Damn... what's the point in looking then
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Diary of a madman.....
- Thread starter Pitboss
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Originally posted by butterfly
Damn... what's the point in looking then
Too sweet
but I don't even come close to those guys in that thread.
At least you've got a big...uh...heart!!!!
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EXCELLENT!!!!!
ps ... in reading some of this thread, some can seperate love and sex ... * giggle *
Ya think??? I'm glad you can tell but I'm having a hard time figuring out these ladies. I'm almost certain Esmerelda, Sosunni, and possibly J'bo... but I .... oh hey you talking about me
NT, did I ever reply to your PM? I don't remember... anyhow see how things go over the next 6 months. Love to join you and the Misses in Jamaica. Hopefully as a foursome but if that doesn't work out hope you two don't mind a threesome?
Okay no matter how I wrote that it still cums out pornalized!! LOL
Originally posted by Sosunni
Hey - look what I found!!!
Hi PB... I wanna get caught up... or tied up.. whatever... but need to leave for that thing that pays my bills....
S
Hi
check your email when you can. Uhm must be nice not going into work until afte 9am!!!! So what's your excuse for not going to teh gym every morning???
:Thanks Butterfly... I know you know how big my.. uh.. heart is!!! LOL
okay I promised J'Bo I'd do some creative writing in my diary.. it has been sometime and not much has really happened lately to me but I'm sure once I start writing it'll cum...
so let me start a new post...
Thursday July 11, 2002
Dear Diary,
I'm sorry for neglecting you lately. I just haven't had much to write about. Oh sure I guess I could have written something each day, some silly thing that may have happened to me. But I didn't want to bore you. Life has been rather stagnant lately. Work, eat, sleep...
what??
Oh sex. Well yeah I've had sex.
Yes! More than once. You have to remember who I have been seeing. You know the girl who's sexually appetite is twice what mine is.
No I'm being serious.
Prove it?
How?
Tell you about it?
Damn diary is a perv... okay fine I'll give just a couple examples, maybe.
Lets see where should I start.. Oh I know!!
Wednesday July 3rd.
Amanda got off work around 10:00 and I head on over. We prettymuch kicked back and had a few Smirnoff's Ice's.. I should have never gave her one. Damn fish is what she is!!! He chatted like any other couple, catching up on the days events. Sitting out on her patio, her across from me. She lifts one of her legs up to rest on my leg allowing me a full glimpse between her legs... summer dresses are so especially when nothing is worn underneath .. she caught me looking and got embarrased. I love that.. I spend 15 minutes at a tiem with my mouth down there and she gets embarrased when I catch a peek... LOL
I go to get another drink and lean over to kiss her.. nice long, wet, tongues playing, lip biting kiss... her hand slides up the inside of my shorts... hmmm look ma not undies!! As soon as her hand wraps around my... my.... okay this is my journal and dammit it's freedom of speech!!!... around my cock I start to get hard. Love it when she holds me... I pull away..and say "oops got get out drinks" laughing the whole time I walk to the kitchen, I am such a tease!!
I come back and stand right next to her as I hand her her Smirnoff. While she takes back a nice big swig I pull my shorts down to expose myself to her... no surprise to her it's become normal for Roger to drop his drawers where ever.. he looks around, as we were on her patio, 2nd story but neighbors can see us and we can see them. She takes me into her mouth... blah, blah, blah.. and then blah, blah, blah..... okay break time.
Need some responses here. Do I do with the blah, blah, blahs or do I just let the writing skills cum out?
Dear Diary,
I'm sorry for neglecting you lately. I just haven't had much to write about. Oh sure I guess I could have written something each day, some silly thing that may have happened to me. But I didn't want to bore you. Life has been rather stagnant lately. Work, eat, sleep...
what??
Oh sex. Well yeah I've had sex.
Yes! More than once. You have to remember who I have been seeing. You know the girl who's sexually appetite is twice what mine is.
No I'm being serious.
Prove it?
How?
Tell you about it?
Damn diary is a perv... okay fine I'll give just a couple examples, maybe.
Lets see where should I start.. Oh I know!!
Wednesday July 3rd.
Amanda got off work around 10:00 and I head on over. We prettymuch kicked back and had a few Smirnoff's Ice's.. I should have never gave her one. Damn fish is what she is!!! He chatted like any other couple, catching up on the days events. Sitting out on her patio, her across from me. She lifts one of her legs up to rest on my leg allowing me a full glimpse between her legs... summer dresses are so especially when nothing is worn underneath
.. she caught me looking and got embarrased. I love that.. I spend 15 minutes at a tiem with my mouth down there and she gets embarrased when I catch a peek... LOL I go to get another drink and lean over to kiss her.. nice long, wet, tongues playing, lip biting kiss... her hand slides up the inside of my shorts... hmmm look ma not undies!! As soon as her hand wraps around my... my.... okay this is my journal and dammit it's freedom of speech!!!... around my cock I start to get hard. Love it when she holds me... I pull away..and say "oops got get out drinks" laughing the whole time I walk to the kitchen, I am such a tease!!
