The female sex drive.

[Ravager]

Hi girls.

I have a huge problem because my wife has ZERO sex drive what-so-ever.

I get it once a week, but its on a schedule, and i'm told to 'make it quick' and there is little passion.

Usually she gets into it, but its just not what it used to be, or how it should be.

This started 4 years ago with the birth of my lil' girl.

She is currently on pill birth control, so that may be the cause, but she wont talk to her doc about it.

Sex is VERY important for general health, as it is for relationship health. She is missing out, and as a result so am I.

So, my question to you girls is how often do you desire sex?

And by sex, I don't just mean a rough hammering, lol... I'm talking the whole nine yards, sensual, soft, making-love, pleasing, foreplay etc.

Thank you.

 

[Gena Marie]

Man that sucks. Yes sex if very necessary. Huge stress relived. I am sure the pressure of being a mom may have something to do with it. Scheduled sex is no fun. Been there. Have you looked into counseling? Not that you need it, but talking through the problem might help.

I have had my ups and downs over the years with my drive, primarily up. I would like to have sex at least once a day, if that doesn't happen, if the opportunity presents it's self, I will pleasure myself.
With that, I am also on "supplements" that totally increase my drive.
Hang in there. I hope things get better.
Happy early Fathers day.

 

[Ravager]

Man that sucks. Yes sex if very necessary. Huge stress relived. I am sure the pressure of being a mom may have something to do with it. Scheduled sex is no fun. Been there. Have you looked into counseling? Not that you need it, but talking through the problem might help.

I have had my ups and downs over the years with my drive, primarily up. I would like to have sex at least once a day, if that doesn't happen, if the opportunity presents it's self, I will pleasure myself.
With that, I am also on "supplements" that totally increase my drive.
Hang in there. I hope things get better.
Happy early Fathers day.

Thanks GM.

I think the counseling would be good myself. Have to look into that more.

When I tell her she's starving me for affection, she tells me to go get it from another woman. I havn't, but I think I'm going to. It's never been my style, but I think I'll try to find a friend with benefits.

Doing this may be the beginning of the end, but I can't do this alone anymore, and my life is passing me by in my prime. I'm constantly told that I look good, hot, great, etc from MANY women, almost daily, if not daily, except from my wife. She NEVER even throws me a compliment when I'm ALWAYS the tannest, (I work outside, and melatonan and usually the most muscular guy around.....

It has zero effect on my wife.

Maybe she just flat-out lost it for me. Which brings me to tears to say, but If its the case, I must let the healing begin and move on with life.

Thanks for the FD wishes. My daughter needs me in her life, and I want to be there everyday for her. I think finding a weekday sex friend who needs similar attention for whatever reason may be the only way to keep my marriage together, however sick that may sound.

She is telling me to do this, and not a one time thing, she's said it consistantly over the span of YEARS.

I have had feelings for more than one woman in the past and that was HORRIBLE on me, I promised never to do that again. I may be playing with fire on this one, but I only live once, and have so much love and affection to give that it hurts to hold it all in always.

 

[niki]

Dude, that totally sucks. Really.

To answer your question....I think about sex all the time. I desire sex when I am awake and breathing.......libido is ridiculous.....however, when I was unhappy in my marriage, I would go without.......er, on my own, if you catch my drift. It would be interesting to know if she was pleasuring herself, because that would indicate libido and issues somewhere else....

And, fwiw, the whole lovemaking thing? Highly overrated in my book. I
LIKE quickies......I hit orgasm far more easily if my brain doesn't have time to catch up with my body.

And hormones matter.....My drive is insatiable before/during ovulation. I tried birth control pills when I was younger, and after 3 types or so I gave up. They made me even bitchier than usual. It wasn't worth it. Childbirth can DEFINITELY mess with your hormones as well as just having a small child around.

On the friends with benefits thing......lots of guys cheat on their wives, sounds like you aren't the type, if you've had permission for years (eek)and haven't jumped yet. Sex is an expected part of a marriage relationship. She seems to have abandoned you. If she is unwilling to get checked out by a doc, unwilling to do therapy or counseling, and refuses to engage - do you really think you can pick up a friend on the side (one who actually responds to you) who you won't get emotionally attached to?

No offense....oh god....but, are you sure it's her? I mean, sure, so you are attractive physically - I got that. No problem. Women usually aren't as visual as men. They need to have their emotional needs met to be able to respond sexually...(well, most women anyway) Also, are you selfish in bed - DON'T answer that, lol! Just something to think about. I don't want to hear about your technique, but a little research on your part maybe in order.......or not....only you would know.

And dude, YOU asked.....lol...sorry, but wanted to give you a thorough answer. Just because a woman is resistant doesn't mean she doesn't have a libido.......

