nasty/dirty joke thread

[hoyle21]

A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. ‘You’ve got two choices,’ says the bear. ‘I maul you, or we have sex.’
The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him.
‘Admit it,’ says the bear. ‘You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?’

 

[ShreddedOatz]

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

__________________________________________________________________________

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

 

[Thresh]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?
Can't fuck a table.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.

How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.

What's purple, covered in pus and squeals?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.

What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?
A baby shot through a snowblower.

Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can see the expression on its face.

What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Stopping it with a shovel.

What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies?
You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?
The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth.

What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall?
Ripping them off again.

Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?
I don't know why they didn't either.

What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex.

What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A trashcan lid in a dead baby.

What's red, screams and goes around in circles?
A baby with its foot nailed to the floor.

What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ?
Cancer.

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

What do you call a 30week-old preemie?
An Appetizer.

How do you prevent a baby from exploding in the microwave?
Poke holes in it with a coat hanger.

What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its throat.

What's grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree?
Nailing it to a dead puppy.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Crib death.

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor?
An erection.

How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is around to hear it,
is it still hilarious?

If you rape Helen Keller in the forest, and no one is around to hear it,
Is it still halarious?

How do you stop Helen Kelker from telling anyone about the rape in the forest?
Smash her fingers with the log you used on her.



5"10
200lbs
BF = around 15% (guess)
600mg Tren E, 325mg Test Cyp week

 

[Vibrant]

A just married couple:

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

[coolhandjames]

What d'ya say to a women with two black eyes ?

Nothing... you already told her twice.

 

[Thresh]

What d'ya say to a women with two black eyes ?

Nothing... you already told her twice.

Irish sunglasses


5"10
200lbs
BF = around 15% (guess)
600mg Tren E, 325mg Test Cyp week

 

[Thresh]

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"
Kinky bitch.


Who here wants to play a game of rape?
No? That's the spirit!



5"10
200lbs
BF = around 15% (guess)
600mg Tren E, 325mg Test Cyp week

 

[desmorris]

lol... stupid jokes....

 

[Thresh]

Well you people are fucking lame.

Let's get this shit going again...



Morpheus and Neo are plugged in to the Matrix and having a chat.

Morpheus turns to Neo, "In this world you can be anything you want."

There is a short silence.

Neo: "Then why are you a nigger?
#
Off to the hospital with the pregnant wife tomorrow for the twelve week scan.

I can't wait to see what we're having, a boy or an abortion.
#
I jokingly told my girlfriend that her farts smelled like dead babies & she flipped out.

She's been acting so weird since the abortion.
#
Good news for terminal cancer patients...

Clocks go back this weekend so that's an extra hour.
#
What's grey, runs along walls and kills Jews?

Gas Pipes.
#
Hitler walks into the meeting room and turns to his trusted staff, "I want you to organise the execution of 10,000 Jews and 1 kitten."
Everyone looks around the table and after a long silence, Goering pipes up, "Mein Führer, why do you want to kill a kitten?"
Hitler smiles and turns to the rest of the table, "You see, no one cares about the Jews."
#
I feel sorry for Anne Frank. First she gets her diary published, which is every girl's worst nightmare, but on top of that she doesn't get any money from it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.
#

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"

Not the best move Anne Frank ever made.
#








5"10
200lbs
BF = around 15% (guess)
600mg Tren E, 325mg Test Cyp week

 

[Thresh]

5"10
200lbs
BF = around 15% (guess)
600mg Tren E, 325mg Test Cyp week