I come back and stand right next to her as I hand her her Smirnoff. While she takes back a nice big swig I pull my shorts down to expose myself to her... no surprise to her it's become normal for Roger to drop his drawers where ever.. he looks around, as we were on her patio, 2nd story but neighbors can see us and we can see them. She takes me into her mouth... blah, blah, blah.. and then blah, blah, blah..... okay break time.
Need some responses here. Do I do with the blah, blah, blahs or do I just let the writing skills cum out?
Okay then.. It's been almost 2 hours since I posted the above post. I'll take that as no one has a problem with me getting overly pornal... or do they??? I'll write the way I like to write.. make you think you're reading a Penthouse Forum letter. Only difference is my won't start with "I never thought this would happen to me. I mean I always read these letters in the Forum and could only dream I'd be writing my one letter to Penthouse.. geez"
I give you all a chance to voice your opinions.. Prince? W8? anyone else of Authority.. oh Kuso diary mod???
I give you all a chance to voice your opinions.. Prince? W8? anyone else of Authority.. oh Kuso diary mod???
okay I'm bored and have 5 minutes to waste..... so she takes me in her mouth. My right hand placed on the back of her neck.. no I am not pushing her into me, that's rude! My left hand slides down to her breast and I gently squeeze.. she likes me to squeeze hard.. I will but not yet. We go at this for sometime. I reach down and pull her away from me and then grabbing her hnads stand her. We start kissing, hands wandering. I slowly turn and move to the balcony wall and then turn her around. Her back to me. I kiss her neck, soft bites with my teeth. I place my mouth over her right trap and soft sink my teeth against her skin, she lets out a soft moan.. girl loves to be bit! I slowly lift her sundress and run my hands over her ass, her skin is so soft, soft like velvet or silk. I slow move against her letting my hips guide me into her. Slowly we make contact. Slowly I enter her, little by little. Pulling back a little and then starting all over until I'm all the way in her.
We hear some people coming down the walk way. Keeping our moans silent I continue to move my hips, just a little, just enough to drive her nuts. I can see her bitting her lip holding back... I reach around her and grab both breasts in my hand, her nipples pussing against the dress. I take both them between my index finger and thumb, squeezing harder and harder as I press myself against her harder, deeper.. I let one hand loose and slide it down her stomach and between her legs. Letting my fingers play a little... hmmmm
Okay been longer than 5 minutes gotta go. Sorry couldn't finish or had to keep it R-17
We hear some people coming down the walk way. Keeping our moans silent I continue to move my hips, just a little, just enough to drive her nuts. I can see her bitting her lip holding back... I reach around her and grab both breasts in my hand, her nipples pussing against the dress. I take both them between my index finger and thumb, squeezing harder and harder as I press myself against her harder, deeper.. I let one hand loose and slide it down her stomach and between her legs. Letting my fingers play a little... hmmmm
Okay been longer than 5 minutes gotta go. Sorry couldn't finish or had to keep it R-17
Well I had to leave work... now I'm home, naked and ready to shower... off to work and look at tits all night. Damn I hate my life.. LOL
He's no perv.. but Carter is twice the flirt I ever was!!! He works it and he knows it!!!
Oh okay.. guess I misunderstood. He's cute I agree... but the cutest "thing" you've ever seen?
Thanks Mochy... I can only write for so long. I usually get bored and need to start a new story. My short stories are short with no ending.. LOL
I was searching for an old thread of mine when I came across this pic.... for those that haven't seen it I thought you might enoy it.
I was in the US Marine Corps from 1984 -1991. I was in Desert Storm from August 9 or 11, 1990 until March 3, 1991. Yes I am considered a war veteran.
Anyhow for Halloween I decided to pull out my old cammies and have a little fun.... hmmm that didn't work out to well. When I got out in 1991 I weighed 160-165 with maybe a 13-14% BF. When I took this pick I was about 177 and 10% BF. My old uniform didn't fit. I had the sleeves rolled up and my arms basically got stuck.. LOL So I went and bought a new set.. even these were too tight on my arm... not really complaing. Just wish my chest and back were in size sync with my arms!!!
So here is Senior Drill Instructor Staff Sargeant PB!!
