How to deal with jealousy?

[dantbfan713]

Im sure, well I feel like I know, this is a very common issue in relationships. I get told all the time, jealousy can easily ruin a relationship.

Well ive been with my girlfriend for 15 months and I still get super jealous all the time. I know sometimes its normal to be jealous, but I have trouble controlling it and I take it out on her (never physical hitting ofcourse, but just arguing, and a lot of threatning of breaking up.) I know its not good and im trying to control it, but its just so hard for me.

I love her to death, but things seem to keep reappearing. First 7 months ago I peeked on her phone while she was taking a shower and found she was talking with an exboyfriend somewhat late at night (10/11 pm) and I absolutly flipped and after a short break up we got back together. She deleted him off her phone and said she wont ever do that again, and since then I have checked her phone twice and pretty much everything was deleted, so clearly shes deleting this stuff pretty regularly, which with my dumbass thinking, makes me believe there is stuff going on.

then about 4 months ago, she said a co worker asked her out and she told him, no she has a boyfriend. That same say she told me and I was like alright well thats good and hopefully she gets left alone by him now. Then after prying and prying because I sensed it wasnt over I found out he asked her out again, and according to her was a complete asshole, party type guy and slipped her his number and told her to forget about me and come out with him and his friends one night. Ofcourse she skipped it, and claimed she tossed out his number. So im thinking everything is going fine and a few days later out of the blue she says she wants to confess because she doesnt feel right holding it inside, that she told him that maybe they could get lunch one day if they have the same lunch together but thats it never anything after work and again I flipped out. but she said that she just said that and that she never would have actually gone. So again im like ok whatever, still thinking the worst as shes promising nothing it going on anymore. This went away right after that and has never been brought up again.

Now, this is probably harmless, but me being me, I cant help but have that nervious feeling in the pit of my stomach. So last week I found her password for her myspace thingy, and checked her inbox the other night and she emailed some old guy friend from high school and was just saying whats up, and had nothing bad at all. Then his reply was they should do something this summer, and her reply was yea and that they definatly should do something before summer ends and she'll call him next time shes in the city (she lives in the suburbs now) so now she doesnt know I know this, but even though there are no signs of anything wrong or anything other than 2 old friends catching back up, I have this bad, sick feeling inside thats eating away at me.

Yes maybe this or any of it isnt a big deal and maybe they'll just grab something to eat, maybe they'll go out with a group of old friends, I dont know but it has me ragining like im a wounded animal ready to snap at anyone or anything and this is not the way to live. I really dont want to break up with her though because when there is none of this and we spend time together (which is quite a bit) I have a great time and im never happier.

So im asking and begging what can I do to control jealousy and to not get so worked up over everything including the little things?

ive tried talking to her about this, but shes just cries and tells me shed never cheat and that she hates that I think the worst all the time and that shed never leave me. Then I end up feeling horrible and love her even more, but then as soon as a situation arrives I get that feeling inside like im being stabbed even though more than likly nothing could be happening.

I know I must sound like an absolute asshole, and im probably going to hell for invading her private stuff, but in realisty I wish you all really knew me. Im probably the nicest person youd ever meet. Im pretty much just a "goodguy" no drugs, hardly drinks, respects pretty much everyone, but just for some odd reason, when it comes to this jealousy and her with any other guys, I feel a whole different demention like the world is caving in on me.

 

[clemson357]

Sometimes you have to trust you instincts. If she is deleting the call record out of her phone on a regular basis, something is up. There is no reason for that.

 

[GFR]

I would tell her right now to run for her life from you

 

[JOHNYORK]

you have to make a decision if its worth being with this girl that for whatever reasons you have you feel the need too constantly check up on her. u shouldnt sacrifice your own happiness and peaceful state of mind for any girl or anyone for that matter even if she was ure wife.

 

[Jodi]

WTF? You have control issues and anger management problems. She has confessed to you her discussion with her co-worker. This should be proof that when she feels guilty she wants to talk to you. How the hell can one be so sneaky to impose up her personal belongings such as her phone and email. She could have you arrested for shit like that. Second of all, that is completey uncalled for and disrespectful and you consider dumping her? Too bad she wasn't on this board because I would tell her right now to run for her life from you. Your anger will get worse as you age and in time you will be hitting her. You say right now, No I won't, but every abusive man said that at some point. You need help!

