MonStar's Journal: Stopping the Madness!

[Jenny]

I don't really know you monstar, and I don't usually follow journals too closely either, but I thought it appropriate to say a few words. I am not sure what exactly you are going though, but I CAN tell you that being 20 and in college is like this for everyone bro. there is a reason the suicide rate is the highest amongst college students, this is an incredibly awkward and difficult time, full of stress an anxiety about the future. Probably more so than any other time in your life. We have all been there, its normal to feel lost and frustrated, believe that! I think that you need to stop setting unrealistic goals for yourself, you seem to expect perfection, and if you don't get it you get pissed and crumple up your paper to start again and this seems to be your cycle.. Instead of starting from the preverbial drawing board, you need to learn to build on what you have, both your mistakes and your achievements. Otherwise you will just end up repeating the mistakes, ya feel me? If I am wrong and way off base then feel free to say so. No one is perfect, not even the gr81..lol j/p, and to just wake up and announce that you are gonna change everything around starting now is unrealistic. Thats like an addict proclaiming to himself after he has his drink, that he is done, that was his last and from tommorrow on you shall be perfect. Another analogy is a person who is out of shape proclaiming they are done with this lifestyle and from now on everything in their diet will be spotless. Its important to want to better yourself and set high goals, but if you are unrealistic you are only setting yourself up for failure. a good definition of insanity could be doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, ya feel me? Instead of the out of shape person demanding perfection immediately, they need to be realistic and understand that change happens over time. Find someone you can talk to about things. Exlporing intreenal issues you may have with someone can open your eyes for sure. And just as important, take it one step at a time, one rep at a time, one meal at a time. an instead of dwelling on the mistakes of the past, use them to look to the future. Focus on the positive things you have accomplished instead, there are lots of things there bro. anyways, hoep I could help.. good luck playa

Wow gr8, I'm impressed, great post

Mike, our man gr8 has a point here. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. I think we're all too hard on ourselves and it doesn't do us any good. Relax, realise that you are a wonderful person and just do the best you can

 

[M.J.H.]

rock4832: LOL, I guess we'll see what happens bro. I really want to improve my shoulders. Not only my shoulder strength necessarily, but my shoulder development as well. I really want to bring up my front and side delts. And I have been trying to do some bentover DB lateral raises on my back day. So we'll see how this works.

gr81: Wow man, really awesome post, I am impressed! Thanks for taking the time to post it here in my journal man, means a lot. I agree that part of the point of having a journal at all is to make mistakes in learn from them and move forward. I have gotten into this awful habit of making a single mistake and starting a new journal. I am not sure why I do that at all. Not anymore though man, like I was saying, that's not going to happen anymore. I need to think about what triggers my binges, what makes me do them at all. Regardless of whether it's stress, boredom, etc. They're unacceptable and I just need to concentrate on success, not failure. Thanks again man, for the awesome post.

SF: LOL, I had a feeling you would notice that.

Jenny: I agree that I am way too hard on myself. It's funny because I don't think you would ever guess that I am this hard on myself, just talking to me. I mean I always act so carefree and confident and just don't act like I am concerned at all with little things. Thanks for the support, Jenny.

 

[chris mason]

Ok Mike, as I already mentioned, you need to look at the results. You freak out about your eating habits and yet you are bigger, stronger, and leaner than 99% of the people on this site. Hmmm, maybe we should all have such problems...

Next, your age has a lot to do with it. Your OCD tendencies will reduce as you mature and have bigger problems to deal with.

 

[M.J.H.]

Chris: Hey man, thanks for the support my friend. You always know how to make me think twice about the things that I stress out about. I do think that you're right about my OCD lessening with age. Because right now there isn't all that much in my life to really stress about. I have a pretty layed back job, my college isn't all that difficult for me, etc. It's amazing to me that I have any kind of results at all repeatedly binging for years now. I guess like SF pointed out a huge surplus of calories every couple of days just shoots my horomone levels sky high. What makes me wonder if I stop binging, will my gains be the same?

BTW, I still think you should start a journal here man! A lot of people here at IM would sh*t themselves at the kind of weight that you throw around. Especially since you have videos to back up every single one of your lifts. Also, I am all for taking videos as well. Are there any lifts in particular you want to see my form on?

 

[M.J.H.]

