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Remembering Erik

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The pain you endure now will enlighten and educate you just a weeee bit more about the human experience. You're not a tard Adrien ... you'll soak this up and get on with the good parts of life. I see the healing take place in every word you post. You started off here wanting to be dead. Now death is not an option you consider as an acceptable solution to the pain you suffer. Somewhere somewhen someone will need you to help them get through their misery. Various people helped me through mine 3 times in 10 years and now you helped me right here right now. Seeing you cope affirms my own sense of worth. People ... humanity ... the strangers we see from day to day can and will reach out and touch each other in the most humane ways conceivable at the least likely times. Look at the 9/11 tragedy. We ... the United Sates of America ... gave so much blood we were asked to stop. The blood banks were out of room.

You'll react to someone else's pain sometime. It all comes and goes around
 
If you ever need to talk or need words of encouragement, I'm your girl. Lord knows, I can't even count how many times you've helped me!!!
 
Firestorm, are you there????? I was skimming through everyones words, and Firstorm was a hero for me too. Maniclion as well. I'm not sure what I did or said to deserve such cool people to talk with, but.......COME BACK AND TALK TO ME!!! Just kidding. To any who read this, if these two, and Bonecrusher speak with you - you'd better listen and take their words to heart!!! You guys rule! Thank you all!!

If anyone feels left out, I'm so sorry. It's uhhhh, because you already know you're number one!!!
 
I was supposed to meet with my new therapist yesterday, 9:30 am sharp. I sat in the waiting room for twenty minutes. They called me back to complete paperwork. Went back to the waiting room. I couldn't help thinking, "this is my life now. This is my life," I was surrounded by agony and pain. Nut jobs in pink slippers. Three weeks ago I was in Heaven, now I've been deposited in Hell. I sat in this waiting room for another twenty minutes, leaving five minutes of my appointment time left. The receptionist asked me what I was waiting for, and laughed when I told her. I got up and left. I'd brought Hannah, my dog, with me and we drove back home. I broke down in the car, went to Erik's cottage (that's now for rent and totally empty) and cried some more. Went home. And what did I find? A message from Erik's estranged wife. Sweet as can be, acting as though we were the best of friends. Do I need to recap what she's done??? Needless to say, I haven't returned her call. In fact, I'll never return her call.
Monday shall be a day for pursuing a different counseling facility. One without pink slippers, hopefully. Yesterday was fucking horrible. MY GOD!
Today, not too bad. However, with the way that my life has been going lately, I'm waiting for the devil to be at my door; a bomb to take out just my side of the condo; a unicorn to stab me in the heart........
 
Afternoon Adrien. I see you are practicing your coping skills today. Just wondered why you took your dog with you to therapy? When I first started getting my head shrunk I thought I was gonna scream the closer I got to the counselor???s office. My demons rattled their chains and I was sooooo defensive. Everyone knew the last conversation with my mother was when she asked me to drive her to LAX. I was a 17-year-old kid in LA with a birthday party to go to (mine) so I told her I was too busy and to get a cab. Actually I said ???Mom I don???t feel like driving all the way the hell out to LAX and back can ya catch a cab???? and she was cool about it and let me off the hook. Never saw her conscious again after that. Those were my last words to her. I waived even too ??? no hug ??? no ???have a good flight??? ??? no ???love ya mom see ya in a couple of weeks??? ??? I just waived her off.

I soooo did not want to confront that memory it freaked me out every time I went in the direction of my shrink that I missed half the first 10 appointments. He started coming to my house when I missed showing up. I found out later that he had a deal with my roommate to confirm I was home before he made the trip. Sneaky shrink. Anyway I eventually had to fess up all the dark stuff. It was like being on drugs ??? for days at a time I would feel the affects of the conversations with the dude. Increased anger at strangers, no self-tolerance for simple mistakes, and a way increased impulsivity response to random thoughts. After a few months I was past all that but getting there sucked at first. I was a wreak before anyway so I needed to do it but it was a rough start.
 
Larry, I'm so sorry. I understand every emotion you speak of. I know that I will get through this, history has proven that life does, indeed, continue. My heart or body or whatever just disagrees.