 

[maxpro2]

WTF? You have control issues and anger management problems. She has confessed to you her discussion with her co-worker. This should be proof that when she feels guilty she wants to talk to you. How the hell can one be so sneaky to impose up her personal belongings such as her phone and email. She could have you arrested for shit like that. Second of all, that is completey uncalled for and disrespectful and you consider dumping her? Too bad she wasn't on this board because I would tell her right now to run for her life from you. Your anger will get worse as you age and in time you will be hitting her. You say right now, No I won't, but every abusive man said that at some point. You need help!

Arrested for using her myspace password... I would love to see that happen...

In time he will be hitting her? I think that is such an unfair assumption to make. He is jealous, and asking what to do and how to deal with it... this does not mean he is going to be a "woman beater."

 

[dantbfan713]

Arrested for using her myspace password... I would love to see that happen...

In time he will be hitting her? I think that is such an unfair assumption to make. He is jealous, and asking what to do and how to deal with it... this does not mean he is going to be a "woman beater."

yea seriously, and plus she was in my house when I checked her phone and myspace. its not like I broke into her house and took her phone.

and No i will never hit a women. ever.

 

[JOHNYORK]

WTF? You have control issues and anger management problems. She has confessed to you her discussion with her co-worker. This should be proof that when she feels guilty she wants to talk to you. How the hell can one be so sneaky to impose up her personal belongings such as her phone and email. She could have you arrested for shit like that. Second of all, that is completey uncalled for and disrespectful and you consider dumping her? Too bad she wasn't on this board because I would tell her right now to run for her life from you. Your anger will get worse as you age and in time you will be hitting her. You say right now, No I won't, but every abusive man said that at some point. You need help!

damn girl chill out eat a bag of cheetoes or sum shit.... dudes in a long term relationship and needs to know if this girl is fuking with him he checked her myspace after she told him she just accepted an invitation to lunch with an "asshole" and found she was talking with sum guy she knew in high school saying they should meet up for the summer. i bet she didnt tell this dude she ahd a b/f either.

 

[MyK]

she clearly fucks every dick in sight!

poor little chicky! listen dude, you obviously have some inner self esteem issues and cant handle trust! your fucked in the head! now, dump this chick before you cause her anymore psychological pain, and go get counciling!!!

 

[Rocco32]

Your definately not mature enough for a relationship with anyone clearly. All of her problems aside, you need to have trust in a serious relationship. You obviously don't trust her and your checking up on her with no reasons then jumping to conclusions. She has her own life man....her life doesn't revolve around you, get used to it. You need to trust and give up some control. Right now I feel sorry for this girl and hope she breaks it off with you. JMO.

 

[Jodi]

Arrested for using her myspace password... I would love to see that happen...

In time he will be hitting her? I think that is such an unfair assumption to make. He is jealous, and asking what to do and how to deal with it... this does not mean he is going to be a "woman beater."

Ever heard of invasion of privacy? Email, password use without permission etc...

It is statically proven that men that develop control and jealousy issues at an early age turn into women beaters. Unless he seeks help now it won't be a matter of if he beats women as to when he beats women.

Rocco - you are right on the money IMO.

 

[dantbfan713]

some of you are bogus as hell.

Yea im going to turn into a wife beater all a sudden because I check her phone and myspace. Put the crack pipe down lady.

And I dont think I have control issues, I have a feeling shes messing around and rather than put all my trust into believing shes not and getting hurt later, id rather pry and try to find out so that i can get out if this does happen to be the case.

women beater...wow

 

[NeilPearson]

You are jealous but she has given you reason for it too.

I think you both are too young to be in a serious relationship. If I was you, I would quit caring what she does. She is going to do what she wants to do. You can't change that... let her do it and choose not to care. Of course, if she is doing what she wants to do, this means you can do what you want to do to. Let her talk to ex-boyfriends and go for lunch with other guys. Who cares... you should do the same.

Go out, have fun, date a bunch of women and don't get exclusive or serious with any of them. Experience life and a bunch of girls. Just date a bunch of them. Don't give them the impression that you are in a 'relationship' or that you are looking for a relationship.

She is obviously young and interested in exploring other guys. This is normal at that age. It is just what girls do. Don't expect young girls to settle down and be all serious... it just doesn't work long term. Eventually it will come to an end and she will have to go through her stage. The same goes for you. You should not be trying to settle down with one girls at your age.

You broke up with her for talking to an ex-boyfriend late at night. Fine you know that she is like that and that is what she does. You have caught her on a couple things. I can gaurantee she got away with more things that you didn't catch. After breaking up for this, you will never trust her again.... so don't have a serious relationship with her. It's ridiculous. Sure keep her as a booty call or go out with her and have fun but don't ever assume she is being exclusive with you. And you don't have to be exclusive with her. Don't ask what she does when not with you, don't try and find out... just choose not to care and have fun when you can - you're not going to marry this girl or anything.

