MonStar's Journal: Stopping the Madness!

[M.J.H.]

WTF!?

It's time to stop this madness!

I am so sick of feeling out of control. I am so sick of binging and feeling like nothing but total and awful sh*t. I am so tired of this G*DDAMN F*CKING CRAP. I don't need this ridiculous cycle over and over and over again in my life. It's getting out of control and I can't f*cking stand it anymore. I don't mean to sit here and b*tch and complain, but I am 20 years old, and in college, and I do NOT need to be feeling like total sh*t all the time.

I regularly over and over again go through this same eating and training cycle. I eat somewhat clean or low-carb or something along those lines for a couple of days. Maybe even a week if I am lucky. And then all of the sudden out of nowhere, I decide that I am going to go on an all-out binge and gorge myself for 6-8 hours with more food than anyone can possibly imagine. No joke, 15K+ calories easy.

I am not sure what to do, I am going to try and hang in there and continue reading my book on binging. Hopefully I'll find the strength to stop this ridiculous painful cycle.

 

[Mudge]

Thats crazy man, I have never personally counted more than 6500 or so myself, I'm sure I could do more but I'd feel so crappy I think that would be my limitation. I have binging issues also but nowhere near that bad, sadly for me though it hits me much worse than you apparently.

One way to avoid it for me, stay out of the grocery store unless you are stocking up, in other words dont go in there every couple days like I was from time to time, too easy to pickup impulse items. I have to be a bit negative towards myself to stay away from fast foods and the like.

Hey, read my sig

 

[Cardinal]

What all have you tried in the past to combat the problem? I remember from a really old thread at avant that you used NHE for a time. Maybe try making a list of what worked and what didn't and also those things you have yet to try but should to combat the problem. Then prioritize the list and stick to it. Most likely you already have a good clue what needs to be done. Just a matter of implementation.

Echoing mudge, I must say, your problem binging seems to take the cake. I can outbinge most in total food volume, but I haven't taken out 15,000 kcals straight over 6-8 hours though. Wow, I am impressed!

 

[Cold Iron]

Don't go to the grocery store when hungry.

 

[Cold Iron]

Might help


http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/showthread.php?t=36931

 

[Saturday Fever]

Stop making new journal. No more fucking excuses or bullshit Mike. STOP MAKING NEW JOURNALS. If you want a stop to the bullshit, stop making new journals. That's all I'm going to say.

 

[Jenny]

Mike, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. PM me if you want to talk

 

[Sapphire]

Hi Mike!

Do you think maybe you are going too low carb and that is what is making you binge? Maybe you need more clean carbs everyday... and a controlled cheat on the weekend?

We all struggle with our diet Hun, it's OK , dont beat yourself up so badly. You are probably being too hard on yourself.

Think about incorporating MORE carbs in everyday... Good luck

 

[P-funk]

think about just getting some discipline......this is pathetic.

 

[ncgirl21]

I'm sorry your having such a hard time sweetie . I don't really think that binging is something that just goes away though. It will probably always be there in the back of your mind, it's just something that you have to LEARN to avoid. It reminds me of the whole Last Supper mentality. Like we think we are never ever going to eat any of this shit again, so we have to eat it all right now and then start over tommorow. But the thing you have to remember is ANY food can work into your diet so there's no need to binge on anything. You can have it, whenever you want, just fit it in your calories. That's just my take on it, you know I'm here if you want to talk hun!!

 

[bulletproof1]

think about just getting some discipline......this is pathetic.

this post has my vote.

does this line sound familiar?

"This is going to be my final journal here at IM. Moderators please delete any new journal that I start from this point on. Do not let me start another journal, no matter what." by monstar

since he wrote this line, i believe he has started 3 new journals.

 

[M.J.H.]

Mudge: Hey man, the thing is that I never go to the grocery store and binge, etc. It's always at work, since we get free food. Or it's on the way home from work or even at home. It's always like a decision type of thing. I'll decide to binge at 4:00 PM let's say and I won't stop until midnight or later. And trust me, I have spend $15-20 before at Taco Bell or McDonald's, I am easily eating 10K+ calories.

The worst part about it as I was starting to binge and just stuff myself beyond a doubt. I was thinking about why. Why was I doing this, and I think because it was making me feel better? Eating and pigging out temporarily took my mind off of everything else. Almost like alcohol or something along those lines.

