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Real and Raw! A different type of journal!

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Thanks guys.
Well yesterday was a real test. We attend the Adams County fair every year, Rob's niece and nephew are in 4-H and show various things. We go to support the family and to get smashed. This place is a huge trigger for me. We almost didn't go for that reason, but I am stronger then my addiction, I hope. The fair is less then 5 miles from our house, so naturally we can get drunk and drive. Sad right!? It got so bad, last year Rob left me there, not because I was making a scene, but because he was ready to go, and when I drink, I am a social butterfly even more. I was just talking to his family, so I didn't see what the big deal was, but when he wants to go, he wants to go. Period! I started walking home in the dark, with wedges on, yes in farm ville, not a good idea. Lucky for me, our son had a car and Rob sent him to pick up his drunk ass mom. Poor kid! Well we were at the fair last night and I really did not have any desire to drink. Weird. We walked by my favorite beer tent, where we spend most of our time, and nothing. I felt really good about that. We usually drop easy $100 on beer alone. This year I actually ate some nasty fair food, :lol: Our brother in law offered us free beer and that was easy to turn down. What is happening to me? :D

As many of you may have seen, Metha Drol is back in stock. What does that have to do with anything? Well, when under pressure, like most people, Rob is/was being a huge asshole today. Nothing I could do was right. We have been at each other all day. HUGE trigger. I was thinking as soon as he leaves for the gym, I am going to get drunk. Fuck it.
As I sit here writing this, I am thinking I am better then that. I will not allow him to push be back into my old patterns of how I usually cope with him when he is being this way. Sure it is easier, but in order for me to be a better, stronger me, I have to either find a different escape or beat the shit out of him. KIDDING! Any takers for me :lol:
This is the weekend and my favorite time to get wasted. Well any day for that matter, but weekends, I love to start drinking noonish. Aside from the USA's, I have spent all weekend inside, smashed. If we have dinner plans, I can usually hold off until 3ish, but have had close to a six pack by the time we meet up. Remember, they like me more when I am buzzed. It's funny that I say that. My dear friend told me the other day "the lies we tell our selves over and over, and believe them" How true is that?
5 days sober today and counting. One minute at a time. I feel amazing. No more night sweats. Thank goodness. Ewww. My face is not as red, but I still have a ways to go. I lost a lb and 1/2 and that excites me. I am starting to see some of my leanness. I have some vascularity without the help of alcohol. Strange how that happens.
Well that is my story for today. I have exciting accounting to do. Yup that should keep me sober. :heart: my IML family!
 
Gena Marie said:
As many of you may have seen, Metha Drol is back in stock. What does that have to do with anything? Well, when under pressure, like most people, Rob is/was being a huge asshole today. Nothing I could do was right. We have been at each other all day. HUGE trigger. I was thinking as soon as he leaves for the gym, I am going to get drunk. Fuck it.
As I sit here writing this, I am thinking I am better then that. I will not allow him to push be back into my old patterns of how I usually cope with him when he is being this way. Sure it is easier, but in order for me to be a better, stronger me, I have to either find a different escape or beat the shit out of him. KIDDING! Any takers for me :lol:
Click to expand...

Hit the gym and take it out on the weights. But even being on here is a much better choice. Piece of advice: get a hobby for you, something that you can enjoy that doesn't require anybody else to do for times you need/want an escape. Or when you would normally be drinking. Just don't make the hobby "wine making or beer brewing" :eek:

Gena Marie said:
Remember, they like me more when I am buzzed. It's funny that I say that. My dear friend told me the other day "the lies we tell our selves over and over, and believe them" How true is that?
Click to expand...
What we really are when drunk/drinking is free entertainment for them to laugh at (not with) because they never know what we're going to say or do when drunk.

If they can't be your friend when your sober are they really your friend?

Have a great weekend.
 
You are doing great Gena. Keep doing these updates. I have to believe they help, like when you felt like saying screw it, and getting drunk because you were mad at Rob. But writing it out, made you see the big picture and then you realized that would be a big mistake.
 
omg! I hope you realize that is HUGE to turn down drinks when offered to you! I am so f'en proud of you woman!!! Keep it up!

And...I'm wondering when we are ever going to train together? Ya' know with our cute IML workout tops! Let's go kill some iron!
 
It takes guts to come out and tell your story. I commend you on the honesty and wanting to make changes..

My father was an alcoholic and was so for many many years.. I know what's it's like being on the other end--trust me!

Gena, you can do this. I kicked a long battle with prescription pain killers--which was killing my wife and kids--so to speak.

Addiction is a life long battle and will be a uphill battle for the remainder of the rest of your life.

It takes support groups, sponsors, etc..

I hope and pray for YOU to move past this and come out on top.

You can do it! It's one step at a time and one day at a time..

