The female sex drive.

[independent]

My love language are 2 really, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, and Robs feel love by Acts of Service.

You are exactly like my wife. She needs a hug everyday and me to tell her something special. For me it doesnt come natural to do that and it has put a strain on our marriage in the past. Im a moody person, and I tend to keep my emotions to myself. Not healthy for a strong marriage but Im working on it.

 

[Gissurjon]

People who are experiencing depression won't come out and say it as easily...........It seems to be all about the sex for you. Women are completely different creatures, its all about whats NOT in the bedroom that is sex drive. ...... You are probably at that point where she feels any good gesture you give is only an attempt for sex. I suggest you change it up, plan an evening, a day, a weekend -- and DON'T expect sex, don't push her for sex.. let her feel good mentally. Maybe she needs a reminder that it isn't just sex between you two anymore.

#1. you are right, they wont just come out and say it but being depressed is one thing. Being flat out mean to your spouse when it comes to his/her emotions is another story. thats called abuse.
#2. how does it seem to be all about sex? he has been giving the permission to have sex with anybody he wants to!! if it was about just getting off he would go do that! why do women say stuff like this "all about sex" ?? if a man refuses to get a job and you say something are you then only with him because of a job?
3# This is a man who does not cheat even with permission, you think he doesnt do those things? hes been starved for years im pretty sure he tried running her a bath already.

Leave her alone. You are just mad because your sexual desire is not met. There is nothing wrong with her. She must be going through tough times because of school and other stressful things. If you can help her get through this tough times then help her. Otherwise don't stress her more by making feel like she owes you sex.
You can make her life less stressful by doing followings:
1. Help with kid.
2. Do house works
3. Don't make her feel like something is wrong with her.
4. Let her know that her well being is more important to you than your sexual need.
5. Give her Suntheanine.
Can you think of more?

I get the "stressed out" part but seriously, she says stuff like "i gave you a kiss this morning". A stressed out wife that loves her husband might lose her sex drive but becoming mean when someone tries to express their feelings has nothing to do with workload.

My man! im sorry for your situation Ive been married for 4 years and have a 2 year old son, me and my wife went through a period where sex drive was non-existing but she never was mean and even apologized and ,what more important, found a way to get better. A woman can lack a sex drive but if she doesnt understand the importance and doesnt want to change it there is no point.

think long and hard but getting out might be better now to minimize the effect it will have on your child, it doesnt get easier as kids get older

and one more thing. Women PLEASE stop doing things for a man in the beginning that you know you wont keep doing after marriage. I know thats not always the case but some of my female friends have admitted to put out "all the goods" to get a man.. then arent willing to do the same to keep him so he leaves and becomes an asshole who is about nothing but sex

 

[CellarDoor]

#1. you are right, they wont just come out and say it but being depressed is one thing. Being flat out mean to your spouse when it comes to his/her emotions is another story. thats called abuse.
#2. how does it seem to be all about sex? he has been giving the permission to have sex with anybody he wants to!! if it was about just getting off he would go do that! why do women say stuff like this "all about sex" ?? if a man refuses to get a job and you say something are you then only with him because of a job?
3# This is a man who does not cheat even with permission, you think he doesnt do those things? hes been starved for years im pretty sure he tried running her a bath already.



I get the "stressed out" part but seriously, she says stuff like "i gave you a kiss this morning". A stressed out wife that loves her husband might lose her sex drive but becoming mean when someone tries to express their feelings has nothing to do with workload.

My man! im sorry for your situation Ive been married for 4 years and have a 2 year old son, me and my wife went through a period where sex drive was non-existing but she never was mean and even apologized and ,what more important, found a way to get better. A woman can lack a sex drive but if she doesnt understand the importance and doesnt want to change it there is no point.

think long and hard but getting out might be better now to minimize the effect it will have on your child, it doesnt get easier as kids get older

and one more thing. Women PLEASE stop doing things for a man in the beginning that you know you wont keep doing after marriage. I know thats not always the case but some of my female friends have admitted to put out "all the goods" to get a man.. then arent willing to do the same to keep him so he leaves and becomes an asshole who is about nothing but sex

^^^ This

Good post

 

[Ravager]

Ravager, pay attention to this post. CellarDoor is right.

I was in a marriage that sounds exactly the same. She flipped the crazy switch after having a child. My child probably thinks all parents live in separate rooms.

Everybody is marveling that your wife was wet - bah! My ex would come every time - usually fairly quickly - then lay there "Go ahead, you can finish." We would go for longer than a week - she might tell me no for months. So what does it matter that she actually liked it when we did it if we went for months without it?

