Remembering Erik

[firestorm]

I am no hero. If anything, I'm a failure. I'm a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Did I use any technique to stop the incident? Did I use technique to bring him down myself? No. I ran around like a drunken moron, uselessly. There are so many leg sweeps... instead I behaved as all other women there, crying and screaming. I couldn't stand the sounds of what was happening so I laid on him hoping it would make them stop. The bruises I have are from them, not from him.

If I'm not mistaken I believe you laid the smackdown on a few of them. Blackbelt or not you were only one person. You did much better with a hotile crowd then most men I know. Secondly you were at a party and you were drinking. drunk. Now I've been involved in the Martial arts as well since I was 8 years old. I hold black belts in 5 different styles of the martial arts and even instructed several law enforcement agencies, military teams as well as the NJState Police, and the FBI Newark based Organized Crime Unit and I doubt I would have done much better if I were loaded. I certainly know leg sweeps would have been out of the question. Sweetie, there was little you could do expecially under all those circumstances. Alcohol blurs your abilities in every way. Seriously you did more then most could have or would have.
Shit If it were me, in that position, my wife would have run in the house and called the police and by then it would have been too late. You did the heroic thing and should be proud of yourself.
*****************
*******************************


One news article said he hit me ("his girlfriend") with the tire iron. The very next paragraph speaks of his wife. They portray him as a cheater - he was separated from his wife for 9 months! He had his own place!! He'd stayed married with her for noble and sensible reasons. It makes me sick the way the incident is portrayed I can't express how wonderful he was. Please don't confuse me with the hero, HE was the hero in every sense of the word.
This is one of very few places that I can speak about him, one of very few places that I find comfort. Thanks again.

Well you can do your part now and contact the newspaper that wrote the article and make the truth be known. That is how you can come to cope with this. Clear his name.

 

[adrien_j9]

Thank you for your words. It's humiliating to think hero was used to describe me. That is the very last thing I expected to hear from anyone and was NOT my intent. Mine was the last voice he heard. I was whispering in his ear before he lost consciousness. I don't regret a word I said and am thankful (every second) for that.

Now's the question...how do his children move on? How do I move on? Any miracle pills out there?

 

[Martinogdenbsx]

RIP erik you will be missed

At least he got one of the evil bastards just a shame he was outnumbered

God rest your soul erik you won't be forgotten

Chris

 

[firestorm]

Thank you for your words. It's humiliating to think hero was used to describe me. That is the very last thing I expected to hear from anyone and was NOT my intent. Mine was the last voice he heard. I was whispering in his ear before he lost consciousness. I don't regret a word I said and am thankful (every second) for that.

Now's the question...how do his children move on? How do I move on? Any miracle pills out there?

Again I should point out....Humiliating is not the correct verbage...you meant to say embarassing which would mean your modest.
Modesty is another trait of a hero. one who does something expecting nothing in return. You continue to make my argument stronger.
Have anything else to say?????

 

[firestorm]

There are support groups out there kiddo for both grieving spouses/friends as well as those tailored for children. Look under your local government offices in your yellow pages. I think you may find something there or do a search on the net under your local governement for support groups.

 

[adrien_j9]

Again I should point out....Humiliating is not the correct verbage...you meant to say embarassing which would mean your modest.
Modesty is another trait of a hero. one who does something expecting nothing in return. You continue to make my argument stronger.
Have anything else to say?????

Holy cow do I have you hood-winked!

 

[firestorm]

Hey stay off my hood you'll scratch it and I don't care if your winking at me while your up there or not!!!! give me the ole hoodwink will ya!! hehehehe

 

[DeadBolt]

Wow this is the first time I saw the thread since my internet has been down, I'm sorry to here. He was truely a great guy and I have had plenty of convos with him.

My heart goes out to you.

What ever you may say or do it was not your fault. This thread digs up a nasty past of mine I so wanted to forget about when I was in the same shoes you were in. It was not easy to get over but time heals all wounds and I have not forgotten it but I have gotten stronger and strive to never let it happen again.

I really am sorry to hear about it and wish the best for you, I truely know what your going through and its never easy. We are here for you when ever you need, please feel free to write what ever you feel if it comforts you. I know you don't know all of us here at IM but we are all one big family...some of us closer than others...but feel free to join our family and share what you will. We will never say no.

 

[BoneCrusher]

Thank you for your words. It's humiliating to think hero was used to describe me. That is the very last thing I expected to hear from anyone and was NOT my intent. Mine was the last voice he heard. I was whispering in his ear before he lost consciousness. I don't regret a word I said and am thankful (every second) for that.

