Rude Comments jokes

[david]

Some old but still good. Start using them on your boss, friend's and whoever else your mad at!Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

 

[ALBOB]

The Performance Review Everyone Can Understand
>
>NAME:____________________ DATE OF REVIEW ____________________
>
>KNOWLEDGE:
>1. ___ The son-of-a-bitch really knows his shit.
>2. ___ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
>3. ___ Only has half a brain and is dangerous.
>4. ___ Fucking brain damage. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.
>
>ACCURACY:
>1. ___ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with sexual fantasies.
>2. ___ Pretty good, only occasionally blows it out his ass.
>3. ___ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten.
>4. ___ Couldn't count his balls and get the same answer twice.
>
>RELIABILITY:
>1. ___ Really dependable little asshole.
>2. ___ Can rely on him at evaluation time.
>3. ___ Can rely on him to be the first one out the door.
>4. ___ Totally fucking worthless.
>
>ATTITUDE:
>1. ___ Extremely cooperative (kisses ass frequently).
>2. ___ Brown noser in poor standing.
>3. ___ Often pisses off co-workers. Thinks that's his job.
>4. ___ Doesn't give a shit; never did; never will.
>
>APPEARANCE:
>1. ___ Extremely neat, spends a lot of time combing his hair.
>2. ___ Looks great at evaluation time.
>3. ___ Can rely on him to be the first one out the door.
>4. ___ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.
>
>PERFORMANCE:
>1. ___ Goes like a son-of-a-bitch if there's money in it.
>2. ___ Does okay around evaluation time.
>3. ___ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
>4. ___ Couldn't do less work if he was in a coma.
>
>LEADERSHIP:
>1. ___ Carries a chainsaw and gets good results.
>2. ___ Occasionally gets told to back off.
>3. ___ Mother Teresa would have told him to fuck off.
>4. ___ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to fresh meat.

 

[ALBOB]

These are taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of Fortune Magazine:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

 

[david]

Those are great especially the morons that listed that on their resumes. Copy and paste time blasting that one out to my friend's!

This is GREAT!

 

[rajasingam]

YEAH I AGREE WITH U DAVID . CAUTION:BEWARE " THE MORONS R OUT THERE"

 

[CRASHMAN]

i actully teard up on a couple of those they were hella funny

 

[bigss75]

 

[rajasingam]

thanks crashman

 

[CRASHMAN]

your welcome....?

 

[rajasingam]

well i was bored so i played some pranks on u

 

[david]

Originally posted by rajasingam
well i was bored so i played some pranks on u ::

Where's the joke, raja-dude?

 

[CRASHMAN]

i think by confusing us he pulled a prank......that bastard

 

[rajasingam]

dave ,crashman is more intelligent than u.Why am i not surprised.

 

[rajasingam]

Originally posted by rajasingam
dave ,crashman is more intelligent than u.Why am i not surprised. :: ::

Am i good or am i good

 

[CRASHMAN]

Originally posted by rajasingam
crashman is more intelligent than u

 

[david]

Originally posted by rajasingam
Am i good or am i good

Whether he's smarter or whether he's not, that really wasn't the issue here. Oh, I got your silly little prank in the first place and due to the lack of the comedy I posed the question anyways hoping you'd have a better answer than this. Stand in line son, Auditions for "Tommy Boy 2" is coming out and I do believe, you'll get the part!

 

[rajasingam]

Originally posted by davidjasondean


Whether he's smarter or whether he's not, that really wasn't the issue here. Oh, I got your silly little prank in the first place and due to the lack of the comedy I posed the question anyways hoping you'd have a better answer than this. Stand in line son, Auditions for "Tommy Boy 2" is coming out and I do believe, you'll get the part!

thanks dave, i hope so too.

 

[david]

no problem

 

[CRASHMAN]

Originally posted by davidjasondean
no problem

theres one i'm smarter than you hahahahhaah

 

[rajasingam]

you tell him crashman