I was online just a little while ago. One of the girls that I used to do daycare (and had met Erik) IM'd me. She asked how I was doing and I had to tell her that Erik had passed away. She said that she was sad. She said that Erik was nice. I wish it wasn't such a sensitive subject for me. I wish that I would hurry up and get over it already. Today is day three of Prozac. I'm anxiously awaiting it's magical affects to take over my body. I'd love a good nights sleep.
This is all just so fucked up. It doesn't make sense to me and that certainly doesn't help. People moving on. People laughing. People acting as though it never happened. I know this is all normal, and I know that it's irrational for me to resent them, but I still do. Here's the hypocracy, I've laughed since he died as well. But it's always there, like a pill stuck in my throat. I can never have an hour, hell not even fifteen minutes when I'm not thinking about him. Even if I'm following a movie or some other distraction, the "pill" is still stuck in my throat. The pain, which is very physical as well as mental and emotional, is ALWAYS there. I'm forgetting what it was like to be with him. I'm losing memory of the time we spent together. I am bored through out the day, and I can't remember what Erik and I would be doing if he were with me. This throws me into severe depression. Hell, everything does. Three weeks tomorrow, 6ish or so the bastard pastor told me. Erik and I have NEVER been apart this long. And I'll never see him again. Will I?
 
Went to the grave that I made for Erik today. It's bizarre, I felt better leaving than I did coming there. Maybe he's there, giving me strength. I don't know. Three weeks in an hour. Life continues and my day isn't too bad having visited with him. I haven't been to his "official" grave yet. I'm going to go *gulp* this Sunday on his birthday. He would have been 38. I hope his boys, sister, and all other family are recovering.
 
Hello Adrien. Looks like your getting on and doing well as the days pass. I am glad to see that. You are strong person and it shows. Keep up the good work!!
 
Hey Bonecrusher.....I love you!!!!
 
Hi everyone! I'm new to this site and I was invited here by Adrien_j9. ( She's my beotch.)
 
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Rocky_Road said:
Hi everyone! I'm new to this site ans I was invited here by Adrien_j9. ( She's my beotch.)
Click to expand...



SHLLLLLLLLA!!!!! It's about damn time you joined!!!!!!!
 
I have an idea that two certain boys, 12 and 14 years old, have been reading this thread. You have a special interest that no others have. If you are, and you see this now, there is a whole different story than what you've heard. If you are interested in hearing what I know, email me anytime. Nothing is as it first appears.
 
Holy cow. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing about the 12 and 14 yr. old boys given what's been posted......
 
Rocky_Road said:
Holy cow. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing about the 12 and 14 yr. old boys given what's been posted......
Click to expand...


It's a bad thing. But, maybe not. Depends on if they contact me.
 
Ask yourself a question. Why am I talking to his ex? What benefit do I receive, aside from insults? I post a passage from Erik's favorite book, He told me it was his favorite, on his guestbook. They assume that I'm portraying to know him better than anyone. I'm not so moronic that I can't figure out 7 months is less than 5 years, 12 years, 14 years and so on. He told me that was his favorite passage. Why would I make it up? Because I like to be attacked? Nick, if you are reading this, there's more to the story than what you are catching. Ask yourself why would I stay in contact with your mom? Why would I want to befriend someone who hated Erik? Now ask yourself why do I want to get to you guys? If you don't know, contact me.
 
They've removed Erik's online guestbook. It was supposed to stay posted until the 21st. There was an option of sponsorship and now the whole damn thing is gone. Who would do that? And why?
 
I can't believe that Diana would do that. How cruel. I actually feel kind of bad for her that she's that bitter towards Erik. She's one of those people who will never be happy. How tragic for her sons.
 
"They" came and picked up the things that Erik left at my house tonight. I had the police there to verify that I relinquished his belongings. I'll bet that ruined their plans for attack. Now if only the fucking investigation could be finished.

I've decided to give up on reaching his kids for now. They hate me, naturally. I want to tell them what is the truth, but they aren't ready to listen to me. I just want them to know that their Dad was a different person that what others are saying about him. I want them to know IF he was, indeed, like what people are saying, that he'd changed. He was perfect to me and mine. I've been writing journals, and including this thread, have a lot of memories logged. It's very therapeutic. I miss him a lot, but have begun the process of getting my life back in order. Three weeks, two days down...
 
Today was classified as a good day. I received only one negative email, life is good. Visited with my baby nephew, first man child in the family!!! I love good days!!
 
More good days and less bad days or in order for you Adrien. Both Kerry and Bush have added that to their platforms "Adrien will get a break and is required to enjoy life" is a bill co-sponsered and passed in both houses. It's law now Adrien ... you gotta live and like it kid. :rocker:
 
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Hi Adrien

I thought I would say a quick hello while I had the chance. I've been very busy at work these past weeks and I don't get much time to visit the site. How is Hannah doing? You sound much better in your latest posts, and I think it's great that your friend joined in too - BTW - Welcome Rocky Road, nice to meet you.

