Diary of a madman.....

[Jodi]

PB - J'Bo, Butterfly and myself have all told you that its gonna be a game for her. A game with your emotions. I know everyone suggestions are easier said than done but you need to really be careful here. She has already said she basically doesn't want you as a friend. Sounds to me like she is gonna do what she can to keep you as more than friends. She said its ok to date other people. The first time you go ahead and go on a date with someone else you are going to feel so guilty and almost like you are cheating on her. Then the next time you talk to her and you either tell her you are going on a date or going to go on a date she is gonna get moody. It will start with her voice sounding sad and then she will start to get very short almost bitter in a way but she will still be saying its OK. I don't know if this makes sense but its her way of telling you she really doesn't want you to date other people. Then you are gonna feel like a dirt bag. Then when its all over (the date and her bitterness) and the next time you try to date again you won't be able to go through with it. Another game of holding you down and keeping you to herself. Again I hope this makes sense. I think most women that read this will understand what I mean. Its a guilt trip thing without saying NO I don't want you to date other women.

Ok with that being said, I really hope you be careful. Also, I could be wrong and it really could work out for you. Anyway, I hope it does go well and you don't run into this type of issue.

 

[butterfly]

I think you hit it right on the head Mochy!!!

Something else to consider PB... while you two are "being friends" and as long as she's secretly hoping you two stay together... SHE won't be free to pursue that special someone that's out there who will want to fulfil all her needs including marriage & kids of her own.

 

[Pitboss]

Originally posted by butterfly
I think you hit it right on the head Mochy!!!

Something else to consider PB... while you two are "being friends" and as long as she's secretly hoping you two stay together... SHE won't be free to pursue that special someone that's out there who will want to fulfil all her needs including marriage & kids of her own.

She will if I bring them home to her

 

[Miss LeDix]

If all of you like the way PB writes in here...you should check out the story he just wrote in the Open Chat forum...'What's wrong Fade' or whatever it was called.

Sorry PB, just had to give you credit...**going back to non-pornality now..**

 

[ZECH]

Commenting on Mochy's comment.................
Jealous gf's are trouble!!!! PB.............I have to take the girls side on this one!! What was the name of that movie with Mr. Douglas??? You better make up your mind one way or the other! Fuq her or get the hell out....if not your asking for trouble!

 

[Pitboss]

Originally posted by Miss LeDix
If all of you like the way PB writes in here...you should check out the story he just wrote in the Open Chat forum...'What's wrong Fade' or whatever it was called.

Sorry PB, just had to give you credit...**going back to non-pornality now..**

Thanks Miss L... I noticed you brought a friend with you to IM.. Adidas. Funny you non-pornal and
Adidas.. All Day I Dream About Sex

Hmmm strange company you keep!!!!

 

[Jodi]

Another Korn fan?

 

[Pitboss]

Okay.... I'm a bastard, an asshole, and anything else you can think..

I'm still seeing Amanda.. just not as much as I had been before. We talk about things.. sometimes "us" comes up and I can tell she's hoping I'll just go back the way it was. I can't though. I'm just feel??? Free? I guess that's the word. I was being smothered and didn't realize it. Now it's almost weird. Almost like she is saying go on, get out there and get it out of your system. Maybe that's what I need?? I don't know. But I haven't been just sitting at home.. okay I've been working but even then I'm working it!!

So yeah.. I'm having sex with her still.. while maintaining a freindship/relationship/not a relationship kind of thing....

and while I'm doing that I'm swapping telephone numbers with a 22 year old stripper from another club.. not the one I work at... who happens to also do porn...

Either this is God's way of testing me or Satan's way of having fun!!!!


other than the normal woes of PB and his women troubles it was a busy weekend. Worked 4 nights straight, no sleep, lunch with family on Saturday, spend a few hours with Carter and his mom tagged along, then an afternoon hanging with Amanda.. uhm twice.. he he ... oh !!!

The EX!!! She finally got laid!! About freaking time! That girl needed a good fuq!! Sorry but she did. I would have offered,..... NOT!!!

 

[Pitboss]

Originally posted by mochy
Another Korn fan?

