how to tell her???

[greddy]

Hi all,

I am into fitness and bodybuilding so therefore staying in shape means alot to me. My girlfriend is overweight and I am worried about her. Being overweight affects her health and thus I do not want that. I wont deny that I would like her to be in better shape for appearance, but mainly due to her health. Some of her friends have gone straight out and told her that she's fat and that did upset her. So I am very conscious about what I say but I still wish to get her into a more healthier lifestyle for her's and my sake.

Could anyone help me as to how to tell her?

Thanks all for your help, I just don't know how to tell a girl this and am afraid to hurt her feelings.

Thanks!
greddy

 

[PreMier]

Ask her to go to the gym with you. Be sure to introduce her slowly, so she doesnt get DOMS to bad, and not want to return.

 

[LAM]

Hi all,

I am into fitness and bodybuilding so therefore staying in shape means alot to me. My girlfriend is overweight and I am worried about her. Being overweight affects her health and thus I do not want that. I wont deny that I would like her to be in better shape for appearance, but mainly due to her health. Some of her friends have gone straight out and told her that she's fat and that did upset her. So I am very conscious about what I say but I still wish to get her into a more healthier lifestyle for her's and my sake.

Could anyone help me as to how to tell her?

Thanks all for your help, I just don't know how to tell a girl this and am afraid to hurt her feelings.

Thanks!
greddy

that sucks, very tough spot to be in...

did she used to play sports in high school or college ? was she always overweight ? getting somebody to completely change their lifestyle is next to impossible, they have to do it for themselves...

 

[greddy]

Hi Premier and Lam,

Thanks guys for your help.

Premier: I'll probably start with her diet first then ask her to join the gym with me

Lam: She use to play netball in which she was in good shape. But now she doesn't play any sport and has a poor diet (like sweets, icecream and maccas). So yes I agree that changing her is going to be very tough, but hey im gonna give it a go

Thanks guys heaps for your input!!

greddy

 

[LAM]

not sure where you live but maybe somehow you can incorporate some type of outside activities into your relationship ?

 

[lil big man]

I feel you dude, I had the same problem, my ex-girlfriend was the same way. All I did was try to make her understand how important it was to me that she be in better shape and that I was willing to do all that I could to help her out. She started going to the gym with me and making better choices when it came to eating. She cut back on sugars and sodas, then when she started to see some results she became even more motivated. It's a process dude just don't try to hard too soon. That is a very tough spot to be in.

 

[sara]

Are you a good cook? start cooking healthy romantic dinners and to be sweeter pack food for both of you

 

[OceanDude]

You better assess her true underlying personality and determine if she is really the kind of person that has all the proper values about discipline, determination, high self worth/respect etc. before you commit to a long haul and investment in time with her if fitness is important to you (as it should be). The big problem most obese people have is lack of self esteem and respect and and you will have to spend a LOT of time getting past all the emotional baggage. If she is not a "winner" at heart any superficial efforts she might put forward will rapidly evaporate at the first emotional setback. If she does not have the intrinsic ability to bounce back from a setback without a lot of hand holding I hate to say it but - move on. In my opinion obesity and overweight are more identity and psychology issues than they are genetic disorders or simply nutritional ignorance. Certainly at some point its a cascade effect that feeds on itself (no pun intended) as they become more overweight and resent how they look. The only consistent thing in nature that has caused permanent change in behavior is increased stress levels (same process for body builders for muscle growth). If you just softy support her and don't make her work for it and feel like she has to push herself its just not going to happen. She will have have to decide what is important to her and then make the commitment to it. All you can do is put a little stress on her (in a loving way) to give her the motivation to examine the possibilities for change. It sounds cruel but life is no box of chocolates.

OD

 

[Arnold]

I am into fitness and bodybuilding so therefore staying in shape means alot to me. My girlfriend is overweight and I am worried about her.

I hate to say this, but from those two sentences right there I think you should seriously reassess your relationship, sounds like maybe you should find a female that shares your values. I highly doubt you will be successful at changing your girlfriend, if she does not value fitness like you, I doubt she ever will.

 

[ncgirl21]

How overweight is she? Does she have a medical condition that makes her overweight? How long have you two been together? How old is she?

 

[Sapphire]

Good questions NC..

What do you think made her start eating so poorly? Stress? Does being overweight bother HER?

I hate to say this.. but Rob and OD are right, it's very important to have the same values when you are in a relationship otherwise it is probably destined to fail.