And never, ever get serious with a girl that has a MySpace page...

 

[NeilPearson]

some of you are bogus as hell.

Yea im going to turn into a wife beater all a sudden because I check her phone and myspace. Put the crack pipe down lady.

And I dont think I have control issues, I have a feeling shes messing around and rather than put all my trust into believing shes not and getting hurt later, id rather pry and try to find out so that i can get out if this does happen to be the case.

women beater...wow

There is no reason to be serious and exclusive with a girl you don't fully trust.

 

[dantbfan713]

see the thing thats gets me is that i get long talks, and crying at night sometimes when we argue so i know she really cares, and she tells me all the time im the one she wants to marry, live and have a family with and I feel the same. I guess im just so terrified of being cheated on that I dont let my guard down long enough to allow myself to trust her. Im definatly going to work on it because I have dated around and i have not always been this jealous. I guess Im just scared of losing the one i feel i really want. Basically like I said before im scared to let my guard down because I feel once I finally start to completly trust her, thats when something bad is bound to happen.

 

[NeilPearson]

see the thing thats gets me is that i get long talks, and crying at night sometimes when we argue so i know she really cares, and she tells me all the time im the one she wants to marry, live and have a family with and I feel the same. I guess im just so terrified of being cheated on that I dont let my guard down long enough to allow myself to trust her. Im definatly going to work on it because I have dated around and i have not always been this jealous. I guess Im just scared of losing the one i feel i really want. Basically like I said before im scared to let my guard down because I feel once I finally start to completly trust her, thats when something bad is bound to happen.

How old are you?

 

[dantbfan713]

another thing that scares me is that she hardly has any female friends, almost all her friends are guys, so that is kinda blah from the start. Secondly she drinks when she goes out and I know how she gets. its funny though, she hardly drinks when its just us or if I go out with her and her friends, heck not even hardly...never drinks, but when she goes out with family or anything, she'll have a few drinks, and if she goes out with friends she has more than a few. So now I tend to get aggrivated before she even goes out (i start to get nervious when it gets first brought up that shes going out) I guess I just feel that I dont go out and drink with all my guy/girl friends and make her uncomfortable and sit at home being nervious, but she doesnt comprehend that it hurts sometimes when she does it to me.

I know people are going to say go out with my friends when she goes with hers, but im just not into that scene. Im more of a single date, dinner and movie type guy. I was never into the getting piss drunk until you pass out thing which most of my friends do. Other than that they play basketball, but thats always mid afternoon and im home by the time my gf is ready to go out for her thing.

 

[dantbfan713]

How old are you?

Im 20, shes 22.

 

[NeilPearson]

Im 20, shes 22.

Marriage should be the last thing on your mind.

You can go out now, have fun and date a lot of women or you can do it after your divorce... your choice.

 

[maxpro2]

You can go out now, have fun and date a lot of women or you can do it after your divorce... your choice.

That is a great way to put it.

 

[MCx2]

WTF? You have control issues and anger management problems. She has confessed to you her discussion with her co-worker. This should be proof that when she feels guilty she wants to talk to you. How the hell can one be so sneaky to impose up her personal belongings such as her phone and email. She could have you arrested for shit like that. Second of all, that is completey uncalled for and disrespectful and you consider dumping her? Too bad she wasn't on this board because I would tell her right now to run for her life from you. Your anger will get worse as you age and in time you will be hitting her. You say right now, No I won't, but every abusive man said that at some point. You need help!

Ya know, for once I'm gonna agree with Jodi. I've been on both sides of this coin and neither are fun. You need help dude.

 

[NeilPearson]

another thing that scares me is that she hardly has any female friends, almost all her friends are guys, so that is kinda blah from the start. Secondly she drinks when she goes out and I know how she gets. its funny though, she hardly drinks when its just us or if I go out with her and her friends, heck not even hardly...never drinks, but when she goes out with family or anything, she'll have a few drinks, and if she goes out with friends she has more than a few. So now I tend to get aggrivated before she even goes out (i start to get nervious when it gets first brought up that shes going out) I guess I just feel that I dont go out and drink with all my guy/girl friends and make her uncomfortable and sit at home being nervious, but she doesnt comprehend that it hurts sometimes when she does it to me.

I know people are going to say go out with my friends when she goes with hers, but im just not into that scene. Im more of a single date, dinner and movie type guy. I was never into the getting piss drunk until you pass out thing which most of my friends do. Other than that they play basketball, but thats always mid afternoon and im home by the time my gf is ready to go out for her thing.

