby squats of 500lbs. So I walked over to him and said, "Why are you doing baby squats? You must do squats like me." And loaded 1000lbs onto the bar and began to squat. On my way back up I exhaled so hard I blew all the equipment and people randomly around in the gym. Then inhaled on the way down and sucked everyone towards me. This continued for 20 reps, creating a tornado. Franco got caught in the eye of the tornado, clenching onto a 200lbs dumbell.


One time I noticed Franco Columbu had been stealing scoops from my protein powder. So to get back at him one night I broke into his house, kicked open his bedroom door with a huge shotgun and screamed, "HHHHIIIIYYYEAAA!" And shot him in his horriefied face. Luckily for him it was only a paint-ball gun.

Another time late at night, there was a thunderstorm. So I went over to Jay Cutler's house, when lightning struck he could see me peaking into his room with an enraged face. When he thought I left I broke into his house and clogged his toilet with my huge elephant shit. I also replaced his apple juice with my urine, and replaced his steroids with poison.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a true story.

One time I invited Tweety into the mall with me. I wanted to buy him a little birdy aerobic outfit. I went into foot locker and asked them. "What the hell...we don't have that." So I started to scream, "GET TWEETY'S DAMN OUTFIT!!!" And started to rip off random people's clothes to contruct a perfect miniature addidas outfit, complete with headbands, earphones, shoes, and bird leash. So I could never lose him like before and accidently swallow him again.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

One time I was headed for a body building competion. I ran out on stage beacause I was late and began to scream and pose. I then realised that I was standing in the middle of a children's spelling B competion. I laughed out loud and said to a fat sweaty brat who was about to spell a word in the microphone, "Spell this!" And flexed my huge arms towards him. I breathed in a deep breath while I flexed and sucked him towards me, then exhaled and blew him off the stage.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is why I made the film Junior.

One day at the gym I noticed Danny DeVito's keg bouncing around as he was struggling to walk on a treadmill 1mph. So I walked over and said, "I wonder what it's like to have a huge keg?" and ripped off his shirt and examined his keg. I began to jiggle it, and test it. To see how long it takes to stop jiggling. He then said, "What are you doing?" I then said, "We should do a movie called Junior where I have a huge keg." "Ok." He said with a plain face then took a bite of a huge Big Mac.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is one of the transcripts during my audition for the role of Chewbacca.

I walked into the room naked except for wearing a Chewbacca mask and screamed, "RRRGGGAAAAHHHH!!"I then noticed George Lucas had a huge keg and walked over to him and said, "You should work-out more." And poked his keg. He said, "The only work-out I do is this." And took a bite of a huge Star Wars chocolate bar. The next day I came back for the role of Darth Vader. I got dressed up in costume and began my role. I said, "Luke, I am your fa-. EEEENNNNNEEAAA!!!" As I whipped out my huge magnum and shot a random noodle keg in the corner eating a donut. Then said, "Can I do this in the movie?" George Lucas said, "No. Get out." On my way out I whipped out a real lightsaber and chucked it like a boomerang towards George Lucas. But he blocked it with his force powers and floated out of the building while surrounded in a protective bubble.

 

[ASchwarzenegger]

Here is a story that will inspire you to become a body builder.

One time at the gym, Franco decided to leave early and did not want to spot me. I looked around the gym and could not find him. I then noticed him peaking across the gym at me with a horrified face as he left through the back entrance. I then started to run across the gym after him, taking giant stomps with a plain face. I chased him into the parking lot and jumped onto the hood of his car as he was backing out. I then smashed my face through the windshield and said, "Get out." with a plain face. "Holy Shit! Whatever you want! Just don't hurt me!" He exclaimed. I replied in a very low tone, "Aaaaaaah." He said, "What the fuck's your problem!?" I then smashed my fist through Franco's driver's side window and pulled him out, holding him in the air by his throat. I said, "I need you to spot my benchpress for one set." And through him into the gym. While he was flying across the parking lot his shorts got caught on a car antennae causing him to all of a sudden smash into the gym naked. But when I got back into the gym, he was not there. He had escaped again. So I ran out 200mph to his house with my huge legs and knocked on his door. He opened it a crack with the chain lock on. I then asked, "Franco Columbu?" He said, "Yes?" I then slammed open the door with an enraged face, pulled out my magnum while walking towards him aimed at his face. He then shit his pants at the site of my huge magnum with the most horrified baby face you can imagine. I then shot around his head 100mph with my huge 85 round clip.



Because Franco's Columbu's baby frame is specifically designed for deadlifting. If I had 2 foot legs I could deadlift a lot more too. My huge long legs makes it more difficult.



One time I was auditioning for the role of The Hulk. They painted me green and I flexed my huge muscles. But they said my muscles were too big for the role, because The Hulk only had a 5 foot chest, and that it would take too long to paint my huge 8 foot chest.


One time I was celebrating after a Mr. Olympia by smoking a joint. I offered it to Franco Columbu but he refused, "No." With a huge narc mustache for some reason. "What's you problem?" He then pulled out his huge cell phone began to dial 911. I then kicked him in the nuts causing him to open his mouth screaming, and shoved the joint down his throat with my huge finger.

 

[MaxMirkin]

Dude, post 22 says "oh jeez". You didnt beat me to shit!

You're both slow, I figured it was him from post #1. That's why I asked what you thought, Sherlock. (Since you're so intimately acquainted with him. )

 

[Var]

You're both slow, I figured it was him from post #1. That's why I asked what you thought, Sherlock. (Since you're so intimately acquainted with him. )

I thought it was him from post #1, too...just didnt want to interfere. My deductive skills intimidate him...hindering the comedy.

 

[Dale Mabry]

I thought it was him from post #1,

Well, there is only one sure way for you to tell, eh Var?


Oh, btw, did you see the setlists for the DMB gorge download?