 

[Built]

I'm with niki - I like quickies, too. I'm on transdermal test and not on the pill, so I pretty much want it all the time. Hubby's on HRT, he wants it more than I do.

Your wife has problems. You can't fix 'em, but you can fix yours. Go get some counseling, figure out what you need to do, then do it. As you said, life's too short.

Good luck.

 

[Ravager]

She is very busy with school (about to graduate) and start a career in culinary arts. She is a fantastic cook, and I'm glad that she found her passion and she is looking forward to getting a job and contributing financially.

99% sure she is not self-pleasuring.

She is busy with school, and my house is hectic with a 4 year old running around.

I've mentioned to her many times its not healthy and/or normal to have zero sex drive, and she never denies it. Pretty sure she herself told me its been zero since the kid.

She could really benefit from the stress relief, as could I.

Not selfish in bed, if anything, the opposite.

Nice guys finish last.... A part of me wishes I could use women and treat them as a tool for sex. I'm also 99% sure I'd get emotionally attached to a friend w/bennies....

I have always kept sex in the same part of my mind/heart as love. Perhaps I should reconsider.

I appreciate the reply Niki.

 

[Built]

Will she put out if you need it, if she's not in the mood? Hubby and I do that; our drives don't always correspond, sometimes he wants it more often than I do so I just aaah "deactivate" him and we both get on with our day. It's not like it's a miserable task - sometimes I'm into it, sometimes I'm not, but I'm not about to send him out into the world wanting more! I mean, I'll make him a steak if he's hungry and I'm not. It's the same thing, really.

 

[niki]

You are most welcome.

I too, am finishing school. A very demanding, accelerated nursing program. If anything, it has increased my drive, not diminished it. As you mentioned, most likely due to the need for stress relief. More likely her issues are due to hormonal changes brought about by pregnancy. She needs to see a doc.

As far as her admitting the zero drive, does she truly understand your dilemma? That, for you, sex IS emotional and you are likely to develop this type of attachment with another woman if you seek sexual fullfillment elsewhere? If she is under the assumption that you, as a guy, ARE able to separate sex from emotions, this may bring the situation into a whole new light for her. Or, if it doesn't matter to her, might be time to seriously consider why you are still together.....(not stating that lightly)

And as far as keeping sex in the same part of your heart and mind as love? Hate to say it, but not so sure this is something you can reconsider. Might be more of a personality thing. Sure, it's painful - and it has its costs, but if it is who you are - then to sacrifice it for ANYONE would be dishonorable. And if you tried, it would only be yourself you'd be hurting. I am pretty damn sure you are worth preserving.

Nice guys do finish last - read the book I suggested in the other thread. It might help with the wife, contrary to everything the book is about - if you pick up on the themes and theories.

 

[Ravager]

Will she put out if you need it, if she's not in the mood? Hubby and I do that; our drives don't always correspond, sometimes he wants it more often than I do so I just aaah "deactivate" him and we both get on with our day. It's not like it's a miserable task - sometimes I'm into it, sometimes I'm not, but I'm not about to send him out into the world wanting more! I mean, I'll make him a steak if he's hungry and I'm not. It's the same thing, really.

Absolutely will not. She'll fight instantly if I even bring it up. I can't even get a hug out of her. I ask her for a hug/kiss goodnight and she says I just gave you one this morning, when in fact she didn't I hugged her and she just stands there and half turns to the side like I'm repulsive. I can't remember the last time she actually put her arms around me and squeezed.

She's not the smartest person in the world. I don't think she 'thinks about how she thinks' type of thought. I doubt she thinks of situations from opposing angles, forcing herself to think about other angles. Devils advocate type stuff.

Which is fine, its not her fault and I don't hold it against her.

She used to have sex if not in the mood, and a few minutes into it she'd be into it, but now "I just want to be left alone, go find someone else if I'm not making you happy". ....

So tonights my magic night. After the little one goes to sleep she'll say, "Are you ready? Make it quick". Then when we get into bed she'll say "Make it quick, not some long drawn out thing." as she lays there motionless on her back.

We get along good, and have supper together everynight and raise our daughter the best we can together. She's just very selfish and will not do anything short of my one night a week planned event to try to make me happy. I know its not too hard to hug your spouse.

... geeze I thought talking about this would help, but seeing my reality in writing is actually quite painful. Perhaps this is what I needed.

 

[M4A3]

Will she put out if you need it, if she's not in the mood? Hubby and I do that; our drives don't always correspond, sometimes he wants it more often than I do so I just aaah "deactivate" him and we both get on with our day. It's not like it's a miserable task - sometimes I'm into it, sometimes I'm not, but I'm not about to send him out into the world wanting more! I mean, I'll make him a steak if he's hungry and I'm not. It's the same thing, really.