Huh???? Used Cucumbers but haven't tried corn... could be interesting!!!

I know... that was bad!!!

 

[Jodi]

OK so you don't listen to Korn! They have a song called A.D.I.D.A.S (all day I dream about sex)! Never mind.

 

[dvlmn666]

Originally posted by mochy
OK so you don't listen to Korn! They have a song called A.D.I.D.A.S (all day I dream about sex)! Never mind.

awesome song.

 

[Pitboss]

I have the CD but never even paid attention the titles of the songs...

Okay had therapy today... oh I'm a wacko inscae anyone missed that part.

My ex gf/current gf/??? and my therapist both put it bluntly to me... "so want you want is a GF but still be able to fuck whoever you want?" My reply... "hmmmm yep that seems to work best for me"

I'm such a f'n pig!!!

Oh and we talked about Carter, my ex, more of Amanda, sex, more sex, what I like, etc.... She was looking pretty good today. Never realized her breasts were that big before... there I go again. Damn.

Wonder if I can go a whole day without one single sexual thought?? hey stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

 

[ZECH]

So your therapists is a woman? Anyone want to lay odds on how long it will be before PB bangs her????

 

[J'Bo]

I bet 10 million that he has sexual thoughts of taking her over that leather couch within 3 sessions.

Seriously PB maybe you need to get your hormones tested and get that effing testosterone undercontrol.

 

[ZECH]

Originally posted by J'Bo
I bet 10 million that he has sexual thoughts of taking her over that leather couch within 3 sessions.

Seriously PB maybe you need to get your hormones tested and get that effing testosterone undercontrol.

BAAAAAWAAAAAA!! He had that thought within 10 minutes of the first session!!!!!!!! Now tell the truth PB!!!

 

[Pitboss]

Originally posted by J'Bo
I bet 10 million that he has sexual thoughts of taking her over that leather couch within 3 sessions.

Seriously PB maybe you need to get your hormones tested and get that effing testosterone undercontrol.

Okay.. I'm like this normally all the time. Just think how bad I could be considering I've been on Test for the past 8 weeks!!!! Too bad I wasted on that money.. not time to work out, not eating right, blah, blah, blah... a little bigger but not much.


Sexual thoughts??? Oh yeah!!! On the couch, over the armrest of that over stuffed chair she sits on, standing agaisnt the wall.. oh I have already made use of every possible corner of the room!!!!

Amanda came over last night, early. Seems she took a few days off from work.. needed a break from it all, all but me. We talked about my session with the therapist. I openely and honestly always tell Amanda what I said in my sessions. I think because of my honesty it has made her think things out, maybe better than me. She said she has no problems with me "getting it out of my system" If I make a date she said she would like to know ahead of time so she doesn't interfere with whatever plans I have made... not sure I can tell her that though. I don't know.

There was a lot more discussion about that stuff... but in the end it lead to her feelings about her she feels I didn't give her a chance and that's what hurts her the most. That I gave her the feeling I gave up and had to find it elsewhere... not just sex people, well sex but we are talking threesomes, group, etc..... she is willing to try anything with me but not like all at once!!! Although that can be arranged... LOL

So sexually we are on the same level. Me being the more agressive one willing to act on the whatever situation cums up..

One thing that I pointed out to her and it made both of us a little more comfortable with what's going on... I said to her as we were having some drinks, holding hands under the table, me looking at her like a teenager with a crush on hs English teacher... hmm mine were all males.. okay this Spanish teacher that so f'n hot.. omg she would wear these tight ass jeans and tight shirts.. she blew away any gorl in school that's how hot she was and she knew it!!! Oh so yeah.. I said besides all the crap I have put you through in the past few weeks what's different right now versus a month ago?? Nothing she said. You treat me the same way, you look at me the same way, you keep me up on that pedestal the same way, so really nothing. it was all good.

I know you all probably can't really understand this stuff and it's tough to describe sometimes but for me right now, this time in my life I need my cake and the icing too or however that saying goes. If Amanda is willing to allow me to do that I have no reasons to not want to be with her. I'm not stopping her from finding anyone better.. hell I made a comment about it not being fair to her and she got pissed!! If I wanted to be with someone else I wouldn't be here with you right now... okay, okay.. geez I was just saying... oh and she knows that I have no problem with her helping herself to a little kilbasa on the side!