There is only one reason for anyone to go out drinking at a dance club. It is to meet and flirt with people of the opposite sex... pretty much the same reason people have MySpace accounts.

The more you say, the more it is obvious that neither of you are ready to be in a serious, monogamous relationship.

 

[Jodi]

There is only one reason for anyone to go out drinking at a dance club. It is to meet and flirt with people of the opposite sex... pretty much the same reason people have MySpace accounts.

The more you say, the more it is obvious that neither of you are ready to be in a serious, monogamous relationship.

That's such bullshit! In the past I would go to plenty of clubs and drink and my boyfriend with me. We would go out and have fun together or I would go out with my sisters or other friends. It's not always about sex and just because you are a guy and think not much else, many girls are not out looking to hook up when they go out.

OMG the mentality of the men on this board is fucking aggravating You all need a life and you all need to grow the fuck up.

 

[clemson357]

some of you are bogus as hell.

Yea im going to turn into a wife beater all a sudden because I check her phone and myspace. Put the crack pipe down lady.

And I dont think I have control issues, I have a feeling shes messing around and rather than put all my trust into believing shes not and getting hurt later, id rather pry and try to find out so that i can get out if this does happen to be the case.

women beater...wow

Dude, all you have to do is look at American divorce rates to figure out why you are getting such shitty advise on this forum. Checking her phone maybe a little over the line, and checking her myspace definitely is, but you have reason to be suspicious based on her history (which you would be clueless to if it were up to Jodi). "All is fair in love and war," and checking up on someone doesn't make you a psycho. Cheating is prevelant in America, and if you don't want to look like a fool you need to be inquisitive.


In all honesty, just take your emotions out of the equation. What would you think if your buddy told you he caught his girl talking with her ex on a regular basis, and that since then her phone records are always deleted. Something is up.

 

[maniclion]

That's such bullshit! In the past I would go to plenty of clubs and drink and my boyfriend with me. We would go out and have fun together or I would go out with my sisters or other friends. It's not always about sex and just because you are a guy and think not much else, many girls are not out looking to hook up when they go out.

OMG the mentality of the men on this board is fucking aggravating You all need a life and you all need to grow the fuck up.

I'm only 3 years old, what do you expect?

 

[NeilPearson]

That's such bullshit! In the past I would go to plenty of clubs and drink and my boyfriend with me. We would go out and have fun together or I would go out with my sisters or other friends. It's not always about sex and just because you are a guy and think not much else, many girls are not out looking to hook up when they go out.

OMG the mentality of the men on this board is fucking aggravating You all need a life and you all need to grow the fuck up.

I never claimed it was about sex and I never suggested all girls go out to hook up. I think I used the word 'flirting'. There is a big difference. Please don't put words in my mouth.

You are telling me that when you and a group of girls go out to a night club, there is no flirting going on.

Come on, I've been to nightclubs. I know what they are all about. I see the girls letting guys buy them drinks and then doing some dancing... single ones may hook up... hell, married ones might hook up... but there is always flirting on some level going on from everyone whether they are single, married or whatever.

We all know, going to a club is much more fun with your friends than with your significant other... there is a reason for that.

 

[JordanMang]

Ever heard of invasion of privacy? Email, password use without permission etc...

It is statically proven that men that develop control and jealousy issues at an early age turn into women beaters. Unless he seeks help now it won't be a matter of if he beats women as to when he beats women.

Rocco - you are right on the money IMO.

Everytime I read one of your post I don't know whether to cry or laugh. Your views on men are completely unfounded. Theirs obviously something going on with you ( maybe past experiences ) that we don't know about. For you to say that a man just because he has control and jealousy issues he'll become a wife-beater is redeculous. You're acting like he's a ticking time bomb. He's just your average man with no out of the ordinary feelings. I don't think this is really a subject that a woman can understand ( no offense to you. ).

 

[NeilPearson]

Everytime I read one of your post I don't know whether to cry or laugh. Your views on men are completely unfounded. Theirs obviously something going on with you ( maybe past experiences ) that we don't know about. For you to say that a man just because he has control and jealousy issues he'll become a wife-beater is redeculous. You're acting like he's a ticking time bomb. He's just your average man with no out of the ordinary feelings. I don't think this is really a subject that a woman can understand ( no offense to you. ).

 

[myCATpowerlifts]

Hurry Boy! Seek help, you are on the verge of slaughtering her!
You wife beater! Damnit all!

 

[maniclion]

You're the same guy who won't go down on his girl cause it tastes nasty. That would explain why she's looking at other options...