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Remembering Erik

BoneCrusher said:
It is good to see you as you go through the upswing you are on. Thanks for sharing it. Some of us are on our own journies from a bad situation to a new life. Seeing you go through your strugles helps me to deal with mine. :)
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I could never ask for a better benefit than that which you wrote. And you're right, it was an okay day. I know this isn't the normal type of thread. If anything it's become more of a journal than anything else. But if my experiences can help one person, than it's worth every word. Your words are inspirational. I've been yelling at myself (and mostly ignoring me) that I need to step out of pity land and re-enter the living. There are people who hurt worse than I do - his children and they were in school TWO DAYS after his death. How motivational is that? I could not be more proud of them if they were my own children. Self-pity is a disgusting trait. I read through the posts that I entered here and it disgusts me. But I'm sure I'll have many more that mirror them. However, when I do, I'll have your post, and posts from others, AND this one to motivate me to keep on keeping on.
Now, I'm off to study for my midterm. What a bitch!! Thanks again to all for your patience, words of encouragement, and motivation! :heartpump
 
Oh yeah...his wife contacted my roommate today. Erik had my roommates business cards in his wallet. I'm not sure what changed or what happened, what'd I miss? But I'm so sad for her. Either she's incredibly sick in the head, which is no laughing matter because I'm serious, or I totally misread the entire situation. Yes she did keep me sitting in the waiting room that night. No she wouldn't let the hospital tell me anything. I wasn't allowed at the funeral, viewing, or cemetary - which kept me from closure and I do not think that's right, but everyone needs an outlet to pour their rage into. I am hers. Believe me, I've been searching for someone to blame and help carry the weight. She seems to be a woman that has had so much crap in her life that it's defeated her. Erik always said that he loved her and wished only happiness for her. He was excited that she'd found someone. What I mean is, she was so poisoned that she's merely a victim. It will help me heal by helping her. I just don't know how to go about it without her knowing as I'm sure she'd never accept anything from me, and understandably so. Any ideas?
 
first off i'm truly sorry for your loss as i can kind of relate as i lost my younger brother to a difficult struggle with cancer 5 months ago today. trust me i never thought that i would make it through a single day after his death and just wish that i could have more time with him but in the end he is no longer suffering and i'm at peace with that. i know the circumstances are completely different from your suffering but you have to take things one day, one moment at a time and fortunately time does heal your wounds. my memories are filled with joy and happiness that i was able to have the time with him that i did (even though he was only 27)

it will take time to have things return to your normal routine so to speak, but over time things will move forward the hurting will be less (even though you will never forget him) and you will continue on with life. trust me just as you did i felt i wouldv'e done anything in my power to help him not hurt any longer.

again, i'm truly sorry that you are having to deal with this...
 
Dear Adrien,

This is one of the most heartwrenching stories I have ever heard. I can only imagine being in your shoes and I get sick to my stomach, since I have two children and if anything happened to my Miriam... I read his posts and really enjoyed them. He really seemed like one hell of a fun guy to be around. May the Lord bless him and keep him in his glory.

What you need to do is persevere. You have to move on and be strong. Draw strength from yourself that you didn't know you had. The wife didn't let you do the things that you needed for closure you say? Find your own ways to find closure. Buy some flowers, and go to places you frequented. Leave a flower there as if you are leaving a piece of him there forever. The very last flower, well, that's yours. You keep it and cherish it because if you feel this guy was your world, then he was a flower. I hope you don't think I am trying to tell you what to do, I just wanted to give you an idea that may help you some.
Also know this, he will always be with you and will never leave you. I am going to give you a happy thought about this really aweful situation. He died happy. He was looking at you. Only God knows that if I died today, I would want to be with the ones I love. You were there, he didn't die unhappy.
I have been here a short time, but I have learn to cherish and care for many members here and I assure you this community will definitely be missing him...
Again, my thoughts are with you, his friends and family, specially his kids....