Now's the question...how do his children move on? How do I move on? Any miracle pills out there?

Is this the first time you have lost someone you love so deeply? Most people have and can offer their own personal insughts once we get the shock subdued. Use this thread like a journal if you like. Just know that you are not alone. Most of us have lost like this and can share our insights with you if you want us too. Just know that there are people that care and will be here to share the moments with.

Moving on? You already are by putting one day in front of the other. There are things that could help you with this. See your doc and follow his advice. Come here and share that advice ... we can probably kick it around and be your sounding board if you like.

 

[adrien_j9]

Yes, this is the first time I've ever lost anyone close to me. I feel the sun setting on my back and (as everything else) it reminds me of Erik. I've just broken his family's rule to me and emailed his sons. I don't know if they blame me as the rest of his family does. It's an unbearable load that I'm failing to carry. Now, I'll sit and wait.....and wait......and hope and pray to receive a return email. I spent enough time with the two of them that I fell in love with them also.
It's hard not to wallow in self pity. I know that Erik is in a better place - he can't hate himself in Heaven - so when I cry it's really because of selfish reasons. I'll never have anything with anyone that even mildly resembles the beauty I had with him. There have been so many moments in each day that I wished I were with him and honestly if it weren't for my daughter and family, I'd be there.
The home my father may lose has been in our family for 50 years?. Because of Erik dying on my father's property his family has the right to sue us, namely his estranged wife who blames me.
Erik had some valuables that they (his family) can't find and that has been tacked to my shoulders as well. I've stolen it they say. I feel as though I'm drowning, there's a physical pain in my chest - not mental! Maybe I was struck in the ribs, but I don't believe so. I've laughed since his death, at some random joke, but the pain was still there, physically. Regardless if I cry before bed, I do not sleep. Taking drugs hasn't changed that fact. I'm afraid to go back to my apartment because of the memories that choke me there, but I'm petrified of someone else living there, trampling them. I'm afraid of a future without him, afraid of everything. I can't handle that his family blames me, that they view me as his mistress. Everything cuts too far.
I haven't been to his grave yet. I don't have the strength to face it. I die that I didn't see him buried, the pallbearers and the 21 gun salute. The flag. The beauty and the closure that supposedly is there. His friends, sons, father. I'm cut out of his life in every way.
I'm thinking a good bout of hospitilization would do me good, what do you all think? I am going to start counseling, appears to be Tuesdays and Thursdays. I need to work on my optimism. Sorry to whine.

 

[Big Smoothy]

I'm so glad I'll never meet you.

Why?

 

[bulletproof1]

Why?

dont be an ass man. if you have nothing constructive to say then dont say anything. put yourself in her place.

 

[adrien_j9]

Why?

Because of your post. Why would you think? Violence is what killed him and you ask questions violently? How would you expect me to retaliate? This thread is one of minimal things I have of Erik left. I don't want nastiness or bad comments, that's all. It's not too much to ask, is it? Please, to anyone who wants to bad mouth Erik or I, don't do so in this thread, please.

 

[adrien_j9]

dont be an ass man. if you have nothing constructive to say then dont say anything. put yourself in her place.

You seem to have become my bodyguard. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. You'll never be forgotten to me. Thank you.

 

[Big Smoothy]

I did NOT say anything violent or nasty. Please re-read my posts. I liked Erik a lot and he helped me here.

 

[adrien_j9]

So I went to school today, for all of 15 minutes. I cried, I left. I've thought about adopting a puppy from the animal shelter - his name's picked out already "Ranger." I drove all over Grand Rapids, lost in the not-so-safe part of town and cried. I've started smoking (he would KICK MY ASS!) and it feels good. I've lost 10 pounds of muscle in the last week alone. Erik would say I looked terrible, he was forward that way, but never in a hurtful tone. I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and it makes me feel a range of emotions. Anger that they can, don't they care? Terror of being alone with no one to talk to. Life is supposed to continue on, but the only solstice I feel is typing at my fucking computer.
I'm sure his cottage is empty now. I want to go there, I've found his keys, but I am afraid. I think I'm purposely torturing myself. Looking at his pictures, listening to the most suicidal music known to man. Smelling his sweatshirt that I would go to prison for before returning. I have receipts of items we'd bought, reusable athletic tape that smells like him. His work shirt. I don't have family to reminisce with about him, I didn't know his friends - we were inseparable. The boys haven't returned my email (absolutely no hard feelings whatsoever, they have it worse by leagues.) The last thing he said to me was "only you." I swear if hearts could have flown from his eyes, they would have. This was before the fight. He had such a sweet smile.