I kept trying to make things work and burned through my prime years, which is what you wrote that you fear you are doing. Well, you are.

She will divorce you. It may not be today, it may not even be this year, but it is coming. It took my ex more than 9 years to get around to it after she started with her nonsense. All the while I did everything I could to save the marriage and keep my family together. Nothing I did mattered, and she basically told me so. "Things have been great the last 6 months, but I just do not know if I care to work on it anymore," she would say. Our marriage counselor fired us (that's right, told us not to come back) because she would not do anything he said - and that is after she dragged me there. I was reluctant to go, but I decided as long as I was there I was going to do what I could. She refused to work on it after dragging me there.

By the way - we were great before that - sex all the time.

You might try out marital counseling. At least that will get the issues out in the open.

Sorry to bear the bad news, but I have been there, done that. Your situation looks all too familiar to me.

...Your probably right bro.


Refused counceling. Would not look me in the eye and tell me if she wanted to make this marriage work, but didn't say otherwise either. Just keep saying its all because the lil' one is up her ass always. (and she is) ...

I'm on borrowed time. Being played for a fool. Or just stressful times for her and I should be supportive?

Figures it takes 2 to make a marriage and you can't even fully count on your wife, who the fuck can you count on?

So -

I think I wont push any issues until school is over for her.

I will make extra effort to be there graduation and when we go out afterwords I'll be able to see if we are still friends or not.

We never go out, never do anything really. Kids getting older, we'll have more time together for sure.

I don't even know what I want anymore.........

Either way, you ALL have been super helpful, and this has been really great and helpful to me. Also great to get to know you guys.

If anyone' looking for a Fbuddy who's city just brought home the Stanley Cup, then send me a PM

 

[Little Wing]

i was the most doting of mothers, Tess was always in my arms. that still left plenty of long nights where she slept PLENTY of time for sexcapades. kids are not that big of a barrier to sex or there would not be such a thing as siblings.


she only ever interrupted us once. THAT made us unable to resume sexual activity for aprox 1 week.

 

[Ravager]

Your right ^^ It's always good to do that. I absolutely agree.

But she do the same. How do you think it makes him feel to have her say ok to sex and just lay there? This man married her, it's not a one night stand. He wants to have sex with her cause he loves her. I'm sure she makes him feel like he's using her. Think about what a mind fuck that is. You feel like your violating your own wife.

The thing is, he would rather have really bad sex with his wife then fuck a stranger that will participate and probably make him feel like he's worth something. IMO this is a big reason some men cheat on their wives. Some women refuse sex, make the dude feel absolute crap for even daring to ask. Then when they do say yes it's nothing but another guilt trip because she is laying there asking r u done yet? But boys, don't you dare try to get it from someone that is actually interested in you cause then your the asshole.

I tell ya, I feel sorry for some of you men.

 

[Gena Marie]

You are exactly like my wife. She needs a hug everyday and me to tell her something special. For me it doesnt come natural to do that and it has put a strain on our marriage in the past. Im a moody person, and I tend to keep my emotions to myself. Not healthy for a strong marriage but Im working on it.

Prince is the same way. It is hard for him. He does his best, but I have to remind him from time to time. Communication is key.

 

[Gena Marie]

#
and one more thing. Women PLEASE stop doing things for a man in the beginning that you know you wont keep doing after marriage. I know thats not always the case but some of my female friends have admitted to put out "all the goods" to get a man.. then arent willing to do the same to keep him so he leaves and becomes an asshole who is about nothing but sex

I fully agree. Boys do the same. What you do in the beginning to win us over, don't stop. That is why we fell for you in the 1st place.
I don't understand those girls who use the poon tang to get a guy, then holds it hostage once she has him, or better yet, use it to get things. I think that shit is messed up. I knew a chick like that and I wanted to punch her in the face. Hell, still do.

 

[Muscle_Girl]

What people do in the beginning of relationships is fake most of the time. They put on a show, do the things they think the other person wants them to do, then eventually get comfortable and resume with their regular routines. Really, the best thing you can do when starting a relationship is to cut the shit and be yourself.. they will find out eventually.

I had a long stretch of time where my ex thought I was withholding sex from him, he would accuse me of it on occasion, joke about it, etc. Looking back, I think I was a little depressed and honestly wasn't into anything sexual, I never thought in my mind to withhold. I think I just have a low sex drive to begin with, and with birth control on top of that, I was numb.. not to mention I had no clue how to tell him what I wanted, so I didn't get much pleasure. Take it from me, not all females have it in their mind: "All he wants is sex, so I'm not gonna give it to him" Sometimes its just a few connecting factors that throw it all out of wack.

