Worst Sexual Experience ever

[ponyboy]

don't know if this has been posted before, but I haven't seen a thread to this effect yet, so I figured it would be fun. What is your WORST all time sexual experience ever (names are not necessary, of course). Either a funny story, or just someone that was awful in bed.

In university I once took a girl to bed, went to go down and had to recoil because of the bad smell. It was disgusting. Needless to say, we still started performing the act (any port in a storm), but the funny thing was she just lay very still and quiet without making a sound...it creeped me out. After a few minutes she actually piped up "can I get on top, I can't totally get into it this way". I was feeling like a little bit of a smartass at this point because she was awful and replied "You've been into it up until now?"

One quick right cross later and a hasty goodnight and my night was complete. In retrospect, not the best choice of words but when you're with a girl like that, you have to make things entertaining somehow.

 

[bigss75]

My worst experience not really sexual but funny I was around 15 at the time.So I was at my girlfriend's house and I was really horny so I decided to jack off and so I got my g friends lotion i was doing it and I thought my girlfriend was at the her door about to come in so i put unit back in my pants .But to my suprise it was her mom asking me to help her move her table. So not to be mean I said yes I kinda stood up and then I realized my wood and sat down. Her mom saw and her face got red. I have had problems looking her in the eyes ever since.

 

[HickeyNC]

My ex and i were having sex one night after being out at a club. She was on top just bouncing up and down. Well she bounced a little too high and I slipped out just before she came down. Honest to God I thought she broke it. I was in so much pain the world froze, just as bad if not worse than getting kicked in the jewels. She is asking me "Oh my GOD are you OK? Are you OK?" I'm sitting there holding myself with my face white as a ghost thinking "Fuc no I'm not OK i think you just broke my dic!!" Luckly she didnt break anything. Needless to say I wasnt in the mood to finish anything that night.

 

[david]

Being in a strip joint drunk and having a she male give me a big wet kiss (No tongue Thank God!) amd not realizing it!

I have more but I'll just start with that one.

W8 know this story in detail! Please DO NOT copy and paste that story!

 

[w8lifter]

Originally posted by davidjasondean
Being in a strip joint drunk and having a she male give me a big wet kiss (No tongue Thank God!) amd not realizing it!

I have more but I'll just start with that one.

W8 know this story in detail! Please DO NOT copy and paste that story!

 

[david]

W8, You seem very amused.... well, were waiting for yours worst experience reply.... hmmn? hmmn?

Don't you dare say you never had one either. None of us will buy that story!!!! LOL!

 

[bigss75]

Originally posted by davidjasondean
Being in a strip joint drunk and having a she male give me a big wet kiss (No tongue Thank God!) amd not realizing it

Was he hot!


Just joking that is very gross story. i wouldnt of said that one out loud to anybody if I were u.

 

[david]

Actually she kinda looked like Cher

 

[david]

This is not me but my friend.

I was told that his date wanted to have sex with him and after going wild on her for 10 mins while she was on top, he came.

The next day we asked he how it was and she said, "He came" And then we said, "Did you"? She said, "No". Then she further said, "He never put it in me".

 

[Mik]

I was giving this chick in the shower from behind but she liked really hard, I used to take it out line it up thrust it in repeatedly but on that day my aiming wasn't that good and as I thrusted it went straight into the wrong hole she let out a scream so loud the dogs next door started barking

I told her it was an accident but she doesn't believe me.


She still can't look me in the eye I think I violated her personal space or something

 

[Dr. Pain]

Blind date with friends...a set up....looks OK..but no personality!

Racquetball.....Mmm ok, no ability...now it's about midnight in Vegas

"Can I take you home?"
"No, I want to go out to eat with you guys"

Chinese ends at 2 AM

"Can I take you home now"
"No, I want to go home with you"

WORST sex of my life....DEAD MEAT...she didn't move anything..I swear it wasn't my fault

OK, here's the kicker...5 minutes into sex...her lifeless body looks up...she has known me for all of 5 hours and she says:

"I love you"

BOO-BAH what a bad memory!

DP

 

[HickeyNC]

Dr. Pain, did she try to keep in touch after that? I dont know about you, but something like that would freak me out.

 

[david]

Dr. Pain,

That would freak me out about the 143 but the lifelessness, some women do that. You just got to do what you have to do. It sounded like all she wanted was your juices! You wore a rubber, right?