Keep up the good spirits Adrien you'll do fine... talk to you again soon.
 
:banana: :kiss: BoneCrusher, Jo-Anna,
thanks for stopping by. I love when people post in here. It's become quite a journal for me, and VERY therapeutic. But it's nice to know that people are willing to wade through the drama and self-pity to leave me a note. Thanks, so much!!!
 
First weekend alone. My sister made plans for me to hang with her and my parents. She's so thoughtful. My mind keeps skipping back to what Erik and I would be doing right now. He was supposed to be leaving next week for a week long bird hunting trip. I know that his friends are still planning on going. It makes me sad.
There's a gym down the road from me that I'm going to harass to employ me. Working in a gym spoiled me, I have to find another to work in. Regular jobs aren't for me anymore, not until I'm finished with school.
This sunday would have been Erik's birthday. I'm hoping to grow some balls and visit his gravesite for the first time. The real one for veterans. We'll see if I make it.
It's all still, very much, in my mind. The investigation has taken a turn, but is still incomplete. I wonder when the Prosecuting Attorney will make her decision? I still hope they fry. Who ever said I was a nice person?
 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIK!!!!

Erik would be 38 today. If anyone has walked away from this thread with any thoughts, I hope they are thoughts that remind you to cherish who you have in your life. That would be my one wish. Life ends, without warning, leaving those who knew the deceased with regrets and sadness.
I was lucky, very lucky - I was able to tell Erik just how special and important he was to me, how much I loved him, and how great a difference he made in my life before he died. Mine were the last words that he heard before losing consciousness. That is a gift to me, and one that I will cherish for the remainder of my life.
Love the people around you, tell them how special they are to you, make someone's day. You'll never know just how great an effect you have on that person' life.
Happy birthday, baby, I love you.
 
Happy Birthday Erik. Try to keep your head up, hon. Think of all the happy times you and Erik had. Let today be a celebration of his life instead of a hurtful reminder. Love ya...
 
I'm not sure if today is a good day or not. It was this morning, not so in the afternoon. We'll see about tonight. I hate that I'm so weak, I hate that my life is at a standstill. That one dude is right, all I do IS whine. Is there a time period that is standard for grieving? I spoke with his sister, she and their mother had a horrible day yesterday. It's to be expected, of course, but it kills me nonetheless. I feel so horrible, so sick over his death. I just don't understand why this happened. I don't understand how God would allow it. He was a father, a son, a friend. He was my best friend and my hero. He was better than any other man I've ever met. He was brilliant, athletic, gorgeous, kind. I miss him very much. I think about nothing but him.
 
Only thing that really helps is time ... all the other stuff is only as good as you make it Adrien. You are a strong person as your posts show. You still have a life and need to live it ... please be sure to get out and get somewhere hun. The pain will always be ready to come up and take ahold of you ... if you allow that to happen. I miss my brothers sooooooo much so many times a week it is hard to explain it in words. I can't really. But ... we move on and look for the good things we have from the one we lose. My brother Chris helped invent the breathing unit that stops convicted drunk drivers from starting their cars while drinking. He saved lives with that little gadget. The good stuff makes me smile at his memory. Makes me proud he loved me, and makes me know I am worth something after all just because he thought so.

If Eric was all that you remember him to be than you are someone special too Adrien as he chose you in his life as his. Ask your self what he would want you to do with your life and then consider these thoughts as his advice to you. I ask my self what my mother would be thinking of me when I consider some things ... and form a decision from those thoughts. Sound strange?
 
Erik hated weakness. That thought is in my head everyday. He would be pissed if he saw how mopey I get. I did get out today, I took my dog down a bike trail for miles.... I'm gearing up for a great workout tonight, too. It's bizarre - depression. I LOVE the feeling of accomplishment, it's a natural high. I love fighting in TKD and winning is almost better than sex. So why do I avoid these things so much? Why do I hide out in my home and ignore people? I'm not sure. But I'm making the steps necessary to put my world back in order. I suppose I'm just needy - I need people to kick my ass into gear.

Oh yeah.....thanks for the kick. :thumb:
 
I'm always available to give you some good ol' ass kickin'. Course, I'm sure you'd pull out some tae kwon do (sp) and whoop me......
 
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