 

[BoneCrusher]

Never met a woman that I could change. Some wanted to change for me but were always the same person. You can help her if she sees a problem, but you will not ever change her. After 22 years I am not the same person I was and am single now. I changed, my ex stayed the same. We get along great but I will not ever be able to change her ... nor she me. I love her, but the party thing she still wants to do is way old news to me and not even close to what I see as a good time ... boring! Personal choices define who we are. She has hers, you have yours. If they are not simular than you may need to make the right choice for you and move on.

A class act will always try to take the high road first. Tell her how you feel, communicate your mind. Let her see you are decided on your goals in life and let her wrap her mind around that whole thought process. Step back and let her be who she is ... from there you will know what direction to take.

 

[jack52]

Hate to sound like a kiss up but the Prince is all over this one. I've been trying for three years with my wife and all I've got to show for it is three years of paid up ,unused gym time in her name. If she doesn't share your interest now, cut your losses and fly.

I hate to say this, but from those two sentences right there I think you should seriously reassess your relationship, sounds like maybe you should find a female that shares your values. I highly doubt you will be successful at changing your girlfriend, if she does not value fitness like you, I doubt she ever will.

 

[Luke9583]

tell her you're thinking about gaining 50lbs of fat


I was in a similar situation early, and I had to just split

 

[sweatshopchamp]

Wow. Thats tough...If you really care about this girl you have no other choice to try to help and encourage her in the right direction. Tell her she doesnt have to get as serious as you are but encourage her to take better care of herself. Let her know this is the number one issue in your relationship (if it is). I went through the same thing but wiht my mom. It would just kill me to see her eat terribly and not exercise. I would make comments when I saw someone eating chips or somthing unhealthy (when she was around) like why would anyone want to inject that into their system. Tell her that you will help her in this and that she's not alone. My mom saw me as a source of inspiration and has changed her ways. Just let her know you still love her for who she is and just tell her your worried about her future health. If she still doesnt want to change whenever you see the cause is hopless I would tell herthat your relationship isnt going to work. Especially if fitness is near the top of your priority list. Im a Christian and refuse to date a non-Christian not because im better then them, because im not; but because thats my number one priority in my life. Its easier to pull somone down from a chair then try to pull one up on to it.

 

[bulletproof1]

i think it depends on how she feels about herself the way she is now. if she is satisfied with the overweightness, poor diet, etc, then i would move on. if on the other hand she wants to improve herself, its a perfect opportunity to teach her and show her about fitness. you cant make her be fit, but you can share the benefits of being fit with her.

 

[greddy]

First of all, I thank everyone here that has given me their caring advice.

I was once overweight and know exactly how it feels when someone mentions anything (even a slight touch) about your weight, so I just don't know how to approach her.

She was not overweight before since she was into sports and alot more active (go on walks, etc.), but now she is just lazy(hurts me to say it but its true). Not only that, she eats alot of junk food so that doesn't help.

I guess all I can do is give it a go, give her all my support and explain to her the benefits of having good health and how it benefits her, so she is willing to do it for herself.

If that fails then maybe it's time to move on.

We'll see how it goes, thanks all for your help!!!

All the best!
greddy

 

[angelpaws]

Whatever you do, just don't mention her appearance. Don't say 'Ive noticed that you've gotten bigger', or whatever because that will only make her feel bad. I know that you realize this, it is such a sensitive issue. But try to stay away from the topic of appearance altogether.
Focus on the increased energy and other good stuff that will come when she gets more active. Better yet, maybe you shouldnt even breach the topic with her just yet. Instead take action and stop buying junk food, cook healthy meals and plan physical activity to do together. After a few weeks of this, then you can have a conversation about improving bad health habits. Keep us updated and good luck.

 

[ajaydeolia]

Hi i have been a reader of this forum for a very long time but this topic has made me register just so i can reply. i feel so strongly about this situation as i have been training for over 2 years now and have been with my partner fo over 3 and a half years. she has the most beautiful face i have ever seen. but she has never excercised in her life and her body is not doing her justice. she could looks so good if she wanted to. she has seen me transform from a very skinny guys to a guy with a half decent buid. i have told her i have done it for her hoping she would take the hint but she never did, i then tried complete blatantness and told her to her face i wanted her to lose wieght. not in a nasty way i was as kind as i could be but she just got very upset and i took grief from her for over a month about it. i have had my friend who is a personal fitness trainer talk to her but it didnt work either. now i know im screwed. unless she wants it it will never happen no matter what i do. my friends have told me to do physical actvities with her but i know that i will constantly have to push her to do it. so i guess this post isnt really a reply jus someone sayin they understand u. cos believe me it hurts whe u seriously bustin urself to look good for her and she cant even be bothered to do the same.

 

[bulletproof1]

thats strange ... i would think your success would motivate her.

things that make you go hmmmmm.