I was in the US Marine Corps from 1984 -1991. I was in Desert Storm from August 9 or 11, 1990 until March 3, 1991. Yes I am considered a war veteran.
Anyhow for Halloween I decided to pull out my old cammies and have a little fun.... hmmm that didn't work out to well. When I got out in 1991 I weighed 160-165 with maybe a 13-14% BF. When I took this pick I was about 177 and 10% BF. My old uniform didn't fit. I had the sleeves rolled up and my arms basically got stuck.. LOL So I went and bought a new set.. even these were too tight on my arm... not really complaing. Just wish my chest and back were in size sync with my arms!!!
So here is Senior Drill Instructor Staff Sargeant PB!!
oh damn.. I'm eating cottage cheese. I hate cottage cheese!!!!! has pineapple in it though and that's kind of yummy. J'Bo pineapple right?
LMAO!!
LMAO!!
Well Drill Instructors aren't supposed to look nice...
Well I really don't need the pineapple in my diet... I'll go into more detail when I continue my story from yesterday .. he he
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seriously ... think about next June as a great time for a vacation. Just go with no expectations and things will be great. As soon as you place expectations on it, you will ruin your whole vacation.
Uh I'd expect to have a great time.. lot's of sun.. lot's of drinking.. and plenty of good things to eat???? Too much??
Damn it's so nice when you have a partner that you can completely click with in bed!!! Since March 27 the first time to last night it just keeps getting better and better!!
Her roommate is in Palm Springs for the weekend so we had the living room to explore. My knees got a little burn but not too bad. I had one of the best orgasms I can remember. It was some off and on foreplay and then just rip the clothes off and go. Didn't take too long which was fine with both of us as we were tired. So when I came.. OMG I just kept thrusting and literally moved her about 3 feet on the carpet.. you know a few inches at atime and not like all at once!! Lucky she didn't get rug burns on her ass!!!
oh hum. I;m so bored at work today. Have nothing to add to my diary except for sex stuff. Going to see Carter at McDonalds in the morning... not looking foward to chasing him around those damn tunnels... but it's sooooo worth it hearing him laugh the whole time!!
Her roommate is in Palm Springs for the weekend so we had the living room to explore. My knees got a little burn but not too bad. I had one of the best orgasms I can remember. It was some off and on foreplay and then just rip the clothes off and go. Didn't take too long which was fine with both of us as we were tired. So when I came.. OMG I just kept thrusting and literally moved her about 3 feet on the carpet.. you know a few inches at atime and not like all at once!! Lucky she didn't get rug burns on her ass!!!
oh hum. I;m so bored at work today. Have nothing to add to my diary except for sex stuff. Going to see Carter at McDonalds in the morning... not looking foward to chasing him around those damn tunnels... but it's sooooo worth it hearing him laugh the whole time!!
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See?!?!? I need to have children...I've been DYING to run through the playland @ McDonald's....and YOU get to do it!
...and I haven't had rug burns in a while...
Damn
...and I haven't had rug burns in a while...
Damn
I think I am done with women!!!!
Who needs them? I can easily take care of my own needs. I don't need to have someone next to me to cuddle up with and if I do I'll use my pillow and spray it with my favorite ladies perfume!!
I can cook my own food. I can even have my own conversations with myself and if I need to I'm sure I can argue.
Okay so Saturday I worked from 9am to 1pm. Went and got my oil changed and then hit the gym. On the way home I decided to surprise Amanda and spend some time with her before she went to work. I wasn't originally coming over later that night knowing she wouldn't get off work until 10:30-11:30. So itwas a nice surprise
We had sex.. great sex. The best I can remember.. while it was quick it was still great! Oh hell it's always great with her.
So off to work she goes and I decided to lay out at the pool for an hour or so. Then I head home. Stop and get some food. Did a few things at home and headed back to her place. I hooked up my spare 21 TV for her since we were tired of looking at that 13 inch screen!!
Lets see oh and then I wnet and used the Jacuzzi. Then I showered and laid doan to nap. It was about 10:30.
So Amanda comes home close to 11:30 and I'm out. She wakes me up and I acknowledge her presence. But fall right back to sleep. A few minutes late she wakes me up again. And again. And again.. then she got stoned and continued doing this until she came to bed around 1:30. I was so tired that I just couln't get up. She wanted to play of course and I just ignored her I guess.
