Joke Of The Day Thread......

[nkira]

Just to lighten up everyones mood......

THE NEW PRIEST

A new priest at his first mass was so scared, he could
hardly speak. After the Mass was over he asked the
Monsignor how he'd done? The Monsignor said fine, but
next time it might help if you put some gin or vodka
in your glass to help relax you. The next Sunday the
priest put some vodka in his glass and really talked
up a storm. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how
he'd done? The Monsignor says fine but there are
a few things we need to get straightened out:

1) There are 10 commandments not 12
2) There are 12 disciples not 10
3) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh1t out of him
4) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
5) Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
6) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook
7) They crucified Jesus, they didn't nail his a$$ to the cross


Contribute.........

 

[nkira]

A man was out driving when he saw a police car in his rear-view mirror,
with it's siren wailing. The man pulled over and the police car stopped
behind him. The policeman approached the man's car and said to the man:
"Do you know that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?"

The man replied: "Oh thank God! I thought I had gone deaf!"

 

[nkira]

Two girls were roommates.

One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the
way to the bathroom.

She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!"

Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so.

Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking
guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening.

Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates."

"Why not?"

"They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's s*x, s*x, s*x!
Nothing but a pain in the a$$!"

Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey,
you're doing it wrong!"

 

[Little Wing]

Bailout

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. Give me all your money.

He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?" The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"

 

[Little Wing]

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40, please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That' s right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

 

[Little Wing]

Naked Truth

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
So he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

 

[Little Wing]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, settingit on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited.

Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?

 

[Jarhed]

 

[IronAddict]

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,''

 

[Little Wing]

 

[Jarhed]

A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING

A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:

"7feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and begins shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says,

"What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says,

"I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says,

"Turner Brown?!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around!"

 

[DiGiTaL]

Jarhed LMAO