Good luck and DO THIS! :)
 
How exciting, way to go:banana:it's all down hill from here baby! :banana:
 
:clapping: Well I made it through the weekend. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me, it is. Like I said before, I spend ALL day Sunday drinking. Not good. I actually got through almost half of a book and remembered what I read. Fifty Shades Darker, great read :btw:
Weekends are the most tough for me, but I did great, better then I thought I would. I tried detox back in September. Yeah, that lasted 14 days. Anyway, I went to my doctor after getting out and asked to be put on an-abuse because I know my self all to well, and at that time I don't think I was ready to give up my best friend, alcohol. Instead she prescribed me Campral, it is suppose to help with cravings. I have taken it on and over over the months, but it is useless as I continued to drink. Well it may be mind over matter, hard to say, but the prescription really helped me through the weekend. When I would start to get cravings, mainly closer to the evening, I could take two and I was good. It says to take 4 to 8 per day, but so far, 2 has done the trick. It is a very expensive prescription, but based on what I was spending on alcohol, the cost doesn't even compare. 2 weeks ago Rob went over his credit card statement, and for the month, I had spent over $500 in alcohol. That is not counting my personal credit card or what we spend when we go out to eat. Gran it I was not the only one drinking this, but, I know I can out drink Rob and he has close to 70 lbs on me.
I just noticed something this weekend, 1st, I can see my cheek bones, :lol:, sorry, it has been awhile, 2nd, a good friend of ours asked if I was craving sugar. I didn't think I was, I told him no, but yesterday I realized how much more pop I was drinking. Almost double from what I usually drink. So I guess the answer to that question is yes. I hadn't even thought about it. I don't eat a lot of candy, so I didn't even consider the sugar cravings. My friend thank you for bringing that to my attention. I need to be more cautious of that.
We did the county fair again this weekend and Rob was a doll. We meet our super amazing friends there. Friends we have had a drink or two with. They were having a beer, no biggie, and Rob didn't. He said he wanted to support me. I wanted to cry. All good tears of course. I encouraged him. Told him not to make my problems his, but he is being so supportive and strong for me. WOW! He is a keeper no matter how mad I get at him at times.
Well that is all I have to say for now. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I :heart: you all for your love and support.
 
Gena, I saw you and talked you for just a bit at the USA's. I had no idea of your situation. From experience I can say this real and raw road you will travel will not be easy for you or for Rob. Support support and more support and that internal true desire to make it a reality. Know that you can say no more to drinking and there will be plenty of people that will love you and like you sober.
I can't wait to meet YOU again!
 
:banana::dancer::welldone:

Now that's a great start.
 
Gena you are doing great and I'm sure Rob being there for you is making it that much easier. Stay strong!!! Don't be afraid to hit a meeting from time to time when you need people to talk to. You know we have your back 110%!
 
10 days! the Gena Marie sobriety train is full steam ahead:welldone:
 
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Wow, Gena, thanks for letting me know about the journal; sorry I'm getting here so late. That's a big step you took coming out about it. Very often I have to scale back my drinking, not because I screw up, just because I spend so much money. Then I tell my gf, "I'll just drink on vacation." Guess where our vacations are....the fitness shows/expos! I'm forever the only one drinking! I then picture my mother who literally drank herself to death, and my father who can't go to sleep unless he's polished off a bottle of vodka (and I've often mimicked his nightly actions). It's a tough road your on. Like others have mentioned, try finding healthy things to do in place of drinking. Nights are the worst for my cravings. I've actually found drinking decaf coffee helps me get through the evenings. Just gotta find what works for you. Best of luck; and we're all here for you!
 
I can't say thank you enough for all you support and encouraging words. Also, thank you for sharing your stories. I know I am not alone, but it makes me feel a little better knowing that I am not alone. We all have our struggles.

11 day and going strong! :ohyeah:

I feel amazing, well tired for from working so hard :lol: I feel like a new person. I look like a different person. My license expires next month, Yup, I'm that old. i have been putting off getting it renewed based on my appearance. How sad is that? In two more weeks, I think I will be happy with my appearance. I am surprised how little I am craving alcohol. Like I said, my pop intake has increased. I think maybe like smokers, I feel like I need to have something in my hands. I have noticed my sugar in take increasing. I went to the grocery store yesterday and the amount of candy I bought is so unlike me. We do keep sugar items in the house, but not like this. Lucky for me, I know moderation, well aside from my beer consumption.
I started back in the gym. I was working out at home, pull ups, lunges, abs, that sort of thing, but now I am back at it and hitting it hard. It is amazing how much more motivated I feel. I didn't want to go to the gym before, because that would delay my drinking time. Before I could drink a beer and do a set of pullups, or walking lunges. The perfect combo. This past week I have hit the gym and felt amazing. My body is starting to feel better. I think all the drinking pro longed my injuries, something I would never admit before, even with Rob asking the question. How could that possible be? I am going to work on getting my competition body back, not to compete, but to show myself that I can do it. Maybe do a photo shoot for my 40th coming up next month. I won't be quiet there, but give me another month or so after that, and we will see.
We had lunch with our son last weekend. I talked to him, then he wanted to talk to Rob before we meet up with him. He asked Rob if I was really sober, even after I told him I was. That hurt, but I understand. I never lied to him about my drinking, or even tried to hide it from him. I guess he is just so use to me saying that I am going to slow down or stop, only to come over and either find me hammered or passed out. He is no angel, but I need to set a good example for him. He has pulled me out of the car passed out and put me to bed far to many times. Nothing a child should have to do. WOW, for years I used his adolescence as an excuse to drink, yes another excuse. He has been arrested and in and out of jail more times then I can count, so of course the way to cope was to drink. Night after night rob and I would sit in our favorite watering hole and I would cry over my beers. Poor Rob, I am sure most of the people around us thought we were fighting, nope, just me having a pity party for something I could not control. Here Rob is, years later, right by my side. Ladies don't ever give up, there are still some good/great guys out there. :)
I love you IML family. Must get to work now. Thank you for taking the time to read about me :heart: :kissu:
 