 

[Pitboss]

Wonder if she will see this...

Morning Danilee!!!!

 

[J'Bo]

OK PB
Sounds like your little "icing on the cake and eat it too" is quite selfish. If you cared about her you would let her go. No one can take the torture of being used like that, even if she says its ok. I dont know where you grew up but where i come fromyou just dont treat people like that. Sorry for being harsh, but it sounds like you arent being very considerate of her feelings. So whenever you say you care so much about her, i now doubt you. Do you want to scare the girl forever? Cause it will take her a long time to get over what you are going to put her through.

 

[danilee]

PB,

Wow, what can I say..I read your journal, and I have my opinions.

Amanda, sweet Amanda, I have been in her shoes before, said and done the exact same things....Women play games with sex, we use it to control men...It is very hard to get out of doing it, but this is what most women do...When we have nothing else, we give head, thinking someway some how, this is gonna make the guy love is again.

I am in an industry now where I have learned a lot about the ways of sex and men...I am also in a realtionship that flys in the face of what I think I learned at work, and in other situations in life.

My stance and actions now, and for the past few years, have been one of, not doing the duty until the commitmant is in place, and pretty much put in place by the guy. Yes, MANY don't stick around for months waiting to get some, but the ones who do, you usually don't have these kinda problems with.

PB, have ya thought about just going without? I know that sounds harsh and all, but sometimes true intimacy is what is going to have you stick around, even after the sex cools off...I think sex makes things way to complicated when it happens too soon...You won't grow emotionally when you do things without emotion.

I was on a merry go round about these issues for a while, and while it seems really great to hear stories and live out sexual fantasy, I will tell you I do, and IT AIN"T NO BIGGIE...Everyone wants to be loved and accepted for WHO THEY ARE, bottom line...We do things out of FEAR or LOVE, that is it...Everything can be traced back to those two emotions really. Think about it.

I believe that if you take things really slow, focuse on your own growth(and your son) you will become intune with things around you and figure out what really is the issues here...

I always thought about being with other men(heck I was, but the other men wanted commitments too) I soon realized that I am going to be old and grey one day..My youth will be gone, I want someone that is there with me, old and grey...Maybe even sick...I want to love someone old and grey...You find these connections early on and evolve with the person, and there you find security and peace...Something we all need(even you).
So in the end this is what we are all searching for, just takes some longer to admit it, accept it, not fear it...AND LOVE, just because.
OK, maybe more later, hard night stripping.
danilee

 

[Pitboss]

Originally posted by J'Bo
OK PB
Sounds like your little "icing on the cake and eat it too" is quite selfish. If you cared about her you would let her go. No one can take the torture of being used like that, even if she says its ok. I dont know where you grew up but where i come fromyou just dont treat people like that. Sorry for being harsh, but it sounds like you arent being very considerate of her feelings. So whenever you say you care so much about her, i now doubt you. Do you want to scare the girl forever? Cause it will take her a long time to get over what you are going to put her through.

Be harsh!! I don't mind really.

I don't know how to really explain whats been going on this past week, or these past few days. We been going about things like nothing ever happened between us. We spent the night hanging out at the pool, watched a movie, cuddled, etc... like nothing had changed.

Yes I do agree that I am being selfish, at least in a sexual standpoint. But as far as the relationship stand point nothing has changed. I know it probably doesn't make sense to anyone. I'm probably coming off like I am just using her to satisfy my own needs. But truth be told it's the other way around and I am completley satisfied with being there when I can for her to make her happy, feel wanted, and most of feel loved.

I guess I'm a dog without a leash. But this dog knows his way home and will always come back home as long as she wants me there.

Like I said before I appreciate everyones comments, good or bad. I read them all, they do sink in and do help in some of the decisions I decide to make or how I approach my conversations with Amanda. Many times she has opened her mouth to say something and I have to push her to say it. I tell her say what ever is on your mind so we can discuss the issue. I don't want her keeping her feelings hidden from me about what's going on now or in the future. I know from my past experiences that not talking and not saying whats on your mind good or bad is the worst possible thing you can do to yourself.