I think a lot of men, and society in general, have lead us to believe that they don't need the affection, simple gestures and support that they crave most of the time. And again, society has often made it difficult for men to admit these desires, cause its not "manly". When I was a little younger, I was shocked to realize that guys needed these things. But, you can't know what they need if they can't describe it to you.. everyones different.

 

[Built]

Chris Rock on sex.

YouTube Video

Go to 6:40

"If we like it, it's on the menu"

 

[Darkcity]

Your right ^^ It's always good to do that. I absolutely agree.

But she do the same. How do you think it makes him feel to have her say ok to sex and just lay there? This man married her, it's not a one night stand. He wants to have sex with her cause he loves her. I'm sure she makes him feel like he's using her. Think about what a mind fuck that is. You feel like your violating your own wife.

The thing is, he would rather have really bad sex with his wife then fuck a stranger that will participate and probably make him feel like he's worth something. IMO this is a big reason some men cheat on their wives. Some women refuse sex, make the dude feel absolute crap for even daring to ask. Then when they do say yes it's nothing but another guilt trip because she is laying there asking r u done yet? But boys, don't you dare try to get it from someone that is actually interested in you cause then your the asshole.

I tell ya, I feel sorry for some of you men.

WOW you are right on point with that one I deal with the same shit as this man. Not my thread but this has made my day reading it and i wish she could understand this. thnx

 

[Ravager]

Jerked, tan and Desirable, I sweat confidence.

Here is my plan.

I was able to get some info out of her, and she bringing up some fighting words from a month ago fight.... I guess you gals really do hold on to this crap..

Anyhow, I sinscerely apologized to her, told her I'm sorry, and I want to make her happy not hurt her.

I am going to make a huge effort to become 'friends' with her again, and go out a little more often.

I want to save my marriage if its possible.

If my efforts fail, and it fails, at least I know I did everything in my power, and some things you can't do alone.

Havn't made up my mind yet on the fuckbuddy. I still want one, however i'm not that aggresive about it in the mean time. I think I have a few leads, but just knowing the possiblility is close, seems to be enough for me at this time. If I run into someone who wants lust for me, or who wont let me walk away too easily, I may be in for trouble.

But I'm being the selector. If I'm the selected one, I'm not sure I can say no.... We will find out.

HOWEVER, I am going to tell the wife that I'm all set with that Joke pity sex. I'm better than that by a long shot. In the illogical female mind (at least the ones like my wifes) its probably making her hate me, instead of bringing her love/pleasure, so I don't need crap sex that badly. Of course its only Monday. I seem to feel much differently on Friday.....Maybe If I plan on refusing it, instead of waiting for it, it may be different.

 

[niki]

Jerked, tan and Desirable, I sweat confidence.

Here is my plan.

I was able to get some info out of her, and she bringing up some fighting words from a month ago fight.... I guess you gals really do hold on to this crap..

Ugh..........

Anyhow, I sinscerely apologized to her, told her I'm sorry, and I want to make her happy not hurt her.

Kudos.


I am going to make a huge effort to become 'friends' with her again, and go out a little more often.

I want to save my marriage if its possible.

Kudos, again.

If my efforts fail, and it fails, at least I know I did everything in my power, and some things you can't do alone.

Exactly. It is what you are willing and able to live with.

Havn't made up my mind yet on the fuckbuddy. I still want one, however i'm not that aggresive about it in the mean time. I think I have a few leads, but just knowing the possiblility is close, seems to be enough for me at this time. If I run into someone who wants lust for me, or who wont let me walk away too easily, I may be in for trouble.

I understand. And I hope the possibility IS enough for you while you figure all of this out and give your marriage the best possible chance. 'Cuz I'm not real sure the fuckbuddy thing will play out the way she seems to think it will......and you don't want to be the asshole 'cuz that's the way it would look, despite reality.

But I'm being the selector. If I'm the selected one, I'm not sure I can say no.... We will find out.

That ain't being the selector, jes' sayin'....

HOWEVER, I am going to tell the wife that I'm all set with that Joke pity sex. I'm better than that by a long shot. In the illogical female mind (at least the ones like my wifes) its probably making her hate me, instead of bringing her love/pleasure, so I don't need crap sex that badly.