Tuesday; 9-28-2004

Arms

Great arm workout today, damn I really really love training arms together. I get a better pump from this session than any of my other workouts I think. Definition in my arms is looking pretty good lately, I am trying to change things up and get them to grow some more.

Seated French Presses
3 sets of 3 with 160
2 sets of 8 with 125

Alternating DB Curls
2 sets of 3 with the 80's
2 sets of 7 with the 60's

Incline DB Extensions
3 sets of 10 with the 45's

Incline DB Curls
3 sets of 10 with the 45's

Rope Cable Pressdowns
2 sets of 12 with 160

Rope Cable Curls
2 sets of 12 with 140

Hit 2 big PR's today in my arm workout, the first was on seated French presses. Hit 160 for 3 sets of 3. Not too shabby at all, IMO. I flare my elbows quite a bit on these, but I am still moving 160 lbs. behind my head, so no complaints. Moved onto another big PR in alternating DB curls. Used some momentum but curls the 80's for 2 sets of 3. Good slow negative on each rep. Did some incline DB extensions for my triceps, good sets. And then some incline curls. Nice deep aching in my biceps from the incline curls. Finished up with rope pressdowns and rope curls. Nice workout.

Diet:
- MRP + 1% milk
- V-12 preworkout
- whey protein postworkout
- peanuts
- MRP bar
- tuna salad sandwich
- 6" turkey & cheese sub
- 1/2 peanut butter sandwich, 1% milk
- 6" turkey & cheese sub

Sleep: 7.5 hours.

 

[klmclean]

Hey, MonStar, just got back from my trip and I thought I would check in on you. I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time. Have you thought about looking into support groups, like Overeaters Annonymus? I don't know if they have them in your area, but maybe that would give you some additional support. I find I overeat when I'm stressed or lonely. I moved to a small town for a few months a few years and gained 20 pounds within eight months, I was just eating and eating and eating because I was homesick and bored. Have you ever had your thyroid checked? Something to look into maybe also. Take Care and take it easy on yourself, judging by your posted photos, you would never know that you have a binging problem, you look awesome!

 

[Mudge]

I flare my elbows quite a bit on these, but I am still moving 160 lbs. behind my head, so no complaints.

I wouldn't do them any other way, and even still if my elbows are bothering me at ALL that day I wont even do them period!

 

[Mudge]

I have gotten into this awful habit of making a single mistake and starting a new journal. I am not sure why I do that at all.

I'm sure others have noticed how particular about perfectly quoting people with names in bold, your perfectly perfect signature and so on. Definitely some OCD there, now you just need to turn it into regular dedication and not OCD+burnout=binging.

 

[Jenny]

Real world tonight

 

[Jill]

Have you ever seeked professional help? Just a suggestion. I know drugs are not the answer but its another suggestion .

 

[M.J.H.]

klmclean: Hey there! Thanks so much for stopping by, I appreciate it. Yeah things lately have been a little more stressful lately. Nothing too too bad I don't think, though. I have been reading a book lately on binging that I think is helping. It's has an entire 6-step self-help program which I really like so far. So we'll see how things go.

Mudge: LOL, so far I am loving French presses. Really hit my triceps hard, and I can go pretty heavy on them. No complaints thus far.

angelpaws: Hey there! Thanks for taking the time to post in my journal, it's always great to see new faces in here. Yeah I do have AIM, my screenname on there is 'MonStarDL' so feel free to chat with me! I really like talking to people with similar problems.

Jenny: I know, I can't wait!

Jill: No, I have not seeked professional help. I never felt like it was negatively affecting my health that badly. I mean honestly anymore I realize that I am gaining a large amount of fat from the binging. I just need to relax and take things one day at a time. And not let myself get out of control anymore.

 

[PreMier]

Ahh.. so thats how you got so many cals in. Taco Bell.

 

[chris mason]

I would like to see some videos of you doing the arm movements Mike.

I appreciate the prodding on the journal thing, but I am really not nearly as impressive as you are making me out to be. Not that I don't like the compliments .

 

[angelpaws]

Hey, what no comment for me? j/k im sure you just overlooked my comment.

Anyway therapy is good for people who use food to fill emotional needs. It can help you learn better ways of coping. You don't need to be affected physically by food. The emotional pain is enough, don't you think? Would you at least consider therapy? You would be surprised at the help that is currently available. I am going to start seeing a counsler in the next two weeks myself so I'll let you know how things go....