Your husband is a lucky dude. Sex and steak on tap. What more could a man want. LOL!

 

[Ravager]

I've tested the water on the find someone else comments before too.

I've said, I don't want a hooker.

She replies, I didn't say a hooker, you're an attractive man, I'm sure girls look at you all the time, go be with one of them. So I say why would rather break up the family than put forth a little effort to make your husband happy, and without a doubt yourself too.... To which she never has an answer, but nothing 'clicks' and as a result nothing changes.

 

[M4A3]

Absolutely will not. She'll fight instantly if I even bring it up. I can't even get a hug out of her. I ask her for a hug/kiss goodnight and she says I just gave you one this morning, when in fact she didn't I hugged her and she just stands there and half turns to the side like I'm repulsive. I can't remember the last time she actually put her arms around me and squeezed.

She's not the smartest person in the world. I don't think she 'thinks about how she thinks' type of thought. I doubt she thinks of situations from opposing angles, forcing herself to think about other angles. Devils advocate type stuff.

Which is fine, its not her fault and I don't hold it against her.

She used to have sex if not in the mood, and a few minutes into it she'd be into it, but now "I just want to be left alone, go find someone else if I'm not making you happy". ....

So tonights my magic night. After the little one goes to sleep she'll say, "Are you ready? Make it quick". Then when we get into bed she'll say "Make it quick, not some long drawn out thing." as she lays there motionless on her back.

We get along good, and have supper together everynight and raise our daughter the best we can together. She's just very selfish and will not do anything short of my one night a week planned event to try to make me happy. I know its not too hard to hug your spouse.

... geeze I thought talking about this would help, but seeing my reality in writing is actually quite painful. Perhaps this is what I needed.

Was she always like this? Before kids and before you were married?

If she wasn't, I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like she doesn't love you anymore.

Man, I think you might be getting used here. Maybe she's just biding her time, giving you the bare minimum to keep you quiet, until she is done with school so she can leave you? Sounds like she can't do it right now because you're supporting her.

Sorry bro.

She also might be fucking someone else; that could be why she has no problems with you getting some action on the side.

 

[Ravager]

Was she always like this? Before kids and before you were married?

If she wasn't, I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like she doesn't love you anymore.

Man, I think you might be getting used here. Maybe she's just biding her time, giving you the bare minimum to keep you quiet, until she is done with school so she can leave you? Sounds like she can't do it right now because you're supporting her.

Sorry bro.

We used to have sex and party all the time. I quit drinking 4 years ago, and she barely drinks now, so we've both changed a bit.

I think you are right about getting used. I've thought it before. I'd rather the mother of my child be educated and have a decent job so If this is the case I don't mind too much. My daughter will only benefit from this.

I do tell her that if she doesn't love me, then don't tell me she does, but maybe she wont so I don't leave her high and dry.

Why the hell do people say vows and get married if they aren't going to do what it takes to make it work? I would have found someone who wants a life partner/best friend to have a family with instead of this asshole who not only wasted many years of life, but the cost having a child with her has just begun.

I will not be a weekend warrior father, if we separate I will get joint custody.

I wish I had more money so I could get an apartment just to try separation. Give her space for a while. But I don't, and it would just end up being a very quiet lonely place without my family.

It burns me get used, it hurts. But if its better for my daughter in the long run I'm alright with that, as that is my top priority.

She has no time and pretty sure no interest in sex with anyone else. (Anyone even). 99% sure she's not cheating on me. The only reason I don't say 100% is I leave myself 1% chance of totally misreading signs, and being mislead.

 

[Built]

Was she always like this? Before kids and before you were married?

If she wasn't, I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like she doesn't love you anymore.

Man, I think you might be getting used here. Maybe she's just biding her time, giving you the bare minimum to keep you quiet, until she is done with school so she can leave you? Sounds like she can't do it right now because you're supporting her.

Sorry bro.

She also might be fucking someone else; that could be why she has no problems with you getting some action on the side.

Or she's too much of a coward to leave; she wants YOU to leave so YOU'RE the asshole.

Your husband is a lucky dude. Sex and steak on tap. What more could a man want. LOL!

Hubby says it's why he no longer has any friends.

 

[Ravager]

I'm very close to giving her my ring and telling her to give it back to me when she's ready to treat me like a husband again.

However, I think that is misleading to all the other women that I interact with throughout the day.

Last thing I want is some other girl falling in love with me thinking I'm single.

 

[Built]

Move out. A trial separation might do you both a world of good. When is school over for her?

