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- Jul 26, 2005
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I have not shared this with anyone, except for the people on a bi-polar disorder support forum. I wrote this for the people in that forum, because it might help some of them. This is strickly my opinion and NOT a fact. I do not care what people think about me anymore, so maybe this might help someone here.
Starting at nine years old, I began the road of almost complete emotional instability. Six months of complete bliss was always followed by a year's worth of sadness, misery, and suicidal thoughts. I was a shy person, so nobody ever noticed except for my family, and I was too ashamed to tell my friends. Hell, I didn't even know that I had a problem, but just figured that I was being a pussy, and tried to ignore the problem all together. I would go months at a time praying for death, an illness, or even a car accident, it didn't really matter. I would lay awake at night thinking of being granted my only wish of never being born. I could never kill myself, because it wouldn't be fair to my parents. My mom and dad would blame themselves forever, and I wasn't selfish enough to do that to them. I would gain weight, stop hanging out with friends, do poorly in school, and seclude myself in my room most of the time.
Always during the lowest of the lows something in my head snapped like someone flipping a switch, and pulled me back into the world that I loved again. I would go into six to eight months of loving everything about life, myself, and the world. I would get back into shape, do well in school, and socialize with my friends.
This has been a never ending cycle of my life. I never told anyone except for my closest friend who is also fucking nuts just like me. We had the same shit going on in our head, but he always dealt with it so much better than I did. Even when I could see him struggling, he seemed to have his act together. He had been telling me for years that I was lifting weights for the wrong reasons. I lifted because I was happy, but he was working out because it did more good for his emotional state than any medication ever could. I figured he was just fooling himself, and that I was on the right track, until now.
Eight months ago I cycled from depressed to manic very quick and hard. I had more energy and happiness than I had ever had before. I couldn???t sleep for four fucking days! My apartment was spotless, my homework was done weeks in advanced, and I had knocked out a list of things that I had been putting off for months. I loved it until it started to take its toll. Lack of sleep eventually caught up to me, and I began to hallucinate. My eyes had dark patches around them, and I was looking like someone strung out on crack. I HATE talking to doctors or my family about personal problems, but I had to at this point. The doctor put me on lithium and zyprexa (antipsychotic) to calm me down. The one stipulation was that I had to see the school shrink before she would give it to me. God damnit! I HATE shrinks. I do not like talking about my problems to strangers, especially to some asshat with a notepad and a degree who knows nothing about me.
???No, I wasn???t abused as a child.??? ???Yes, my parents were fine and they always let me know they loved me.??? ???Who cares that my dad didn???t hug me much, he worked his ass off to provide for me the things he never had.??? ???Yes, I have thought about suicide during my childhood.??? ???No, I never tried it. I wouldn???t do that to the people that care about me.??? ???Great, thank you for telling me your professional opinion of how I am type 1 bi-polar, because I DIDN???T ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THAT???
I upheld my end of the bargain to see the shrink, so the bitch finally gave me the drugs. The medication sucked! I felt like a zombie with no emotion at all, but at least I was calm enough to function. Clint asked me a week later how I felt, and I told him that I didn???t feel much of anything. I think he had enough of my shit at that point, because he told me very point blank that I was fucking stupid if I planned to live the rest of my life as a medicine head, and I agreed. So I gave his method a try.
I stopped all medications and began the process of trying to function as a normal person without drugs. If I had a lot of energy, I would go use it at the gym. Power House became my hospital and the iron became my medicine. It worked great for keeping me centered during my manic phases, but I was terrified of what was going to happen when I cycled back over to the depressed state of mind. About three months ago I started to come down from my high. I was losing energy, having problems sleeping even when I was tired as hell, and spending more time in my room doing nothing but thinking about depressing shit. Clint had told me that this was the hard part and that he dealt with it by turning his sadness into rage. He said rage against life, rage against himself, and rage against the world. It all sounds very childish, but anything beats going back into my world of shit. So I did what he told me to do the best I could. When I had fucked up shit going on in my head I would get pissed. I focused on being pissed at whatever higher power created me this way. I raged against my illness. I was getting the best workouts of my entire life.
Right as my blood was pumping and my veins were bulging I reached a calm place in my mind. Medication never could give me the peace that lifting in this mind frame could. I will be damned if lifting not only centered me while I was manic, but also while I was depressed. I think there is a chemical release in my brain that occurs, or maybe endorphins are helping me to normalize. I am looking up every piece of information I can about bi-polar disorder, but I have seen nothing about the effects of strength training as a treatment for the disorder. I feel that most doctors are just pill pushing quacks that really have no real understanding of the disease. Three months after I quit taking the drugs prescribed to me, I see reports on TV about Zyprexa causing all kinds of medical complications to the people who have been taking it.
This is now the longest I have ever gone where I felt healthy and happy. Clint???s method is very strange, but it works for me. It might also work for all of you if you give it a try. I am not trying to put some of you down, but bitching and complaining is not going to help you. I see thread after thread about people complaining about wanting to die, and your life sucks. Doctors don???t seem to be able to help us, drugs don???t seem to help us, and support groups don???t seem to be helping us. Unfortunately, the only person that might be able to help you is yourself. I feel like I now have all of the necessary tools to live my life to the fullest, so this will be the last time I will talk with you guys. I wish you best of luck, and I hope you all get well.