Thanks..


PS. J'bo congrats on your1st place finish!!!! Awesome!!!!

 

[J'Bo]

Thanks PB!
Pics are on the summer 2002 posting.

I think that you guys are kidding yourselfs if you are just going around playing house with your relationship again. It takes work and time to fix a realtionship and it doesnt sound like either of you have done either.

But if you are committed to staying with her and resolving things regardless of what you are going to have to go through, than cool. It doesnt sound like you two are committed to doing that though.

 

[Pitboss]

Originally posted by J'Bo
But if you are committed to staying with her and resolving things regardless of what you are going to have to go through, than cool. It doesnt sound like you two are committed to doing that though.

Well as wacky as this sounds it's true.... we have before and we still do know talk about a future together. I am not.. once again I am not giving her false hopes, or leading her on. That's not my intentions has never been. What I tell her is from the heart. What I tell her about my .. what?? sexual prowness, desires for other women are honest, open and in now way are a reflection of what she does for me or to me in that area of the relationship. I have stressed tiem and time again that it is not about the sex. Yes Danilee I could go without with her and contoniue to focus of the other parts of our relationship. One major problem. When I mention this last week she took it as I was not attracted to her and didn't want her for sex and that is why I needed to get it elsewhere.

Okay look I am approching this relationship so differently than any other I have ever been in. Open and honest. Would it be better that I just cheat behind her back.... as some of you may know I have already once.. Both her and my therapist.. damn I hate saying have one just makes me sound more fucked up... agreed that it takes more to be honest about this than to hide it.

too many good realtionships are thrown away because someone strayed... I'm not talking about having an affair.. I see no excuse for that. But just sex, no emotional attachment. If more people could seperate love and sex... as they are two different things then I really believe more marriages would last. There would be less jealousy in the world and a lot more people with silly grins on their faces... maybe I'm just the extreme when it comes to this stuff. But as I have told Amanda, and even my ex-wife. I don't care what you do with others as long as I know you love me and you always come back to me. If they don't come back then it's obvious they don't love me and why the hell were we together in the first place?????

I know probably everyone here except for myself thinks I'm nuts when I say that I can and do see Ananda and I being together for a very long time.

 

[Pitboss]

to add the mix....

I seem to spend a lot of time talking to people about an open sexual realtionship. Mostly to get some feedback and to see how people react. This is what I have come up with.. my opinion on those that can not consider this as an option.

Jealousy seems to be common with both males and females. Most men seem to be more so than women. Jealous of what? Jealous that the significant other will leave them for the other person. This is actually a very common fear when 3somes is the subject. But what does jealousy really have to do with any of this. Nothing. It's not jealousy it's insecurity. Insercurties about yourself that maybe he/she will find someone that does it better than you. That they turn you on more than they do. Insecurities that they have a better body than you do.

Once again if you are secure enough with yourself, secure enough with your partner and able to seperate sex and love then if there is outside sex in the realtionship.. or even inside (3some, etc) then there is one less issue that could possibly ruin a relationship.

Make a list of the topics that ruin relationships/marriages andtry to come up with a solution that allows that to be avoided.

Infedelities.. both parties have to be secure and of course in total agreement. It's not one or the other.

Money... number one cause of divorce for newlyweds. So what.. win the lottery? I have my own idea's on what works. I prefer not to share it as this may cause the divorce rate to go down and that means less single women for those single men.

Sex.. not related to first subject. lack of from one party or the other. Lots of things to spice it up. But you can only play Nurse so many times. Okay so we hear.. but if you trully love that person then the sex doesn't matter. Sorry but I say its different.. it doesn't matter when you're in your 50-60-70... maybe just 60-70. But when your 30, been married 6 years it pretty much does matter!!! reads cheating spouse. Someone posted a study done back in the 50's regarding cheating spouses. You remember the joke about your dad being the mailman, milkman, etc... they think now that over 50% of spouses cheated back then. I'd say more. I would also say that majority of wives knew it. But what were they to do? They stay home, cook, clean, take care of the kids, etc.... they couldn't just leave how would they live? So turn the cheek and ignore it. It's been like that since the beginning of time. Men cheated. Women too. Difference being women paid a price dearly when caught. Now he cheats, she cheats end of relationship because you can. They both have the means to survive without each other.