Sunday I get up and go see Carter from 9:00am to 11:00. I told Amanda I should be back before 12. I purposely changed the times I see Carter from 10 - 12 to 9 - 11 so I could spend a little extra tiem with Amanda on Sundays. So we were going to head to teh pool for a bit and then take a nap... well that was the original plan
So I get to her place at 11:40 and she's still in bed. She got up for maybe 2 hours she said and then went right back to bed. I really din't want to lay down. I knew if I did I'd be out for a good 2 hours. Just felling a little run down I guess. So I lay down... we nap. She wakes up a few minutes later and decides now that I am asleep it would be a good time to wake me and want to make out... uhm I'm sleeping!! Okay I ended up taking a little over a two hour nap. Heard her bitch and complain about me ignoring her, not spend any time with her and then went she tried to kiss me I barley kissed back. Then she decided I must be seeing someone else since I hadn't had sex with her since... uhm less tan 24 hours ago!!!!!
I don't I'm just fed up I guess. I'm tired of her bithcing about me always wantting to sleep.. "I work two jobs too" she says.. yeah but you get home before mifnight and don't get up until 8 or 9 the next day. I ger home at 3am and up at 6am then spend then I work 8 or 9 hour days (play on IM) and then keep myself entertained until she gets home, stay up till 1am sometimes 2am .. get a whopping 4 or 5 hours sleep and she bitches about me sleeping!!
Anyhow I left her place with a pretty sour taste in my mouth. Was not happy with what I saw or heard from her. I really don't feel I was in the wrong. I would never wake anyone up to fuck around. If you're that damn horney go play with yourself.
Oh and then I didn't call her once yesterday after all this. I didn't call her today. She did a couple of times. No messages of course.
Then this morning she calls and starts going to why she said all the things she said.. once again it has to do with time spent with her. Her only night off is Tuesday, normally. But it's not just that. Now it's not just spending time with her but doing stuff.. hiking, go to teh beach, etc... I'm like fine, but not after I worked all day, only got 5 hours sleep the night before and maybe I'll get 5 again tonight... all I want to do is relax!! Yeah hit the gym and then just vegg... watch a movie, whatever. Okay so I'm being a little selfish here... maybe.
I'm so not sure what i am doing. She really pissed me off yesterday and I find that I really don't want to talk to her or see her. Maybe that's it. The end of whatever we had.
done ranting... now thinking..... blah.
Who needs them? I can easily take care of my own needs. I don't need to have someone next to me to cuddle up with and if I do I'll use my pillow and spray it with my favorite ladies perfume!!
I can cook my own food. I can even have my own conversations with myself and if I need to I'm sure I can argue.
Okay so Saturday I worked from 9am to 1pm. Went and got my oil changed and then hit the gym. On the way home I decided to surprise Amanda and spend some time with her before she went to work. I wasn't originally coming over later that night knowing she wouldn't get off work until 10:30-11:30. So itwas a nice surprise
We had sex.. great sex. The best I can remember.. while it was quick it was still great! Oh hell it's always great with her.
So off to work she goes and I decided to lay out at the pool for an hour or so. Then I head home. Stop and get some food. Did a few things at home and headed back to her place. I hooked up my spare 21 TV for her since we were tired of looking at that 13 inch screen!!
Lets see oh and then I wnet and used the Jacuzzi. Then I showered and laid doan to nap. It was about 10:30.
So Amanda comes home close to 11:30 and I'm out. She wakes me up and I acknowledge her presence. But fall right back to sleep. A few minutes late she wakes me up again. And again. And again.. then she got stoned and continued doing this until she came to bed around 1:30. I was so tired that I just couln't get up. She wanted to play of course and I just ignored her I guess.
Sunday I get up and go see Carter from 9:00am to 11:00. I told Amanda I should be back before 12. I purposely changed the times I see Carter from 10 - 12 to 9 - 11 so I could spend a little extra tiem with Amanda on Sundays. So we were going to head to teh pool for a bit and then take a nap...
well that was the original planSo I get to her place at 11:40 and she's still in bed. She got up for maybe 2 hours she said and then went right back to bed. I really din't want to lay down. I knew if I did I'd be out for a good 2 hours. Just felling a little run down I guess. So I lay down... we nap. She wakes up a few minutes later and decides now that I am asleep it would be a good time to wake me and want to make out... uhm I'm sleeping!! Okay I ended up taking a little over a two hour nap. Heard her bitch and complain about me ignoring her, not spend any time with her and then went she tried to kiss me I barley kissed back. Then she decided I must be seeing someone else since I hadn't had sex with her since... uhm less tan 24 hours ago!!!!!
I don't I'm just fed up I guess. I'm tired of her bithcing about me always wantting to sleep.. "I work two jobs too" she says.. yeah but you get home before mifnight and don't get up until 8 or 9 the next day. I ger home at 3am and up at 6am then spend then I work 8 or 9 hour days (play on IM) and then keep myself entertained until she gets home, stay up till 1am sometimes 2am .. get a whopping 4 or 5 hours sleep and she bitches about me sleeping!!