 

[Jill]

Jill: No, I have seeked professional help. I never felt like it was negatively affecting my health that badly. I mean honestly anymore I realize that I am gaining a large amount of fat from the binging. I just need to relax and take things one day at a time. And not let myself get out of control anymore.

You have or havent seeked help?

 

[Rocco32]

You have or havent seeked help?

I think he means he has not.

 

[M.J.H.]

PreMier: Yeah man, Taco Bell I absolutely love. I know it's pretty much the worst possible thing that you can eat. But I am addicted.

Chris: C'mon man, you know that 185 lbs.+ curls and 225 lbs. skullcrushers is absolutely insane. I have never heard of anyone throwing around weights like that. Anyway, my next arm session I'll take some videos for ya' bud, not a problem at all.

angelpaws: Hey there, I can't believe I did that! I just fixed my other post, sorry about that! Great to see a new face here in my journal. I added you on AIM so hopefully I'll catch you on there tonight or tomorrow maybe. It's great that you experience the same type of things that I do, though. Yeah I am all for therapy actually, I think that in certain situations it can work wonders. Let me know how you do with it. Have you considered starting a journal? I think it would be a great idea.

Jill: Hey there, sorry. I have not seeked help for my eating problems.

rock4832: Thanks bud.

 

[gr81]

Wow gr8, I'm impressed, great post
Mike, our man gr8 has a point here. You need to stop being so hard on yourself. I think we're all too hard on ourselves and it doesn't do us any good. Relax, realise that you are a wonderful person and just do the best you can

Thanks Jen, I have been known to bring it..lol great pics btw..

gr81: Wow man, really awesome post, I am impressed! Thanks for taking the time to post it here in my journal man, means a lot. I agree that part of the point of having a journal at all is to make mistakes in learn from them and move forward. I have gotten into this awful habit of making a single mistake and starting a new journal. I am not sure why I do that at all. Not anymore though man, like I was saying, that's not going to happen anymore. I need to think about what triggers my binges, what makes me do them at all. Regardless of whether it's stress, boredom, etc. They're unacceptable and I just need to concentrate on success, not failure. Thanks again man, for the awesome post.

no prob bro. ya know they have a great saying in AA that I really like. "God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change.." no hidden meaning there or anything like that, the saying just always stuck with me and it seems appropriate. Good luck maYn, and take it out on the iron, ain't no therapy better than that shit! ya feel me! ha .. peace

 

[JerseyDevil]

Ahh.. so thats how you got so many cals in. Taco Bell.

Yeah man, Taco Bell I absolutely love. I know it's pretty much the worst possible thing that you can eat. But I am addicted.

Drop the chapula . Yeah I'm a fan of Taco Bell myself, but I could see where it would be easy to binge on their food.

 

[M.J.H.]

gr81: Yeah man, I am going to take out all of my aggression at the gym. There is no better place to do it like you said. Thanks again bro the inspiring words. I have so much support here at IM, I just need to man up and break this awful habits.

JerseyDevil: Yeah man, trust me, it's easy to binge on Taco Bell. I have to stay as far from that place as possible! I used to love eating there as a kid and now I just crave it sometimes. It's the weirdest thing, but whatever. I can live without it.

 

[Monolith]

...

Every time someone says anything, anything, you reply with "WOW AWESOME POST MAN THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE IT WOWOWOW ITS SO COOL AND YOU ARE SO RIGHT. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY BRO IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME."

Yet, oddly, you seem to ignore every single comment people post. The least you could do is stop pandering everyone and just come out and say you don't give a fuck what advice the rest of us have for you. It's getting annoying to see this exaggerated, dramatized reaction from you with each reply.

Honestly, i'm tired of seeing half a dozen of your journals all over the first page... each one reading the same: "THIS IS IT GUYS, NO MORE BINGING! NO MORE NEW JOURNALS! IM HARDCORE!!!"

I'm finding it hard to believe that you can manage to accomplish anything in your real life with the kind of discipline and motivation you're displaying here. Either use this forum as its intended - one thread per person - or get the fuck out. Sorry to be so blunt, but youve had months of patience from everyone on this board.

 

[M.J.H.]