Remember, persevere, be strong, you can do it....:thumb:
 
Yanks, Fantasma - thanks for your words of encouragement. I do know with time it will get easier to deal with his loss. I went about town today, and he was everywhere. His favorite song, Jeeps galore, even the company he worked for drove past me. I was at the mall, the last time there having been with him. I have to say it was horrible. But a week ago I was screaming until my voice died, so I see that as a step forward. Now it's the thicker tears, you know? My pastor held a service at my parents house (where Erik died.) If there is such a thing as closure, it wasn't it.
I've decided today to begin anti-depressants. I missed school again and I can't focus on anything but him. I'm hoping the drugs will help me. Counseling is a plan, though for some unknown reason, I haven't pursued it yet. I don't blame his wife for not wanting me there - I can't say that I'd behave differently. But it hurts to be the carrier of the blame.
On a happier note, I'm a size 6 now. I suppose that should count for something - until you factor in that the weight I lost was muscle, not fat. Sucky.
 
Hey Kid, listen, you will be Ok. You will rise above this. I know they sound like cliches but I mean it. You need to be strong. He'll help you. He's with you and doesn't want you to be sad anymore. He's definitely happy now and don't be surprised if you now have a Guardian Angel at your side....

You will be Ok, you will not fail yourself....Count on me and the rest of us for all the support that we can give you. If I was there I would give you a big bear hug now, I think you need one (If you look at my pic, yeah, I look like a bear.... ;) ) and I give really good ones :)

adrien_j9 said:
Yanks, Fantasma - thanks for your words of encouragement. I do know with time it will get easier to deal with his loss. I went about town today, and he was everywhere. His favorite song, Jeeps galore, even the company he worked for drove past me. I was at the mall, the last time there having been with him. I have to say it was horrible. But a week ago I was screaming until my voice died, so I see that as a step forward. Now it's the thicker tears, you know? My pastor held a service at my parents house (where Erik died.) If there is such a thing as closure, it wasn't it.
I've decided today to begin anti-depressants. I missed school again and I can't focus on anything but him. I'm hoping the drugs will help me. Counseling is a plan, though for some unknown reason, I haven't pursued it yet. I don't blame his wife for not wanting me there - I can't say that I'd behave differently. But it hurts to be the carrier of the blame.
On a happier note, I'm a size 6 now. I suppose that should count for something - until you factor in that the weight I lost was muscle, not fat. Sucky.
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I don't know what to put in today, but have an immense fear of this thread going away. This was an area that Erik and I had together. We'd share different threads we'd enjoyed, he would email me links to threads he knew I'd like. He uploaded my picture, the punk avatar. People commented on it. Someone said it was beautiful and he'd replied that I was beautiful. *typing through tears* I'm failing in my quest for inner-strength. I miss him. Every minute.
I have posted a thread at a grief/loss web site. People there are very friendly and give good advice. They've all lost someone recently too. Most have a horrible story. I move between that website, Erik's guestbook website, and this one. This one's my favorite - it was ours. Maybe that answers some people's questions why I leave this here.
Skipping school again today. I have a midterm that I'm hiding from. I can't type without a breakdown, and typing is mindless. Anything that requires brain power is left wanting. Memorize the deep 6 muscles? The Glutes, Hams, Quads? Know their origin, insertion, and action? Anyone know what the Gemellus Superior is? Fuck if I know. Deep 6 something or other. Amazingly, I was a great student at one time. I led the class, proudly the favored student. Now I find it a chore to give a shit about it. All I want to do is smoke, cry, live in a haze, and hurt people. How pathetic. You see, the benefit of typing? I went from sadness to irritance in a matter of mere moments. I'm a crybaby, an attention whore, and a quitter. I suppose this is a good (as any) place to stop. Time will change me.
 
If anyone is interested...
http://www.legacy.com/grandrapids/Guestbook.asp?Page=Guestbook&PersonID=2633491

This is the website of Erik Bohn's guestbook. It's a place where family and friends leave messages - words of prayer or encouragement - to family and friends. I'm saving money to sponsor the site permanently, otherwise the site disappears on October 21st.
His children knew that Erik visited Ironmagazineforums. I think they'd be surprised and touched if someone were to leave a message from here. I would be.
 
Hello Adrian. Hope today is a good day for you.

After my mother died I heard a song from Barbara S ... ???They Way We Were???. I cried for years every time I heard that song. It helped me grieve I guess. My mother died when I was 17 and though I am now 44 I cannot listen to that song at all. She was only 39 years old.

My brother Chris died at the age of 27 with a newborn baby. He was a very intelligent person and as fine a human being as you can ever meet. He once flew from Ohio to Texas when my wife and I were going through marital problems just to hang out and be a friend. Who does that?

