Thanks JoeCamp
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
Dear Diary,
So it's weird how things happen and how things work out. Yesterday I called and left 3 messages between 4:00pm and 5:30pm. I checked my home and my cell for return calls but nothing. I was heading to the gym and then realized what an asshole I would be if I went to the gym instead of her place to check up on her. My "male" way of thinking maybe she was testing me. By the time I got to her building I realized I was getting mad.. temper was building up but really not sure why. I wasn't so much mad at her really, I don't think. Maybe I was mad at myself for allowing all this to happen to begin with.
I noticed her truck was there so I knew she was home. I knocked on the door and her roommate answered and said she's on the patio. So first I was relieved that she was okay (physically) and my temper that was building calmed down. I walked outside and stood there with my sunglasses on so she couldn't see my eyes. She was a little defensive about me being there and didn't say too much. I in turn had nothing to say other than, what I had to say I said in my messages to you but since you haven't heard them oh well. I got an attitude going. I didn't want to but I did. I was pissed that she had no idea what I had said or how I felt. So I left.
I went to the gym. Did 2 warm ups sets of leg press, then 3 working sets and then left. Meand the gym have to be in sync and if there is something between us we just don't work together very well.
Oh I did check my messages when I got to the gym. She called my home phone and cell phone and left several messages. These messages should have made everything allright but for some reason they just fueled my anger, which is why my workout didn't last.
On the way home I kept thinking about a lot of things that go on in life and everything seems so silly and stupid. Life shouldn't be this difficult. We should be happy 99% of the time and that 1% is when we greive over a death. There really isn't a reason for all this and dammit I'm going to remember that! So things don't go as planned... smile and make new plans. Someone says something to offend you, smile and say thank you I will try to correct that problem. yeah I know easier than said...
I get home and figit.. do laundry.. got on here for a little bit. Mochy sweetie I am so sorry for that rather unfriendly PM.. can I please take that back and try again????
I stewed. Reflecting on what happened over the past few days. What I want. What she wants. Life. All of it. I finally called her back. I let her do the talking as she asked me not to say anything. After sometime I understood what she was telling me. She wanted to get her life back to where it was so she could find the Amanda I fell in love with. This meant she was putting me on hold??? Huh never had that happened before. Not trying to mean or anything I said okay so call me when you are ready. What else was I supposed to say??? The call eventually ended and she asked if she could call me later. I told her she can call me anytime she needs to, I'm always here for you.
She called. Asked if I would come over and I did. We didn't talk much about us. We held hands. We cuddled and we fell asleep. It was a nice evening. It was??? I don't know near perfect a way to spend time with someone you truly care about.
I'm happy today. I like that. I like that a lot.
....oops DAMN wrong smiley! Hey this is the one I was looking for
) ugly side. I have even thought this is sooo not worth it...I am out of here. Then I get my head cleared and I really do love him...despite his wicked ways LMAO. 
Anyway. Hope all is well.