Monolith: Okay, let me try to respond to this in quotes, I think that it will be a little easier.

Every time someone says anything, anything, you reply with "WOW AWESOME POST MAN THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE IT WOWOWOW ITS SO COOL AND YOU ARE SO RIGHT. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY BRO IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME."

I reply with a post similar to this when someone has taken the time out of their day to offer inspiring words, support, and things of that nature. I do not reply with a post like to everyone's posts. I just like people to realize that I do appreciate their support, that's all. And that I take it to heart, I just don't blow it off without thinking twice about it.

Yet, oddly, you seem to ignore every single comment people post. The least you could do is stop pandering everyone and just come out and say you don't give a fuck what advice the rest of us have for you. It's getting annoying to see this exaggerated, dramatized reaction from you with each reply.

I don't ignore them, at all. I have an OCD problem that I do not want to have, it's that simple. I am not asking you to feel sorry for me, so don't take it that way. But what makes you think that I ignore people's posts? Because person 1 says that I should try this and I don't immediately take their advice? If it's getting annoying don't read my journal. It's not too complicated, bud.

Honestly, i'm tired of seeing half a dozen of your journals all over the first page... each one reading the same: "THIS IS IT GUYS, NO MORE BINGING! NO MORE NEW JOURNALS! IM HARDCORE!!!"

If you're tired of seeing if, then stop reading! It's honestly not the most difficult thing in the world to do. I am not trying to an a*shole at all I am just saying that if you're so tired of it, then just stop reading. I mean it honestly does not matter much to me either way.

I'm finding it hard to believe that you can manage to accomplish anything in your real life with the kind of discipline and motivation you're displaying here.

Okay lets talk about this. The kind of discipline and motivation that I display here. I start journals often, so shoot me. I eat clean for a few days, and then binge. Lets look at my intensity level in the gym. Or my gym dedication, or supplement dedication, or sleep dedication, or my water intake. There are a lot of things that I am 100% disciplined on. When it comes to dieting I developed this binging problem. But don't talk to me about being disciplined or dedicated.

Either use this forum as its intended - one thread per person - or get the fuck out. Sorry to be so blunt, but youve had months of patience from everyone on this board.

You're in no position to make those calls. Like I said if you have such a problem, please stop reading or posting in my journals. I would appreciate it.

 

[M.J.H.]

Wednesday; 9-29-2004

Back

Great back workout today, really hit my lats hard. No crazy PR's or anything like that. But overall workout was awesome. Really seemed to hit my lats hard, no complaints here today at all.

Bentover Rows
3 sets of 3 with 385
2 sets of 8 with 320

Support Rows
2 sets of 10 with 235
2 sets of 3 with 290

Nautilus Pullovers
2 sets of 6 with 280
Dropset: 280x8, 240x7, 200x7

Bentover DB Lateral Raises
3 sets of 12 with the 30's

Hit a nice PR today in bentover rows. Nothing really extraordinary honestly except for the fact that it was a total of 9 reps with 385. Not too bad at all. I do this double overhand Yates style. Support rows beat the f*ck outta' my lats, ouch. Really great sets with 290, I usually don't go that heavy on support rows. Pullovers were awesome, hit my lats hard. Really great dropset today with pullovers. Bentover laterals were good, too. I am trying hard to bring up my rear delts.

Diet:
- cottage cheese + fruit
- V-12 preworkout
- whey protein postworkout
- turkey & cheese sandwich, mixed fruit
- 3 dijon chicken breasts
- breaded chicken parmesan
- 1/2 peanut butter sandwich
- MRP + 1% milk

Sleep: 7.5 hours.

 

[angelpaws]

Hey Monolith, take it easy okay?
Im new to the forums and I can see how it can get kind of annoying to see someone start new journals after seemingly every setback, but some folks just need to keep taking fresh starts or else they feel like it "doesnt count".
That said, Monstar, even if you screw up (which we all do) don't trash this journal. Failures can make you stronger. Just keep trucking along and let this be the last journal.
Beating an addiction like binge eating is VERY hard. Setbacks are common. Some of the comments made so far are a bit on the ignorant side. Psychological problems take more than willpower to fix. That is why you really need some therapy Monstar.

 

[Saturday Fever]

Go for the ego. Hit the 405 row.