Bravo! But be sure to tell her WHY......open up. Be emotionally vulnerable and express to her, the way you have to US, what it means to you, what it does to you when she acts like that or doesn't respond. Explain that a fuckbuddy who responds to you will rapidly replace her in your heart emotionally, because you aren't THAT guy who can seperate biology/emotions.........and that it is your dearest desire for HER and her only to be that for you.

Of course its only Monday. I seem to feel much differently on Friday.....Maybe If I plan on refusing it, instead of waiting for it, it may be different.

LOL! I hear you, man. I hear you. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, but I hope your plans help. It seems horribly unfair for you to have to go this route - especially if it means less sex, even crap sex, for you. Makes a fuckbuddy all the more logical. But if saving your marriage IS truly your goal, you are gonna have to man up in the face of abstinence and rejection for your final, last ditch efforts. Entertaining both ideas at once is inefficient and counterproductive.

What I mean here, is you can't really determine or know her MOTIVES in suggesting the fuckbuddy.....despite what she's said to you about it. And to do so would jeopardize your marriage-saving efforts, IMO. If you are gonna end it, end it like the man you are - honestly, above board, cards on the table. You've taken the pain of rejection this long - a little longer to be completely honest with her about your needs and expectations for the future of your marriage should be within your range.

 

[Ramrod11]

You are exactly like my wife. She needs a hug everyday and me to tell her something special. For me it doesnt come natural to do that and it has put a strain on our marriage in the past. Im a moody person, and I tend to keep my emotions to myself. Not healthy for a strong marriage but Im working on it.

Most men do...

 

[Muscle_Girl]

So, hows it going so far? I wanted to reply before about your decisions to try and work on it, but I didn't fully agree with one thing you had said. The whole "committed to doing anything and everything" and "still keeping my eyes peeled for alternatives" was a little funky.

Anyway, keep us updated with how things come along.

 

[Gentleman]

Surprisingly after 70+ posts this thread remains intriguing.

 

[Ravager]

So, hows it going so far? I wanted to reply before about your decisions to try and work on it, but I didn't fully agree with one thing you had said. The whole "committed to doing anything and everything" and "still keeping my eyes peeled for alternatives" was a little funky.

Anyway, keep us updated with how things come along.

Sure!

Last Thursday i told her I don't want her sex anymore. I told her she must earn the right to be with me, just as much as I have to, to be with her.

Well, last Friday was her graduation. It was nice, and we went to a nice restaurant afterwards, and then to an after party, where she got drunk and I had to babysit a little bit (I don't drink). NO big deal, I pulled her out of there around midnight as the party was really lame to anyone that wasn't drunk. Went home and I listened to her talk for about 3-4 hours, rubbing her neck, back, and just talking. - No pressure for sex. Ended up just going to bed, the little one kept waking up, so not sure if things would have been different if not, but she was drunk anyhow, but no return affection.


Sat Night, I tried to lay in bed with her to go to sleep, but I was burning inside, because I thought I got through to her on Friday. Nope, zero affection towards me all day or night. Which is fine, I didn't want her lame ass sex anyhow. I got all choked up and told her I really feel like there is no love here for me. She didn't respond to watching her husband be upset at all. Told me I'm acting like a 5 year old.... Bitch.

Sunday the kid wanted to sleep in her own room (Which is a HUGE problem that she sleeps on the floor in our bedroom, but thats another issue). She said, " THIS DOESN't MEAN YOU're GOING TO BUG ME TONIGHT". I said, I TOLD YOU I DON't WANT YOUR SEX. When you're ready to be close to me, then fine, until then, I don't expect, or want that lame ass, just lay there, passionless, loveless sex.

Burning inside, I wanted to punch this asshole in the face. Of course I didn't. Then I said, You know what, Here's my wedding ring. Give it back to me when you're ready to treat me like a husband again. She said, Thats not going to hurt me. I don't care if you never wear it again......... I said its not my intention now, or EVER to hurt you. I want to make you happy, not hurt you. You're the one who is hurting me. I've never taken my ring off for 7 1/2 years. ....

Came home Monday from work, and nothing was changed. Normal talking turned quickly to arguing, so I told her I don't want anything to do with her until she apologizes to me. When she's ready to be my wife again, put the ring back on my hand....... More bickering, everything is always my fault. I'm the only one here trying to be nice and ignore the asshole comments and save this shitty marriage.

So I went out. For the first time in 7 years, with no wedding ring on. Hit this bar where I know a few of the bartenders, and the owners daughter (all women).

