It could only happen to me.. or I'm the only one to admit it!!
A day in the life....
So, I'm trying to get my light that's on a timer (25 watt bulb) to go on just a
little bit earlier than the regular 5am... so I adjust the timer Monday night thinking, it'll be fine... 4:45 or something, right?
So, I get to bed ehh - 10:30 or so last night.... and as usualy have to get up to pee a couple of time... damn bladder!
Then - my glorious light comes on.. I close one eye to try and focus on the vcr while pushing my cat's hair out of the way... IT'S 4:20! 4:fukin20! Covers go over the head - as IF that works - and the alarm goes off another 20-25 minutes later. Nothing's working... I got 2 alarms... they're going off and making me dream some crazy shyt that goes only (why I'm not just swearing here I have no idea!) with the music they're playing or the traffic report... Finally, I drag myself in the 'sitting up' position. I reach over, grab my 3 hydroxi-cuts from the bottle, pick up the water and slam 'em.
Then, as every morning - I grab my gym clothes off the nightstand - right next to me... and shove them under the covers because I'm too much of a wimp to just JUMP up and put them on. Meanwhile, I'm still feeling rather blinded by the fuking light and simultaneously (OK all you critics, am I spelling it RIGHT!?) think to myself.. who the fuk put a 1000 watt bulb in there?! I remind you.. I live alone!
So, while keeping the thong panties under the covers, I feel around for the front and the back. Not a difficult thing to figure out.. AT A NORMAL HOUR and it doesn't take a genius to determine once I GET them on.. that they're backwards! I get them on... I get on the top - I pull the shorts on.... and get out of bed. I drag my ass to the bathroom where on the way I have to step on a trouser hanger.. you know.. the metal kind with the clippies on either end... Oh, that was nice!
I use a warm washcloth to try and wake up, look in the mirror and my eyes are all red. The washcloth felt so good I just wanted to crawl back into bed... which I wanted to do anyway. I brush my teeth, pull the ponytail holder from my hair and start unraveling my French braid. (Usually it's just a ponytail with a braid.. but sometimes I like to get fancy... (like what, I'm gonna have a fucking date in the middle of the night!?) and I french braid it. Sometimes, I can get away with not washing it in the morning... but not after I'm swimming in a pool of sweat after my cardio... I swear I wonder how I've gotten this far sometimes.
So, I get in my freezing ass cold car since I didn't bother to start it before going out this time... .and of course, because my gym's 2 miles away.. the heater's not even kicked in by the time I get there! So, I'm freezing... and what else would you expect from a half asleep blonde wearing a pair of shorts and a sweatshirt with bloodshot eyes!?
So - I get to the gym - do my shit.. whatever....
I get home.... I'm cleaning out my lunchbox from yesterday... no... I opening the little spice jar I put the ketchup in when I took a burger to lunch in ... SO, I open it to see if it's good or not... since I wasn't in the fridge for the last 5 days or some shyt like that. (Can you say Blondie!?) and I decide that I'm going to just toss it in the sink.... as I got to put the lid on, and toss it at the same time.. .I clearly tossed it faster than the lid got on as I quickly had ketchup all over my white cabinets and my white floor and the black rug in front of the sink. Fuking great! I pick up the rug, toss it outside by the laundry.. (oh, did I mention that a fucking bird got into the bird seed a few weeks ago.. well, I found where he's been eating all this shit... on top of one of my shelves in the laundry (inside/outside room) I found something like 1000 empty shells and unless a mouse has a nice little or big backpack... it has to be the bird!!! - I cleaned that up last night!) So.. where was I... OH... it looked like Carrie had been in the Kitchen (gross) So... I throw the rug in the laundry... and proceed to empty the dishwasher. (I first typed dickwasher... what does THAT tell you!?) As I'm starting to empty the dickwasher (I kinda like the way it sounds) I see there's still crap stuck on my dishes... I pull a few more out.. and OH great... Here's a Martha Stewart tip for y'all... Whole Wheat Tortillas... don't do well in the dickwasher! Here's a nice tortilla... that looks like it's been eaten MORE than once... on the bottom of my dishwasher. Great!!
I leave the room... think I'll do it later.. and go get ready for work so I can leave this hellhole!
I get in the bathroom.... take the towell off my heed (yea.. .I said HEED) and start combing out my mop. I do the regular routine and clean my face, put on lotion.. and then begin with powder. See, with summer and tanning, I no longer have to ... well, I prefer NOT to wear any real makeup. So, I open the container of loose powder.... and can you guess what's coming... oh, yea... I drop it on the floor.... powder goes everywhere... and I'm just ready to hang it up!
Finished getting ready for work, changed my top about .. 5 times... made my lunch and left! Realized at lunch time, I forgot a fork for my tomatos in balsamic... and a (my cat's stuck (his nail) in the carpet! - what's with this day?!) towel or napkin so I don't get crumbs all over me. After lunch... I laid back???. (uhh I said laid) in my car at the park, like I said I was going to start doing... and you know when you can hear people ... and then you realize your mouth's gaping open! Yea... that was me!!

with sunglasses to boot.
Glad the day's over...and tomorrow.. I have an appt with an the Stanford Ear Institute to see if they either can???t fix my fuking ears (ear infections every damn time I have a cold ??? have had a rupture, a skin graph.. you name it.) or I may have to consider just lopping off my head! That and my uterus.. I???m clearly not using that either. And ??? While we???re at it??? it has been since November .. but I can use that by myself! J