My brother Chuck died at the age of 28. He had a daughter age 7. Chuck was the clown of the group. Laughter was his way of life. Do you remember hearing about pet rocks? He gave me one for my B???day present once ??? it weighed 580 pounds. It was in the middle of my driveway. My card was scribed on the side of it ???I love you bro ??? Dinner for two is on the bottom of this rock ??? enjoy??? . He had bought gift certificates for two to Fisherman???s Warf (I love seafood) and buried them under the damn thing. He had a gift of humor that was infectious. I still have the rock.

I share this with you not to get your sympathy, but so that you will know my feelings at your loss are genuine. Loss is everywhere, we all live through it. Those of us that are strong enough prosper no matter what. You have shown your strength as you improve your situation day by day. I see that you have been working out. Working out is such a great tool in dealing with the hard feelings, and the attention to your body provides a great source of personal achievement. :lifter:

Build a better day one step at a time. I enjoy watching you do it Adrian! :thumb:
 
Bonecrusher, how can I ever thank you? I read your post at Erik's guestbook. It means so very very much to me and I know that it will be a touching and surprising read for his sons. If I had all the money in the world, I would give it to you for that. Thank you forever, words cannot express my gratitude. Thank you, thank you.
 
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BoneCrusher said:
Hello Adrian. Hope today is a good day for you.
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It is so much better, because of you. Again, thank you. Thank you a million times.
 
I was just reading the thread about steroid use at the gym and I have a question for anyone reading this. I was told that Erik had a bruise on his hand with a red/pink spot in the middle. Some are questioning steroid use. He was throwing people around that weighed a good 250 like rag dolls. As far as I know, he NEVER did ANY drugs. Furthermore, he had to have a urine test for his job and passed it w/o problems. I've heard of people that have snapped due to steroid use. I pray that this isn't the case. His sons lost their father and it'd be that much more devastating if it were because of steroids. His death is shrouded in speculation, and as far as I know, the prosecuting attorney has not released her findings, or the autopsy report. One minute he was fine, the next (or so I've been told) he was like an animal. Does this sound like steroid use?
I hate to even ask this question, it feels like I'm betraying Erik, but I'm so mobbed in guilt about his death that I cannot function. Regardless if he did or didn't, I'll NEVEr love him any less or any differently. He'll forever be my Knight.
 
I discovered some interesting news tonight. Maybe this shouldn't bother me, but here goes, you decide for yourselves... I work with someone who is Erik's wife's neighbor. Apparently she threw away many of Erik's belongings tonight, including all of the flower arrangements. She shows no grief - now I know that everyone is different - but she's not the only person affected by Erik's death. Maybe it's my feminine side, but I am sick that she did that. Those plants and flowers are a reminder of the day that Erik was honored and laid to rest. Maybe she offered them to his boys, I don't know. But at the very least she could have given Erik respect by placing them on his grave. Did she throw away the flag that she was honored with at his funeral?
Upon discovery of this I was ill - literally. I broke down totally. Now I'm just pissed. And I plan to take action, however I cannot share my plan. I found a piece of trash at Erik's cottage the other day. An address label with his name and his cottage on it. His cottage was our Heaven. I kept the paper. I have so little of his to cherish and am infuriated that she is so careless, not only toward me but toward his memory.
I also took a shepherd's hook with Morning Glories growing up it, a beautiful huge granite rock that he'd placed next to his front door, and some sand from his beach. I made a grave where he fell and along with the above mentioned, I also bought two American flags and placed them on either side. It is the most beautiful grave. And it helps me some. Many people place crosses alongside the road when loved ones are killed in crashes, this is the same. I believe the boys would want to see it someday, and forever it will be there - provided she doesn't win my parent's house and land.
So, what do you think? Am I overly sensitive or is it a normal behaviour to honor the dead veteran by throwing away his plants and flowers a week after his funeral?
I don't know if I shared this, but we held a funeral for Erik at my parents house. Everyone who'd met Erik through me was there. It was beautiful and I hope it soon will become the closure I'm searching so desperately for. I read his favorite passage from his favorite book. We played his favorite music - Sting "Ghost Story" - and a few people stood and spoke of how they met Erik and the effect he had on their lives. My Pastor officiated. She did well. It was outside, warm and bright. I received flowers and an angel, a picture of he and I and a candle with inspirational quotes printed on the glass. Each is a cherished belonging never to be thrown away. The flowers are hanging on my wall for all to see, the picture proudly displayed, the candle to be lit each time I visit his grave and any other time I need the inspiration. It was beautiful, he was beautiful.
Here's the website again, if anyone cares to sign it. ***Thanks again Bonecrusher***
http://www.legacy.com/grandrapids/Guestbook.asp?Page=Guestbook&PersonID=2633491
 
Garbage becomes public domain once it is placed at the curb.
 