Epiphany - Something has changed withing the last year. I've always been good looking, but I'm hot now. Super shart clean-cut haircut from my lovely hairdressor (who gave me her number), Tan as hell from MT2, and Working in the summer heat and lack of appetite (still working out 5 days a week of course), I'm cutting fast and hard. Looking good. Shedding BF like nobodys business, and Lean gaining muscle. I get stared at. Women can't resist looking. I've always looked, but now when I look, They are usually alraedy looking at me, so I bust them peeking instead of them busting me. I'm aging like a fine wine Narcissistic rant over now.

Anyhow,

In the words of many women, I'm gorgeous. At her grad party thing all the women where all over me, even telling my wife how gorgeous I am, and would love to take me home. I was using the skills I gained from THE GAME book you recommended to me, and I could make them stutter, fluster, and lose thought by looking into their eyes....

So at the Bar, I was talking to This bartender, Blond, 8 with a very full, but very beautiful body. A pool tournament started, so I joined in. We had a random partner, mine was good. We ended up never losing a game, and won the pot. So I left with more cash then I came with after being there for 6 hours.

So the bartender is asking me all sorts of questions about me, responding to my game of course. Asked me about kids, I said one, and she said what happened? What do you mean, she said with your Ex. I wasn't prepared for that, so I said something, but don't remember. It was a half lie.

The DAMN GOOD GUY inside me, which I'm trying so hard to get rid of, made me correct the lie and tell her I'm still married in a dead relationship.

After the pool tourney was over, everyone left, she gave me her number, told me to call her anytime I want, but She wont get involved with a married guy. However, this is probably just a line to make her feel like she tried to do the morally correct thing. I think I could have made her eat those words, but I didn't push it. The entire night talking to her was more of a first date feel, she told me about all her relationships, and some pretty deep stuff. Kind of odd. Definately a strong attraction between us..... We played some music on the jukebox thing together, and then I left, she told me to keep in touch, and she hopes the best for me.

Now this other girl there, said I'm so happy to see you here! I was going to call you, but I don't have your number! (Hint, hint)....

Needless to say, Women treat me very well, except for my wife, ironically.

So now my heads full of confidence, and It feels good to be treated nicely, and to be shown affection.... duh....

I go home and slip into bed, and she starts............................ You can't keep going out like this, The Kid keeps asking where you are............

What you'd rather argue in front of her?

I said, TELL ME IF THIS IS OVER, SO I CAN MOVE ON.

No answer.

I said, You know what, you've been using me for years, and I'm better than that. It took me a while to catch on, or to believe it, but Now I see it clear as day (thanks to You guys here at IM!!!).

Now she says she loves me, and doesn't want it to be over. I said your words mean shit, your actions speak alot more truth. When you're ready to be my wife again, apologize and put the ring back on my hand. ....... Stubburn asshole said something to the point that this is my fault, (again) always my fault...... BULLSHIT.


I said since you're my roomate, when you get a job you can split the bills like roomates do. She said I make more money than she ever will, so thats not fair....... whatever............ Now we want to play fair???

I said you spread your legs just to keep the carrot in front of the donkey long enough. You just couldn't fake it anymore it seems. I said that is sick, and that I was a fool for letting it satisfy me for the time being. Told her that telling me to go be with someone else for love is sick too. She said she didn't mean that, but she told me this SO many times over the years..... I said BULLSHIT again, because on our deep Friday talk she told me about a slutty classmate at the grad party that I should be with for a week to get it out of my system....

I'm all set with this. I said I'm sorry, but please give me my bank card so you can stop spending my money, and so I can save up to move out.

She said if you take it, its definitely over.

I said GOOD, closure. Went to bed.

In the morning I told her she can still reverse this if she wants.

I come home from work today, and nothing changed. No fighting, but nothing else..........

I put my arms around her from the back, and asked if she misses being close to me at all. She said No, she has alot on her mind. Job interview tomorrow, and some test she still needs to take for the school she graduated from, long story why its after the grad, but it is) I understand, but thats not love my friends.

Half of me wants to find someone out there that wants to treat me how I deserve to be treated.

The other half of me wants to be single for a while and enjoy the love of many women. I'm in my prime, i have to be better looking than 95% of my male competition out there, and smarter than most too. I'm a catch and i know it. Women aren't afraid to tell me either.

I really don't want to reconcile now. However I still will try again if she shows effort. I want to move out, and get divorced, but financially can't at the moment.

Breaks my fucking heart because of my little girl.

I'm starting to hate my wife.