Anyhow I left her place with a pretty sour taste in my mouth. Was not happy with what I saw or heard from her. I really don't feel I was in the wrong. I would never wake anyone up to fuck around. If you're that damn horney go play with yourself.
Oh and then I didn't call her once yesterday after all this. I didn't call her today. She did a couple of times. No messages of course.
Then this morning she calls and starts going to why she said all the things she said.. once again it has to do with time spent with her. Her only night off is Tuesday, normally. But it's not just that. Now it's not just spending time with her but doing stuff.. hiking, go to teh beach, etc... I'm like fine, but not after I worked all day, only got 5 hours sleep the night before and maybe I'll get 5 again tonight... all I want to do is relax!! Yeah hit the gym and then just vegg... watch a movie, whatever. Okay so I'm being a little selfish here... maybe.
I'm so not sure what i am doing. She really pissed me off yesterday and I find that I really don't want to talk to her or see her. Maybe that's it. The end of whatever we had.
done ranting... now thinking..... blah.
Damn I hate thsi shit. I left her a message telling her that yesterday really got to me and I don't know what to think about it. I told her that I really have nothing to say to her right now and actually I really don't even want to see you right now. (that's gonna hurt)
I said I'm going to see my therapist like every Monday... only like 5 more weeks and I can be done with that... maybe. Then to the gym for a shoulder/traps. Grab something to eat and head home. Probably just do a little laundry, try out the jacuzzi at my place and then head to bed early.
I finished the message with somethign about tomorrow is another day and we'll see how things go.
So now that I've spent all morning thinking about yesterday and how things went I really have to think about what my therapist says. I actually do enjoysitting there for an hour and just talk, and talk, and talk... I've learned so much moreabout myself, at leas how I am but not really why I am.. oh well gotta start somewhere.
But we have determined I have control issues. I knew this already but not in the depth that I am realizing now. I like to have control of me. What I'm doing. When I'm doing it. Here is a couple of examples.
Say this Saturday someone (EX, GF, Work) has made plans for me to attend a b-day party. I don't want to go. I am not looking forward to going and I'm upset that someone has taking my Saturday away from me.
Now if "I" was the one that decided I wanted to go I would be completley happy with that desicion because I chose to spend my day that way.
or now with my relationship with Amanda. When we were in a serious relationship I felt I "had" to call her at 10am before she went to work, or I had to come over and spend the night, or I had to this and do that. When I broke up with her weeks back and we still continued to see each other but not in such a serious "verbal" way.. notalk about future, etc... but now I felt I was calling when I "wanted" to and not when I had to. Or if I wanted to come over tonight or not. It's the same relationship but yet I feel I have control of my time... to a point.
So I'm a whack.. looney... crazy.. just a lost soul searching for something.. haven't a clue what it is.
anyhow back to what I was thinking about this morning. I'mstarting to realize that Amanda and My relationship is aboput the sex and that's it. The sex is great, hell better than great! We never argue or have any disaggreements in bed. But when we are out of the bedroom I keep finding we clash. Either I'm too stubborn or she is. I'm always trying to prove I am right and she tries to prove she s right... 9 out of 10 she is right,, so must be the stubborn one.. damn me and my Taurus horoscope!!
I find she rubs me the wrong way. She speaks whats on her mind and doesn't without thinking... yesterday we went to the store after my long nap
, on the way back we stopped and got a Red Bull, she is addicted to those things.. anyhow I set it on her center console. When we get back to her place I carry the groceries up. as she's now getting ready for work she says "did you bring my Red Bull up" Uhm.. "no, did you want me too?" her reply... "No I like it warm, thanks though" can't read sacasm but it was there every word, every syllable... me being a nice guy bites my lip and goes down to her truck to get it. Toss it in the freezer and then as we get ready to walk out I get it for her. Nice a cold... grrrr
hmmm she just called. Guess I should have answered the phone but I am such a wuss when it comes to talking to people in person or even on the phone. I'm thinking she will say somethign sweet and supportive. Then later today she will call back and be totally the opposite saying that thsi is stupid and why should she feel bad about yesterday as I was the one ignoring her.. I call it sleeping or trying too!!!!
Oh damn no message.... she's pissed
Gonna be an interesting 24 hours.. she actually hass tonight off for a change but didn't know it until this morning. Won't surprise me if she comes over to my place to find me to talk... kind of makes you feel good about yourself when someone is willing to work so hard to keep you. sort of...
I said I'm going to see my therapist like every Monday... only like 5 more weeks and I can be done with that... maybe. Then to the gym for a shoulder/traps. Grab something to eat and head home. Probably just do a little laundry, try out the jacuzzi at my place and then head to bed early.