Maybe you should have done anal with her to get a respose?!?!

 

[ALBOB]

Originally posted by davidjasondean Don't you dare say you never had one either. None of us will buy that story!!!! LOL!

Especially considering who you're married to.

 

[scarecrow]

DP, after reading your post I forgot any idea's I even had to talk about.... That is messed up!! Did she become a stalker or anything?

 

[Dr. Pain]

Originally posted by davidjasondean
Dr. Pain,

That would freak me out about the 143 but the lifelessness, some women do that. You just got to do what you have to do. It sounded like all she wanted was your juices! You wore a rubber, right?

Maybe you should have done anal with her to get a respose?!?!

This was in a time were Aids wasn't prevelant....no "raincoat" and that makes the story even more interesting....she was late by two weeks and kept me on pin and needles! I had asked, "What are we doing about Birth Control". I got the response i had heard so many times before..."Oh, don't worry about it!" Shiiiiiaaaat!


{QUOTE]Dr. Pain, did she try to keep in touch after that? I dont know about you, but something like that would freak me out.[/QUOTE]

She married and I never really saw her again. Freaked me enough to always make sure my "Meat" moves now while I eat it!

DP


DP

 

[ericg753]

Well hum-diggity,

Clicker Part I
----------------
There was this girl Michelle (oops I said her name!) that was nicknamed ???The Clicker???. I never knew what that meant until a couple of girls that went to school with her explained it to me. One night a bunch of people were hanging out, and Michelle (damn I did it again!) and some guy disappeared. So now everyone is asking hey where did they go? All of the sudden you hear this clicking sound (shocks on a car). They disappeared into the car and started going at it. Nice.
So one night I am at this club with my friend. He introduced me to Ms. Clicker. Clicky and I hit it off. Me and my friend are so piss drunk, plus it???s dark in the club, I don???t know and I don???t care what she looks like. In the daylight, she???s kinda cute, but looks like she was gang banged by a Compton hood gang. Anyway, Clicky and I are talking, I said ahh what the hell, I grab her and start making out with her. She is surprised but excited and says ???my are you suave!??? I???m thinking ???HA! You think that was good, wait until I poke your Pikachu!??? So two minutes later, me, my friend and the Clickster are in my car. It???s thundering and lightning out, heavy downpour, so of course the windows are closed. My friend pretends to fall asleep in the backseat.
Clicky starts clickin on my clock, I???m thinking damn she???s good! So now it???s my turn to reciprocate. I pull down her pants and thong???..
Out from the depths of hell, from the deepest, darkest area of Hades, from the mouth of the evil Lucifer, came the most foul, disgusting, heart wrenching, twisted, demonic smell of dead fish I have ever smelled. It was so bad, Linda Blair???s head would have twisted at least 4 more times. If Darth Vader ever got his hands (or nose) on it, it would have given new meaning to ???the dark side???.
I started gagging and coughing. Jay is in the backseat covering his mouth trying not to burst out laughing. My eyes teared bad. It was worse than sitting in a field of peeled onions. Worse than smelling salt. Worse than pouring a vat of Morton???s salt on a severed leg. I reached over her as fast as I could with bionic speed to open the window. Now she is getting all wet (take that for what it???s worth). She says ???Hey I???m getting all wet!??? I said ???lucky you???. She asks are you okay? Jay is now hysterical, so am I, and Michelle the Click-meister finally realized what was going on and left. Jay sat in the back seat as to not get the foul stench of rotting corpse on his jeans.

 

[KataMaStEr]

Originally posted by davidjasondean
Being in a strip joint drunk and having a she male give me a big wet kiss (No tongue Thank God!) amd not realizing it!

I have more but I'll just start with that one.

W8 know this story in detail! Please DO NOT copy and paste that story!

No shiat. Fort Lauderdale has homos everywhere. You need to have an eye on the back of you head at all times.

 

[david]

Eric,

I was eating when I read that! That is F*cking disgusting! LOL! But I think we've all had that one time or another. Still, that was GROSS!

Kata,

I lived in Orlando at the time but that's no excuse for S. Florida. Believe me, I'm very cautious now!