I know. I spoke with my roommate last night - he's squeaky clean - and he said that I didn't need flowers that were given to her for her mourning (what a fucking laugh) that I had the flowers that people gave to me for my mourning. I don't know how to live through all of this unless fueled by anger and rage. How can such a large group of people blame me for his death? I didn't hit him. I accept that it is my fault that he's dead, I brought him to that stupid, fucking party. But I didn't hit him, I tried to help him. Why can't those people see that? How sick do you have to be to blame someone who only loved him? His wife is blaming me because he wasn't buried in his favorite shirt. WHAT THE FUCK? First of all, it was NOT his favorite shirt. If it were, why would he wear it to a pond party? That's a guarantee dirt fest. Secondly, I was told directly that if I contacted anyone in his family for any reason, they would press charges on me for stalking!!! THIRDLY, the motherfucking police knew that I had that bag, I TOLD THEM AND HIS FUCKING FAMILY! How is it my fault? So, to make up for my "sin" she stuffed the shirt into his coffin. She did have to mention that the shirt was a $70 shirt. Everytime she speaks with anyone there's a dollar symbol in the conversation.
Tell me, if you are a war veteran, receiving TOTAL disability each month, is it possible that he wasn't covered, life insurance I mean? He had a Jeep Rubicon, that he'd almost completely paid off. It's a 2004. Why doesn't she sell it? Why is she keeping it AND a brand new truck? Why is it all that she is after is monetary items? A computer, a camera. I have a sweatshirt of his that he always kept in his Jeep for me when I got a chill. Why doesn't she want that? I don't want or care for any goddamn computer or camera. But you know, they are going to search my apartment, and my fathers' house because I've stolen from her. FUCK THEM.
 
adrien_j9 said:
I know. I spoke with my roommate last night - he's squeaky clean - and he said that I didn't need flowers that were given to her for her mourning (what a fucking laugh) that I had the flowers that people gave to me for my mourning. I don't know how to live through all of this unless fueled by anger and rage. How can such a large group of people blame me for his death? I didn't hit him. I accept that it is my fault that he's dead, I brought him to that stupid, fucking party. But I didn't hit him, I tried to help him. Why can't those people see that? How sick do you have to be to blame someone who only loved him? His wife is blaming me because he wasn't buried in his favorite shirt. WHAT THE FUCK? First of all, it was NOT his favorite shirt. If it were, why would he wear it to a pond party? That's a guarantee dirt fest. Secondly, I was told directly that if I contacted anyone in his family for any reason, they would press charges on me for stalking!!! THIRDLY, the motherfucking police knew that I had that bag, I TOLD THEM AND HIS FUCKING FAMILY! How is it my fault? So, to make up for my "sin" she stuffed the shirt into his coffin. She did have to mention that the shirt was a $70 shirt. Everytime she speaks with anyone there's a dollar symbol in the conversation.
Tell me, if you are a war veteran, receiving TOTAL disability each month, is it possible that he wasn't covered, life insurance I mean? He had a Jeep Rubicon, that he'd almost completely paid off. It's a 2004. Why doesn't she sell it? Why is she keeping it AND a brand new truck? Why is it all that she is after is monetary items? A computer, a camera. I have a sweatshirt of his that he always kept in his Jeep for me when I got a chill. Why doesn't she want that? I don't want or care for any goddamn computer or camera. But you know, they are going to search my apartment, and my fathers' house because I've stolen from her. FUCK THEM.
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Hi Adrein. I have a question for ya. Do you have a way to travel for a bit? See a friend in another city? These people are getting way too far into your head. All the monetary things are of no consequence in the larger picture and are a weight on your soul. Find the small and important things from him to you and fed-ex them to a friend, then go out of town ... camp out if need be ... and get away from all the insanity being thrown at you. I guess what I am really saying is that the money stuff is trespassing on the mental stuff. Stop letting that happen so you can continue working towards your inner peace. I hope I am not sounding presumptuous here but the bad side of humanity is coming out of some of the other people involved and it is in danger of sucking you in to it ... please try not to let that happen. :thumb:
 