 

[adrien_j9]

Look,

I asked a question. What the f*ck happened.

Thanks in advance! Answer my fuggin' question.

I'm glad to know that you liked Erik, he was a wonderful man. I've re-read this post, enough. I'm sorry that I didn't answer your question in a timely enough manner for you to get the story. The fact is, the whole story can't come out right now because of the lawsuits pending. Does that answer your fuggin' question? I don't want to alienate ANYONE who liked Erik, so please understand the harshness of your statement for me. If I misread your quote and mistook it for too hostile, and that wasn't your intent, than I am truly sorry.

 

[Big Smoothy]

This will be my last post on this thread.

I wish you all the best Adrien_j9. We are all human beings that are connected by this forum. Peace to you and everyone.

 

[adrien_j9]

This will be my last post on this thread.

I wish you all the best Adrien_j9. We are all human beings that are connected by this forum. Peace to you and everyone.

I hope I haven't offended you. Thank you for your wishes, same to you.

 

[Fade]

If there was as many people as it sounds like they should have helped your ex restrained him. The dumbass with the shotgun set him off. That would set most anyone off.

Where did get the tire iron from so quickly.

It flat out should not have gone as far as it did. It's not your fault. You need to break that kind of thinking. You're depressed enough as it is.


Sorry for your loss. It'll take time but time heals all wounds, however a scar will remain....believe me...I know.

 

[Arnold]

I see everyone around me moving on with their lives and it makes me feel a range of emotions. Anger that they can, don't they care?

everyone grieves in different ways.

 

[adrien_j9]

I'm in a positive mood right now. It's time I get out of the funk and start back at life. I've erased all the sad, crybaby songs from my MP3 player and am downloading songs to workout to. Rob Zombie a depression killer? Hmmm. I plan to hyper start my workouts now. It's been two weeks. I need to do a life flip-flop. I'm soon to leave and hit the gym with fervor that I've never held. *fingers crossed* Erik was about life-long health. It's time that I jump back on the band wagon.

I can't even begin to express how helpful you all have been. Thank you from the very depths of my heart. I will get through this.

 

[DeadBolt]

I'm in a positive mood right now. It's time I get out of the funk and start back at life. I've erased all the sad, crybaby songs from my MP3 player and am downloading songs to workout to. Rob Zombie a depression killer? Hmmm. I plan to hyper start my workouts now. It's been two weeks. I need to do a life flip-flop. I'm soon to leave and hit the gym with fervor that I've never held. *fingers crossed* Erik was about life-long health. It's time that I jump back on the band wagon.

I can't even begin to express how helpful you all have been. Thank you from the very depths of my heart. I will get through this.

Congrats on the new found feelings! Now get your toosh in the gym and make them muskles grow! Join the band wagon and stick with us here, no one ever gets put in the wrong direction here.

 

[Muscle_Girl]

I am sorry for what happened, and obviously I don't know the truth. But the story is really conusing, this is how I see it:
You took your boyfriend to your exes bachelor party? How long have you been seeing Erik, and how old are you, noticed you mentioned school, not sure whether its high school or university/college. Not sure what drugs you have gotten yourself into, but thats not a pain reliever, it will come back after the buzz is gone. I have a little more to ask and say, but I need a few answers if you can please.. not prying, trying to understand a little more. I am sorry for your loss.

 

[adrien_j9]

I am sorry for what happened, and obviously I don't know the truth. But the story is really conusing, this is how I see it:
You took your boyfriend to your exes bachelor party? How long have you been seeing Erik, and how old are you, noticed you mentioned school, not sure whether its high school or university/college. Not sure what drugs you have gotten yourself into, but thats not a pain reliever, it will come back after the buzz is gone. I have a little more to ask and say, but I need a few answers if you can please.. not prying, trying to understand a little more. I am sorry for your loss.

These are all great questions. Hmmm, how to start. I'm in college, too old to be so. My ex is(was) one of my very best friends. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in his wedding before Erik died. My father was also a groomsmen. We're all very close. My father was still involved but I backed out knowing his killer was there (cousin of the bride - my daughter's step cousin now.) The drugs I was referring to were Valium and/or Xantax, nothing illegal. I haven't been on anything for two days now. I wasn't with Erik nearly long enough. 7 months was all. But it was more than enough time to recognize my soulmate.