Starting at nine years old, I began the road of almost complete emotional instability. Six months of complete bliss was always followed by a year's worth of sadness, misery, and suicidal thoughts. I was a shy person, so nobody ever noticed except for my family, and I was too ashamed to tell my friends. Hell, I didn't even know that I had a problem, but just figured that I was being a pussy, and tried to ignore the problem all together. I would go months at a time praying for death, an illness, or even a car accident, it didn't really matter. I would lay awake at night thinking of being granted my only wish of never being born. I could never kill myself, because it wouldn't be fair to my parents. My mom and dad would blame themselves forever, and I wasn't selfish enough to do that to them. I would gain weight, stop hanging out with friends, do poorly in school, and seclude myself in my room most of the time.
Always during the lowest of the lows something in my head snapped like someone flipping a switch, and pulled me back into the world that I loved again. I would go into six to eight months of loving everything about life, myself, and the world. I would get back into shape, do well in school, and socialize with my friends.
This has been a never ending cycle of my life. I never told anyone except for my closest friend who is also fucking nuts just like me. We had the same shit going on in our head, but he always dealt with it so much better than I did. Even when I could see him struggling, he seemed to have his act together. He had been telling me for years that I was lifting weights for the wrong reasons. I lifted because I was happy, but he was working out because it did more good for his emotional state than any medication ever could. I figured he was just fooling himself, and that I was on the right track, until now.
Eight months ago I cycled from depressed to manic very quick and hard. I had more energy and happiness than I had ever had before. I couldn???t sleep for four fucking days! My apartment was spotless, my homework was done weeks in advanced, and I had knocked out a list of things that I had been putting off for months. I loved it until it started to take its toll. Lack of sleep eventually caught up to me, and I began to hallucinate. My eyes had dark patches around them, and I was looking like someone strung out on crack. I HATE talking to doctors or my family about personal problems, but I had to at this point. The doctor put me on lithium and zyprexa (antipsychotic) to calm me down. The one stipulation was that I had to see the school shrink before she would give it to me. God damnit! I HATE shrinks. I do not like talking about my problems to strangers, especially to some asshat with a notepad and a degree who knows nothing about me.
???No, I wasn???t abused as a child.??? ???Yes, my parents were fine and they always let me know they loved me.??? ???Who cares that my dad didn???t hug me much, he worked his ass off to provide for me the things he never had.??? ???Yes, I have thought about suicide during my childhood.??? ???No, I never tried it. I wouldn???t do that to the people that care about me.??? ???Great, thank you for telling me your professional opinion of how I am type 1 bi-polar, because I DIDN???T ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THAT???
I upheld my end of the bargain to see the shrink, so the bitch finally gave me the drugs. The medication sucked! I felt like a zombie with no emotion at all, but at least I was calm enough to function. Clint asked me a week later how I felt, and I told him that I didn???t feel much of anything. I think he had enough of my shit at that point, because he told me very point blank that I was fucking stupid if I planned to live the rest of my life as a medicine head, and I agreed. So I gave his method a try.
I stopped all medications and began the process of trying to function as a normal person without drugs. If I had a lot of energy, I would go use it at the gym. Power House became my hospital and the iron became my medicine. It worked great for keeping me centered during my manic phases, but I was terrified of what was going to happen when I cycled back over to the depressed state of mind. About three months ago I started to come down from my high. I was losing energy, having problems sleeping even when I was tired as hell, and spending more time in my room doing nothing but thinking about depressing shit. Clint had told me that this was the hard part and that he dealt with it by turning his sadness into rage. He said rage against life, rage against himself, and rage against the world. It all sounds very childish, but anything beats going back into my world of shit. So I did what he told me to do the best I could. When I had fucked up shit going on in my head I would get pissed. I focused on being pissed at whatever higher power created me this way. I raged against my illness. I was getting the best workouts of my entire life.
Right as my blood was pumping and my veins were bulging I reached a calm place in my mind. Medication never could give me the peace that lifting in this mind frame could. I will be damned if lifting not only centered me while I was manic, but also while I was depressed. I think there is a chemical release in my brain that occurs, or maybe endorphins are helping me to normalize. I am looking up every piece of information I can about bi-polar disorder, but I have seen nothing about the effects of strength training as a treatment for the disorder. I feel that most doctors are just pill pushing quacks that really have no real understanding of the disease. Three months after I quit taking the drugs prescribed to me, I see reports on TV about Zyprexa causing all kinds of medical complications to the people who have been taking it.
This is now the longest I have ever gone where I felt healthy and happy. Clint???s method is very strange, but it works for me. It might also work for all of you if you give it a try. I am not trying to put some of you down, but bitching and complaining is not going to help you. I see thread after thread about people complaining about wanting to die, and your life sucks. Doctors don???t seem to be able to help us, drugs don???t seem to help us, and support groups don???t seem to be helping us. Unfortunately, the only person that might be able to help you is yourself. I feel like I now have all of the necessary tools to live my life to the fullest, so this will be the last time I will talk with you guys. I wish you best of luck, and I hope you all get well.