BoneCrusher said:
Hi Adrein. I have a question for ya. Do you have a way to travel for a bit? See a friend in another city? These people are getting way too far into your head. All the monetary things are of no consequence in the larger picture and are a weight on your soul. Find the small and important things from him to you and fed-ex them to a friend, then go out of town ... camp out if need be ... and get away from all the insanity being thrown at you. I guess what I am really saying is that the money stuff is trespassing on the mental stuff. Stop letting that happen so you can continue working towards your inner peace. I hope I am not sounding presumptuous here but the bad side of humanity is coming out of some of the other people involved and it is in danger of sucking you in to it ... please try not to let that happen. :thumb:
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I wish. I missed a week of school and have always struggled with rent. Travel was always with Erik. It's hard not to let his wife get to me. It's more than I can bear, knowing that someone blames me for his death. I worry a millions times each day that his boys share that stupid feeling. How can they blame me? What did I do wrong? How have people conveniently forgotten that they were separated for nearly a year and had their toes into a divorce? Why, when I wasn't the one weilding the flashlight, do they blame me? It hurts my feelings more than anything ever has.
We were going to go to Guatemala in the Spring. I'd told him that I could never afford it, and he said, "why do you think I'm working so many hours?" He was determined to take care of me.
I'm anxiously awaiting the anti-depressants to be prescribed. I know that I cannot do this - move on without him - without them, the pills. I start counseling this coming Friday, but it seems so far off. It's been two weeks. Two weeks without him, and it's horrible. I wake up crying, I go to sleep crying, and today I'm supposed to work WHILE we're open. Erik has friends that workout there. I've been threatened since his death and am expecting some sort of attack while at work. Physical, maybe not, emotional - it's only a matter of time.
One week ago, I would have taken it. Now, I'm afraid that I'll lost control and hurt someone. Part of me actually hopes that his wife will try to attack me. I can't imagine a better feeling than to hurt her back. Blame me over a fucking shirt? It's insanity.
 
Went to work today - first day back, so to speak. I've worked everyday this week, but we were closed, it was completely different. Erik always used the same eliptical machine, and I would walk by and see other people on the machines, but he was never there. A co-worker brought in the pamphlet from his funeral. It broke my heart. I feel empty and alone. It has his picture on the front and a poem:

Remember Me
To the living, I am gone,
To the sorrowful, I will never return;
To the angry, I was cheated.
But to the happy, I am at peace.
And to the faithful, I have never left.
I cannot speak, but I can listen,
I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.
So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sky -
As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity -
Remember me.
Remember me in your heart.
Your thoughts, and your memories.
Of the time we loved,
The times we cried,
The times we fought,
The times we laughed,
for if you always think of me,
I will never have gone.

I must not be faithful, because he DID leave. His friend came in and worked out this afternoon, and I knew he he was by the way he greeted me. Hostile, cold. I verified who he was..I was right. It kills me that people blame me. It kills and then it kills. I feel so alone, as though I died with him. A large part of me wishes I had.
 
I'm soon to leave and meet Hannah, a 7 year old Brittany Spaniel that needs a home. I believe it is destiny that this dog and I come together, she needs me, and I desperately need her. Even my doctor suggested I get a dog for companionship. Please say a prayer that my landlord will allow this dog to come into my life. I need her. I'll keep you all posted.
 