So thats where its at. Sitting here typing with no wedding ring on, and now It burns me inside to think about all the time and money this asshole cost me.

I flipped the table over in our relationship. (Figuratively).

On a side note, we enjoyed the movie HALL PASS together, which was super funny, however no mention of me getting a hall pass was talked about! lol

I'm alright with whatever the outcome is. My social circle is growing fast and strong, so when the bomb gets dropped I wont be alone. I seemed to have lost touch with most of my old friends when I started dating this asshole 11 years ago. Thats fine. I kind of like making new ones better.

So I'm 34, in my prime, and not taking anymore bullshit.

My next step is to get her served for divorce for Cruel and unusual treatment.... Just not sure how long that will take. I need a few weeks for money reasons, I think its 250 to file, and I have a SHITLOAD of bills that need to be paid for work, ... Insurances and shit.... Plus 4th july weekend, maybe I'll fake it now for a while.

I may still try to make her fall in love with me again, and then break her heart. I'm usually not like this, but I've changed. She is 10 steps below me. I think I was mesmerized by her beauty all these years. .... Sorry hun, you don't have the golden pussy.

 

[Built]

Man, you're bitter. I'm glad you have us to unload all that - you needed to get it out.

Now breathe. Whatever happens, you know you're going to be fine, and if you're fine, your daughter will be fine.

And that's really all that matters.

 

[independent]

Time to move on. Dont waste another 7 years, it will never work out with her.

 

[JCBourne]

Hey man, this is just input from me and take it how you want.

Seems you don't give her a ton of attention, or do "little" things. There is quite a big chance that she is talking to someone else or getting that attention from another guy. May not seem like it and even though she is VERY busy it's possible. She may be looking for attention that doesn't lead to sex and maybe she is getting that somewhere else.

Trust me, it's very well possible if you don't think so. Women like little things, things us men don't seem to understand or get and we blow it off. Usually there is some kind of warning sign and it may be VERY hard to find it but there is.

Step back and see if maybe this is the case, I hope it's not but it's possible. She may not say be cheating on you but again it's possible she's texting another guy, talking to another guy at school about her problems, etc, etc.

EDIT:

Just read your latest response, I think you need to move on and end it. Don't make her fall inlove again and then break her heart man just move on. Doing stuff like that will come back to bite you in the ass (Mommy tells daughter how much of an asshole you were when she gets older, daughter sides with mom and your no longer in the picture) if anything, I would try to give as much respect as possible but OUT of that relationship. It's obviously over and gone and don't make it worse, you know why? Because kids can sense these things and even if parents think they are doing it in secret kids know. I knew damn well when my parents were fighting and being ruthless to each other when I was a kid even though they thought I didn't know.

If anything do this for your daughter, you do not want to destroy that relationship. You say you love your daughter so don't ruin it. Sounds like mommy has some serious issues and if you piss her off more she may use your daughter against you.

 

[niki]

whoa.

Man, I am really sorry. But it's better to know, than to go on living in fear and rejection. Now you can move forward and see what life has to offer to you.

 

[sassy69]

Wow this is an intense thread. It looks like you've taken your stand and she's kinda still not stepping up. I have to agree... women don't come w/ a user's manual, or if they do, its about 800 pages long and the latest update isnt' available yet. I agree that women do not uncommonly, go thru phases where there is no interest in sex. Probably because there are more feelings that feed into it, plus hormones. Then throw in that a guy pretty much equates "love" with "sex" as his expression of it, which can then be interpretted by the woman as just a selfish demand for sex.

From her side, if she's got a history of depression, that's an issue in itself. If she's on any sort of anti-depressant, those are notorious for destroying sex drive. Further, I'd love to have her get bloodwork to understand what are her natural sex hormone levels. My guess is a really low test level.

I also have seen a number of women who simply won't deal w/ their sexual issues for whatever reason and their way of handling it is to ignore it or bury it / deflect it w/ an argument. This sort of kills anything you could even do to address the issue if it can't even be talked about.

Normally to this topic I would say, it is something that women just sometimes go thru, but start by checking off the things that can be determined - i.e. natural test levels - this is a fairly objective thing to check and shouldn't carry a lot of negative connotations with it - low test levels don't make you weird or less of a woman or whatever - they just are what you are born with and are fairly easy to address. The depression thing is a bigger deal, tho similarly can be due to very simply your natural body chemistry, but it can carry more negative connotations that can be taken to heart to "not be discussed" or be ashamed of, and it can be a little harder to come up w/ the right combination of treatment to address. Self-confidence issues / ready to turn it back on you like "fine go find some other chick to appreciate you" -- that's another flavor of just not dealing with it / deflecting it.