Cardinal: I have tried and tried and tried to combat this problem. I don't know what the f*ck the problem is. I mean mentally its the hardest thing that I have ever tried to stop, and not been able to. It seems like no matter what I do, what I read, what I try and do to stop it, I can't gain control of it. I am going to pick up another book today on binging, and see if I can find any other ways to try and get in control of it.

Arnie's left nu: I don't, bro, but thanks. Thanks for link as well, some helpful info in that thread.

SF: You're absolutely right, and this is nothing but f*cking bullshit. I can't even stand typing out the first post to a new journal anymore. It just annoys me that I have to start all over again. I don't know why the F*CK I can't get in control of my eating. It's godd*mn f*cking pathetic. And it's godd*mn f*cking frustrating that I feel like I can have all the dedication or discipline in the world with my training or supplements, but for some reason I can't eat clean. WTF?

Jenny: Thank you, I really appreciate that.

Cyndi: Yeah I am starting to think that maybe I am a little too hard on myself. But there's still no excuse for pathetic binging over and over and over again. I mean going all out spend all kinds of $ on complete and total junkfood. Eating an entire pizza and 15 minutes later feeling like total sh*t. Speaking of me being hard on myself I am going to quote a PM from IM member, chris mason that really motivated me:

Personally, I think you should look at the end result of what you perceive as your problem and see it is pretty darn good. You are huge, strong, and lean. You have a better physique than 95% of the trainees out there.

When you are so hard on yourself you need to take a step back and ask why. Look at yourself, you look great. It should be EVERYONE ELSE who is so stressed about what they ate etc.

This PM just really made me think about my priorities in life, and everything like that. I stress so much about binging and all that, etc.

P-funk: I think if it was that simple bro, I would have done it a long time ago. It goes far beyond discipline, trust me.

Andrea: Yeah even in the books and articles that I have read on binging it seems that it never full goes completely away. It's almost like you can put it aside and minimize it to the point where it's almost forgotten about. But people with BED (binge eating disorder) always have that desire to go all out and eat everything in sight. The problem with my case of BED is that I go all out and eat nothing but junk. Some people with BED binge on like carrots, or on salad, lol.

bulletproof1: Thanks for stopping by.

 

[bulletproof1]

nobodys journals here are perfect. people dont always stay as strict as they want. people dont always see the results that they want. some may just have a bad day and temporarily lose focus. you gotta get back up though dude. dont start a new journal because you had a glazed donut or whatever the case may be. you have plenty of support in your journals backing you 100%. people may start questioning why they are supporting though. i mean the bottom line is, the effort has to come from you. dust off your britches and saddle back up bro. it aint over til you say its over.

 

[M.J.H.]

bulletproof1: Awesome post bro, thanks for taking the time to write it. I appreciate it a great deal and you're 100% right. I am not going to just say f*ck it and start a new journal because that's f*cking ridiculous. If everyone on this site started a new journal when they cheated/went overboard, we would have a million 2-3 page journals. One thing I wanted to add though, was that it's a lot more than a donut, lol. Try and entire box of donuts along with an entire pizza along with 4-5 king size candy bars, finishing that up with tons of soda and ice-cream, etc. It's beyond out of control. Trust me. But there's no reason I can't get in control.

 

[P-funk]

yeah, and even if you fuck up quite startgin another damn journal....it is annoying the shit out of me.

go get blood work done. maybe you have a hormone problem. have you seen an endocrinologist before?

 

[fantasma62]

Mike, first thing is, you are 20 years old and in college. What I wouldn't give right now to be where you are, binging or not. Man, at 20 and up to 23 (when I met my current wife), I was out there partying, working out, meeting young ladies, studying and having the time of my life.