Nice lifting, I like the current blending of high reps low reps in the same lift.

 

[ncgirl21]

Hey Mike Just stopping by to see how you were doing

I, personally, could give two shits how many journals you start- if it makes you feel better start one daily. I think the thing that everyone fails to realize is that everyone is on this board because they want to improve themselves. This is also the journal forum, yes it's open to the public, but in a way it's your personal journal. I don't keep my own journal at home, so if I want to write something down I do so in MY journal on-line. Yes, it does get frustrating not seeing you reach the goals you set forth in your journal, but I also think that you set your goals so high sometimes and fail to appreciate how much you already have and how good you already do look. Oh well, just my $.02 for the day. I'll send the bill in the mail

 

[Rocco32]

Great back w/o! Oh, and when I was 275 I had taco bell at least 2-3 times a day. And those were not meals, just snacks LOL! I loved the quesidillas. I haven't eaten there since I lost the weight, afraid I'd become hooked again LOL. Mmmmmm...Taco Bell

 

[chris mason]

Mono, the guy is POLITE. Would you rather he acts like an asshole like 99% of the people in the world?

I understand someone's frustration with his actions but he admits to having a problem. Why kick a man who is down?

In the end, I would rather deal with a polite an like Mike than an asshole.

 

[Duncans Donuts]

Nice back workout there Mike. I have a suggestion: why don't you fuck the diet and eat what you want, but not excessive (7500 calorie style) ? I mean, you're pushing such goofy ass amounts of weight (that's a compliment) that you would probably look just as good at a weight of 240 or 250. Then get some appetite suppresants and trim down.

From your avatar you look to be really lean anyway.

 

[M.J.H.]

angelpaws: Hey there, thanks for stopping by. Overcoming binge eating is definitely the hardest thing that I have ever tried to do. Because its not like normal dieting. Normally when you eat clean and try and not eat junkfood, you allow yourself maybe a piece of cake or a scoop of ice-cream here and there. The problem with binge eating is that I can't eat just a single piece of pie. Or a single scoop of ice-cream. It's just not possible I want to stuff myself until I am uncomfortable. I have no idea why, at all. The first step in the binge book I am reading is to pay close attention to how I feel before a binge, my mood, etc. And also to weigh myself weekly. Rather than daily.

SF: Thanks man. I don't know about bumping it up to 405 just yet. The momentum that I using is more than I really like with 385. I am somewhat heaving the weight up rather than pulling it up in a controlled manner. I did take a video today, although its a bad angle, of me rowing 385 for 3. I'll have to e-mail you that. By the way, I really like low and high reps in the same exercise, too.

Andrea: Hey! Thanks for stopping by, appreciate it. Yeah I agree that it can be frustrating when someone starts a new journal on a regular basis. I mean frustrating, yes. Even annoying, yes. But honestly who cares? I mean what difference does it make what someone else is doing, you know? I just don't understand how some people can get so worked up over nothing at all. This is a message board. We're all after the same thing, like you said, improving ourselves.

rock4832: Damn man, Taco Bell 2-3 times a day? That's gotta be out of control, man. Even when I binge I don't go more than once, lol. At least you lost the weight now. But Taco Bell can be addicting, I can testify to that. But I am trying to stay free of binging, completely. Even if that means going to Taco Bell and eating a thing or two if I absolutely must. I just want to eliminate the binges.

Chris: Thanks for the post, bud. I mean I am completely admitting to having a problem. OCD, binge eating, etc. I mean there is no doubt in my mind about having a problem. It's not like I am trying to create a new journal every few days, and just say 'hey I felt like starting something new.' It's 100% always because I binged the night before, like crazy.

Duncans Donuts: I think my avatar is a little deceiving. Not that that's not me or anything, but when the pic was taken (a few months ago) I was a tad smaller and a tad leaner, as well. I am going to have to get up some more progress pics. The time the avatar was taken I am pretty sure that I was weighing 222-224 lbs. Now I am weighing closer to 230-232 lbs.

Anyway, about bulking up. I have this fear of getting fat. I can't get any flabbier than I am now. I am not even happy at this point with my bodyfat %. Let alone if I was any worse. I think I have a fat complex, basically. When I am flabbier it really affects my confidence level, etc. I am hoping that just cutting out the binging alone will help me get a little more lean.