First and for most! :clapping: I can't say how happy I am for you xoxo

Have you tried replacing the regular coke with diet ? or you don't like the diet flavor?
 
The fact that you took the incredible leap to share this tells me you have the strength to fight your addition. You seem to know yourself well enough to know the triggers too. Just remember that it's more pain to drink than not to drink. I work with a guy that had a similar story and he won't touch a drop of alcohol now and he is better for it. There is something powerful about sharing your struggles with strangers too, such as this forum. I, and a lot of others, will send you the strength to get though this and on to a better life. Kudos to Rob too.

Thank you for sharing. Now make it happen :paddle:
 
flynike said:
First and for most! :clapping: I can't say how happy I am for you xoxo

Have you tried replacing the regular coke with diet ? or you don't like the diet flavor?
Click to expand...

Lucky for me I don't drink regular pop. Years ago, rob started weening me off. I would do have regular and half diet until I got use to the diet. Now a regular pop is nasty to me. I have started drinking a ton more pop. again, I need to get a handle on that. I guess iI just want something cold in my hand.
 
Good morning my IML family. Well I am on day 14.:dance: It is Sunday, so I would usually be a beer or two in by now. Not this week. Not going to happen. It is amazing how look and feel. We had lunch with Rob's mom Friday for her birthday and the lovely woman wouldn't stop telling me how pretty I look and how she can see the bones in my face. I held back the tears.
It's funny the things one notices when you are not drinking. I use to blame caffeine on my hands shaking. Well, I drink a ton more caffeine, and no shakes. Strange! :D There was a point where I would make use I put my eye makeup on just as soon as I got up because the tremors were so bad. On the weekends if we were going out to dinner with friends and I didn't shower 1st thing, I would have to have a few drinks in order to get ready, my hand shook that bad. Writing out checks or signing cards was a disaster. At x-mas, I got our name pre printed on the cards so I wouldn't have to sign them.
I remember getting so frustrated running customer credit cards because you have to type in all the info and my hands shook so much, it was a feat for me. I would get so pissed at Rob for making me do "my job", not realizing what was causing me the inability to do it my self. It's those little things that I took for garnet, and now that I am sober, I realize that.
Rob and I noticed something the other day. Our son is 19. He has used most every drug out there. I don't think he has ever injected himself. He fears needles like me, strange that I want another tattoo right? Anyway, every time we see him now, he has either a beer or a drink of some sort in his hand. He came over this past Friday with a beer, then made himself a mixed drink. Yes we do have alcohol in the house. Mistake, I know, but once I put my mind to something, I am strong. If it were beer, I might have an issue, but I can resist hard alcohol. It just scares us, because our son comes from a long line of alcoholics and he knows it. He has had a very close family member die at the old age of 44 of serous of the liver. Drunk and drinking combo, but mostly drinking. You can't tell 19 year olds anything because they know it all, but you would think with all he has seen me do, he would just stick to his weed. :joint:
Part of my sobriety, I am happy to say, I am having PJ Braun whip my ass back into shape. Another beer lie, I thought I looked better then I do. I took before pics on Thursday in my comp suit and was mortified at what I was. I am not fat, but I do not look nearly as good as the beer told me I did. I hated sending off the pic, but I know it is necessary. I guess when you drink a keg a beer a week, it is going to catch up to you eventually. Yes, we also have a kegarator. Even that didn't keep me from drinking and driving. SAD! I need to count me blessings that I never hurt anyone.
So anyway, my diet starts today. I am doing a green apple cleanse. Oh yummy. That is all I can eat today. At the end of the day, to polish off this wonderful food intake, I will drink olive oil with lemon juice and a 1/2 can of real coke. I will try my best to sleep well. Rob will be staying clear of me :lol: He might want to stay in the guest room. I am super excited, the plan I am on is intense and fierce unlike anything I have ever done before. Shit, Rob just might want to move into the guest room. I will keep my progress posted as well as my sobriety.
I love you guys. Thank you for all your thoughts and encouraging words. :kissu:
 
That is pretty awesome! Keep it up. I'd recommend The Amen Clinics, even to the point of getting the brain scans done. After reading his books and quitting smoking and other bad things I realized each time it was the same part of my brain and the exact same feeling when changing a habit whether smoking, eating, or other obsessive habits. Vit C was shown by the VA in the 70's to help break withdrawal symptoms better than prescriptions.

The hardest part you've already done, admitting it. Your going to be doing great, one day at a time!
 
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