Have you thought that what you really need is to just distract yourself? Do you know that one of the biggest causes of binging is boredom? Another one is stress. What you seem to be is stressed beyond belief. Mike, I don't want to see you 10 years from now when you have a wife and a family and have to handle more stress, because I just think that you can't handle it. In fact, I pray that you are alive then, because you are destroying yourself if you are already all stressed out and feeling like $hit all the time.
You need to take a pause and think of what makes you happy and do it. You love working out right? Keep working out. You like to eat? Then eat. I mean, what are you going to do, your metabolism at 20 is at 100mph and you may not have to worry so much. This will go contrary to everything that you have learned and what people have told you, in fact, I wouldn't do that myself, but I just think that you are, oh, so close to becoming depressed that I don't know what else to tell you.
Just think about what you love to do, as I said above, and do it. Do you love starting new journals? I have an idea, start journals to yourself. Get on MS Word and type in crap, anything that comes to your mind and then read it to yourself. That way you won't feel stressed, low and so down on yourself.....
I hope this helps....

 

[bulletproof1]

if stress is playing that big of a part in it pick up a book on meditating or something to help clear your mind.

 

[Mudge]

And trust me, I have spend $15-20 before at Taco Bell or McDonald's, I am easily eating 10K+ calories.

I never bought fries much unless I bought combos, but generally each item is going to put you 400-700 calories.

Burger King double cheeseburger 2 for 2 was my favorite, each double is 540 calories. So for $4 I had 2160 calories, then for another couple bucks I'd have a large shake. So you'd have to be eating all sale items really to be hitting 10k calories for $15-$20... Even supersizing my meals and replacing the soda with a large shake, I could never achieve that same bang for the buck ratio

Learn how to tweak yourself. If you need to get pissed off even at the thought of cheating so badly, then do it. If you need to never look at the fast food joint as you drive by as you mutter under your breath, then do it. Find what works man.

 

[Saturday Fever]

Do yourself one better, my friend. Drop this journal and go back to the other one and just pick up the pieces.

 

[M.J.H.]

P-funk: I have never gotten blood work done, actually. I am considering it though, a few people have told me to consider it. Maybe it is a horomonal problem, who knows. At this point I think that it could be anything.

Tony: I think that stress plays a major role in my binging, but I am not sure why. I never really have anything major to get stressed out about, but somehow I just manage to freak out about every little thing. It drives me crazy, quite frankly. A lot of times believe it or not I end up stressing out like crazy about nothing at all. I mean for whatever reason if this makes any sense, I sometimes binge and stay home, alone, rather than go out and be social. As crazy as that sounds binging is almost more important to me (at the time). If someone asks to go out and I am in the middle of a binge, I'll tell them I am busy or something along those lines. First of all I feel fat, so that's a huge reason. Second of all I am starting to feel like sh*t from binging to begin with, etc. It's just an awful habit that has taken over my entire life.

bulletproof1: Yeah stress, boredom, a number of factors play into it. Yet somehow during all this with my binging, etc. My workouts always manage to be very positive.

Mudge: LOL, trust me bro, I am almost embarassed when I go to a fast food place and binge. That's when you know something is wrong. I'll spend $15 at Taco Bell and not even think twice. It's absolutely out of control, I mean there is no other way to better describe it. I am going to gain control though, no matter what it f*cking takes. I always feel sorry for myself and get pissed at myself, etc. F*ck that, not anymore. I am going to stop b*tching and complaining. I am the only one who can put the food in my mouth.

SF: I would man, but I mean this journal is exactly what I want to do. Stop the madness, stop the OCD, stop the binging, stop everything.

 

[M.J.H.]

Monday; 9-27-2004

Shoulders

Great workout today, really hit my shoulders hard. Pump was awesome, and my shoulders really felt exhausted afterwards. I am trying to bring up my shoulders, honestly. Put some more effort and intensity into my shoulder workouts.

Seated DB Presses
3 sets of 5 with the 90's
2 sets of 10 with the 75's

DB Front Raises
4 sets of 6 with the 50's

Upright Rows
2 sets of 8 with 145
2 sets of 3 with 195

Nautilus Lateral Raises
2 sets of 12 with 180

Overhead DB strength lately has been phenomenal. Not even that it's anything all that great but compared to what I was doing, I think that I have made a huge step in the right direction. Somehow a few months ago I couldn't handle more than the 70's on seated presses, and now I am throwing around the 90's or the 100's. Not sure what happened. Strength literally out of nowhere. Front raises were good, hit my front delts hard. Upright rows I hit a nice PR with 195. Used a little momentum to get the weight up but nothing too bad at all. Finished up today with some machine laterals. Good workout.

