I need some serious relationship advice.

[Mudge]

It seems like nobody wants the dedicated, good man until they have been through some sh!t a few times.

Step back, take a deep breath, and hopefully some clarity will come through for both of you.

 

[djrx06]

Originally posted by Victoria
See what confuses me is that I dont know if I want to leave because I "should", or if I want to leave because Im running away from fearing thoughts in my mind.

One one side of the scale, I think taking time apart will help us both appreciate each other and ourselves - and the other side, I think taking time apart will be the cowardly way out. I can be a big stubborn ass. Where I will grow horns just to prove to myself that I can live without him. Unnecessarily.

Im still a mess just for having these uncontrollable thoughts and insecurities. But I have narrowed a couple things down from everyones help. I need to find out how to find myself without changing my living quarters (realistically), and not running with the wind.

Maybe all these business trips will do us good?

You are thinking entirely way too much.
You DO NOT need to leave him. You just have to find yourself. It is up to you on how to do it. PM me if you would like to talk.

 

[J'Bo]

not hypnotized just confident that your worth his love and that he wouldnt go somewhere else.

 

[J'Bo]

Originally posted by Mudge
It seems like nobody wants the dedicated, good man until they have been through some sh!t a few times.

Step back, take a deep breath, and hopefully some clarity will come through for both of you.

Not true...i am somebody who has goent through shit...i loved going through it because i learnt and now i pretty much know it all

 

[Victoria]

Ok. I will breathe. Im going to really try to stop thinking about it today. Its like, the more I think about it, the bigger a mess it becomes. And when I dont think about it, Im fine.

Thinking thoughts is the problem here anyway... I will put this to rest today.

This is good. Its almost like writing into a diary and getting feedback from it. Thanks guys. A lot. Maybe all this confusion unloaded on this thread has done me more good than I thought it would.

I will be back with the sequel to my dramatic mind. I really did take all of your advice to heart. And we - he and I- will share it together.

Ill be back soon . believe me.

-V

 

[pogo]

Originally posted by Victoria


Im beginning to feel like even though we are soulmates, I will be happier alone. Does anyone ever feel like this? Ever? And how the hell do you reassure yourself when this is your own battle within?

Any advice would truly do me wonders right now. ( thanks.
-V

Victoria I don't want to disilusion you or hurt your feelings but I have been married for 23 years and love my wife now more than ever....That said alot of it has been from growing up together.
I get kinda concerned when I see the word Soulmates... Be very carful not to have unreasonably high expectations of romantic love for another humanbeing. We are all just human! Another point all guys don't give in to the urge to cheat any more than all girls don't ! Remember cheating on a committed relationship does not say bad or pitiful things about the short commings of the individual who did not cheat so much as it says bad things about the character of the one who did. I guess I am trying to say breath in breath out you can never control what another individual will do when you are not with them...so screw it just be happy with and have faith! If visions of infadelities dance in your head despite all this you will likley feel this way your whole life unless you come to peace with your self.

Best of luck Victoria...sounds like you are wourthy of being faithful to...so why wouldn't he be.

 

[Mudge]

Originally posted by Victoria
Ok. I will breathe. Im going to really try to stop thinking about it today. Its like, the more I think about it, the bigger a mess it becomes. And when I dont think about it, Im fine.

You know how they say trust your instincts? It is true in nearly everything. If your car is going out of control, dont think about what to do, just do it (of course most people have no road course training so they slam on the brakes like idiots and skate into something).

This is what time apart is good for, stop thinking about things, and what you really want will come to you.

 

[Mudge]

This doesn't really apply, but I watched a show on stress yesterday and they mentioned something about people caring for those with alzheimer's, paraphrased of course.

Dont try to expect miracles out of people, dont expect to be able to take that person and fix them to be perfect and normal again as you only set yourself up for dissapointment. Enjoy each day that you spend with that person and revel in small triumphs.

So I suppose sometimes its good to look at the small picture, sometimes it is good to narrow your vision. Ultimately though we all deal with stress differently and have to figure out what works for us best when dealing with one issue or another, all in all though constantly dwelling on negative feelings or things you see as a problem will just make things far worse.

Most of the program had to deal with how different people respond to stress in different ways, as well as cortisol and its affects on the body, most of which are only negative in the LONG term which emphasizes that you should NOT dwell on things.

 

[Victoria]

Originally posted by Mudge
Dont try to expect miracles out of people, dont expect to be able to take that person and fix them to be perfect and normal again as you only set yourself up for dissapointment. Enjoy each day that you spend with that person and revel in small triumphs.

you guys are amazing.

pogo- you made me cry... screw it, you all made me cry. i needed to have a good bawling. you all really made me think.

mudge, i need to print out that quote. And live by it. I have never heard something more true in my life. That rings true in all aspects of life.

 

[Victoria]

Actually, Mudge, Im printing the whole thing out.

 

[Mudge]

Find reasons to smile every day, there are all kinds of reasons to do so

 

[J'Bo]

like being able to train...and having someone that loves you unconditionally...and being able to see and have the ability to do what ever the heck you want in life damn i am happy now

 

[PB&J]

My wife and are going through the exact same thing, I used to be jealous but I learned my lesson before we got married. Now it's switched sides as she is so jealous I can't do shit without a billion questions and reassurance and it's gotten even worse, I have never done anything to give her reason to doubt me.


I am so tired of it we have separated twice this year. I would have pushed the divorce but I am not a hard ass and can't stand to see her crying.

Anyway if you can't trust the guy that has never done anything he will eventually leave, although there are a few guys like me that give women more chances then they deserve, eventually they will stand up for themselves and end it.

 

[Dero]

Ever heard of the "Grass is always GREENER on the other side of the fence syndrom"???That's what it smell to me!!!
LEAVING,why????????
Look around you,you have something that many people are fighting to aquire or will NEVER have in a lifetime
and you are ready to throw it away?????
Wake up and smell the roses!!!
You doubt YOURSELF,stop blaming him.I think you need to re-adjust what YOU expect outta a relationship.Take a step back and read what you are posting here, if a friend of your's would come up to you and ask you for some help,what would you say???(if that friend had the same non existing problem you now have or not have)
People tend to realise they have something good when that something is GONE and not accessible anymore.
(when it's too late!!!)
Many good advices have been given to you,but YOU AND ONLY YOU can solve this dilema,sorry it's not hard to figure out...
No big misteries,YOU HAVE TO WANT IT ...

Hope this helps

 

[gr81]

Here is the problem. You are the one that has issues dear and you need to be the one to work those out before you can have a truly intimate relationship without sabotaging it subconsciously. If it is true that he is this great guy that does everything for you and is considerate nd has never cheated then that leads me to believe you have some issues hidden away in your past that you haven't dealt with which would lead to you not being able to handle things going so well. I advise you to go and talk with someone and learn to address the deeper issues you are having b/c it certainly isn't his behavior from how you described and you may end up causing problems for the both of you later on continuing down this road. Hope that helped

 

[pogo]

You the Man Mudge! good advise....
The secret too along life "don't die !" The secret to along marriage "don't quit and don't die!"