 

[Ravager]

Move out. A trial separation might do you both a world of good. When is school over for her?

2 weeks she graduates....

I'd love to try a trial separation, but I can't afford a 2nd rent, and don't want to live with family or friends.

I think I may look into a monthly / weekly rental agreement hotel type thing. I think a trial separation may help.

 

[Built]

Find a basement suite; you can probably find one in your hood.

 

[Ravager]

Find a basement suite; you can probably find one in your hood.

Good idea.

BTW, I just got the 'make it quick, were NOT doing a long drawn out thing last last week'.....

what a joke.

Must be mad at herself for last week because she came a few times....

 

[Built]

Turn her down.

 

[Ravager]

Turn her down.

As much as I would like to,
There is NO WAY i'm going another week without sex!!!


I think It will be alot rougher and less personal sex than usual. Maybe I'll make her feel used instead of loved at the end. I'm looking forward to this!

 

[independent]

As much as I would like to,
There is NO WAY i'm going another week without sex!!!


I think It will be alot rougher and less personal sex than usual. Maybe I'll make her feel used instead of loved at the end. I'm looking forward to this!

I would rather masturbate.

 

[Ravager]

You know what, she's about to get grunge fucked.

Nice guys finish last... I may still finish last, but I'm not going to be nice about it.

Maybe its what she needs, perhaps even wants?

Why do I give a fuck about what she needs or wants? This bitch is about to get grunge fucked!

 

[independent]

Please report back.

 

[Retlaw]

Man that sucks. Yes sex if very necessary. Huge stress relived. I am sure the pressure of being a mom may have something to do with it. Scheduled sex is no fun. Been there. Have you looked into counseling? Not that you need it, but talking through the problem might help.

I have had my ups and downs over the years with my drive, primarily up. I would like to have sex at least once a day, if that doesn't happen, if the opportunity presents it's self, I will pleasure myself.
With that, I am also on "supplements" that totally increase my drive.
Hang in there. I hope things get better.
Happy early Fathers day.

I will pleasure myself.

 

[niki]

As much as I would like to,
There is NO WAY i'm going another week without sex!!!


I think It will be alot rougher and less personal sex than usual. Maybe I'll make her feel used instead of loved at the end. I'm looking forward to this!

If you can't take Built's advice to turn her down - (thus proving you aren't a beggar and don't need 'pity sex').......and she doesn't care - fuck her any damn way you like.

I have not a clue what 'grunge-fucked' means......but if you think rougher and less personal is a bad thing.......heh.....

And I agree with Bigmoe - now my curiosity is, uh, aroused?

 

[Built]

if you think rougher and less personal is a bad thing.......heh.....

...now my curiosity is, uh, aroused?

No kidding - he had me at "rougher"!

 

[Muscle_Girl]

Yikes.. has anyone taken a step back and thought maybe its a mental issue she has? You all are easy to bash her, but you don't know the whole story.

Ravager, you describe your wife as the "not as bright" type openly on the internet, maybe its possible some of that comes off and she senses it.

Maybe she doesn't feel special anymore.. maybe she is depressed. Maybe she is stressed the fuck out with a child and concentrating on school. Not to mention if its her last two weeks, finals are happening. When was the last time you did something super special for her.. without the expectation of something sexual to follow. Have you been working out lately, and she doesn't? Is she a bigger person? She obviously feels like she doesn't deserve you, and that could be making her push you away.

When was the last time you lit up some candles to surprise her? Drew a bath for her? Gave her a full body massage that didn't lead to sex? Made her dinner? Took her out for a nice dinner? Plainly looked in her eyes with a smile and told her she was beautiful. How often do you two spend time together alone, without your child?

You don't want to give up this easily, especially with a child between you.

 

[Built]

^ The voice of reason.

 

[Glycomann]

I don't know if I'll be much help here but I'll try. I've been married for28 years. Marriage is a strange beast. Sexual activity goes up and down. My wife and I have had periods 20 years into our marriage when we were all over each other all the time. and then there were times when she was not that interested. Life happens. Kids take priority. There are stresses and worries. A lot of women internalize pressures more than men do and it effects the intimacy part of life. Women need more emotional intimacy than men and men are often to busy to offer it up. When you do have relations make it count. Get more interested especially after the next few days. That should be natural. That's what sex does. It's biochemical. Sometimes the relationship needs a jump start. I don't mean another woman for a threesome. I mean put in the extra effort to make her feel significant, appreciated and loved. If you can get the little it of romance in there the whole thing can get jump started. That's how it works for us sometimes.

A mistress is a bad idea. I won't go into details but you just don't want your emotions being yanked around. That's true even if the Mrs. never finds out and if she does your current situation will be something you wish you could go back to.