 

[BulkMeUp]

^^ never happens that way in my experience.. People just wont do it unless they really want to. which is the basis of my belief "if you really want anything, you will MAKE the time and PUT IN the effort. All else are just excuses because you dont really want it."
The sad part is that some come to the realisation that they need to fix their bodies when they have a medical scare. Then they do it only to save their lives or because 'the doctor told me to do it'.

 

[ajaydeolia]

dnt people care about the way they look. i will never stop training, cos i know that later on in life when most of the married couples we know will be fat asses i will still look good and my girl will be proud of me. screw this i aint talking about this anymore its too fukin depressing

 

[Sapphire]

Hi i have been a reader of this forum for a very long time but this topic has made me register just so i can reply. i feel so strongly about this situation as i have been training for over 2 years now and have been with my partner fo over 3 and a half years. she has the most beautiful face i have ever seen. but she has never excercised in her life and her body is not doing her justice. she could looks so good if she wanted to. she has seen me transform from a very skinny guys to a guy with a half decent buid. i have told her i have done it for her hoping she would take the hint but she never did, i then tried complete blatantness and told her to her face i wanted her to lose wieght. not in a nasty way i was as kind as i could be but she just got very upset and i took grief from her for over a month about it. i have had my friend who is a personal fitness trainer talk to her but it didnt work either. now i know im screwed. unless she wants it it will never happen no matter what i do. my friends have told me to do physical actvities with her but i know that i will constantly have to push her to do it. so i guess this post isnt really a reply jus someone sayin they understand u. cos believe me it hurts whe u seriously bustin urself to look good for her and she cant even be bothered to do the same.

Aww.. you are sweet. Does your girl feel good about her body? Does she complain about being fat or is she OK with how she looks? If she is OK with how she looks, then you have a tough road ahead of you.
Personally the second most important reason I workout, second to my health, is to look good for my bf. Seriously. He is very into fitness and has a awesome body. We understand each other and support each others goals, if we didn't, it wouldn't work.

 

[ajaydeolia]

well she jus says this is the way she has always been. i said wat the hell!! do u think that all those beautiful women out there were born that way. then and extremly heated argument ensued and i just left it cos we were gettin no where with it. the only real solution i c is to gain 60 kg in weight and become hideously fat cos i know she would be turned off me. but i cabt do that to myself. lol the thought of it is horrible.

ps my typing sucks

 

[ajaydeolia]

oops

 

[ajaydeolia]

oops again

 

[bulletproof1]

well i just hope she supports you with your goals because i think every spouse should support even if they have different goals.

 

[DOMS]

I think Chris Rock said it best (from memory):

"You and your women have to be into the same thing. If she's into religion, you gotta be into religion. If she's into crack, you gotta be into crack. She can't be going to church and she asks you, "where you going" and you say "to get my crack pipe." It just ain't gonna work.

Just think, when you're 70 and going out for a jog, she'll be riding here scooter to the fridge.

Yeah, it sounds harsh, but it's something you've got to think about.

It's what I think about nearly every day.

 

[Sapphire]

well she jus says this is the way she has always been. i said wat the hell!! do u think that all those beautiful women out there were born that way. then and extremly heated argument ensued and i just left it cos we were gettin no where with it. the only real solution i c is to gain 60 kg in weight and become hideously fat cos i know she would be turned off me. but i cabt do that to myself. lol the thought of it is horrible.

ps my typing sucks

Nah.. that's not a solution. I know you were kidding though.
I really can't relate to tell you the truth, I dont really understand why she wouldn't want to be healthier. I do feel for ya, I wouldn't be as patient as you have been.

 

[ncgirl21]

I don't really think it matters if your "into the same thing," I think it just boils down to respect. For instance, Most of my friends and family know how strict my view are on food and working out. If we go out and they want to go for pizza we (either my friends, boyfriend, parents, etc.) try to pick a place that I will be able to order from too because I get VERY stressed out over it. My ex and I lived together. When I was dieting strictly I respected the fact that he wasn't just like he respected the fact that I was. I can't expect him not to have his "good" food in the house just the same as he has to put up with the smell of my broccoli. When he ate pizza, he ate pizza- he knew not to offer me any because I had told him not to and that I thought that it was rude to do something deliberatly to try to cause someone not to reach their goal. So, bottom line, she has to RESPECT your desires to be healthy, diet and exercise for you, but you need to respect the fact that she isn't. Not everyone is into fitness like the people on this board are, that's just life. If you love her- tough it out and hope that she will change but if it's something you just can NOT put up with and your views are that strong than I suggest you find someone else.