As I'm writing this, I'm wondering if you've asked her "what do you need to feel loved?" Is there an answer for that, or is it really just something she's not interested in and there's nothing left to work with?

If either you or she are interested in reading anything, I'd point you to one of my favorite radio talk show guys - Dennis Prager - he's a conservative Republican politically and speaks extensively on spiritual stuff as a Jewish religious authority, but what I love about him is his very simple and clear way of discussing so many things, among them, how men & women relate (or don't). Two of his regular segments on his radio show are, I think on Wednesdays "The Male/Female Hour" and on Fridays, "The Happiness Hour".

Here's the last 30 days of his radio show on podcast if you want to peruse any of these:
Radio Show | Pragertopia

I also think this is a great discussion of understanding how men view / express "love" vs women - I wish there was more available to link to directly online, but at least for reference "Keys to the Kingdom" (.. Celebrating Men / Satisfying Women) by Allison Armstrong.

On a side note, I am a huge proponent of tying up your loose ends before starting relationships w/ others - i.e. if you're going to seperate or divorce, get that tied up before you start screwing around w/ other women. I am a bit of an idealist, but I feel like its not really fair to yourself, your ex / soon to be ex or the person(s) you are getting involved w/ if you aren't free & clear of your previous relationship. It tends to create more drama for all parties involved, and a lot more resentment, which can exaccerabate the relationship w/ your (future) ex and your child(ren) which you will probably never be walking away from completely.

Best of luck to you. It pains me so much to see a relationship w/ so much pain in it - its hard enough to get a viable relationship established. Festering issues will always be picked up on by little kids and they never really seem to get better if you don't address them honestly & openly.

 

[independent]

On a side note, I am a huge proponent of tying up your loose ends before starting relationships w/ others - i.e. if you're going to seperate or divorce, get that tied up before you start screwing around w/ other women. I am a bit of an idealist, but I feel like its not really fair to yourself, your ex / soon to be ex or the person(s) you are getting involved w/ if you aren't free & clear of your previous relationship. It tends to create more drama for all parties involved, and a lot more resentment, which can exaccerabate the relationship w/ your (future) ex and your child(ren) which you will probably never be walking away from completely.
.

This^^^^

 

[Ravager]

Now it seems she is showing signs of effort. At least now she looks in my eyes and gave me a warm embrace, and a nice hug n kiss goodnight. (Which she asked for, not me)......

I know the last message sounded bitter. I don't think I really feel hatred, just have a guard up to protect myself from getting hurt.

I do love my wife, and I want things to work out.

The thought of being single is probably better than the real thing. Its been so long i'm probably forgetting how much it sux.

The reality of child support will break me financially and emotionally not being with my lil one.

......

Thanks guys for listening and commenting. It does help me sort through my thoughts. I don't think there is an easy answer here.

I almost wish I was getting cheated on, at least I could close this out.

What bugs me the most here is not having a vision about where I'll be in the future, which is the whole point of marriage. I'm starting to think marriage is a joke, with so many people getting divorced, nobody takes these vows seriously anymore......

 

[independent]

Now it seems she is showing signs of effort. At least now she looks in my eyes and gave me a warm embrace, and a nice hug n kiss goodnight. (Which she asked for, not me)......

I know the last message sounded bitter. I don't think I really feel hatred, just have a guard up to protect myself from getting hurt.

I do love my wife, and I want things to work out.

The thought of being single is probably better than the real thing. Its been so long i'm probably forgetting how much it sux.

The reality of child support will break me financially and emotionally not being with my lil one.

......

Thanks guys for listening and commenting. It does help me sort through my thoughts. I don't think there is an easy answer here.

I almost wish I was getting cheated on, at least I could close this out.

What bugs me the most here is not having a vision about where I'll be in the future, which is the whole point of marriage. I'm starting to think marriage is a joke, with so many people getting divorced, nobody takes these vows seriously anymore......

I just hope shes not trying to keep you around to pay the bills.

 

[S_walker]

Wow this is an interesting thread for sure. Alot of solid advice too. Like previously mentioned I would end it before becoming involved with other women. A side of me hopes your able to work it out, but the other side says to cut your losses and get yourself in order (make yourself happy).

My only advise to you is NOT to start drinking. I think that would only compound your troubles. If you do decide that you've had enough, file first! Be sure to find an attorney that will fight for you and assure you have, at a minimum joint custody.