I finished the message with somethign about tomorrow is another day and we'll see how things go.
So now that I've spent all morning thinking about yesterday and how things went I really have to think about what my therapist says. I actually do enjoysitting there for an hour and just talk, and talk, and talk... I've learned so much moreabout myself, at leas how I am but not really why I am.. oh well gotta start somewhere.
But we have determined I have control issues. I knew this already but not in the depth that I am realizing now. I like to have control of me. What I'm doing. When I'm doing it. Here is a couple of examples.
Say this Saturday someone (EX, GF, Work) has made plans for me to attend a b-day party. I don't want to go. I am not looking forward to going and I'm upset that someone has taking my Saturday away from me.
Now if "I" was the one that decided I wanted to go I would be completley happy with that desicion because I chose to spend my day that way.
or now with my relationship with Amanda. When we were in a serious relationship I felt I "had" to call her at 10am before she went to work, or I had to come over and spend the night, or I had to this and do that. When I broke up with her weeks back and we still continued to see each other but not in such a serious "verbal" way.. notalk about future, etc... but now I felt I was calling when I "wanted" to and not when I had to. Or if I wanted to come over tonight or not. It's the same relationship but yet I feel I have control of my time... to a point.
So I'm a whack.. looney... crazy.. just a lost soul searching for something.. haven't a clue what it is.
anyhow back to what I was thinking about this morning. I'mstarting to realize that Amanda and My relationship is aboput the sex and that's it. The sex is great, hell better than great! We never argue or have any disaggreements in bed. But when we are out of the bedroom I keep finding we clash. Either I'm too stubborn or she is. I'm always trying to prove I am right and she tries to prove she s right... 9 out of 10 she is right,, so must be the stubborn one.. damn me and my Taurus horoscope!!
I find she rubs me the wrong way. She speaks whats on her mind and doesn't without thinking... yesterday we went to the store after my long nap
, on the way back we stopped and got a Red Bull, she is addicted to those things.. anyhow I set it on her center console. When we get back to her place I carry the groceries up. as she's now getting ready for work she says "did you bring my Red Bull up" Uhm.. "no, did you want me too?" her reply... "No I like it warm, thanks though" can't read sacasm but it was there every word, every syllable... me being a nice guy bites my lip and goes down to her truck to get it. Toss it in the freezer and then as we get ready to walk out I get it for her. Nice a cold... grrrrhmmm she just called. Guess I should have answered the phone but I am such a wuss when it comes to talking to people in person or even on the phone. I'm thinking she will say somethign sweet and supportive. Then later today she will call back and be totally the opposite saying that thsi is stupid and why should she feel bad about yesterday as I was the one ignoring her.. I call it sleeping or trying too!!!!
Oh damn no message.... she's pissed
Gonna be an interesting 24 hours.. she actually hass tonight off for a change but didn't know it until this morning. Won't surprise me if she comes over to my place to find me to talk... kind of makes you feel good about yourself when someone is willing to work so hard to keep you. sort of...
Tuesday July 16, 2002
Dear Diary, well cant' say I did much last night. Workout and then laid down about 7:30 and was out until 6:30 this morning. I tend to do that when I'm feeling down or depressed or have so much on my mind that throughout the day I tend to just get so mentally exhausted.
So therapy yesterday was.. ?? I don't know. For the first time in 9 sessions or whatever it is that I have been going I asked to stop early. I think the way I asked was "I'm done talking, okay?" Just tired of it all. I keep trying to tell myself that Amanda is right for me, the one Amanda I really want to be with the. But it's the other Amanda that I can't stand to be around. Then I start thinking that the only time we trully get along is in bed, but that's not true. We have had plenty of great moments that weren't related to sex. Damn I hate relationships. I so wish I could just come and go when I please but that wouldn't be fair to her.
I left my therapy session with no real answers, no less issues regarding this past weekend.. if anything I left with more questions for myslef to answer. Not a good day.
So around 8pm or so Amanda calls and asks that we don't discuss anything as she doesn't want a bad night. Okay... so we pretty much sat there with dead silence... ho hum.... eventuallu she spoke up and said she was going out with some friends from work.. GOOD!!!! i want her to socialize with more than just me!!! I spent 11 years with a woman who made me her habit, her priority in life on a day to day basis. This is where the term get a life comes from. There is more to do and live for that just your significant other!!!! Wnat to smother someone.. spend 7 days a week, wevery waking hour and and every psosible minute you can with each other.... eventually we all want our space adn we will explode!! At least I do.