 

[SpecialK]

We were in Frankfurt, in the Red light district. Decided to go to a strip club. Well they have little cabins, where you can go and pay to watch porn on TV's they got in there. My ex and I decided to go in and do our thing. We didn't know that they had cameras outside the cabins, and they could see everyone who went in them. Well 2 minutes later, we're in the middle of it, and we hear a loud knock on the door and German voice was telling us that he called the polizi. So, all paranoid, my ex and I run out of the cabin. He didn't have time to zip up his pants, so in the process of running, he fell and broke his nose......but it was worth the rush...at least for me

 

[david]

Oh, that was you in that amatuer German video!!! LOL! Just kidding Special K!

Were these Cabin's that clean to have sex in? Never mind that, it didn't SMELL?

 

[SpecialK]

I think that we were too drunk to worry about cleanliness...I know that's pretty bad...but I don't think that we really touched anything...that's kind of gross now that I think about it....as far as the smell goes, they actually have incents burn through out the hallways....I don't know if it was to kill the smell or to blend in with all the dope they smoke down there

 

[david]

That is all too cool anyways.... to have sex in a public closed off place. I tried having sex with my girlfriend in a store dressing room but stopped and when we came out the attendant was astonished. Since we didn't do it all the way, I gave the attendant (female) a wink and a smile and she smiled back. I went back and whispered in her ear that nothing happened! She smiled again. I was hoping she would say go back and let me join in! So much for fantasy! LOL!!!!!

 

[ericg753]

Clicker Part II
-----------------

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.......


The galatic Click Empire has diminished. Rebel forces have penetrated the evil odors and forced back the hounds of hell. It has been 5 years since our hero, Jedi knight Ericg753 has seen any sight of Darth Clicker. Though he fought valiantly, his trusty sidekick, Chewbacca, lost all his hair. Apparantly there were toxic fumes that caused all of Chewie's hair to fall out. He now hosts ABC's "Who wants to be a millionaire?". For now, there is peace in the air....

I bump into Clicker in a shopping mall. Great. Her body looks good, face is the same (wolves mistake it for the moon and howl at it). I'm thinking, ahh, what the hell (being the horny goat that I was). So we exchange numbers. Now we take it a bit slower (instead of attempting to have sex the same night, it took 2 dates). We went swimming at a college Olympic pool. Fun date, great cardio though. She humped me in the pool. Ummm, hi everyone. I don't know these people, who gives a shit? 2nd date, movies. Goes down on me. Cool. This is definitely a girl I want Mom to meet. Not.
3rd date. Back at my house. Goes down on me. Hoover vacuum. Cool. Okay, my turn. My light saber is out, ready to penetrate steel at this point. I am remembering my encounter with the Evil Sith Lord from years ago. I hold my breath. Everything looks normal so far. I slowly breathe in. No foul stench! Hurrah!
I am ready to let the force flow. So now, the vast canyon opens....I hear Obi Wan say "Feel the force, Eric!" At the same time I hear Jenny from Forrest Gump say "Run, Eric, Run!"

Talk about Grand Canyon! I swear, this girl's idea of a vibrator is using a Louisville Slugger baseball bat! No, I'm wrong. Hellman's Mayonnaise bottle. No, still too small. Sarlacc's pit. There we go. I think I even saw tentacles come out. My light saber whimpered and dropped to it's knees. Darth Clicker was back. "It is useless to resist. You don't know the power of the dark twazzle!"
Sure enough, I threw on my clothes, put my light saber away, and kicked her out at hyper speed.

Goodbye, Darth Clicker.

 

[Jodi]

ROTFLMFAO!!!

That is way too funny. Into the depths of the unknown!!

 

[I Are Baboon]

ericg is killing me here!!

 

[J'Bo]

You are quite a story teller Eric.
I guess she must have had a nasty infection the first time you did her. Good thing that cleared up. Is she a hooker with a kat like that? Or are you on the smaller side? JJ of course.

 

[Leslie]

"I hold my breath. Everything looks normal so far. I slowly breathe in. No foul stench! Hurrah!"

I have had guys friends tell me they do this test! Unbelievable a girl would stink period, yet on a date ? GROSS

 

[david]

Here's an experienced from others. Lucklily I have NOT!

Messy Anal Sex. Especially if the woman is a virgin to anal sex.
D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G!!!!!!

Need I not say anymore about anal!

 

[J'Bo]

No you need not say more thanks dave.
Barf.