You sound like you got your shit together. Take care of yourself and your daughter. I wish you the best of luck! Walker

 

[sassy69]

Now it seems she is showing signs of effort. At least now she looks in my eyes and gave me a warm embrace, and a nice hug n kiss goodnight. (Which she asked for, not me)......

I know the last message sounded bitter. I don't think I really feel hatred, just have a guard up to protect myself from getting hurt.

I do love my wife, and I want things to work out.

The thought of being single is probably better than the real thing. Its been so long i'm probably forgetting how much it sux.

The reality of child support will break me financially and emotionally not being with my lil one.

......

Thanks guys for listening and commenting. It does help me sort through my thoughts. I don't think there is an easy answer here.

I almost wish I was getting cheated on, at least I could close this out.

What bugs me the most here is not having a vision about where I'll be in the future, which is the whole point of marriage. I'm starting to think marriage is a joke, with so many people getting divorced, nobody takes these vows seriously anymore......

You're right that there are no easy answers --- on the one hand, this situation could look very black & white, on another there could be a whole spectrum of shades of gray. I think at least you've turned the tables a little by specifically calling out that you're not playing the game and the situation is not something she is driving now - its sort in her court. Sometimes people don't know what they've got until its gone (to quote a good rock ballad), or at least a tangible indication that things are not going to be convenient to their own actions / responses and you on the defensive.

Give it a week - you may see some continued changes, if even a little at time that indicate you're forcing her to make some decisions and deal w/ the situation.

 

[Muscle_Girl]

Jesus, so much has happened in such a little timeframe, I am starting to wonder where the "try anything and everything before I give up" went.. You gave it what, a day past the regular deadline of your scheduled lay? Cmon.. thats not trying. You have all of these expectations, and having them is enough.. but when you confront her about them, that makes them 10x worse. She knows something is wrong, and when you are just freaking about not getting the affection you deserve, how can she concentrate on the actual issue to try and solve it.

You need to support your wife and get to the bottom of the problem. Support means seeing what she needs to get out of the rut she is in. Most likely, she probably just needs to see you being selfless for once. Those silly threats of taking off your wedding ring and taking away the debit card won't get you anywhere, it will only cause resentment -- further problems.

Ultimately, I think you need to be more patient, problems aren't fixed overnight. If you are patient enough and keep inquiring about whats making her distant, you will get your answer eventually. Rub some out while you both work towards getting to the bottom of the issue.

BTW with the mention of the kid sleeping on your bedroom floor frequently.. have you not looked at that as a possible factor?

Be patient, be supportive and quit thinking with your dick. She knows what is bugging you, but do you know whats bugging HER!

 

[Built]

BTW with the mention of the kid sleeping on your bedroom floor frequently.. have you not looked at that as a possible factor?

Get a lock on your bedroom door. Seriously.

 

[Ravager]

Jesus, so much has happened in such a little timeframe, I am starting to wonder where the "try anything and everything before I give up" went.. You gave it what, a day past the regular deadline of your scheduled lay? Cmon.. thats not trying. You have all of these expectations, and having them is enough.. but when you confront her about them, that makes them 10x worse. She knows something is wrong, and when you are just freaking about not getting the affection you deserve, how can she concentrate on the actual issue to try and solve it.

You need to support your wife and get to the bottom of the problem. Support means seeing what she needs to get out of the rut she is in. Most likely, she probably just needs to see you being selfless for once. Those silly threats of taking off your wedding ring and taking away the debit card won't get you anywhere, it will only cause resentment -- further problems.

Ultimately, I think you need to be more patient, problems aren't fixed overnight. If you are patient enough and keep inquiring about whats making her distant, you will get your answer eventually. Rub some out while you both work towards getting to the bottom of the issue.

BTW with the mention of the kid sleeping on your bedroom floor frequently.. have you not looked at that as a possible factor?



Be patient, be supportive and quit thinking with your dick. She knows what is bugging you, but do you know whats bugging HER!

Now why is it thinking with my dick because I want to be CLOSE to my wife?

I don't give a fuck about getting my dick wet, sucked, jerked, or fucked. I want the close contact, skin on skin, kissing, passion.

Why do they call it "Making Love" if its just thinking with your dick?

If a woman wants to "Make Love" is she just thinking with her pussy with no concern for her man?


You could cut my dick off, and I'd still earn for the cuddling, passionate affection. I love the naked skin on skin contact. I love making my woman pleased.

....................................................