Towards the end of the call she asks if it's bad.. whatever I need to talk about. I answer no, unless you want it to be. I left my therapist with the idea that this was it. I'm done and it's time to just stop seeing each other. But as soon as i see her or even hear her voice I totally reverse my feelings and thoughts. We breifly discussed what happend on Sunday. How I did not appreciate the way she treated me and that when I am around that "Amanda" I really want to call it quits, this is not the girl I am crazy for. She kept saying that she expalined why she was like that yesterday in her message and that she is just going stir crzy and needs to get out. I kind of exploded there... I told her you are talking about two different subjects and one doesn't warrant the other. Sunday was about me sleeping and not having sex with you. The other subject is regarding me not spending enough time with you and spending our one evening together sitting around the house. Anyhow the discussion was pretty much ended there, no resolve, no actions, nothing... but to be continued today sometime.
So she goes out. Calls me at 11:30 to let me know she got home safe.. that was nice. I would have woke up soon and start to worry if she hadn't doen that.
Well now it's a game of who calls who first. She goes to work at 9:45, another 5 minutes so...... yeah I'm a stubborn bastard but damn it I don't feel I need to aplogize or make any changes to what I did or said over the past 2.5 days. I'm not the one that got the f'n attitude. I don't feel I neglected her at all. I made additional tiem for her on my Sundays with my kid. I've been giving up my gym and my sleep for more time with her.....
You know what. Not anymore. I love working out. I love looking better and bigger. I will not sacrifice my life style, my child, my work, or anything else for one person. That's just asking for misery in my mind. So we will talk, we will work things out but not at my expense.
Okay so I just wonder what people think of this now? Since it would seem that not many are responding anymore to my posts here.. boredom? Not intersted in the innerworking of madman?? LOL
If you all could be me for a week and see and hear the things she says or does you'd have a better understand of my position. She needs a lot, and has a lot of issues. Baggage as they say. Well like I told my therapist baggage is fine but just don't expect to start unpacking it all at once!!!! We all have issues and baggage, maybe me more than most men of my age, I don't know maybe not. But still you work together to understand each other and understand why they do and think the way they do. You be supportive when they need it, Amanda needs a lot of support.. sometimes more than I am capable of offering. But then again it doesn't help when you are supportive and offer helpful ideas to get out of certain jam and then turn around and completley ignore everything you have done or said.. She still unsure of where or when she is moving. In the mean time she has already let one option slip away, actually two options. Staying with me won't happen. I just can't see that working out.
anyhow... got to get back to work.
Dear Diary, well cant' say I did much last night. Workout and then laid down about 7:30 and was out until 6:30 this morning. I tend to do that when I'm feeling down or depressed or have so much on my mind that throughout the day I tend to just get so mentally exhausted.
So therapy yesterday was.. ?? I don't know. For the first time in 9 sessions or whatever it is that I have been going I asked to stop early. I think the way I asked was "I'm done talking, okay?" Just tired of it all. I keep trying to tell myself that Amanda is right for me, the one Amanda I really want to be with the. But it's the other Amanda that I can't stand to be around. Then I start thinking that the only time we trully get along is in bed, but that's not true. We have had plenty of great moments that weren't related to sex. Damn I hate relationships. I so wish I could just come and go when I please but that wouldn't be fair to her.
I left my therapy session with no real answers, no less issues regarding this past weekend.. if anything I left with more questions for myslef to answer. Not a good day.
So around 8pm or so Amanda calls and asks that we don't discuss anything as she doesn't want a bad night. Okay... so we pretty much sat there with dead silence... ho hum.... eventuallu she spoke up and said she was going out with some friends from work.. GOOD!!!! i want her to socialize with more than just me!!! I spent 11 years with a woman who made me her habit, her priority in life on a day to day basis. This is where the term get a life comes from. There is more to do and live for that just your significant other!!!! Wnat to smother someone.. spend 7 days a week, wevery waking hour and and every psosible minute you can with each other.... eventually we all want our space adn we will explode!! At least I do.
Towards the end of the call she asks if it's bad.. whatever I need to talk about. I answer no, unless you want it to be. I left my therapist with the idea that this was it. I'm done and it's time to just stop seeing each other. But as soon as i see her or even hear her voice I totally reverse my feelings and thoughts. We breifly discussed what happend on Sunday. How I did not appreciate the way she treated me and that when I am around that "Amanda" I really want to call it quits, this is not the girl I am crazy for. She kept saying that she expalined why she was like that yesterday in her message and that she is just going stir crzy and needs to get out. I kind of exploded there... I told her you are talking about two different subjects and one doesn't warrant the other. Sunday was about me sleeping and not having sex with you. The other subject is regarding me not spending enough time with you and spending our one evening together sitting around the house. Anyhow the discussion was pretty much ended there, no resolve, no actions, nothing... but to be continued today sometime.