Think I got carried away here somewhere along the lines... have no clue what I was trying to really say... rambling alot lately.

Any how just another look into the messed up mind of a ranting madman!!!!

 

[dvlmn666]

Originally posted by Pitboss
Sex.. not related to first subject. lack of from one party or the other. Lots of things to spice it up. But you can only play Nurse so many times. Okay so we hear.. but if you trully love that person then the sex doesn't matter. Sorry but I say its different.. it doesn't matter when you're in your 50-60-70... maybe just 60-70. But when your 30, been married 6 years it pretty much does matter!!! reads cheating spouse.

I used to think that sex didn't play a big part of it either. Til I was married, and well now I'm divorced. But your totally right here PB. Some say it doesn't matter but in the end without sex, they are just a friend, you may love them but it isn't a complete relationship without the whole package.

But damn dude you think about sex more than anybody I've ever met.

I do think the girls are right though about Amanda (cute name by the way) is probably going to end up getting hurt. But I'm sort of in a situation like yours but a bit different.

 

[Pitboss]

Originally posted by dvlmn666
But damn dude you think about sex more than anybody I've ever met.

I don't think that's a good thing... is is????

I do think the girls are right though about Amanda (cute name by the way) is probably going to end up getting hurt. But I'm sort of in a situation like yours but a bit different.

I guess without actully seeing us together, or hearing what we say to each other it's kind of all heresay... We both convey how much we do care for each other. I continue to reforce my feeling for her by letting her know that Carter s number one and she is number two in my life and will continue to be so. When the question comes up about me finding someone else I answer "why would I find anyone else when I'm not looking for anyone else"

If you go back and read everything I have said and understand that I can and I do seperate love and sex. That I can and I do have sex with no emotional attachments. That I can follow my rules of this is sex only... nothing more. If they can't follow those rules nothing gonna happen.....


I'm really waiting for some of the ladies here to just go off on me... I know somebody has to want to say whay a loser I am, a pig, male chauvanist, or whatever else they can come up with.

 

[dvlmn666]

Originally posted by Pitboss


I don't think that's a good thing... is is????

Only if your actually gettting it more than me.

I guess without actully seeing us together, or hearing what we say to each other it's kind of all heresay... We both convey how much we do care for each other. I continue to reforce my feeling for her by letting her know that Carter s number one and she is number two in my life and will continue to be so. When the question comes up about me finding someone else I answer "why would I find anyone else when I'm not looking for anyone else"

If you go back and read everything I have said and understand that I can and I do seperate love and sex. That I can and I do have sex with no emotional attachments. That I can follow my rules of this is sex only... nothing more. If they can't follow those rules nothing gonna happen.....

Yeah, but I was just calling it how I see it. But the fact that your being blatantly honest has to help alot. At least she knows which is very very important.

I think for guys it's easier to seperate sex from love. Just an observation ladies so be nice to me.

 

[Jodi]

I think for guys it's easier to seperate sex from love. Just an observation ladies so be nice to me.

Sex is Sex unless its with someone you love than its more. I think anyone that has been in a Sex/Sex relation can seperate Sex & Love. If you have only been in a Sex/Love relationship then I believe it would be harder to seperate sex from love. Women tend to fall into love faster than men so thats why I believe you think its easier for men to seperate. I think it all depends on the type of relationships one has experienced in the past. Did I confuse you? I tend to do that to people.

 

[dvlmn666]

Nah you made sense, and it's a very reasonable and good answer.

Plus you added in the fact that people must learn from there past.

 

[Pitboss]

All I know is that no matter what decision I make aout my rleationships all that really matter is this guy.. Like I said he's number one, every one else is down the line...

 

[Jodi]

PB you look like you are a very caring father and you love your son very much! I respect that, after a divorce, some parents tend to forget about or neglect their children. I am glad to see that you have put your son as the number 1 thing in your life.