 

[adrien_j9]

Went to the gym tonight. Worked every damn muscle group in my body, save the forearms. Those get worked enough in class (massage therapy.) I'm so tired from my workout my whole body is trembling.
Tonights the first night staying at my apartment. I am alone - part of me is glad about that - the other part is scared and very sad. I worked after my workout (I work at the gym, cool huh?) That went well, his memory was all around me, his locker empty but I did not cry. This may sound psychotic, but I talk to him like he's in the room. This will sound even more psychotic: I believe he is in the room with me. I refuse to believe that it's a coping mechanism. His spirit is with everyone who knew and loved him.

http://www.legacy.com/grandrapids/Guestbook.asp?Page=Guestbook&PersonID=2633491

This is the website for Erik's guestbook. It's a way to communicate to the family. Most people leave small messages: words of encouragement, sympathy... It's a wonderful idea. I'm a small person (not physically) and it bothers me that more words of sympathy are offered to his estranged wife and her children, than his own boys, Jake and Nick. If anyone is interested, that is!

Time to face the demon in my room. I must admit that I'm feeling nausea at the thought of it. My poor roommate upstairs is going to be so confused when he hears me talking to myself down there.

 

[adrien_j9]

Where did get the tire iron from so quickly.

It was inside his Jeep, another block of guilt on my shoulders...I cleaned his Jeep for him and tucked it along the side of the driver's seat. I couldn't have put it in more prime a location - I may as well have placed the damn thing in his hand for him. It was a T-bar, it was a single bar.

I know he doesn't think it's my fault, so I'm working on not believing it is. Tough work!

 

[adrien_j9]

Failure of a day. I made it through two hours of school before having to leave. My instructor gave me a chair massage and I broke down. Checked my email and the boys haven't sent me anything. I feel so cut out of his life and memories.
Took my test that I missed. 89%. Better than I thought I'd do, but I was head of my class. Not any longer. I ordered my table today, don't care. I thought about going to his grave site again, but can't see how I'd make it home. I miss him soo much, it's eating me alive. Most people have common friends to share memories with. The mutual friends we had betrayed me that night. My roommate had stated that Erik wasn't allowed to come into our home again - of course this was before he was declared braindead. My daughter's Dad had screamed at me that if I ever allowed Erik around Adrien again, he'd take custody from me.
How do I move past this point?

 

[MTN WARRIOR]

Sorry for your loss, regardless of the circumstances. It will be very hard to move on. Iwould suggest that you seek some counseling. No offense to all of us on this board, but we are not trained (although there is probably someone here) in this type thing. All we can do is offer support. You need to speak to a professional sweety. It doesnt make you crazy or stupid or give you any reason to be embarassed to see a counselor, it makes you better.

 

[BoneCrusher]

Failure of a day. I made it through two hours of school before having to leave. My instructor gave me a chair massage and I broke down. Checked my email and the boys haven't sent me anything. I feel so cut out of his life and memories.
Took my test that I missed. 89%. Better than I thought I'd do, but I was head of my class. Not any longer. I ordered my table today, don't care. I thought about going to his grave site again, but can't see how I'd make it home. I miss him soo much, it's eating me alive. Most people have common friends to share memories with. The mutual friends we had betrayed me that night. My roommate had stated that Erik wasn't allowed to come into our home again - of course this was before he was declared braindead. My daughter's Dad had screamed at me that if I ever allowed Erik around Adrien again, he'd take custody from me.
How do I move past this point?

It is good to see that you are in a forward mode now. You are going to go through so many emotionally related events that failure will often LOOK like the result. Fact is you did win this day. You got up and got out of your apt and put one foot in front of the other. Did you hit a home run this day? No. Will you hit the ball out of the park everyday? no. Should you put yourself down for this? no. Should you devalue the attempt? No. Are you going to let the fact that you feel less effective today stop you from moving forward tomorrow? Hell no. Now ask yourself again if today was a failure after all ... no is the only honest answer. Crawling into your loss and misery and not dealing with it, not working, not attending to the needs of your body, and just giving in to the dark side of dispare would be a day to write into the failure column ... you will experience those days of failure too. This was not one of those days though.

It is good to see you as you go through the upswing you are on. Thanks for sharing it. Some of us are on our own journies from a bad situation to a new life. Seeing you go through your strugles helps me to deal with mine.