So she goes out. Calls me at 11:30 to let me know she got home safe.. that was nice. I would have woke up soon and start to worry if she hadn't doen that.
Well now it's a game of who calls who first. She goes to work at 9:45, another 5 minutes so...... yeah I'm a stubborn bastard but damn it I don't feel I need to aplogize or make any changes to what I did or said over the past 2.5 days. I'm not the one that got the f'n attitude. I don't feel I neglected her at all. I made additional tiem for her on my Sundays with my kid. I've been giving up my gym and my sleep for more time with her.....
You know what. Not anymore. I love working out. I love looking better and bigger. I will not sacrifice my life style, my child, my work, or anything else for one person. That's just asking for misery in my mind. So we will talk, we will work things out but not at my expense.
Okay so I just wonder what people think of this now? Since it would seem that not many are responding anymore to my posts here.. boredom? Not intersted in the innerworking of madman?? LOL
If you all could be me for a week and see and hear the things she says or does you'd have a better understand of my position. She needs a lot, and has a lot of issues. Baggage as they say. Well like I told my therapist baggage is fine but just don't expect to start unpacking it all at once!!!! We all have issues and baggage, maybe me more than most men of my age, I don't know maybe not. But still you work together to understand each other and understand why they do and think the way they do. You be supportive when they need it, Amanda needs a lot of support.. sometimes more than I am capable of offering. But then again it doesn't help when you are supportive and offer helpful ideas to get out of certain jam and then turn around and completley ignore everything you have done or said.. She still unsure of where or when she is moving. In the mean time she has already let one option slip away, actually two options. Staying with me won't happen. I just can't see that working out.
anyhow... got to get back to work.
It's not that no one cares or that no one's reading your posts...I think it is that no one knows what to say. Well at least I don't. I am sorry you are having problems. That sucks. I have been married 14 years and somedays I don't like my husband. Sometimes it is for several day or more. I don't want him to look at me or touch me much less have sex. But eventually it fades and life looks better. I think you have something with Amanda other than "just" sex or you would have gotten out already. But that is my opinion and you have to make your own decisions. I wish you luck and I hope you find what you think you are looking for.
BTW I love reading your diary...the good, bad, and the ugly are all GOOD reading. Thanx for sharing.
BTW I love reading your diary...the good, bad, and the ugly are all GOOD reading. Thanx for sharing.
Thanks
I hear ya. I was married for 11 years and had many, many days like that. Still do and I onlytalk to her once a week!!!!
Not sure if I put this in mydiary or not but I'll say it now just in case.
I'm a woman ,... just kidding LOL
When I first saw Amanda I was taken by her beauty. Then she sat next to me on her own, no invite nothing and we chatted a little. It was ncie, nothing special but then again nothing ackward. I eventually got her phone number from one of teh bartenders, she left it for them to give me. I still have the note in my wallet, with her picture. In the 11 years with my ex I never, veer ad a pciture of her in my wallet. Now I have two, my son Carter and Amanda.
When we first met for dinner, Tuesday March 26, not really a date as of yet, that was to happen the next Monday. She just met me for my rituallistic dinner at Outback before I go play midget bouncer at the titty bar. But as soon as we started talking and laughing, and smiling I knew I was in trouble. I was overtaken by this woman. I knew that my life of being single for as short as it was was done with. She was special and I knew it. I so wanted to kiss her after 15 minutes together but I had a mouth full of steak and figured that wouldn't have went over too well. We did eventually kiss before the night was over.... and it was a great kiss!!! Damn this girl can kiss!!!!!! I ended up staying with her that first night. We are adults and we both know what we were doing... right???
Okay from here... the next few weeks were just me on cloud nine. I was falling in love with this woman. I had never felt this way about anyone in my life. I saw us growing old. I saw us being together forever... not normall man thoughts if you ask me. I found myself on the verge of tears just thinking about the possiblity of losing her to cancer... she has been in remission for about 12 years. I couldn't believe I almost crying at that thought of not having her in my life. I mean the entire month of April was great. Special. Magical. I honestly feel I fell in love with this woman. So caring al lthe time. Always making sure I was happy as can be. I couldn't ask for anything more for her.
All was fine until that other side of her came out, April 26 my birthday. We had our first fight and I saw a side of her I did not liek that night. She was rude, she was a little too racial for me. She said a few things that didn't hurt me but sure did piss me off. I think since then is when I guess I keep looking for reasons to fall out of love with her.......
she's on the phone right now...... we aren't talking, well we are kind of..... blah
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