Oh, I love the pain and abuse too, it's just the thought of fractures and not being able to walk (since it is in both legs) that makes me a little cautious. Also, my coaches over there want me on a lighter load until everything heals up. I still roll and do all the techniques and all the warm-ups except the sprinting (I also can't do penetration steps and most take-downs without feeling like my leg is about to snap).
Almost everyone I've talked to there has had these things and they all understand the pain. They suggested I rest everything too, drink lots of water, calcium, glucosamine, etc.
Sorry if this all sounds like an angry rant, I've just been pissed off for the last few days at everything. I can't tell if it is all my fault or not, or if everyone just hates me for maybe coming off as weak. I always punish myself to an extreme, then find out that I was completely over-reacting, but I still feel all depressed angry and lonely. I'm especailly pissed off because of my performance (or lack thereof) in class all of last week. I also lack the ability to express most emotions besides extremely angry, and very happy (which comes off as kind of clingy and I start getting sort of attached to people) - I usually stay in the middle and can't always find the way to say what I'm feeling to anyone without breaking down in tears, or yelling at them, so I just keep my mouth shut, put on a fake smile and nod my head, then try to release or dissipate that anger or extreme happiness in private (especially the anger - I beat the hell out of my car's dashboard sometimes - after calls from Mom, or feeling like a complete failure in front of the other guys - God Damn that shit pisses me off so much




- this was some of the fun I had today at the tournament I went to with all the others from class).
I think this rant is over, I just have to go breath into a paper bag and try to sleep now. I'll probably post some of the video from the tournament in my journal in a little while, most of them did very well, my friend placed in the top three in his weight class (Light Heavyweight), I congratulated him and chatted with my instructor, who was so happy I came out the see everything (he was also refereeing some of the matches), so that all kind of made me happy and offset some of the negative feelings I had (now that I think about it , I always have a problem in large crowds and there were probably upwards of a thousand people there - I did start having slight anxiety attacks and ducked out much earlier than I expected


). Oh well, good night everyone!
PS - Hoglander and P-Funk, I did not intend for any of these posts to sound like I'm directing anything at either of you (or anyone here), everyone has been so good to me, and I'm very appreciative, just extremely frustrated. The pain has lessened a lot but just thinking that I'm probably coming off as weak to everyone else in class just makes me so damn angry (I hate these physical limitations, I wish I could just get rid of these tourettes and become just a little more average sometimes and not be such a freak).