Diet:
- 1/2 peanut butter sandwich
- V-12 preworkout
- whey protein postworkout
- apple
- turkey & cheese sandwich
- grilled chicken + cheese
- chicken salad wrap
- 1/2 turkey & cheese sandwich
- cottage cheese + mixed fruit
- MRP + 1% milk
- peanut butter

Sleep: 8 hours.

 

[Mudge]

I am going to gain control though, no matter what it f*cking takes. I always feel sorry for myself and get pissed at myself, etc. F*ck that, not anymore. I am going to stop b*tching and complaining. I am the only one who can put the food in my mouth.

Sounds good man, sometimes this works for me. Dont even mention the failure, just dont let it happen again, period. Right now this is what I'm going through, but in terms of too few calories. I had been bad about my diet for about 2 weeks running so instead of saying anything about it, I just started making sure to hit my caloric needs per meal and per day, no excuses because only I can hold myself accountable and only I can choose to succeed or not.

 

[M.J.H.]

Mudge: Thanks for the post, I think you're right on saying that it's best to not even think about failure. There is no question about it, I am going to stop this ridiculous cycle of eating. I mean no matter what, failure is not an option. I have been reading and reading in this new book I bought today on binging, and it's a 6-step process to stop, and I think I am really going to stick it out. No question about it.

 

[Jenny]

Sounds good man, sometimes this works for me. Dont even mention the failure, just dont let it happen again, period. Right now this is what I'm going through, but in terms of too few calories. I had been bad about my diet for about 2 weeks running so instead of saying anything about it, I just started making sure to hit my caloric needs per meal and per day, no excuses because only I can hold myself accountable and only I can choose to succeed or not.

great post mudge

 

[Rocco32]

Hey Mike, got some great support in here. Doing good buddy, w/o's look great. That DB Overhead press is just incredible! Keep doing awesome

 

[M.J.H.]

Jenny: Agreed, I am the only one who is responsible for my success, and for my failure.

rock4832: Thanks for the support bud, I really appreciate it. I am going to try and really focus on my shoulders a lot more. I guess just because I never really have in the past. My shoulders always got thrown in with chest or another bodypart. Never really isolated them on their own day, and focused specifically on them. So hopefully I'll see some gains in future. We'll see what happens.

 

[Rocco32]

Crap man, that's just scary if your shoulders get STRONGER!!!!!! LOL

 

[gr81]

I don't really know you monstar, and I don't usually follow journals too closely either, but I thought it appropriate to say a few words. I am not sure what exactly you are going though, but I CAN tell you that being 20 and in college is like this for everyone bro. there is a reason the suicide rate is the highest amongst college students, this is an incredibly awkward and difficult time, full of stress an anxiety about the future. Probably more so than any other time in your life. We have all been there, its normal to feel lost and frustrated, believe that! I think that you need to stop setting unrealistic goals for yourself, you seem to expect perfection, and if you don't get it you get pissed and crumple up your paper to start again and this seems to be your cycle.. Instead of starting from the preverbial drawing board, you need to learn to build on what you have, both your mistakes and your achievements. Otherwise you will just end up repeating the mistakes, ya feel me? If I am wrong and way off base then feel free to say so. No one is perfect, not even the gr81..lol j/p, and to just wake up and announce that you are gonna change everything around starting now is unrealistic. Thats like an addict proclaiming to himself after he has his drink, that he is done, that was his last and from tommorrow on you shall be perfect. Another analogy is a person who is out of shape proclaiming they are done with this lifestyle and from now on everything in their diet will be spotless. Its important to want to better yourself and set high goals, but if you are unrealistic you are only setting yourself up for failure. a good definition of insanity could be doing the same thing over and over expecting different results, ya feel me? Instead of the out of shape person demanding perfection immediately, they need to be realistic and understand that change happens over time. Find someone you can talk to about things. Exlporing intreenal issues you may have with someone can open your eyes for sure. And just as important, take it one step at a time, one rep at a time, one meal at a time. an instead of dwelling on the mistakes of the past, use them to look to the future. Focus on the positive things you have accomplished instead, there are lots of things there bro. anyways, hoep I could help.. good luck playa

 

[Saturday Fever]

No one is perfect, not even the gr81..

You have Vogelpohl in your signature. You may not be perfect but that lands you damn close.

 

[gr81]