Brought Hannah home yesterday. She's a card. What spirit. I have to say yesterday and today have been the best days since Erik died. Maybe it's not healthy, maybe I'm hiding from grief, but I was actually ablt to attend school and stay. Of course, I went into class half way through the day, but it's still better than before.
I spoke with the detective on Erik's case. He said the investigation was over and that they'd turned their findings over to the prosecuting attorney. I go back and forth from wanting the kid that killed him to fry. It's hard. Erik's wife told him directly that he wasn't to tell me anything. God, get on with it. I can order a copy of the autopsy report, anyone can. I sent her an email last Monday, it was really nice. Apologetic, informative, spineless. I wish I'd never sent it. She doesn't deserve and niceties from me. She screamed at the detective. What'd he do? The man has to be one of the nicest authority figures I've ever met. He didn't tell me anything, he kept his promise to Erica, but he's compassionate and kind. He told me that the results may be in the paper as soon as tomorrow. I'll be holding my breath for it, to say the least. In the email I sent Erica was a list of Erik's belongings that I have. Yeah, she cares and misses him so much, yet his stuff still sits with me. Hmmmm. She's repulsive and the thought that she's less than 4 miles away from me sickens me. No wonder he was looking forward to a new phase in life. What a nightmare she is.
I found a camera, one that she was looking for. It's expensive. I'm sure she'll be over directly to grab that as she's chasing money in any direction she can. She's weeping to anyone who will listen that Erik left her with this huge debt, yet she's retained an attorney. How does someone who is considering filing for bankruptcy afford a retained lawyer? What a horrible life he must have had with her. No wonder he left. Never got the flowers. I doubt Erik really cares, so I suppose that I shouldn't. I have a lot of memorabilia of him through out my apartment. It will be displayed for years to come. I miss him a lot. The sun did come out for a little while these past two days.
 
Dogs have magical properties mine have helped me through home alone time this past week after my GF and I had a miscarriage.
47863lilBoys.jpg


On the other side death brings out the ugliest shades of greed in people.

My step-father whom I loved very much was murdered in '98. After the funeral his daughter(my step-sister) used her inheritance and hired a gang of lawyers to steal everything from my mother leaving her broken and in anguish from heartache. Luckily my step-dads uncle was a noble man and gave my mother support and backed her to start her own bail bonding business.
 
The gates to Hell have opened and shit is steaming up out of it. I've lost my job, though I'm not sure why. People who were my friends are no longer. It's turned into a lynching, everything was Erik's fault. Even my father, my daddy has crossed over to the other side. And do you know who are the only people telling me that I'm not wrong. The only people that continue to support me and give me hope? People here. Online friends from a grief website. One friend from school. That's it. I've lost all relationship with my daughter's father, my family, the majority of my friends, and now I've lost my job.
I found out today that two people were responsible for Erik's death. The one I found out today used to be in my best friends list. I've known and loved him for years. I've called him several times since his death. Erik saved him that night from a fight! And he killed him in gratitude? People that I called friends knew and didn't tell me. Both murderers? Cousins to my daughter, people I'll never escape. Erik's EX-WIFE has been calling me and she's been nicer to me than my own "best friends." She did a total flip in my opinion. I was wrong about her. It's just one more case that Erik was right and I was wrong. He was always talking highly of his ex, Diana. Never said a negative word about her. At times I thought he was nuts. But he was right. He was right about so many things.
People are such simpletons. They believe in two emotions, good and bad. I just hung up on one "friend" that said he needed to be stopped that he was attacking everyone. Was I not there? Are we talking about the same night? It was your classic schoolyard atmosphere. People circling him and screaming at him. If he "snapped" as they say, why didn't he attack me with everyone else? The police agree. They call the case "unusual and mysterious." Here's the kicker: 3/4 of the witnesses interviewed were family of the killers!!! How is that an unbiased statement? And has any ONE person contacted the true victims of this whole horrible ordeal - his sons? NOPE. They are all so sad. So upset over what happened. Yet no one calls them? They don't know how to say I'm sorry your father died?
When does it all end? What fucking planet am I stuck on?
 
Received the official, "you're fired," today. Apparently I've been consistently late coming in to work. Consistently means once. I was late once. Right after he told me I was fired, a man came in and my boss turned his attention to him instead of me. I got up and walked out. That gym was where I met Erik. It's where we became friends, became more. We worked out together, he'd come in with me while I worked. And now that's gone. I know there is more to the firing than what they're telling me. Maybe his wife got to the owner. Maybe one of Erik's friends - and many work out there - heard Erica's woes and spoke with the owner. Regardless, it's over now.
Why is all of this happening? Why can't I get past wishing him back? Why can't I accept that he is dead? That he'll never talk to me, touch me, laugh with me again?
I can get another job. I can make money somewhere else. But that place was special to me. That was our place.
A good thing did happen. I've made friends with Erik's sister. She is so nice. She looks like Erik too. I'm so sorry for her -what I did. If it weren't for me. I'm looking forward to counseling this Friday. I'm hoping that it will help this all to sink in. I'm hoping it will get me past the "if only" stage. It seems that my day is spent arguing about Erik to someone. They didn't know him like I did. He didn't do anything worse than anyone else at that party, but because of his size he was more of a threat than anyone else. That wasn't his fault. Is anyone here?
 
Oh yeah, sorry to all who become annoyed by reading this. Normally, I despise self-pity and torture. I'm searching for ways out of this, I swear. :twitch:
 
Don´t be sorry for it. :)
We are not annoyed by it. Don´t even think about it.
 
Your pain is soo clear in your words that I can't help but feel it in my heart too. We all feel your pain Adrein. You could not ever feel that IM members would have a bad thought about you. We don't. You come here and post as long as you want. We will feel a part of your healing and grow from it. Consider it a kind of symbiosis ???

I see you have been upset by the job deal ... but as you said the "place" is the loss not really the job. When you separate the job form the place you really did not loose that place as your memories with Eric will always be your personal property. Nothing and no one can steal or alter those moments with him. These are yours to love and smile at forever. Let NOTHING encroach on them, and you will laugh with Eric always. I remember my family with smiles and laughter because I know that none of them would want to be only connected with sorrow.

Your confidence in getting a new job speaks to your inner strength and self esteem. You are a strong woman and you will come through this with your heart, soul, and mind in good shape. Just do what you have been doing. Find a way to let out your pain ??? a way to deal with your emotions and setbacks. Pain and setback are part of this ordeal, so don't internalize them or claim them as something you created. You are a victim here Adrein, not a protagonist. One day at a time, one week at a time. Your new challenge is now to find a job that you like and that will test your personality. Something you can dig into and contribute too. Enjoy this change my friend.

Remember ??? lemons into lemonade!

I am always warry of people that are not consistant in their actions towards me so Diana's change of attitude should be looked at with warm but watchful eyes. She may see that you were not her enemy and tried to protect Eric ... and respect you for this. I would if I were her. Allow the people around you to act as they will woithout accepting blame for their feelings or actions. You are only responsible for your self in this!
 
Once again...thank you for your kind heart and words. Today is an ok day. Is it ever out of my mind, no way. But I'm not broken. Not right now. Actually, it seems the more crap that is thrown my way - the stronger I become (this hour anyway!) There is a job posting in my area, for a Massage Therapist. I'm not licensed, but fortunately Michigan allows non-licensed therapists. I have to get rid of my dog. I cried and cried last night because of it, but in the end all that I feel is rage. I know this isn't good for me. I know rage and anger are consuming, products of Satan himself. But I know my process for pain. I cry, cry some more, and then I get angry. So maybe I'm entering the next phase.
I've realized that I cannot change people's opinions of Erik. I'm not speaking of people here, but rather the people that were at the party. I can't change or make them see Erik for what he truly was - my saviour. So I've sent a polite, yet to the point, email to all friends informing them that I cannot deal with ANY negativity toward Erik, and if they feel that way, that I cannot change that and it's best for me and everyone if we go our separate ways.
That is what I mean by spring cleaning my "friends" list.
On a more silly (yet sad for me) note, I predicted that the fish that Erik bought me would die last night. I predicted this because it seems that all areas of my and Erik's relationship and memories are being destroyed. He'd bought me two fish and I told him they'd be named after their "father." One was "Er" and one was "Ik." Of course he looked at me like I'd lost my mind, but it was funny. "Er" died the next day after he'd bought them, leaving "Ik." When I woke up this morning, the fish was, indeed, dead. I think I'm becoming psychic. Or would the correct term be psycho??? :)
Bone Crusher, thank you for being a champion in my court. Thank you for your beautiful words on Erik's guest book. Thank you for your concern. Thank you for your encouragement. I always smile and feel love toward you when I see you've posted. You truly make my day. My family knows about "Bonecrusher" my friend. You ought to see the looks they give!!! :heartpump
 
:D someday someone will need to talk to you and hear you talk to him or her. You'll know what to do ... you've shown that already the way you replied to a thread here today.

{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}​

You do have class Adrien ... you will do well in life.​
 
BoneCrusher said:
:D someday someone will need to talk to you and hear you talk to him or her. You'll know what to do ... you've shown that already the way you replied to a thread here today.

{{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}}}​

You do have class Adrien ... you will do well in life.​
Click to expand...

Lower it to my intelligence level!! :tard: I'm totally lost. :) Who needs to talk to me?
 
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